Now he is unsure of his feelings

[Confusedlove]

I have been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We currently live together and have been living together for 2 years. In the beginning, he chased me and I didn't really have an interest in him. After a couple months, I gave it a try and was very happy I did. I can definitely say I fell in love with him and knew we would be together forever. I have never doubted his feelings for me, not even for a second. He has always been good to me and treated me very well. Of course, we have our arguments and disagreements (but what relationship does not). I have been going through a lot of financial stress on my end (the worst I have ever dealt with) and unfortunately, I have taken things out on him that I should not have. I would get hateful and say mean things to him and I knew it was as if I was pushing him away, but it didn't keep me from doing those things. I always knew he would be there for me so I never thought the day would come when he would question our relationship. I would be immature and say I would want to break up for stupid stuff and he would always calm me down and talk me through it and plead with me to reconsider. This happened about 3 times. Then, we got into an argument the other night and he said he was going to sleep in his vehicle that night to think things over.

 

I was in shock, this had never happened before. I was upset and scared and didn't know what to think. Then while he was away that night he informed me he isn't sure what he wants and doesn't know what happened to that feeling he had for me. He wasn't sure if he could ever get it back. He said he has a deep love for me and doesn't want to hurt me and he knows how much I love him. He said he wants that feeling back and wants to be with me.

 

The next day, we both discussed things that we need from each other. It all boiled down to the fact we need more affection/attention/romance from one another. We both agreed we both failed each other in that department. We both decided to give things a month (now that we have both communicated how we feel) and that we would re-analyze after the month. He tells me he wants that feeling back badly and I know I want him to have that feeling back again. I have never in 3 years had doubt in this relationshiop until now. I am so scared that he might not get it back, I don't know what to do and I just need some advice. He asked me not to go to my friends & family with this because he really wants us to work on this together and doesn't want anyone to know what we are going through. He said he is not going to tell any of his friends/family either.

 

I feel responsible for pushing him away and I think the longer he allowed me to push him away the more I got resentment towards him for not fighting back, I don't even know if that makes sense. But I did communicate that to him. I guess my biggest question on here is: Is it possible to have such a strong feeling for another individual and then lose it but regain it again? I have done a lot of reading and researching over the last few days and I saw where you have to constantly work on the relationship to keep the flame going. We just went out on a date the other night and it was great!! Any help you can provide would be very appreciated! Thanks so much!!!

[Confusedlove]

Can someone anyone, please point me in the right direction. Thanks!!

[tori_black]

Hey there,

 

I can tell you, as a lonely person, that first of all life isn't much fun alone. But it's obviously not your fear of being lonely that keeps you together, but in the end, deep affection. At the risk of sounding like the Guru of Love or the all knowing * * * * * * * who wants to lecture you, I can just tell you what my own experience has brought me. Some of it is really obvious to like every person on the planet, but hey...I just wanna help.

 

I think that there are two aspects in a love relationship: there's the part where you love and lust after the other, and there's the part where you the two of you are partners.

 

Sit down a minute and fantasize about being with him, about holding his hand or lying in bed with him. Then try to imagine, with your eyes closed, how you feel. If you still have the love and affection you had for him before, then it will make you feel warm and make you smile. This alone should tell you that the two of you only have to find the time and the will to give each other what you yourself want and what the other really needs from time to time.

 

At the same time the two of you are in a partnership, which means that the two of you share the load of everyday life. Of course that puts a strain on the relationship, especially if, as you said, have some really difficult problems, be they financial or of any other nature. Both of you, be rational; affection isn't always enough to keep you from feeling stressed out and angry and depressed. Sometimes our negative feelings lash out at others, but I think he knows you don't really mean to hurt him. Tolerance, rationality and understanding are key to maintain a relationship.

 

If you want to "rediscover" the love you both share, maybe you just need to spend intimate time together, and remind each other of all the things that you love about each other. Instead of putting everything in words, demonstrate your affection with a touch. Be gentle, be rough, be funny.

 

And one important thing, that I always try to remember: Don't try to hold on to some fantasy of perfect happiness that you're trying to fulfill. The pursuit of total happiness is quite ridiculous, because (to phrase it quite simply) there is no perfect state of happiness. Happiness is what you make of it, and there are gonna be bad days as well as good days. But there are also going to be extremely happy moments in your life, which probably won't last forever, but if they outweigh the bad ones, you guys are on the right track.

