My day to day effort to get myself back....

[blindreepr]

I have been feeling cruddy all day today. I have realized so many things about me, about her, about our relationship. Everything. I think that most importantly that I need to decide what I want. If I want to heal, I need a plan. I remember one of my teachers in high school told me that "Prior prudent planning prevents piss poor performance." So, first of all, I need to set goals. Long term goals, short term goals. Goals. I need to figure out what I want. I need to get myself back, I need to find out who I am.

 

I have been in long term relationships since I was 17 years old. My first relationship was up and down like crazy. She cheated on me with just about everyone and finally when I found out another chick liked me I got the gall to leave and never look back. So I went from a 3-4 year up and down relationship immediately into another unhealthy relationship. This next one lasted 2 years. She ended up breaking up with me and leaving me for her coworker, it only lasted a few months between them. Two months after that ex broke up with me I thought I was healed. I got into the most recent relationship with a girl who I was in love with. I was truly in love with this girl, head over heals. I went all out for her, did everything I could to make her happy, but in the end, she left me for her classmate. We were engaged. This happened a month ago. I have been in NC for 22 days.

 

Point of that story? I have no idea what it is like to be single and be happy. When I was single in High School before my first girlfriend I was miserable, I was a nerd, looked down on by all the popular kids and barely had any friends. Fast forward to now, I have no idea how to make friends with people, all these years that I could have been investing in becoming a more social me was wasted on three girls that could care less about me. I focused completely on them and haven't focused on myself at all for the past 6 years.

 

My goals

 

1. Learn to be social. Get rid of my approach anxiety. Be able to talk to anyone, guys, girls, homeless people, people working at the store, people I need to call to make an appointment, anybody. My social anxiety is insane and it's because I never developed this part of myself.

 

2. Make new friends. The friends I do have now are barely even friends. I see them a couple times a week and all they do is bring me down. Most of them are my age, they are unemployed, no goals, no drive, nothing. All they do is drink beer and play video games. They make me depressed about my life. I don't know if I feel worse about myself when I am alone or when I am with them.

 

3. DATE. Part of this will be learning to approach girls and talk to them, and being social (which I am deathly afraid of) but I have settled for every girlfriend I have ever had. I didn't date. I liked them, they liked me. I ignored all the red flags, every time. Why? Well, they were hot, and they liked me, what more could I ask for? I need to date, lots and lots of girls. I need to find out what I want in a mate, what I like in mate, what I don't like, see what is out there.

 

4. Work on my confidence. I need to realize that I don't need a girlfriend to validate myself. I don't need anything to validate myself. I need to learn to be happy with who I am. I have so many good qualities yet I have no confidence and I hate where I am at life right now. I need some confidence.

 

5. Continue working out and eating right. I have been going to the gym almost everyday and eating pretty healthy. I have noticed vast improvement in my physical looks. But I am not yet where I want to be or where I know I could be. I need to do this not only for my health, but for confidence and because looking my absolute best is important to me.

 

6. Focus myself in school. I only have 5-6 months left until I can take the CRT and RRT exams and start working as a Respiratory Therapist. I need to focus on this and not let anything get in my way. This will be my career. Getting a job where I can actually support myself and live on my own will be a huge boost to my confidence. And it will put me in a better place to meet other successful people.

 

7. Get a job and apartment in San Francisco. I love that city. I love the concerts, I love how there is always something to do, I love the culture, I love the SF Giants, I love the nightlife, I love that it's not the central valley of California. I have wanted to move to SF for so long now and as soon as I get my RRT it will be within my reach.

 

8. MOVE ON AND FORGET ABOUT THE EX. I need to get this person, this emotional vampire out of my head. She was toxic. She never loved me, she only loved the way I made her feel. And now she has moved on to someone else who can give her the honeymoon stage butterflies all over again. I need to move on and experience what a relationship with someone who is genuine is like. Someone who will love me for me, and expect nothing more. Someone who I can give everything to and they will actually appreciate it.

 

9. Learn to be happy being single. People have always told me, wait till you are atleast 30 to get married. Ofcourse these were older people that got married too young and wished they could have been single longer. I never understood it. I still dont understand it. I have NO IDEA what it is like to be single and be happy with who I am and my life in general. I only know happiness in relationships. Being single and happy seems so weird to me, but I know many people ARE single and ARE happy. I want that. I NEED that.

 

Well, those are my goals. I hope to reach everyone of them, none of them seem to unattainable or out of reach do they? I think the one that I need to work on the most, the one that will help me with all the other goals is being more social. It will help my confidence, it will help me move on and forget about the ex, it will help me make new friends, it will help me in so many ways. That is the one area of my life that I know I need a huge amount of improvement in.

