The longer NC goes on, the harder it gets...

[love4life]

This is completely contradictory to everything everyone says about NC, that it gets easier the more you do NC. Difference is, it seems a lot of people here do hear from their exes and they choose not to respond. That must be very empowering. But I don't even have that option. He's given me NOTHING and it hurts terribly.

 

Quite frankly, I'm finding that things are getting harder. For the first 6 weeks or so of NC I was on top of the world. I felt much more in control of my life, much more positive - things really seemed great. And I thought to myself, "It's only a matter of time before he contacts me. I KNOW he misses me." Ha! What a fool I was.

 

Lately, as I'm about to hit 3 months, I've lost faith that he does miss me and it just makes me miss him more and more. I want him to contact me. I hate that he doesn't care. I feel so used and I feel like an idiot for letting that happen. I don't need him to profess his undying love, I just need one little crumb from him, and I'll feel better. ANYthing is better than total silence.

 

I can go back through my posts and threads and see my outlook change from optimism to despair.

[cant find my smile]

It probably also doesn't help that when you went into no contact you probably said that it was for you to heal but of course a part of you wanted it to make him miss you and to want you back. It's totally natural, so to some extent you have to go through the break up all over again now, but this time you are breaking up with the hope of the relationship, not the actual relationship.

 

I think hope is such a painful feeling...you want to be an optimist and think that things may work out, but it just means a little piece of the pain is reserved for later if it doesn't.

 

You know that you are an amazing, attractive, vibrant woman. You know that you were happy before you even met this loser, and you now you will be happy again. It just takes time. I'm still in the hope phase but I know when it ends I will be even more of a mess than I am now.

[deleted-account]

L4L, you've been one of the strongest people here. Silence from him is better than him contacting you and wanting nothing. He would only be contacting you for his own benefit and you would feel used again. Don't convince yourself otherwise.

[Massari]

It probably also doesn't help that when you went into no contact you probably said that it was for you to heal but of course a part of you wanted it to make him miss you and to want you back. .

 

 

EXACTLY.. NC should not be done if its for getting your ex back. You do NC you do it to heal and to move on and that should be your only goal. If you don't then you will miss your ex and it will seem to be getting tougher as you go.

 

Set your goal to heal and to forget about him (I KNOW ITS EASIER SAID THEN BEING DONE). but you have to try.. its the only way you will feel your best afterwards

[terk2021]

First off, I am sorry for what you are going through. I am sure if you have searched through the endless posts on this site, you will find that many of us, are either feeling the same way, have been there, about to be there or are recovering from it.

 

You are human, and the emotions your are facing are perfectly normal. It's so easy for anyone to give us advice on what we are going through, but in reality, in our own minds, we feel like we are the only one going through it. It took me a long time to accept that. Hopefully, you have seen that there are many wonderful people on this board to offer advice, encouragement, or just to be a site to express your thoughts, your pain, and your hopes and dreams.

 

I could talk about NC, your better off.., he does not deserve you..., and many other things to try and make you feel better. But, I won't. What I will ask you to do is to remember who you were before this person came into your life.

 

Ask if the person that you seek to come back into your life is the person you fell in love with. In reality,the heart is 10 times stronger then the mind, at least for most of us. When we find what "we" feel is "our" true love, we feel that nothing in life can replace that. I am not the most religious person in the world, but (I won't share my story here) the one thing that truly stuck with me most from advice and guidance is that "I know what I want".

 

Is the person in front of you that you so much want back in your life prepared to give you that? That is the question you need to ask yourself. Trust me, if I had magic words, a magic pill, or something that could take your pain away, I would do it in a heartbeat. My heartfelt story ended in July of 2006. Believe me, if she was the person I fell in love with, got on 1 knee and proposed too, she would now be my wife. Instead, my journey continues, and I have trust and faith that someday, I will be with my best friend and partner for life.

