Thought I had moved on...

[jshbrn]

6 months ago I went through a terrible breakup that put me through the worst time of my life.

 

I am in a budding relationship now, with someone that makes me very happy...but I find myself dealing with issues because of what I went through this summer.

 

I'm finding it very hard to trust anyone now.

 

The thought of calling someone my "girlfriend" now kind of freaks me out.

 

I think I am subconsciously creating rifts between me and the new girl - in order to prevent myself from getting to close/attached to her and getting hurt again (goes back to the trust thing).

 

I will dream about my ex once in awhile, and wake up upset/angry. I will be in a bad mood for a couple days and take it out on the new girl.

 

I have been very open and honest to the new girl with these issues I am dealing with, but I feel as though it probably just sounds like I'm making excuses for us not to be in an official relationship. (There is no title now, but we have made it exclusive). I feel like I am just going to frustrate her to the point where she will get fed up and move on - but I dont want to rush into anything at this time. It sucks because I really like this girl, and thought it would be a long time before I felt this way about anyone.

 

I am over my ex (the person), but not the situation I went through. It makes me so mad that something she did to me is still affecting my life, 6 months later. Since the breakup, my life has gotten insanely better (I now own my own house, have a great new job, new car, have a newfound respect and love for my friends and family, met many great new people, etc) but i still find myself thinking about her almost on a daily basis - but i hate her!

 

I dont really know if I'm even asking for advice or anything - just wanted to put some of these thoughts out there. If anyone has anything they'd like to share with me, please feel free.

[kevinm]

History is history. Of course the past will shape who you are, your beliefs, your feelings, etc. The point is to recognize that you can't live in the past. You need to grow from your experiences, not be tied to them. Open your heart, let go of your past, and put your heart into the hands of the new GF. If you think you're going to be hurt again you will be hurt again. Only you can release yourself from your own mental slavery.

 

-Kevin

[Nixee]

Oh boy... you sound like you are where I was just a couple months ago. Look up my posts, you'll find it all in them haha

 

I know just how you feel. You accept that you aren't with them, but you can't yet accept what they did to you... can't accept how the breakup happened.

 

I also got into a new relationship with someone great fairly soon and felt like I was distancing myself a bit.

 

The sad part of that is that just recently I've started to fear that things aren't quite right with the new guy. I realize that, though I thought I was ready to get involved with him, perhaps I wasn't quite ready enough.

 

The upside is that I have gradually been dealing with things... getting better.. changing. I just don't know what it means for the new relationship yet.

 

But I so understand how you feel. You might owe it to the new girl in your life to slow down some and try to heal a bit more.

[benga]

Could this be the after effects of a rebound or getting into a relationship when you are entirely not over the other... Classical and very stereotypical. Not advised at all.

[Censored]

Heal yourself first ,as you cannot really grow from past experiences when with another whilst still healing

[Illyria07]

Don't get into a new relationship before you know you are over the old one! If you really like this person you've started seeing now, try to just stay friends for the time being. I've recently come out of a relationship with someone I still love and care for deeply, and it's so painful to know that we could have had something great together but because I hadn't dealt with issues from my previous relationship it all got totally messed up. I SO wished I had just stayed friends with him until I was ready to get more deeply involved - all my insticts at the time told me so, but I ignored them...

[buckdawg]

it sounds like you still have a lot of hostility towards the ex and you probably won't be able to move forward until that's dealt with.

[Orlander]

Your "situation" now involves your ex so, no, you are not over your ex yet. I dont think you should put your new relationship on hold though unless you have the feeling that you just deal with being alone or without someone. No one wants to be a rebound.

 

Just take your time. Limit the amount of time you spend with your new "friend" and think about excluding sexual activities until you are on more stable ground.

[kevinm]

I disagree with the concept that you have to be "over" someone before moving on the the next person. Sometimes you need to be in a relationship to move forward. Every relationship beyond your first is a rebound in a way. The thing to do is learn and grow. No need to place any expectations on the next relationship. Open your heart and go love someone!

 

-Kevin

[need2bme]

I would agree with both Orlander AND KevinM.

 

I think we really get over things when we are in a new relationship. Sure, we figure things out that we want to change, but we cannot put anything into action, until we are with someone new.

 

Also, being with someone new, when they are good for us, helps to push out the bad stuff from the ex.

 

However, IF you think you are rebounding AT ALL, don't do this to her. I was a rebound and it sucks.

 

With all that written, I want you to READ the following, carefully...

 

We are not what we feel or what other's say or what an argument is, but HOW WE REACT TO ANY OF IT.

 

OK?

 

The old tapes will play. It takes a while to build trust and any new habits. What I ask you to do is this...

 

When you start to feel upset, take a breath and look at everything around what you are feeling. Did the new girl cause what you are feeling? Did anything happen before or after the feeling or incident that should make you feel bad towards her? Also, try to reframe whatever it is that you feel.

 

What I mean is, (as an example-happened to me) if she needs to be with her family, but has been with you most of the time, or if her family always has an eye and ear on what she is doing and is ALWAYS giving advice, just know that there are others who love whom you love and only want what is best for her, regardless of how they go about it.

 

Just remember, you are only defined by your actions. The actions you take when responding to anything...

[benga]

Getting into a fresh relationship for the sake of getting over an old one is all wrong. Its a temporary distraction and very close to putting your head under the carpet. Things will bounce back and come to hurt you again over time.

 

This approach is not recommended