Asking for online dating advice - saw a girl I knew in college.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I decided to try an online dating site again a few weeks ago. I've met 2-3 girls so far, and have been talking to them online and such. I went on a date with one of them last night. Unfortunately, there was no chemistry and she looked alot different from her pictures. I wasn't really attracted to her, so unfortunately, I have to let her down. She's a really sweet and nice girl though, so I hope maybe she might want to still be friends, but I doubt it. Anyway, let me get back on topic to the point of this thread.

 

On this same dating site, I came accross the profile of a girl I used to know in college. Let me clarify that I do not know her well. She was a friend of my best friend in college (who's also a girl). I always thought this girl was really attractive, but I had a girlfriend throughout college, so I never tried, of course. As for her personality, she seemed like a nice, sweet girl. She never was the type to get drunk and have tons of guys hanging onto her, like many girls at my school were. Most of them were just frat party junkies. They were greek too and only dated frat guys. Most of them wanted nothing to do with you unless you were in a certain fraternity.

Anyway, getting back on topic again.

 

So, I respect this girl alot for that reason. I always saw her with my friend walking in the halls, eating lunch, etc. We usually just said hello to each other and made small talk. That was it. When I saw her profile on the website, the first thing I noticed was that she looked even more gorgeous than when I knew her in college. I read that she's a teacher, which I think is really great. I really appreciate a woman who's good with children. She's almost done her masters. She's the same religion as me, and she goes to church weekly she wrote (which doesn't make or break things in my mind, but I'm not too religious myself.) I kept reading, and I noticed that she only lives about 30 minutes from me. I never knew that she lived that close. She still lives with her parents, which is not a big deal, but I do prefer someone more independent. Overall, I had a really positive impression and I thought should I take the chance and message her?

 

I took the plunge. I just sent her a friendly note that I remembered her and asked how she was doing. She wrote back and said that she remembered me. She wrote about our mutual friend, her job, etc. I tried to flirt with her a little in my note. I said, "what's a beautiful girl like you doing on yahoo?" Her response, which REALLY impressed me, was that she's been mostly meeting guys in bars who just want to sleep with her, and she's "not that type of girl and am looking for a boyfriend." She said now that she's almost done with school, she has more time on her hands, and really wants to meet someone who could be her boyfriend.

 

Well, my ex fiancee slept around on me and alot of the girls I've been seeing lately didn't want anything serious, so I thought this girl is definitely along the lines of what I am looking for.

 

I wrote back to her and told her about my job, what I do for fun, the latest updates I've heard about our mutual friend, and that I plan on going for my masters. I wrote a few sentences to her about the fact that I admire what she had to say about not wanting to sleep around. I said very briefly that I was hurt by someone who did that to me, so it definitely felt good to know that girls like that DO EXIST.

 

I sent that note as is, and didn't try to flirt with her anymore or hint about going on a date etc.

 

I'm struggling to decide whether or not I should ask her out on a date, and how I might go about doing it, because it is a slightly awkward situation. Granted, I think I definitely have some points in my favor because she does know me already - sort of. It's better than meeting a stranger. She was never flirty with me or anything in college. I wouldn't even call us friends, just more so acquaintances in passing.

 

Would it be appropriate for me to ask her out or would that be too weird?

What should I say?

 

I was thinking about maybe writing her another email on the service to ask her out, but I'm not sure how to do it. I don't want to weird her out.

[Batya33]

I would stop beating around the bush, get her number, call her and ask her out.

 

And by the way I wouldn't presume that a schoolteacher is "good with children."

[NewPhillyGuy]

I would stop beating around the bush, get her number, call her and ask her out.

 

And by the way I wouldn't presume that a schoolteacher is "good with children."

 

yes, but what do I say?

 

just write and say "hey, can I call you sometime?"

 

I wish I had some other way of telling if she's interested before I do that.

 

Or should I just come out and say - "hey, would you want to go out sometime?"

[ghost69]

dude, she is looking for someone as you are. it's great you guys have a common past. gives you great conversation already.

 

and that is your way to find out if she is the slightest interested. ask for the number.

[Batya33]

"Hi - so glad we could reconnect. I'd love to catch up over dinner - what's your schedule like next week?"

[NewPhillyGuy]

Thanks Batya and Ghost for your advice! I'm gonna take a dive and ask her out. Worst thing that can happen is that she's not interested, which is not a big deal. I'm either going to write to her again tonight, or maybe I will wait for her to respond to my last message before I say anything. I don't want to come accross as too eager.

 

I feel like maybe I should say a little bit more - tell me what you all think:

 

"X, it's been great catching up with you. I was surprised and happy to run into you on here. Small world!

 

It seems like we are looking for similar things, so I was wondering if you might want to go out for coffee and dessert sometime?"

[Batya33]

No - please don't be that intense about "looking for similar things" - it is at once too intense and too vague. Just be light about it - it is no big deal to ask an old classmate to meet for dinner.

 

Do not do this if you expect a "yes" or if you will get all negative if she declines. Not worth it.

[NewPhillyGuy]

No - please don't be that intense about "looking for similar things" - it is at once too intense and too vague. Just be light about it - it is no big deal to ask an old classmate to meet for dinner.

 

Do not do this if you expect a "yes" or if you will get all negative if she declines. Not worth it.

