Am I holding on to something that is gone?

[xxfitchick]

Alright, this is a very long and complex story, hence why I need some objective advice and viewpoints. This forum seems to be comprised of very mature people who have a more optimistic viewpoint that "dump him" haha.

 

So, my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years and were best friends for a solid three years before that. Even while being "friends" we felt something for each other. We now attend two separate colleges that are two hours away, but his is in our hometown so we see each other fairly frequently. We were also considering a transfer next year. We have talked about the potential to spend the rest of our lives together since we were 16, which sounds stupid, but I truly believe that we are meant for each other.

 

Things got rough this year because he began living in the fraternity he joined last semester. I am also greek, however, the constant partying and having girls in the room got to me, though he has never given me a reason not to trust him. I became jealous, insecure, and generally not very pleasant and we began fighting a lot. Finally, six weeks ago, he requested a break, stating that he thought we both needed some time to be ourselves and appreciate each other again. We agreed not to see anybody else or become physical with anybody else (minus dancing at parties). Originally, we were supposed to get back together over Thanksgiving, however, this did not happen because he felt he needed more time. Rather than being supportive, I cried, begged, and basically did everything I shouldn't have but he promised we would get back together over Christmas none-the-less. I am not sure if I believe this or not and that is where I need your help.

 

I have not innitiated any contact for the second 3 weeks of the break, however, we do talk everyday because he IMs me and occasionally calls. I generally try to keep it short and only brought up the break once (at the very beginning, mistake, I know, but I was torn up). He still tells me he loves me and when I was home last weekend (to see friends and attend a bears game) we ended up hanging out twice on his request. I did not have sex with him and I kept it fairly casual (no making out, but cuddling, holding hands ect...) Everybody says he still calls me his girlfriend (never his ex) and one of his brothers even told me he has said he is getting back together with me. However, I am concerned that he is simply keeping me around because it is "comfortable" because I still don't feel as though he misses me. I have been working out tons, am getting my hair done, gone tanning, bought new clothes, gone out with friends and re-connected with old ones, so it's not like i'm sitting around letting him think i'm sulking (though I do often feel sad and lonely).

 

He invited me to his family christmas dinner and he is coming to a family christmas party of mine and has also expressed interest in going on dates... I just don't want to have a really fabulous break together and then have him dump me in the end, i feel like he gives me NO signs of wanting me back despite him "promising" me.... so here are my questions:

 

- is it okay that we speak daily, as long as he innitiates (i know about the no contact rule, but since we aren't broken up, only on a break, i figure it is alright...)

 

- is it okay to attend family functions together, or is the just false hope and innappropriate while on a break?

 

- what should I do if he doesn't bring up the situation by the end of christmas break?

 

- physically, how "far" should I go? Obviously, no sex or anything like that until we get back together, but what about holding hands, kissing, cuddling ect...

 

- is it okay to suggest date like activities, or should I let him do all the intiating?

 

- finally, based on what I have said, is he just living the best of both worlds or does he really just need the space and time?

 

I know that a lot to digest, but any advice would be fantastic. I feel very lost and confused and I would hate to think my best friend could hurt me like this... but I feel like he doesn't miss me and that he is happier partying with the guys and "living the good life" than being with me.

[Censored]

NC until you know what is happening. Don't put yourself through this.

 

This is a BREAK. Treat it that way. it may end up as the end of the relationship. If it does then atleast you can have a tiny tiny amount of comfort knowing that you weren't simply kept there as a back-up for when he feels lonely or whatever.

[jenny_mcs]

Well, my first instinct is that he is having the best of both worlds- he has a great girl that cares about him that he can call whenever he wants and knows she is not going to be seeing anyone else, but he has absolutely no obligation - because technically you're "on a break."

 

I would see how it goes over X-mas break. But honestly- I would probably create a little distance. Don't be available every time he calls or wants to hang out.

 

As far as the family stuff, that's tough, because it sounds like you're close to his family. Maybe see how the first part of the break goes.

 

Also, I would cut off the cuddling and hand-holding.

 

I wold not bring anything about the relationship up. He knows how you feel about it.

 

Basically there has been a power shift in the relationship- he decided he wanted a break, he delayed getting back together. I think he needs to miss you, because right now, it sounds like you're there whenever he wants a girlfriend- a date for holiday stuff, someone to chitchat with about his day, etc. BUt then when it's inconvenient to have a gf- frat parties, etc- he's single.

 

It's not fair to you.

[xxfitchick]

thanks guys...

