"Left outside in the rain" - All advice is appreciated

[therev]

Hi all, first post here, everyone seems to talk sense and there aren't 5 month gaps between each post, which is good news lol.

 

Anyway, I wasn't sure which category this would fall under, so bear with. I'll try to keep it as coherent as possible.

 

In September I started university, and met a girl on my course who I sat in lectures with. She had a boyfriend who she had been with for 18 months, so although I was attracted to her I didn't really think anything of it.

 

However, after a month of uni her boyfriend finished her over the internet, not really giving her much of a reason. He then got involved in what was obviously a rebound relationship with another girl back home, leaving her devastated. Following this, we began to communicate a lot more and built up trust. I was there for her as much as possible, and I learnt that she was feeling very depressed about uni in general and was struggling for friends and thinking of leaving. I genuinely care about her and I devoted a lot of time and energy towards making her feel better and providing friendship and advice, and whilst I'm not claiming to be her sole saviour or anything I like to think I made a difference during a bad time.

 

After about 2 months of this it became obvious there was something between us, and twice we kissed. However, at the same time it was blindingly obvious to me that she was NOT over her ex-boyfriend (I didn't expect her to be) and I kept telling myself not to get emotionally involved because in the long run I was bound to get hurt. However, as we all know, that's easier said than done, and I let my guard down, so to speak. Then, last night, the inevitable happened - she went home for the weekend and got back together with her ex-boyfriend.

 

When she told me, despite expecting it I felt completely numb - everyone knows the feeling. So I sought advice from two people - my best friend, and her best friend. Her best friend believes I'm good for her, and is angry that she's got back with her ex - as she put it, "he'll just do it again". Her mother is angry at her for doing it. Yet we can al see why she has got back with him, and I can't resent her or blame her for it.

 

My best friend experienced a very similar situation, where he was with a girl for 15 months, and she broke it off to pursue a rebound relationship. After a few months, they got back together, but this time it only lasted a month. He described the feelings of resentment that were present, and mentioned that if she could split up with him once, she'd do it again. Despite being completely and utterly in love with her, after the initial break-up he was never comfortable. This is dangerous in that it gives me false hope, the "hanging around waiting for 'someday'" situation. Yet I can't help but rest my hopes on it.

 

So this brings it all back to why I'm on here asking for advice. It's fruitless for me to tell her how I feel, because she's so smitten with this other guy that despite what we have, and I know it's something she appreciates, she ultimately hasn't got the capacity to feel anything stronger for me at the moment and I have to accept that.

 

Yet, at the same time, there's no way I can handle being around her all the time, continuing to be her friend when I feel this way. It's not healthy for either of us. Yet, as I said, I genuinely care for this person, and don't want to just discard her from my life. The conflict lies in me letting her get on with her happiness, and somehow, through great difficulty, moving on, and the selfish streak inside me that hopes things go wrong with the other guy and dwelling on that. I know I shouldn't, but it's hard.

 

Any advice, from either perspective would come in helpful. This thing is really getting me down at a time where I should be embracing my life.

[samross]

Welcome to ENA! Your first post! You've come to the right place.

 

Your last sentence says it all. You should be embracing your life. Applies to all of us here. Easier said than done.

 

OK - first of all keep in mind that if she's smitten with him then all efforts by everyone to 'set her straight' will all be for naught. It's human nature. I am going to assume by your age that she's close to your age. I've said this on here before, keep in mind you lives right now are in a major state of flux. That means things are changing even as I write this. She can change, and YOU can change. At 19 I guarantee you will. I've had relationships that I thought would last a life time and when they ended I thought I couldn't go on. If only I knew what was going to happen the following month or year... Nothing against the one that split with me but looking back I'm so glad things didn't work out the way I wanted them to. There is always a silver lining.

 

OK - now to look at things in a positive light. The best thing you can do is to be there for her. Try to be a strong as you can. There are those that will say she hurt you so heck with her, etc., but the reality is you are both very young and sometimes we all need time to grow and mature a bit (sometimes some of us go the other way as we get older ). The point I want to make is give it time and don't try to pressure her. Don't try to make her feel sad or ashamed of what's happened. If it is meant to be it love really will find a way. If you were much older and she was too then I'd probably be giving you much different advice. Some times when we're new to the world of love we don't tread cautiously when it comes to how others are going to be affected. We go after what we want and heck with the rest of the world. I'm not like that but a significantly and regretfully large part of the population is no matter what their age.

 

Bottom line - give it time. If you really care about her then be there for her becasue my guess is she's going to need you. Others on this site know what I'm talking about.

[therev]

Thanks Sam, that was really good advice. To be fair, I don't usually let advice dictate my actions, but over the last few days I've received some brilliant pieces that have definitely influenced how I'm going to approach this situation. Indeed, maybe there's the first sign of maturity developening - the ability to listen.

 

My mother (of all people) echoed what you said. I'm young, and so is she. This girl is the type to let her heart rule her head, and I can understand that. Yet I'm beginning to see things from a different perspective - if I can, as you say, be a friend, be there for her and "play it cool", then I believe I can get past this, focus on the positives, and if they do split up again (which others seem to believe is bound to happen), then I'll be in a much stronger position the next time this situation arises. And if it doesn't - then I'll have learnt a valuable lesson and as much as it hurts now, it'll be for the best.

 

Thanks for the advice. It's another piece in a jigsaw of advice that's really helping me out.

[samross]

To use your analogy of a jigsaw puzzle, you've just started laying down the first few pieces to a million-piece puzzle. The puzzle will have an increibly beautiful picture when you're done. You could give up after the first few pieces and say this isn't going to work the way I want it to. Or, you could do as you're indicating, hang in there and keep fitting the pieces. Eventually the picture will start to take shape.

 

When your mom talks about your age, I know what I am referring to and more than likely what she is referring to is this - you're just starting. it doesn't mean you can't feel love because you're too young (that's crap) it just means you haven't learned enough to know yet that it will come again. The first time you fall in love you feel like it will last forever. But I can tell you you WILL feel it again, whether it is for her or someone else.

 

And with regard to her new relationship not working, I'm not a betting man but if I were my money's on it not lasting. To reasons - she's young and it's probably a rebound.