 

I will be posting in this thread hopefully on a daily basis, or atleast weekly and talking about the things that I am doing to reach these goals. Please do not be afraid to reply or post encouraging comments or even advice to help me reach these goals. If there is anything I left out let me know. Wish me luck and I will hopefully be talking to all of you soon!

[pacodemil]

I think maybe you need to just take some time out and enjoy your life. Go have some fun and just don't worry about the whole relationship thing right now. I think you are right in looking at goals for yourself but don't put to much thought into it. Just kind of go with the flow and enjoy the little things in each day. Remember the ocean is big and there are many fish in it.

[romantic sweetheart]

I am very impressed with your goals, and how you have taken the time to think through them and write them down in such a clear and descriptive way. You have been through a lot, and it takes so much courage to face each new day, I know, and you have been such an inspiration here to many people; I have no doubt about that.

 

I wish I could write more, but bedtime for me! But I just wanted to say how much I admire you! And I am glad that people like you exist in the world, because you bring light to other people's darknesses--just by virtue of your will to embrace the pain, and to grow from it. That is a sacred thing.

[Ampire]

Dude thats awesome, good for you!!!

[benga]

Good for you buddy! The key would be to keep focussed on your goals. Over time you can share with all the secrets of your success...

 

Cheers

[Censored]

Wow, you know how many people DONT have goals and wonder why they never develop or get anywhere they want to go!!!

 

You've made the best start you possibly can.

[blindreepr]

Thank you all for your encouraging words! Today is day 1 on the journey to getting me back. I went to the gym this morning and am about to leave for school. My thoughts have been on my journey to success so far this morning but every now and then they wander back onto the ex. I am trying to think positively and think about how much better I will be without her, and how if it wasn't for her dumping me I would have never even given myself the chance to become a much better person. It's not easy but I'm doing my best. This week in school is finals then Christmas break! I can't wait to have some time off of school, I am going to use all the extra time to work extra hours to help save up for my upcoming move. I think my class is having a thursday night get together to celebrate being done with the last class before christmas break, I think I may actually go this time. Like I said before, I was never really that social, I didn't give people a chance and I used to think that people didn't give me a chance so I didn't care. It's time for me to take myself out of my shell and get to know new people. I have always excluded myself from groups where people were forced to be together, such as school and work, but where else do I expect to make new friends? I can't wait to see how I have progressed in a couple months.

[blindreepr]

Well, I put myself one step closer to getting a job as an RT after I finish school. I am now apart of the American Association of Respiratory Care. Membership was 50 dollars but it looks great on a resume. I also looked and saw that there is a ton of job openings at all the various hospitals in San Fran. I can't wait.

[blindreepr]

I was just talking to my brother and I realized something. I want to be more social right? Why can't I be? Why can't I talk to people I don't know and make friends? I do it all the time at work! I work at an old folks home, and work the rehab unit from time to time, where I have new patients everyday. These patients are STRANGERS. Yet, I am able to talk to them, bathe them, dress them and even wipe their butt!

 

Yet for some reason I can't talk to a random interesting looking guy, or hot chick or anybody outside of where I am used to. The problem is my frame. I need to reframe my belief that I can't talk to strangers and make friends. I do it all the time and get much more close and personal with those people. Making new friends should be easy for me! I am a nice, funny, intelligent, interesting guy. If I can wipe a strangers butt I should be able to shake another strangers hand.

[need2bme]

I like your goals. I have always read that if you want to make your goals happen, they have to be written down.

 

1. Learn to be social. Get rid of my approach anxiety. Be able to talk to anyone, guys, girls, homeless people, people working at the store, people I need to call to make an appointment, anybody. My social anxiety is insane and it's because I never developed this part of myself.

 

That is EXACTLY what I did and do. It works and it gets you better prepared to talk to anyone. Most importantly, be yourself. Use your sense of humor, your ideas, etc. Don't get down though, if someone is rude to you.

 

2. Make new friends. The friends I do have now are barely even friends. I see them a couple times a week and all they do is bring me down. Most of them are my age, they are unemployed, no goals, no drive, nothing. All they do is drink beer and play video games. They make me depressed about my life. I don't know if I feel worse about myself when I am alone or when I am with them.

 

A lot of times we get wrapped up in our SO and lose sight of what we once did/had. A person can never have too many friends, unless he owes them all money. As we get older though, we find that we gravitate to a few REALLY good friends.