 

What's so intense about that? It's just a statement based on our conversations.

 

"- it is no big deal to ask an old classmate to meet for dinner."

 

Well...what I am trying to do is ask her on a date. It's more than just asking an old classmate to dinner. I don't have any expectation that she will say yes, and even if she does, I don't expect that it will necessarily go anywhere. I don't know her well enough to say that I want it to go anywhere just yet anyway. Just want to fish it out for now.

 

Hmm..but to your point I could do something like this instead:

 

Hey X, it's been great catching up. Would you be interested in meeting up for coffee sometime?

[Batya33]

The intense part was the cliche "we seem to be looking for the same things" - you don't need a reason like that to ask someone to meet for a meal - just what you wrote at the bottom is enough. good luck.

[ghost69]

'we should get together and talk about old times. is there a starbuck's close by?'

[Batya33]

'we should get together and talk about old times. is there a starbuck's close by?'

 

I wouldn't like that - it presumes she wants to talk about "old times" and that she likes to go to starbucks.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I wouldn't like that - it presumes she wants to talk about "old times" and that she likes to go to starbucks.

 

picky, picky batya. I don't think I could date you.

[ghost69]

EDIT - 'we should get together and talk about old times and catch up. is there a starbuck's close by?'

 

to please batya.

[Batya33]

lol. I just think it's nicer to leave things just a bit more open so that if she is not a starbucks fan she doesn't have to pretend to be.

[ghost69]

they have a common bond. it would be nice to use it to show the type of discussion that would occur.

[NewPhillyGuy]

they have a common bond. it would be nice to use it to show the type of discussion that would occur.

 

That's kind of how I feel. It's not that I want to set an expectation even before the first date, but I do want her to know that I am looking for the same as her.

[ghost69]

first of all, they are both looking for somebody.

 

second, they both went to school together.

 

third, i bet they enjoy coffee.

 

 

[NewPhillyGuy]

first of all, they are both looking for somebody.

 

second, they both went to school together.

 

third, i bet they enjoy coffee.

 

 

 

NOT starbucks though. It would be wrong to assume that the poor girl likes starbucks. Can you imagine the horror if I invited her to a starbucks and she actually had to show up and drink that $5.00 mocha????

 

what a jerk I am!

 

 

[Batya33]

lol - it's not wrong to reference "old times" but of course it gives her an easy way to say to herself "nahhh -that was highschool - I've moved past that -not interested" - better to leave all options open. he said he didn't know her well in high school so he doesn't know if she likes reminiscing about it.

[NewPhillyGuy]

lol - it's not wrong to reference "old times" but of course it gives her an easy way to say to herself "nahhh -that was highschool - I've moved past that -not interested" - better to leave all options open. he said he didn't know her well in high school so he doesn't know if she likes reminiscing about it.

 

This was college, but it was still a while ago. Haven't seen this girl in almost 4 years.

[Batya33]

Hey - whatever works for you. I know I wouldn't be enthusiastic if I received an e-mail like that. I would prefer more of a "let's catch up" - more of a present-focused e-mail rather than "let's get together and reminisce about old times" -

 

Reminds me of a dinner I went to where my bf and I brought together two friends who hadn't seen each other since they were 11 (almost 30 years).

 

One says to the other, "um, so, how was the rest of your childhood?"

 

;-)

[ghost69]

Hey - whatever works for you. I know I wouldn't be enthusiastic if I received an e-mail like that. I would prefer more of a "let's catch up" - more of a present-focused e-mail rather than "let's get together and reminisce about old times" -

 

Reminds me of a dinner I went to where my bf and I brought together two friends who hadn't seen each other since they were 11 (almost 30 years).

 

One says to the other, "um, so, how was the rest of your childhood?"

 

;-)

 

sorry, semantics. still the same thing. let's not jack this thread to discuss english.

[Batya33]

To me it's not semantics. It's the difference between "let's reminisce" and "let's catch up on what's going on now." Since he is e-mailing and not calling there will be more focus on the word choice.

 

If someone e-mailed me wanting to catch up on the days we spent at the same company we were at 4 years ago I likely would go but I wouldn't be excited about it. If he wrote "hey -remember me? let's do lunch and catch up" - that would be different - and not just semantics. Not in the least.

[ghost69]

To me it's not semantics. It's the difference between "let's reminisce" and "let's catch up on what's going on now." Since he is e-mailing and not calling there will be more focus on the word choice.

 

If someone e-mailed me wanting to catch up on the days we spent at the same company we were at 4 years ago I likely would go but I wouldn't be excited about it. If he wrote "hey -remember me? let's do lunch and catch up" - that would be different - and not just semantics. Not in the least.

 

ur right, i don't see the correlation.

[boo121]

I decided to try an online dating site again a few weeks ago. I've met 2-3 girls so far, and have been talking to them online and such. I went on a date with one of them last night. Unfortunately, there was no chemistry and she looked alot different from her pictures. I wasn't really attracted to her, so unfortunately, I have to let her down. She's a really sweet and nice girl though, so I hope maybe she might want to still be friends, but I doubt it. Anyway, let me get back on topic to the point of this thread.

 

You want to be able to get off the internet and onto the phone and meet in person as quickley as possible with online dating. That's what it's there for.

 

right im off out to the union... wonkylegs time! ill answer this latr.