 

What helped me? Writing, journal, what I want, was it her, or was it what I wanted her to be. Love is the most powerful emotion. When we have it, we are on top of the world. When we feel like we lost it, it's the worst, loneliest place to be.

 

There are so many pills, therapists, rules, advice, words, that tell us our feelings can go away. Time can be our enemy, and time can be our friend.

 

I wish you the best. I certainly feel your pain, because I was there, and part of me is still am. Trust that you will get through this, because you will. Deep down, you know what you want, and it may or may not be the person you are writing about. You have to ask yourself if the person you fell in love with is the same person you want back.

 

Terk

[glimmerofhope]

Though silence is arguably the best thing, I understand the desire for that other person to give you some small sign that you ever mattered to them. I struggle with the same thing every moment of my life these days, L4L. It's hard to believe that there are people out there who have this ability to scour the memories clean, to comport themselves for the rest of their days as if the bond never existed.

 

That said, I believe there will come a day when we acknowledge that this capacity they have to partition their emotions represents a highly dysfunctional characteristic to have in a potential significant other; and in turn that we are very lucky to have gotten out of the relationship when we did.

 

Geez, writing it out like this, it almost seems like this type of person is borderline sociopathic, huh?

[LilBear]

In terms of people going NC to get their ex back, it also depends on the ex and how they respond to your goin NC. Most likely, they will go into NC as well, following your lead. And often, those of us who are in NC feel 'excited' when the ex does contact during the period of NC.

 

Words to the wise when the ex does contact during NC, whether you intend to respond or not:

 

- beware of the ex's traps...the ex could be playing games with you, don't fall into their traps!

 

- read into the INTENTION of their calls/texts/emails, not the MEANING.

 

- be cool, brief and emotionally detached in responding, if it is important to respond at all.

 

- if you intend to use NC as a game to get your ex back, make sure you are emotionally strong enough to handle any situation that may crop up/backfire.

 

- another thought is while playing the "NC game", you need to hold your cards close to yourself, don't let them scatter everywhere - be in control of your thoughts and emotions...keep your ex guessing.

 

- most importantly, you have no control over your ex, you can only control yourself.

[emalkoc]

L4L, you need to go out and date as much as possible...The girls have easier time with dating than most men.

 

On the other hand, I understand that your mind is still with your ex...The problem is that your Ex's is NOT...I think we dumpees dont understand slight detail.

 

Put yourself in a position once you have dumped someone, and you will soon realize you are wasting your valuable time for someone does not think of you at all.

 

My ex last Friday said, thinking of me and big hugs...So what, she is sending love messages to her bfriend...

 

I and you are more valuable than that.

 

btw..NC letter is very powerful IMO. No matter people here think of the NC or ultimatum letter, it gives tremendous power to dumpee....

 

To give you some relief, I dated a very beautiful and nice girl from south. She is so attractive that wherever we go, the eyes turn to us.

 

But, I took her to a bar today and my memories came back with my ex, it was awful...I missed her so much...I think once we love someone it wont go away for a long-time...I think what relieves the pain is that being confident and believing yourself that you will LOVE again someone.!!!

 

You will..You are a pretty girl

 

Eric

[bridgid8]

Difference is, it seems a lot of people here do hear from their exes and they choose not to respond. That must be very empowering. But I don't even have that option. He's given me NOTHING and it hurts terribly.

...

Lately, as I'm about to hit 3 months, I've lost faith that he does miss me and it just makes me miss him more and more. I want him to contact me. I hate that he doesn't care. I feel so used and I feel like an idiot for letting that happen. I don't need him to profess his undying love, I just need one little crumb from him, and I'll feel better. ANYthing is better than total silence.

 

I can go back through my posts and threads and see my outlook change from optimism to despair.

 

I had my ex ask me if we could talk again, and I asked why, he just wants to check in and "see how I am doing". I can't say I feel better- AT ALL. I know how it feels to want them to miss us, this is only natural. The contact has left me grasping at strings of hope that don't exist while being angry for him not giving me space at the same time. I think at this point, I would prefer the silence.

