I am going to offend a lot of people

[HajiMaji]

Today ive been not doing the greatest. I am blaming my sickness which has left me relatively isolated all weekend which gave me too much time to think. Anyway, my current feelings are down because of the standard, "All my friends are with someone and I feel like I am too old to find someone and I missed my chance with love."

 

I am 23, so I realize I shouldnt feel too much like this, but I do. My cousin who is 3 years younger than me is getting married in the summer. Two other younger cousins are in long term relationships, and last time I was home they kept talking about how they are pretty sure their boyfriends were going to propose soon. And I could go on about how most of my friends have parterns, but I think everyone understands how I feel.

 

I guess I just feel like I am old to meet someone. I also feel like everyone probably already has a partner, so even if I have time, no one else is on the same page as me!

 

I know logically none of this is true, but I guess I could just use some support with it. I know a lot of people would read this and think, "Hey.. youre 23... I am 100 times older than that.." I am not trying to upset anyone. I am just tryin to deal with my feelings.

[kevinm]

People have gotten together in their 60s and 70s. At 23 you've got a LONG way to go. Don't try and keep up with the joneses. Just do your own thing and focus on something else... when the time is right love will find you.

 

-Kevin

[Nixee]

If you are getting too old at 23... well.. I'm expired I guess!

 

But I know how you feel... At about your age is when all of my friends started getting married. I feel like I've constantly been going to weddings ever since, and I'm nowhere closer.

 

But try not to sweat it. Being married at that age is still considered a bit to young by many. For some people it works out great, for others it is just their first big mistake. You have to do what is right for YOU. There is no time limit.

[Suesser Tod]

I am 23, so I realize I shouldnt feel too much like this, but I do. My cousin who is 3 years younger than me is getting married in the summer. Two other younger cousins are in long term relationships, and last time I was home they kept talking about how they are pretty sure their boyfriends were going to propose soon. And I could go on about how most of my friends have parterns, but I think everyone understands how I feel.

 

Yes, I know how you feel, I felt like that some time ago.

 

Have you seen the statistics? Take a look at them, then let me know how these young marriages end.

 

I'm 29, and eventhough most people my age are already married, I know I'm not ready to get married yet (not even with my now ex, I did think of marriage, but not in the short or middle term).

 

 

Don't give in to peer pressure, your time will come, and you'll know when it comes.

[Suesser Tod]

If you are getting too old at 23... well.. I'm expired I guess!

 

Hey we can be put on display on a museum!

[Nixee]

Hey we can be put on display on a museum!

 

haha! Honestly though... I'd rather be on display with the placard reading "STILL not married yet" than be already married to the wrong man.

[Censored]

Erm, I think you need to look a little deeper into why you are feeling this way Haji. Im sensing some serious self esteem issues.

 

You know what, quit looking at what other people have. Trust me, some of them will be looking at you thinking "I wish i was still single".

 

I also believe that a LOT of people settle for less than perfect relationships b/c they think thats what they have to do. I think its a bonus that you are not doing that.

[musicguy]

I'm 28, just got a girlfriend after 2 years of being single. Two of my cousins are married and two have children. It sucks and I know how you feel, but your 23, there's still time. It's not like the older you get finding love is gonna stop. Some people find love earlier than others, maybe it isn't your time yet...but it will be soon

[Angel_baby]

You still have so much in the future! 23 is still considered a bit young to get married.

 

Coming from someone that knows... I married at the age of 19. I thought everyone didn't know what they were talking about and didn't understand/know our relationship to tell us that it was a mistake marrying so young.

 

It is a mistake to rush things.

 

I had my son at the age of 20, then shortly after I became disabled. I am now in an abusive relationship I can't get out of. If I would've just taken some time and seen the type of person my husband really was... I wouldn't of married him.

 

Don't rush anything, let things come as they will.

[just M.E.]

Haji - No, No my good man!!!!

I'm 55 and guess what? I am a commodity at this moment, who would have ever thought it?

 

I've gone on a couple of dates, one holds promise and it is really nice. You have forever in front of you, there are loves out there you haven't even met yet! ;-)

 

 

You really are a amazing person, you'll get your chance again and probably again after that, trust me .... it really will happen. If an old girl like me can catch a cute guy's eye, you can do anything. By the way, there really still are some really nice guys still hanging around even at my age.

I'm sure the right gal for you will cross your path yet.

 

It's because you're feeling under the weather, I was sick early, same thing, got the blues.

[shell80]

Hey there - sorry you are feeling rather shizer today.

 

23...wow, please don't think this is over the hill, you know that is just crazy talk. Ive had 3 broken hearts now.. completely sucks, but ive also had my

20s to myself - to travel a million places, do things id never dreamt of doing, meet amazing people, and just be young and free. While I would of happily of married my first love, I wouldnt trade all of those experiences for anything. I look forward to telling my grandchildren all ofthe crazy adventurous things their gran did...