 

5. Continue working out and eating right. I have been going to the gym almost everyday and eating pretty healthy. I have noticed vast improvement in my physical looks. But I am not yet where I want to be or where I know I could be. I need to do this not only for my health, but for confidence and because looking my absolute best is important to me.

 

A great goal to have. I was working out HARD and lost a lot of weight. Of course, the ex said I was getting "too skinny". Anything to get out of us, right? She always complained that her ex was too fat. Go figure. My ex also said that me wanting to have a perfect body was insecure. My friend said, "really, I thought it was just being healthy". ;-)

 

Anyway, I can vouch from personal experience just this weekend, from seeing a previous ex before this one and she and everyone else was all over me with the praise and the looks. My ego high only lasted about an hour and a half, because of your # 9....which brings me to...

 

9. Learn to be happy being single. People have always told me, wait till you are atleast 30 to get married. Ofcourse these were older people that got married too young and wished they could have been single longer. I never understood it. I still dont understand it. I have NO IDEA what it is like to be single and be happy with who I am and my life in general. I only know happiness in relationships. Being single and happy seems so weird to me, but I know many people ARE single and ARE happy. I want that. I NEED that.

 

I have actually been told that I have always defined myself through a relationship, since I was 18 (married) and up until now. The problem is that I absolutely LOVE being in a relationship. In fact, for me, I want nothing more than to settle down and take care of a wife and kids. As you have eluded to in your item 9 though, I am older than you.

 

With that being written, I too do not know how to operate outside of a relationship, nor do I know HOW to even BE single. I have given myself 6 months at least (actually it was mandated to me), to try and figure out being single. I think this will make us both better people.

 

As to why the info I wrote above your # 9, actually is also about #9, is that even if you have the perfect body and have not come to grips with who you are inside, then you still won't be ok. I still have a lot to work on.

 

So, stick to these goals and I think you will be fine.

[shell80]

Great self motivating post matey.....that is the first step to finding 'you'.

 

I can not stress to you and everyone on here, just how important it is to be single in your life...especially in your 20s.

 

My ex was a serial relationship guy and he once told me that he didn't feel complete unless he was in a relationship. I remember thinking ' hang on..that's not right....that is a totally different viewpoint to me '. You need to be your own self, independent and happy by yourself before you can truly be in a healthy relationship. You should compliment each other, not complete each other.

 

I think that single people are the strongest, motivated and worldly people out there - as they have had to make their own independence, be self reliant and happy on their own. I think that everyone needs to experience this at least once in their lifetime.

[need2bme]

You need to be your own self, independent and happy by yourself before you can truly be in a healthy relationship. You should compliment each other, not complete each other.

 

I think that single people are the strongest, motivated and worldly people out there - as they have had to make their own independence, be self reliant and happy on their own. I think that everyone needs to experience this at least once in their lifetime.

 

Amen. This is so what I am going to try and learn to do.

 

Good thread.

[blindreepr]

You need to be your own self, independent and happy by yourself before you can truly be in a healthy relationship. You should compliment each other, not complete each other.

 

I think that single people are the strongest, motivated and worldly people out there - as they have had to make their own independence, be self reliant and happy on their own. I think that everyone needs to experience this at least once in their lifetime.

 

That right there is my number one goal. I need to learn to love myself before I can love someone else.

[blindreepr]

Well, I have found myself thinking less about my ex, and more about my goals. I hope that this is going to be a trend. I've also been reading a whole lot more. I'm currently about 250 pages into a book called "The Red Queen" which has given me alot of insight into the way that males and females interact from an evolutionary standpoint. All in all I would say that I am doing much better than I was a couple days ago.

[blindreepr]

well, today I worked towards the goal of being more social. I went to a local coffee show and hung out with the previous exgf before the one that I am NCing now. Stuff went fairly well, we had a good convo, met a couple new people, was able to hold my own in the conversation. I still need work, but every little bit of practice is good practice. Went to the therapist today and she said all my goals seem to be good, that I just need to commit to working on each one of them, which I feel that I have. All in all, stuff is going good for me.

[benga]

Good for you. I am glad you are focussing on yourself. Its the best for you for the time being.

 

In my experience, you will feel different feelings and emotions everyday. Its very normal to experience those. Happy and high one day, sloppy and low the next. Just understand that these are very very normal. Keep busy, keep fit, spend time with friends/family - but also spend time with yourself....

[blindreepr]

well, today has been alright. I finished my last final and I feel pretty good about it. I did alittle bit of cardio at the gym and that's been about it so far. I was thinking today, about how basically all of my girlfriends has left me for another man, I was all emotional about the current ex girlfriend and her new budding relationship, whatever you want to call it.

