Guys and porn.

[Mzs]

I realise there are quite a few topics like this one, but I still wanted to post my own situation.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. I've lived with him for a year and a half of that. When we first started dating, we talked a lot about everything. Porn came up in that everything, and he told me that he never looked at porn and that he didn't masturbate. Who knows why, I guess he just thought it was distasteful. I'm the same way, I have no interest in either.

 

A couple of months ago, my computer broke and I asked to use his while he was at work (I'd lost my job and was still looking for a new one, so I had nothing much to do during the day). He wouldn't let me use it, and I found out that he'd even changed his password on it so that I couldn't get in. I asked him for his password, since he'd NEVER had problems telling me his passwords before, but he wouldn't let me. He told me that he didn't want me "snooping" around on his computer. I asked him what he had to hide, and he insisted that it was nothing, he just didn't like the idea of me using it and looking at his stuff. I know how that sounds, but I trust him, so I believed him.

 

Last night, he left his computer on while he was watching TV with me. I got up to go the bathroom and made a little detour into our computer room and started snooping like he didn't want me to. That's how I found his porn folder.

 

Porn doesn't particularly bother me, but the fact that he chose to hide it and not talk to me about why he's suddenly looking at it does. I didn't say anything to him about it; still thinking about how I should handle the situation or if I should just completely ignore it.

 

As for our sex life, it's non-existent. (I know -- that's obviously why he's looking at it). The reason it's non-existent (we haven't had sex in maybe four or five months) is for two reasons... We don't have any birth control at the moment (and neither of us have bothered to buy any), and the other reason is probably because I don't like sex (been like that with every guy I've been with and that's a serious problem that I need to deal with on my own).

 

He used to ask me for sex, or for sexual acts... blow jobs, whatever. I didn't mind the acts as much as the actual sex, but I generally wouldn't let him do anything to me in return. I thought he was okay with that. But now that I think about it, he hasn't asked me for anything in months as well.

 

Maybe the spark is just gone, I don't know. There have been times that I wanted to break up, but when I brought it up with him, he didn't want to. There must be something that he likes in our relationship to want me to stay.

 

Mainly what I'm asking is how I should proceed from here. Maybe I should just completely ignore the porn and ask him how he feels about our sex life. Maybe I should bring up the porn (even though he'll get mad for me snooping in his stuff), ask him why he's got it and see how it goes down. I don't know.

 

Also... One minor detail, I'm not sure if it's even worth mentioning. The women in all of these pictures/videos were Asian. Neither he nor I are Asian, but his ex-girlfriend is (though he despises this girl, never speaks to her, even avoids anywhere she plans on going). Would that be considered an issue as well, or maybe it's just coincidence?

[ghost69]

'i found all this porn. is there something i need to know?' let him respond. then tell him how you feel. pretty much everything you described here. you want to know if you are doing something wrong or if your sex life is drab. you should be open in relationships.

[Superfreak]

Him hiding the porn was a dumb move on his part. This is why you should be honest in relationships. You wouldn't have had a problem if he told you but he felt he had to hide it. That being said, I think you already know that most guys do look at porn while masturbating, which due to your lack of sex life is his only real resort.

 

I think you should definitely talk to him about your sex-life, mentioning the porn should be harmless as long as you make it clear you're not judging him on it or forbidding him to watch it, just that you're not comfortable with him having lied about it which he shouldn't have.

 

Also, maybe some form of counselling or visiting a doctor to determine why you have such a low to non-existent sex drive is in order. That certainly is not normal.

 

Good luck.

[DN]

I think you are putting the cart before the horse. It seems likely his use of porn is because he isn't getting much sex from you and it must be obvious to him that you don't enjoy it much - doesn't do much for his self-esteem.

 

I think you should find out more about your lack of sex drive and sort that out before talking about his use of porn - if your sex life becomes normal his use of porn may cease.

 

He lied about it because he was embarrassed in light of what he said before. But now he s finding sexual release the only way he can - short of leaving you and finding someone with a sex drive more compatible with his.

[handsdown]

I would take a second to think about this relationship.