 

I hope you make it, but foremost I hope the two of you'll be happy.

[Confusedlove]

Thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate the advice and I truly believe you are correct about the everyday life part causing stress on the relationship. I know that has been the problem and I take most of the responsibility because I never for a second thought I would ever lose him so I guess I just thought it was ok to take things out on him (which it is not ok). Anyway, what do you think about the re-evaluating things after a month to see where we are.

 

Have you ever been in a situation where your feelings came & went but came back again?

 

This is the first time in my life that I have felt that I will be with this person forever, I can see him in my future and I am so excited for him to get "that feeling" back again. The past few days have been great and this was a true wake up call that I know I needed.

[Confusedlove]

I am so confused. Now he tells me tonight that he doesn't know if that feeling will ever come back and that maybe we should take a couple months apart. I think that is just his way of trying to make this an easy break. I am not sure what to do. Is it possible to lose the feeling for that special someone and then get it back? I love him so much and don't know what to do???? Help!!!

[tori_black]

God, I'm so sorry I didn't reply earlier.

 

Have you asked him if he really just wants to end the relationship, because I'm sorry to say this, but the whole "let's take some time off" is a pretty messy thing. Are there rules what the two of you are "allowed" to do during the break? How does he even define "take some time off"?

 

As to your other question: YES you can fall in and out of love again, you can feel less and then more. Just imagine that the focus of your emotions in general just changes for some time, like when you're under too much pressure to handle both your romantic life AND the rest of your life. You might just take things for granted.

Maybe there's no energy left to feel love for your partner, which is just a fact even though it sounds a bit harsh.

 

What I've experienced is that I spent a lot of time with someone I loved very, very much. Suddenly I got to see sides of him that made him so different in my eyes. For a time I didn't feel to hot about the guy, but then I realized what a great guy he really was, and how, of course, everyone has sides that might not seem to lovable. I still love him so much, even all his annoying quirks.

 

Maybe you felt the same, just not on a conscious level. Does that make any sense?

 

And you know what? The fact that you love him now, even though for some time you might have not felt that it's the real deal, should prove that you can fall in and out of love.

So if he can find the love he has for you somewhere inside, he just has to dig it up and give it some spark. But if he can imagine a life without you, if he can think of you and not have that fuzzy feeling we all love, than something really isn't right.

 

One more thing. If you guys really do take some time off, do not see other people. Because right there is where you decide that you might really feel better in a new relationship and that everything'll be oh so well once your free yadda yadda yadda. And that's not the point. It's about finding out what life without the other is. You can get a clear head. Tell him that (well, not the yadda yadda part).

 

I really hope you can work this out. You seem to really care and to be a very sensitive person, and the fact that you can admit that you made mistakes just tells me (and should tell him) that you really mean to make things right. If can not appreciate your effort, you should consider accepting that break.

[Confusedlove]

Thank you for the reply. Last night I did a lot of soul searching and this is probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me. This is the man I love with all my heart and you know what, I took him for granted. I know we both took each other for granted but I can only own up to what I did. My experience with him was the best I have ever experienced and I can only apologize for my actions and thank him for the time we spent together. I told him last night this was the biggest favor he could have ever done for me. He told me that if he decides to move on with someone else he will let me know. Of course I will do the same. He is moving out next week (it seems) and he is scared and nervous about getting his own place and moving on without me. He keeps telling me if this is meant to be that it will work out. Of course he just won't know that right away. We will see what happens. I know I have to be strong and take each day as it comes. I have good/bad moments and we have a business together that we have to sort out the details but for now we are trying to focus on the relationship part. It is over right now and that is final and I can accept that. I can only hope to God that he will want this back and I know in my heart it will be the BEST relationship we could have ever had!!

[tori_black]

It's great the two of you could make a decision like that. Relationships are here to learn, and you obviously both did. I'm happy for you and wish you all the best and I'm sure that if you keep on like that you'll lead a good life.

 

Good luck to both of you and merry Christmas

 

Tori

[Confusedlove]

Thank you so much. This forum is very helpful and I appreciate everyone's input. I know I will have my ups & downs. I know I can & will get through this!!!!