 

While it is good for some...I really do think that marrying early 20s is too young. Unless you can grow and change with your partner..you will find a lot of divorced early 30 somethings in today's society unfortunately.

 

I do know how you feel....I too feel sad, left out, and like im missing something big - but I am 27 - not 23. I wish I could of told myself at 23 that I was crazy to have worried about that sort of malarchy.

 

You will meet someone again, Ive no doubt, but in the meantime - don't worry about others - the grass is not always greener, and just enjoy being free, no ties and with the world at your feet.

[blindreepr]

I'm 24 and my fiance cheated on me and dumped me for another guy a month ago. I feel the same way. While I know it ridiculous to feel like I am getting old and will never love again, I cant help but feel surpassed by all my friends who are in relationships (healthy or unhealthy)

[HajiMaji]

I do know how you feel....I too feel sad, left out, and like im missing something big - but I am 27 - not 23. I wish I could of told myself at 23 that I was crazy to have worried about that sort of malarchy.

 

That pretty well sums up how I feel. Ill be alright, but I do feel like I am missing out.

 

I also want to thank everyone for responding. Ill be alright, but Im just tryin to get through it all. Its not like I am envious of other people or anything, its just.. I feel like time passed me by. Its sorta like when you are going to a party but your car breaks down. You arent jealous your friends are at the party, but you are thinking about all the good times you are missing out on! And you are probably anxious to get there.

 

I have good days though, a lot of em. This is just a low point. I imagine sooner or later I will figure out how to live at peace with it all and not feel this way. Its just hard for me right now.

 

And I think what a lot of people are saying is true. Marrying young can be rough because you dont know what you are doing or who you are. Also getting in relationships with people you probably shouldnt just so that you can fufill a need is definitely a bad thing. My cousin (who has never been single for more than one month since 6th grade) will never feel how I feel. That way of being comes with its own set of problems, and I wouldnt switch places with her. So I guess for now I will deal with a bit of sadness feeling like life has passed me over. And I am sorry for anyone who is older than me and feeling this way.

[musicguy]

my ex girlfriend is 22 and she's already been married and divorced twice

[benga]

Its good to be single.... Marriage & relationships come with their own trials and tribulations. At times so frustrating that you want to pull your hair out. I havent experienced those feelings of frustration and hurt since I have become single....

[yellow_sweater]

I cant help but feel surpassed by all my friends who are in relationships (healthy or unhealthy)

 

I'm really sorry that you feel that way. As long as a relationship is a goal for you, you may have a hard time being in a healthy one.

 

A relationship is not the point. It's a natural byproduct of finding someone with whom you're deeply compatible and ready for mutual commitment. It's certainly not a competition to see who can have the "best," or the most "over-the-top in love," or the biggest wedding cake, or whatever.

 

Again, I'm sorry that you feel that way. I hope you can overcome that.

 

YS, age 25

 

P.S. All your friends getting married in their teens... haha... this has been said before, but write back to us in a decade and let us know how many of them are still together.

[lilsmc]

i feel that way too. Well i have guys tryin to talk to me and telling me im pretty and all nice things girls like to hear, but for some reason i never find myself involved in any type of serious relationship. i actually went on a date last night with some guy who i thought was nice and good looking, but it turned out to be so bad. He offended me telling me i was onlyh talkin to him cuz he had money and he called me all kinds of names. I was so hurt and wanted to cry but i held back because i didnt want him to see how bad he hurt me. as soon as i got home i called my friend up and started crying my eyes out because he doesnt know me to talk to me like that. It was so hurtful. I DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH MEN , because every guy i try to talk to, turns out to be such an A!!!!!OLE

[EQD]

Here we go basing our worthiness as people on our marital status....

really is society doing this to us or is it human nature to feel worthless if we aren't in love?

[Batya33]

Here we go basing our worthiness as people on our marital status....

really is society doing this to us or is it human nature to feel worthless if we aren't in love?

 

Why are you necesarily connecting marriage with true love? Are you sure all your friends who are married/about to get engaged/engaged are truly in love or are they truly in love with the "status" far more than the person? Or planning the party, the dress, the flowers? You probably won't know as the veil of silence typically goes up once the engagement ring arrives. half of my friends who married young are either miserable or got divorced. I am not at all saying that you should think negatively just more realistically.

 

An older, close friend of mine got married at 24 after a whirlwind 7 month dating/engagement. She looked beautiful, radiant, glowing. As she explained many years later they were each in self-denial about their feelings for each other and the success of a marriage. They were together 20 years and had several kids. It isn't easy for them!

 

I am 41 and have a boyfriend, was engaged at 23 and one other time and am glad I didn't get married at those times. I also was proposed to a few other times.

 

We are on the right track, that's for sure and the best part is that I grew out of that phase many years ago of viewing getting married as an accomplishment or an increase in status so that if we do marry it will be for all the right reasons.