 

You haven't had sex in months? That's a really big issue. Why do you not enjoy sex? Is it painful, or do you feel embarrassed, deathly afraid of pregnancy, or just simply lacking the desire entirely? These are all serious issues that indicate a medical problem (ie. see your doctor!!) Some may argue, but IMHO, sex is a basic body function, kind of like pooping (heehee) If you aren't pooping, something is wrong, if you have no desire to have sex, SOMETHING IS WRONG. A relationship needs sex to be healthy, it really does.

 

Going out and getting birth control is not that hard if you really wanted to have sex anyways right, so fear of pregnancy shouldn't really be an issue (I've been taking the pill and having sex for years and never been pregnant once, so if used properly birth control is pretty effective although there is ALWAYS a risk of course)

 

Your man looking at porn is really not a big concern. I hated my guy looking at porn too so I asked him to stop and he did, no big deal, it's just porn, the fact that he likes asian girls really doesn't matter either. What else is he going to do when his own girlfriend won't have sex with him? I would feel pretty awful about myself if my boyfriend didn't want to have sex with me, like, REALLY awful...as in...'end the relationship' awful.

 

Sex is so important to a healthy relationship (unless otherwise agreed upon that you are waiting for marriage etc etc, that's different) You need to talk to your boyfriend about this honestly and sincerely. You need to maybe talk to a professional about your problems with sex.

 

My last boyfriend and I RARELY had sex because I never felt the need to have it with him. We would go months, even almost a year at a time without any sex. I thought that it was just normal. Turns out it wasn't. Our relationship was not open, we were not honest with each other and we couldn't talk about anything and it ended after 7 years of what I look back on as the most painful years of my life. Don't sit in the quiet and think everything is ok because noone is really 'fighting', you need to address this issue NOW or it will be too late.

 

Sex is sooo much fun with someone you love and care about, don't waste your life not discovering this amazing aspect of human existence.

 

Hope this helps! I've been through it too, trust me.

[MarkD]

Porn became a big issue in my past relationship. I wasn't able to be honest about porn since I felt that my ex would not be able to handle the fact that I would "get off" looking at another woman. I would have loved to be completely honest with her, but at the same time I did not want to hurt her. It is difficult for some women to understand men and porn and at the same time, not all men look at it the same way. Some men are OBSESSED with pron, and some just use it for a "quick fix".

 

I was just talk to him about it with an open mind and try to avoid being negative with him unless he is not being honest with you.

 

I agree with the others though...not having sex in months is a MAJOR red flag. I think that is the main issue here...not the porn.

[JadedStar]

Yep, the porn is not your issue nearly as much as the fact that you don't enjoy sex with your b/f. That is a recipe for disaster.

[Mzs]

I think you are putting the cart before the horse. It seems likely his use of porn is because he isn't getting much sex from you and it must be obvious to him that you don't enjoy it much - doesn't do much for his self-esteem.

 

I understand that much. I know why he's using it, just not sure why he didn't just talk to me about it instead of taking off on his own path.

 

He lied about it because he was embarrassed in light of what he said before. But now he s finding sexual release the only way he can - short of leaving you and finding someone with a sex drive more compatible with his.

 

Honestly, I'm confused as to why he hasn't suggested we break up yet. Like I said, though, I've tried to leave a couple times myself (for other reasons, mainly being homesick, or because we'd had a fight, stuff like that) and he pretty much insists that I stay.

 

Why do you not enjoy sex? Is it painful, or do you feel embarrassed, deathly afraid of pregnancy, or just simply lacking the desire entirely? These are all serious issues that indicate a medical problem (ie. see your doctor!!) Some may argue, but IMHO, sex is a basic body function, kind of like pooping (heehee) If you aren't pooping, something is wrong, if you have no desire to have sex, SOMETHING IS WRONG. A relationship needs sex to be healthy, it really does.

 

It's a combination of it being painful and lacking the desire entirely. I saw a doctor for it being painful, she suggested I might have an STD, there was a huge scare about it for a couple months, and as it turns out, I'm completely healthy. I do plan on seeing someone about the lack of sex drive, but at the moment, I really, really can't afford it -- which sort of makes me think I should move back in with my parents, because they'd pretty much take care of that for me.

 

(Also, I actually have birth control pills... I just stopped using them because I wasn't able to remember to have one every day at the same time.)

 

Sex is sooo much fun with someone you love and care about, don't waste your life not discovering this amazing aspect of human existence.