 

Then I thought, well, this has happened to me in the past, and in the past what has happened?

 

Well the first girlfriend left me for another guy, gave her virginity to him after knowing him for two days and eventually came back to me after two months, then left me again a year later for another dude in another state. I lost contact with her after that, but the point is that the first time I was left for another guy it didn't work out between them.

 

Second girlfriend, was with me for two years, then left me for her coworker that she had a crush on. They were together for a couple months, not sure exactly how long but all I know is that she doesn't even talk to him now. Obviously they didn't work out and I know that it didn't even last 6 months.

 

So, with this third ex, the current ex, why am I worried about it working out? When I know that along with the fact that most rebounds don't work that she has ALOT of issues that she will need to iron out before she will ever be able to be in a good, healthy, long relationship. She sabotaged our relationship and she will do it again if this guy doesnt get rid of her before she has a chance.

 

Also what does it matter if it works out between them or not? Like my friend told me, I don't need VALIDATION from a women, or from anyone else for that matter. Sure, them not working out would be validation that it wasn't me, that it was her and her issues, but still, I shouldn't NEED that to be able to move on.

[blindreepr]

Well, I was thinking about the ex today, as my mind tends to wander back onto her every now and then. It's only been about 5-6 weeks since she left me, so I guess that is normal. But when thinking about her, I started to think about my goals and how all of my goals have nothing to do with her at all (other than the getting over her goal) These goals are all things that I need to accomplish in my life, to be a happier, healthier person. And NONE of them have anything to do with her. Point being?

 

I DON'T NEED HER!

 

I have things that I NEED to do in my life, and she does not need to be apart of my life for me to accomplish them. In fact, many of the goals will probably be easier now that she is out of my life. I need to remember this everytime I think about her.

 

I DO NOT NEED HER!

 

The only person that can and will help me, is myself. And if I don't take care of myself, nobody else will.

[blindreepr]

well, I'm off to huntington beach right now. First weekend trip post breakup. I'm going to visit some chick friends that I have known for a while. It'll be nice to get out of the valley. Hopefully the change in scenery will bring me back with a renewed look at how things are going. Wish me luck.

[blindreepr]

Well, I'm back. Going on a vacation was good for me, although it was hard at the same time. The last time I went to Disneyland and Huntington Beach was with my ex, I took her there for her birthday. So while I had fun, it did bring back alot of memories of the ex and make me think of her.

 

Today also marks 30 days of NC. It's been a week since I have checked her online blogs or myspace also. My next goals is 60 days of NC and to go for 3 more weeks of not checking her online life. It always just makes me feel like crap. Once I reach that goal I will see if I can double it again.

[blindreepr]

Well, hitting the milestone of 30 days NC has been tough. The fact that she hasn't even tried to contact me is probably what is making it so hard. I need to stop worrying about it.

 

Today I started a new workout routine since it has been 6 weeks since I started working out. I guess you are supposed to keep your body guessing and change up your routine every 6 weeks for optimal results. Since I am trying to gain mass I started lifting a little bit heavier today, boy am I pooped! We will see how well this routine works out. I am thinking about studying to become a personal trainer just for a fun part time job. Plus the knowledge would be helpful for my own workouts and it would be a great way to meet new people (especially women, haha)

[blindreepr]

Another tough day today. For some reason I just woke up tired and depressed. Not sure why. I could barely motivate myself to get to the gym. I sort of relapsed and checked her blog, she is dating tons of new guys. Making out with all of them. I guess it makes her feel better about herself that she can make out with dudes or something. It makes me feel like crap. I hate her. I went to the gym and I feel alittle bit better than I did before. I just want to get over her. I want to be happy with myself and find someone that will be happy with me. I tried giving her everything and it wasn't enough.

[jdubs]

I sort of relapsed and checked her blog

 

I just want to get over her.

 

My advice would be....

 

Don't do the first thing, and you'll get to the second thing MUCH faster.

 

 

It worked for me. Take care.

[hpsowce]

Just to echo jdubs advice, STOP CHECKING HER BLOG!

 

Take this advice from someone that's done all that, been there, bought the t-shirt and hacked the t-shirt sellers email account to see if he was emailing my ex.

 

You're going to have to stop doing it sooner or later, please don't believe that one day you'll wake up and not want to check it, it doesn't work like that, you have to take control of yourself first. Force yourself to stop checking it and eventually you'll realise you don't want to check it... why? because you'll realise you feel a hell of a lot better not checking it than you did before.

[jdubs]

Yep. What Hpsowce said.... exactly.