 

All I can say is that if you hear from him and it is not what you want to hear, it might be a setback anyway.

 

These are bumpy roads we travel. You just hit a pot hole. Things will get better, we all slip and have set backs and doubts.

 

Take care.

[Zeter]

I just need one little crumb from him, and I'll feel better. Anything is better than total silence.

Love4Life,

 

A crumb can be worst of all.

 

I suspect the problem might be relying on NC alone - without simultaneously following the advice to DO OTHER STUFF, think other thoughts, be something other than "you and him" ("he and you"?). In other words, NC is merely a tool to reestablish your own peace of mind, and not a goal in itself, and you must fill your brain with something else.

 

NC is working well for me just now, even though the thought of my ex sends twangs of pain through me. But I think of her less and less each day. I wish I could share the magic solution with you so you could have some relief from this.

 

Zeter

 

P.S. Next weekend is a Christmas party my ex and her new b/f put together and invited my circle of friends. Ouch! So I'm going downhill skiing. That will cause me to not think about her; I am sure of it.

[need2bme]

It is nice to see people that go through the same stuff.

 

As Glimmer stated, it does kill the heart to think that we can be "scoured" away as if nothing ever happened. As if we never existed. I call it "erasing". I don't know how some do it. I think that maybe they cared but that they have a strong support group. Who knows?

 

I wonder though, L4L, knowing that these ex's told us how much we meant and how they couldn't wait to get married and pushed US and we finally decided that yes, maybe this is the one, only to have them then throw everything away; could it really be salvaged?

 

I would always be scared in the back of my mind that she would run again. She killed the innocence, as did he. We cannot get that back and the innocence is a beautiful part of a relationship.

 

I just don't know if they actually do care anymore. Well, they do, but only about themselves at this time.

 

I know that some people come to the realization that they are not in-love, but if that is the case, then the love thoughts should be kept to themselves.

 

Anyway, of he called and showed he cared, what exactly would happen? Would you try and get him back?

[Nixee]

Love, you just expressed my sentiments EXACTLY regarding this whole NC thing. I know it is for the best ultimately, but it really really stings to feel like he doesn't care to even try anymore!

 

And it isn't about getting back together or any of that... it is about feeling like you matter... like they still think of you and smile sometimes. In fact, I'd LOVE to open my email one day and see one from my ex saying "HI... just thought of you and smiled... wanted to say hello, hope you are well."

 

But nope...

 

And I know my ex is planning his wedding too. He may care deep down.. but never enough to make the smallest of efforts. Not even a happy birthday.

 

You are absolutely right... that IS the worst thing about NC

 

 

.... And this isn't a very encouraging post, is it? haha But I wanted to let you know I get it.

You are definitely a strong woman though. You will turn around again.. and you will feel empowered again. You don't need him to tell you how great you are, or how much you meant to him. You should just know it.

[blindreepr]

You know I worry about this as well. I have only been in NC 22 days about and she has only made a tiny attempt at contact once, and nothing again since then. We have been broken up for a month now and she is already infatuated with the guy that she cheated on me with, thinking about being in a relationship with him. All because of some tarot cards a few months ago. I don't think she will ever attempt to contact me again. I don't know why but I really don't. I guess it makes my NC that much easier but it hurts at the same time. I was the best boyfriend that I could have been. I have never taken somebody on so many trips, to Disneyland, Monterey on multiple occasions, Santa Cruz, San Francisco and Berkeley on multiple occasions, concerts, live theater, the orchestra, movies almost every week, and I paid for nearly EVERYTHING. No wonder I was a broke student. We even took a class together at Junior College. All this in just one short year. I helped her get two jobs, including the one that she is working right now, I did so much for that girl and yet I got nothing in return. Point is, I wasn't a boring boyfriend, I think she told me that she did more activities in the year that she was with me, than she had ever done in her entire life.