 

Initially, I used to cry whenever I heard something like this, because I've never experienced it being fun or pleasurable at all. Mostly I fear that it will never be that way for me.

[RayKay]

He probably did not tell you about it as he had said early on he never used it (and possibly if you expressed first that you found it distasteful he went with the flow to bend to your tastes on it....) and he knew you would probably hold that against him.

 

I think the bigger problem is the lack of sex and intimacy - it's not just about sex, it's about connection and if he feels constantly rejected and undesirable (never mind feeling sexual needs are unmet) it is not a surprise he not only turns to porn but also has shut down in speaking with you about it.

 

He probably does love you (hence is still there) but that does not mean it is not painful for him, or that he might not have a breaking point eventually.

 

I wonder if you are using the excuse of not being able to afford birth control or seeing a doctor because it also gives you an excuse not to deal with it (or have it). If you can afford to live on your own presumably if important you can find a way to come up with the money. Besides, there are plenty of low-cost clinics that give access to free or low-cost medical care, advice or birth control (i.e. Planned Parenthood). When I was younger and could not afford the full price of the pill, I paid $3/month for it. That is NOTHING.

 

There are of course other things other than the pill.

 

I respect it is painful, but all the more reason to get medical advice and look into options that don't require a lot of money.

[handsdown]

I saw a doctor for it being painful, she suggested I might have an STD, there was a huge scare about it for a couple months, and as it turns out, I'm completely healthy.

 

I'm glad to hear that it's not an illness and you've had that checked out. Judging from this, it is probably painful because you are not aroused when you try and have intercourse which can be incredibly uncomfortable for a woman. It is sometimes even painful for me when I am aroused but not completely (like when I've got other problems on my mind) A woman's body is so closely in tune with her emotional state, that, unlike men, it is nearly impossible to just have sex when we don't want it ourselves because it hurts.

 

Do you feel that sex is in some way dirty or gross? Do you feel embarrassed about your body or feeling pleasure? Have you ever had an orgasm or even a heightened sense of arousal? Do you get aroused when you are by yourself, see a good looking guy on T.V. or have a sexy dream or day-dream?

[Mzs]

I wonder if you are using the excuse of not being able to afford birth control or seeing a doctor because it also gives you an excuse not to deal with it (or have it). If you can afford to live on your own presumably if important you can find a way to come up with the money. Besides, there are plenty of low-cost clinics that give access to free or low-cost medical care, advice or birth control (i.e. Planned Parenthood). When I was younger and could not afford the full price of the pill, I paid $3/month for it. That is NOTHING.

 

We actually don't live on our own; we live in his stepdad's basement. We don't pay rent, and we very rarely buy groceries. We're also being kicked out next year, and at that time, I have no clue as to where we're going.

 

I do still have about three months' worth of the pill. My parents have been paying for it and sending it to me from home, they don't have a problem with that. It's just that I haven't been using it. What I meant was that neither of us buy condoms. He buys video games at least three times a month, but never condoms, so it made me think it was alright that we weren't having sex.

 

Do you feel that sex is in some way dirty or gross? Do you feel embarrassed about your body or feeling pleasure? Have you ever had an orgasm or even a heightened sense of arousal? Do you get aroused when you are by yourself, see a good looking guy on T.V. or have a sexy dream or day-dream?

 

It's no to all of those except the second (Do you feel embarrassed about your body or feeling pleasure). I don't like my body, never have, and it's been suggested to me before that my lack of sex drive has something to do with that.

[JadedStar]

As for him not telling you about it - masterbation is very private. There are not many people who can openly tell their g/f something like this. And for most men it is their own private place they keep for themselves. Everyone should have private time. He might have not been telling you the whole truth early on when he said he didn't use it - some men would rather tell a white like about something like this then risk upsetting their girlfriends. I am not saying it is right only saying i can understand why they do it.

 

Even men with active sex lives might view porn on occasion. For your guy not getting it much at all it has BECOME his sex life and obviously this is not good.

 

If I were in your shoes I would be far more worried about the loss of intimacy then the porn usage. That is where I would start tackling the problem. Resolve that and the porn problem will likely fix itself.