 

NC is pretty much impossible over break, considering we have already made plans and have a lot of mutual friends, however, I have already made plans with other people and do not plan on spending every waking moment with him by any means

 

I'm going out to dinner with two of my guy friends as well as attending a holiday party with my old girl friends from high school.

 

maybe i will try cutting off any of the "hand holding" couples stuff... it's just so hard because regardless of what people say about a break being a "break up" in sheeps clothing, it ISN'T the same, especially when you aren't seeing other people (by the way, I have a bajillion mutual friends at his school who have been giving me updates, despite me asking them not too, they can't resist hehe and always report that he has been a "good boy")

 

the main struggle I am having is showing him that I am still that amazing, fun, flirtatious and sexy girl while maintaining very little contact... how should I go about demonstrating this?

 

Honestly, is this a hopeless cause? Am I being lead on?

[jayn-16]

This is the best answer. Completely agree with jenny.

 

MAINTAIN THE DISTANCE !!!

 

Do not be available every time he contacts you, cut the calls short. Avoid meeting him everytime. Be strong and resist it !!!

 

It is possible that he still loves you. So make it clear that you will be maintaining the distance, till he is ready. If you don't, he'll think you are upto something and may pull away further. He needs to miss you.

 

P.S. If its possible, mention casually that you want to get back together. But don't make it dramatic.

[Censored]

Hi fitchick,

 

you don;t need to show him that you are still the amazing, fun flirtatious and sexy girl...........he already knows this. he has chosen to take a break. He has chosen to give up that amazing, fun and sexy girl. HE does not deserve to be able to call on that girl at a whim, and when he feels like it.

 

Why should he get you when he wants? Go NC with him. Cancel the darn "made plans" or at the very least if they are with mutual friends, go to them separately. Don't catch a ride with him or anything like that.

 

I know you desperatly want this to work out, but trust me when we say the berst thing you can do is keep your distance. Right now, whether he means it or not, he is using you.

 

Go NC, stick to it and make him realise what he has lost that way. Because right now, he hasn't lost anything at all.

[xxfitchick]

Again, I sincerely appreciate all the advice, I just don't know how to innitiate no contact now, since the break is supposedly almost over. Wouldn't it seem kind of akward to tell him now, 4 days before I come home, that I can't really talk to him?

 

I sound so weak and pathetic right now, I just want another chance so badly. I behaved in a way that was not me and he put up with it for so long and it would just kill me to never receive a chance at redemption because I love this man so much on so many different levels.

 

I wish I would have known all this NC stuff before hand because at this point it seems like it would be so obvious that I am trying to "make him miss me" and not really work.

 

How can I go about this and how will I know when he is ready to be with me again if we aren't really speaking to one another?

 

I am fearful of not hanging out because I feel like this is our last chance for awhile to really have some time to ourselves, no * * * * * * * fraternity guys, no distance. Sorry to keep questioning a strategy that I'm sure works, I just am having difficulty seeing how to effectively put it into practice in my situation.

 

thanks all, this forum is wonderful

[cant find my smile]

I don't think it is smart to go NC yet, but instead go limited contact. Wait for him to contact you and let him do all the inviting. That way he'll get the hint that you aren't always available to him when he wants you and may make more of an effort to be with you.

 

Don't ask him about your relationship and where you guys stand at first...just see how the break goes and if he never brings it up before you go back to school bring it up with him then. Give him space and time, show him you are patient enough to let him sort through his feelings, but also show him that you are a busy person with a life of your own.

[xxfitchick]

that is what i have been doing. I haven't been initiating anything with him and i have occasionally ignored IM's and "iced" him for 5 or 6 hours before giving him a phone call back. I literally don't talk to him unless I have nothing better to do.

 

I still am concerned about being used. I don't know how to distinguish between signs that he "wants to get back together" and simply being used because he can. how can you tell the genuine from the fake?

[xxfitchick]

hehe im going to bump this because i desperately need insight from everyone... please read my situation and offer up some insight, i have four days until i go home and i need to devise a plan of action

[Kitty Cat]

Hi,

 

I think I'm going through the same situation as you. Tried to go NC with ex but he would contact me. I would be very short with my responses. He even asked a friend of mine about me not wanting to be in contact with him, my friend told him to give me space as I'm trying to respect his decision by giving him the space he had asked for.

But of course he still contacts me sometimes... so just doing LC right now....I don't know what to do either - can't cut him off completely right now..... let me know if you want to chat.