 

Do I think she will contact me? No. Does that hurt? Yes. But that's why I am doing NC. I think the reason we want to hear something, anything from our ex's is that it serves as validation. That there is a part of them that still loves us, cares for us, anything. That they haven't forgotten about us completely. That we were a part of their life that they can look back on positively. I personally know that I exposed and took my ex to do too many fun things for her to ever forget me. But like I said. Do I think she will break NC?

 

Nope.

[mintblossom]

It does get harder. I don't know why. But I also have nothing to say to him. If I did, it would be to yell at him for hurting me and leading me into this mess. I don't have anything nice to say to him.

[hopeless66]

I believe it only gets harder when you allow it to... I have been NC with my ex for a few months now... I wanted to hear from her. I wanted to know that the last 5 years meant something... Once I realized that no matter what she had to say, nothing would change the situation, thats when I finally got *SOME kind of closure... Of course I am not over the girl. I was planning on marrying her in another 4 months. There are many questions I would love the answer to. I'll never get them... I don't think she knows the answers to them...

 

Mine contacted me I think about twice..Once right after she left...Once about 3 weeks ago to let me know that she was moving back...Both calls were pointless and didn't change a thing...

 

You just have to get yourself to a place where, in your mind, it doesn't matter whether they contact you or not... Not easy... As long as you are wondering if they still think of you, or still care about you, or still miss you, you are allowing them to keep a hold onto your life... You are letting them dictate the actions you are going to choose... Let them go, thats what they wanted, so do it... In MOST cases, they are the ones losing... Maybe they will realize it, maybe not... WHO CARES!!!! Enjoy yourself, enjoy your friends, enjoy your family... Nothing in life is set in stone... Don't let one person make you lose out on the next opportunity to be happy...

 

Great line from the song "Walk Away" from Ben Harper...

"So many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one..."

[S agapo]

I totally understand Love4life. Mine has been 7-8 months, thought I was doing ok , and trying hard to block things out, but nope! I have failed several times, and i constantly think why, why did he do this, why hasn't he called. Doesn't he miss me? Not one bit? Doesn't he ever think what we had? what was said and felt etc etc.. I feel I am a idiot for thinking this! Why hasn't he got in contact all this time, especially after i did!

I gave a real part of Me to him, and he dam well knew he was my first love, and he didn't hold on to me and made things stronger..

So yeah, I too feel used too and emotionally. I almost hate having my memories stuck in my head of us.

So I ask myself this too...Doesn't he care?!

 

We just need more time. Its so hard when u go over and over everything. Ive even started to think he has someone else. I dunno for sure, but the thought of it hurts my body.

 

Take care.

[S agapo]

It does get harder. I don't know why. .

 

B'cos deep within we realize they ain't coming back, and we go thru the emotions of what we had that we miss about them and us together that we shared. In a way we convince ourselves that they will call, and as the days, weeks, and months go by without that phone ringing, we hurt even more and ask ourselves, didn't they love us?!, even that much to give us call us; to want us back, to want to give another chance b'cos they learnt and realize and missed what they had with us was better and real then anything else.

 

I think we should stop those dreams. Its hurts us the most, we become obessed about them.

[benga]

Hey there.. I think its in the air Don't give up hope. Strange things happen in life. The way you are feeling is a phase and this too shall pass. Trust me.

 

Healing is a strange thing. It has no time tables or schedules (as much as we'd like), but it does happen. You will never be completely healed, because the past and the relationship did happen and you will never be able to deny that. But you will learn how to live with that void till the time it stops feeling like a void. You get used to it.

 

Its that time of year and I think its impacting all of us. The lack of sunshine isn't helping either....

 

Take care and have faith that you will be ok.