[melrich]

I think the bigger problem is the lack of sex and intimacy - it's not just about sex, it's about connection and if he feels constantly rejected and undesirable (never mind feeling sexual needs are unmet) it is not a surprise he not only turns to porn but also has shut down in speaking with you about it.

 

I agree. The porn is probably only a symptom of this. You really need to talk to him about this sex issue and how you are going to address this in the future.

[Jersey Shortie]

I would have loved to be completely honest with her, but at the same time I did not want to hurt her. It is difficult for some women to understand men and porn and at the same time, not all men look at it the same way.

 

And I think in turn, it is difficult for men to understand women and porn, and how it can make a woman feel under appriciated, unloved, uncared for and unattractive. Not to be rude but why should a woman work so hard to please her man if no matter what she does he is still going to turn to other women to masturbate to? Its almost like men are saying " Thank you for loving me, now I need my porn."

[MarkD]

Jersey I completely agree with you..I woould never expect any woman to be like that. It does go both ways. In my case, I used porn when I wasn't able to be with my GF. I would NEVER pic porn over the real thing with her..that is just so wrong. If you chose to masterbate looking at porn over being with your GF, you shouldnt be with them. I guess it all boils down to communication and understanding eachother....I now see how it hurt my ex to know that I looked at porn. It took the breakup for me to see that...

[pregnantkitty_1985]

He obviously has a fetish for Asian girls, though that doesn't mean he can't be attracted to white girls or black girls (or whatever race you may be.)

 

My sister is with a guy who used to date an Asian girl. When she first started dating him, he had a HUGE massive collection of Asian girl porn tapes. One day she walked in on him talking to our brother about how HOT as HELL (emphasis because that's how he said it) the Asian girl was and how he f'ed the hell out of her. Of course, she was none too pleased, and since she knew who the girl was and knew it was true that the girl was a beauty, she has forever been self-conscious about it. She used to have a few extra pounds but since being with him dieted herself down to a stick, with no boobs, no booty, I guess she thinks that's how asian women look like. Heh. My sister's stupid anyway. No use in getting yourself worked up over it, don't let it ruin your self esteem like her.

 

Anyhow I don't think the asian thing is so relevant because it sounds like you're not so into this guy anyway. So what if he doesn't want to break up for some reason? You don't seem to want to be with him so; end it. You don't seem to have much of a relationship anyway, you're not intimate, you're more like roommates.

[handsdown]

It's no to all of those except the second (Do you feel embarrassed about your body or feeling pleasure). I don't like my body, never have, and it's been suggested to me before that my lack of sex drive has something to do with that.

 

 

It definitely could, and pornography isn't going to make you feel any better. From the situation you described, living in parents basement, buying video games instead of maybe saving up for when you are out on your own, you two sound pretty young. I agree with Pregnantkitty and would suggest getting out of the relationship, you don't seem happy or into this guy anymore. As I said before, I was in a relationship like yours before with no sex and it was just...well....it just WAS for years. Yeah we didn't fight and he didn't seem to want to leave me, but it lacked all passion and fire and the stuff love is made of. There's so much better out there.

 

As for not enjoying sex, as I said earlier, I'm guessing you are young, so don't worry about it, you'll grow into it, TRUST me, you have lots of pleasurable years ahead

 

Good luck to you whatever you choose to do, but I would definitely start with talking to him about it first off, just get it all out in the open.

[hellokittykitty]

guys & porn = it is just that way. I am with a guy and when I was in his room a couple of weeks ago he handed me the penthouse jokingly and said - yeah its porn. Im not insulted because I know that its just what guys do. We have a great sexlife (except right now because we just got in a fight) but at least he is looking at porn and not out picking someone up behind my back.

 

by the way... I used to not enjoy sex at all but now that I met this guy, i love it - we connect on a lot of levels and it just makes things better between us... something I havent had with anyone else.

 

As for the masturbating ... I dont know if I buy that he doesnt do it... even my very close guy friends tell me they do it all the time...

[JadedStar]

I'd find it more odd if a man never masterbated to be quite honest. They are not wired like women and need to release unless they are having sex everyday.

[ghost69]

I'd find it more odd if a man never masterbated to be quite honest. They are not wired like women and need to release unless they are having sex everyday.

 

never bait the tackle again? i'd be dead. lol very true JS.