I can't be a bad life

[Barely_Alive]

I am 19 and in my second year of college.

I was abused when i was young and when i let the cat out of the bag my brother betrayed me, my sister loved me, my mother prayed for me, and my father went to jail.

 

Well hes out of jail now and lives a few blocks from me. I'm constantly looking behind my back.

 

I still dont trust my brother. I dont even feel like he's family. Hes not a bad guy but i'm not willing to let him get close enough to leave me on the floor again.

 

my sister has taken to boozing it up. The one girl who understood is to gone to care and wont even take the help i offer her.

 

My mother prays for me and calls it a miracle that I'm even in college. My accomplishments arent mine, they are Gods.

 

I dont know exactly whats making me suicidal. I try so hard to be exactly what i think will make life worth it, but its all going in circles.

I went to college to be something, but its just like highschool. No one cares, its all about partys and the crazy * * * * people do on the weekends. I'm not interested in that! I dont want to be a party girl.

 

I'm just finding it so hard to believe that anyone will ever be on the same level as me. I feel alone.

I dont have the same things as everyone else. I dont have God to depend on, or family.

My friends are pretty great but theyre no help. Theyre so different. They tell me they understand, but they didnt have to go to the gardian home and have some * * * * er tell you "it depends on if your mom wants you" when you ask him when youll go back home.

I guess in the end I'm just not convinced life is worth it.

I'm not convinced I'll ever reach my goal even though i work constantly on them.

I'm not convinced there is anyone who will ever really be worth knowing.

I'm not even convinced that there is a such thing as love, something so little. If i could only have something so little like a belief in love, any sort of hope to keep me going...

 

i just dont have anything to hold onto.

[Superfreak]

You mentioned your in college? Alot of college's have counselling available for students going through tough times. I'd really recommend you look in to it. Life's tough and your problems with College are something that many people struggle with. I'm sure there's alot of like-minded people that are just there for the learning experience just like you. Joining some academic oriented clubs might help, alot of majors have specific clubs relating to them like the history club or political science club or what not.

 

You're still in your formative years. You have lots of time ahead of you to experience all the good things that life has to offer. Soon you'll be graduating from college and getting a job and you can move wherever you want and cut your family out of your life and make a fresh start if that's what you want. Be proud, your making something of yourself.

 

Don't give up

[KAT MOMMY]

Barely Alive, You have yourself to hold onto, you have yourself to love. God is love and he loves you. believe that if you don't believe anything else. You are still young only 19 and you are in college to make something of your life. I was not fortunate to go to college after highschool because I found out that my mother had the virus and I opt to go to the military to make money for my me and my little brother. I helped him on his way and through out the 4 yrs of him being there. He graduated this past weekend and jthe feeling I got was pricless. He made it and so can you. Life is not fair and there will be hard days vs bad days but you have to make the best of each day you wake up. Be thankful for what you do have and pray to God to help you when you are feeling alone. He is there and He does listen. It hurts God to see you like this and it hurts me to hear such a young person talk so hopelss.

 

You don't have to be a party girl, you don't have to indulge in the nonsense at school. Stay focused, join a club or work out to releive the tension.

Talk to me if you need to cause I truly got a story to tell! OK?

[Barely_Alive]

They have counselling here but its only free the first 12 times and they move you from counselor to counselor becasue theyre so swamped. I have a theripist in Indianapolis but its an hours drive and I dont have the gass money.

 

I'd love to get into clubs but I get panic attacks when I 'm around to many people. I'm trying to get over it and making progress but i'm not there yet.

Not to mention that I'm finding it very very hard to even make it to class. Its to much stress to even think about the people I have to sit next to. I panic and I cant make myself leave my room for fear of them.

 

thank you for your reply.

I guess I'm just looking for some support.

[Barely_Alive]

KAT MOMMY,

Yes I do have myself to hold onto. Its been keeping me going for six years now. I'm wearing thin though.

God is love, but I dont believe in God anymore. It was to much for me. I got to scared that I was tricking myself.

 

I'd love to hear your story some night.

[Superfreak]

Hang in there,

 

I have a bit of social anxiety myself, but not to your extent. The only advice I really have to overcome it is to just DO instead of thinking and analyzing it. Social interaction is EASY and at College especially. Classmates are nice and they have at least a bit more of a brain then highschoolers. Comment about the Professor or the upcoming assignment to the person sitting next to you and before you know it you'll have some friends, I guarantee it

[Barely_Alive]

thank you. I really appreciate the reply.

I'll give it the old college try this upcoming semester. I have all English classes so at very least I'll try and participate in class.

I just sincerely hope when summer comes again I wont think about it so much.

[k_1971]

Hi Barely Alive

 

First you have to believe that you did absolutely the right thing by 'letting the cat out of the bag' Secondly you have to believe that it was not your fault. Thirdly, by coming on here, you're among people who care- people who will listen if you want to write in a public thread or via PM.

 

My heart goes out to you. I wish I could do something to help.

 

Try to be strong

[Barely_Alive]

Logically I know I did the right thing but its come to my attention that I am quite possibly in some sort of denial.

 

thanks for the support.

[Mavh25]

Barely, am I right to assume your father did this to you? and he's out of jail now and living afew blocks away?

[Barely_Alive]

yes, youre right

[fearfac]

""I'd love to get into clubs but I get panic attacks when I 'm around to many people. I'm trying to get over it and making progress but i'm not there yet.

Not to mention that I'm finding it very very hard to even make it to class. Its to much stress to even think about the people I have to sit next to. I panic and I cant make myself leave my room for fear of them.""

 

Do a google search for Patricia Farrell pretty sure that will get her website on it there should be some breathing exercises and tips on preparing yourself for social events. Give it a try trust me it helps.

 

If you cant manage to find any of her tips let me know and I'll see what I can do and get some to you.

 

Social anxiety is horrible and hard but you can get through that.

 

Be strong and hold on to the knowledge that you can and will get through

[Barely_Alive]

I couldnt find anything.

[fearfac]

A good way to help yourself is by using relaxation breathing. How do you do it? Here's a quick guide:

 

1. Take a full, deep breath through your nose and hold it for a count of 5.

 

2. As you hold your breath, think of the position of your shoulders and your arms.

 

3. Now, slowly release the air through your mouth in a "whooshing" sound, much like you would a sigh. In fact, a sigh may be the body's way of automatically trying to help us relieve stress.

 

4. Repeat this a few times, but not to the point where you feel either lightheaded or dizzy. No need to rush, no need to push yourself.

 

This can be done a few times throughout the day as a means to help relieve stress.

 

Sounds a little bit stupid but it may help you calm down when your placed into situations that make you panic and feel trapped it certainly won't hurt to give it a try. Try relaxing yourself while your in your safe zone (your room/bathroom whatever the case may be for you) and if need be when you are in a situation where you feel a panic attack coming on.

 

Another way that was suggested to me and worked is to think ahead about yourself successfully facing and conquering the specific fear and just keep your mind on that. Do your best not to start thinking back to classes where you had a panic attack.

 

If you want any other tips just say its a horrible thing and Id be happy to help.

[Barely_Alive]

thank you. generally i do something like that when they get to bad.