 

I also found that I was far more popular - in all the right ways - with men in my 30s than in my 20s because I came into my own more, was more self-confident and not desperate to marry.

 

I do think that having a happy and healthy long marriage or long term relationship is a true accomplishment - I just don't think the "finding someone to marry, getting the diamond, the pretty dress and the party" is such an accomplishment. It depends.

[HajiMaji]

I think it is simplifying the problem to say that we are basing our self worth depending if we are in love or not. If it were truly that simple, wed all just go out and find a marginally acceptable person to date and it would be all good.

 

When you are with someone and you decide that this is going to be the one person you spend your life with, it carries a lot of weight. If your ability to stick with decisions is strong, then of course you are going to feel like time passed you by! How can you make up for it?

 

I think of sports. Say a head football coach commits to a decision to go for it on 4th down. If you mess up, you feel dumb about it, but you quickly forget because you have the rest of the game to coach. In realationships we commit to someone and have no chance to 'make up for it' if we fail like in a football 4th down conversion. If our relationship goes sour thats it. The reason we are at a conflict is because we said to ourselves, "This is the one person I am going to be with forever." Now we have the new information, "This is the one person who I can never be with because we broke up." Those are both opposite statements.

 

My comitment is pretty strong. I feel like it has to be, but maybe it is too strong.. I dont know yet, im still figuring this all out. I just know I would NOT want to be like a football coach who immediately forgets about the 4th down play and moves on to the next girl, only to forget her when it later messes up. I want to have more invested, more strength in my decisions. I feel that ultimately that determines the strength of the love.

 

So the way I see it, until I am healed, the only real way to deal with those two statements is to feel like I missed my chance with love. To feel like I am too old. I am one of the most confident guys ever. I do not think I am worthless if I am not inlove, but when a large part of your soul is dedicated to another person, you go through changes. Their life becomes a high priority in yours, so you are less individualistic. If you do not feel energized and fufilled when loving that person, I question why you would do it! It only seems natural that when you choose love as a life choice that you would go into atrophy when it is gone. You have a sector of energy that is always applied to yourself, but I think a lot of people who have experienced love feel the desire to give parts of themselves to another person. I think that is completely valid and respectable.

[Batya33]

But what of love that is not romantic - the love that you might give to a child you adopt, or if you teach, to your students in the form of giving knowledge and being a mentor? To your parents or grandparents especially as they age? To a community in need with your time and hard work to help?

 

Not all commitments are created equal - just because someone commits to marriage doesn't mean they truly know what they are doing or take it as seriously as you believe they do.

[alcide]

Life is a stage, good things comes to those who wait. Don't feel discourage, for nothing lasts forever, " and it came to pass", Just remember in your down moments that there are people ging through wrost things than you. Blessed everytime.

[shell80]

I completely understand what you are saying Haji mate - and I admire your depth of thinking. You are obviously a very intelligent and wise young man. However try not to analyse life too much - I think we are all guilty of taking it all too seriously sometimes. Perhaps try not to focus on a 'love and opportunity lost' and focus on what great things are right there in front of you right now. You don't want to miss out on those things - and the love of others such as your family and friends, because of a past love.

[Iarra]

When you are with someone and you decide that this is going to be the one person you spend your life with, it carries a lot of weight. If your ability to stick with decisions is strong, then of course you are going to feel like time passed you by! How can you make up for it?

 

We just make do with what we have. Just face reality and work with it. The fact is, we're single. We don't have that one person yet. As with anything, it has its good side and bad side. Let's choose to focus on the good side. We have more time for ourselves. We can do pretty much whatever we want. You know what's worse than being single and lonely? Being married and lonely. If I were to choose between that and being single, I'd rather be single.

 

My comitment is pretty strong. I feel like it has to be, but maybe it is too strong.. I dont know yet, im still figuring this all out. I just know I would NOT want to be like a football coach who immediately forgets about the 4th down play and moves on to the next girl, only to forget her when it later messes up. I want to have more invested, more strength in my decisions. I feel that ultimately that determines the strength of the love.

 

That is what is missing in a lot of relationships nowadays. Your love isn't the type that just gets swayed in whatever direction the wind blows. You stand strong, and I admire you for that. Like what I said in another thread, if your ex doesn't appreciate that, it's not your fault. The next girl that you love will be very blessed. That I'm sure of

[HajiMaji]

Thanks for the response, Iarra. I appreciate what you said.

 

Being married and lonely is a horrible concept, so Id rather be single and lonely. But also, just like you said, I am trying to focus on the good side. Its sorta like how I was sick for a week and unable to go out with my group of friends to celebrate the end of classes. I was definitely down about it, but at the same time I decided it was a good excuse to play a lot of guitar. So I am working on using the same logic and feeling happy about not having someone, but sometimes it gets me.

 

I guess well see what happens with the hypothetical new girl. In the mean time I will try and live more happily, but its a challenge sometimes.