 

Cheers

Benga

[BigTex]

L4L,

 

I'll be at 3 months of NC tomorrow and I know exactly how you feel. I've been an emotional mess lately. I've even been really tempted to break NC several times. I realized yesterday that I'd stopped setting short-term goals to improve myself. Once I started visualizing a better future, my outlook improved. It was very empowering.

[love4life]

Thank you to all of you who have posted! I wish I could respond to each of your posts, because you've all hit a chord in me with what you've said.

 

I've been staying as busy as possible, moving on with my life. Just started rehearsing a new show last week in the evenings so I hope once I get into the swing of that I'll start feeling better. I also had a night-in Saturday with 3 of my (also single) girlfriends and they are an inspiration and great support to me. I don't know what I'd do without them.

 

I am dating and actually had a first date with a super nice guy yesterday. He's different from my ex - seems simpler and more genuine. While I enjoyed his company, I didn't feel that spark and intrigue that I felt with my ex. We'll see how that evolves, I guess. We both expressed interest in getting together again.

 

I think I have a tendency to pick men who are bad for me and, I've learned, that comes from seeing the co-dependent relationship my father and mother had. 3 years after my dad's death I'm realizing how similar he and my ex are - the manipulative and controlling behavior all stemming from their own fears and feelings of inadequacy.

 

I know a few of you asked if I want to get back together with him and I honestly don't know. He'd have to show true remorse/guilt for having hurt me. And even if he showed that, I'd still question it as possibly being a selfish remorse.

 

More than anything I just want to know that I'm on his mind. I finally got that from my first ex about 4 years after we broke up and, with that, I finally 100% let go of him (6 months after that, I met this ex). More than anything, I'm scared I won't get that "signal" for a looong time from this ex.

[buckdawg]

More than anything I just want to know that I'm on his mind. I finally got that from my first ex about 4 years after we broke up and, with that, I finally 100% let go of him (6 months after that, I met this ex). More than anything, I'm scared I won't get that "signal" for a looong time from this ex.

 

why do you feel like you need this to move on?

[surfjon]

Consider the option that he doen't want the relationship back, I mean not everybreakup can be salvaged. As hard as it is to accept, he may have moved on fully, you may do better to assume it's truly over and you can try to move on. My hope is gone, she has released me and I must let her lovingly go.

 

There will be someone else for me one day

and for you too!!!

[love4life]

why do you feel like you need this to move on?

 

I don't know. Maybe because I held him in such high esteem, I feel I need his validation.

 

I guess you could compare it to someone whose parents are abusive to them. If they feel unloved by their parents, they feel that they're worthless and no one will love them. I actually did feel like that in my father's eyes.

 

And I don't know if I need it. It could have just been coincidence that I met this ex shortly after that contact from the other ex. I dated in between, including a 2-year relationship, but I never really clicked with anyone like I did with those two exes.

[delerium6]

I broke NC this morning by mailing something. What's done is done.

 

The reason: After stepping back for a couple weeks, I had an epiphany of why things likely drifted off in our relationship.

 

See my Post #16 in this thread.

 

 

My friend pointed this out and I also got some confirmation by that column. You see, her and I never argued over those 6 years together. No bickering. Never. Sounds great, right? Well, not really. I suddenly realized that this is more detrimental to a relationship than good. Relationships need a little conflict... both partners can't bottle things up, smile it off and stew when something bothers them, just to avoid an unpleasant row. In other words, her and I were too much alike in that regards - a bit shy and hesitant - and drifted dangerously into friendzone.

 

I mailed her that article and circled where I think caused the chasm and also wrote that we just need to open up to each other more. Both of us were prone to bottle things up. If something gets one of us PO'ed... we need to say it! Doesn't mean we have to turn into jerks, but sugarcoating and stewing is not healthy, and I only realize this now.

 

I'm not sure if her "in love" is gone for good and if it's too late to salvage. I told her we DO need space apart for a while and that's a good idea. But I also said that after a 6 year relationship, it's not too late to talk, look at ourselves in the mirror and work on what we had. The letter was not some weepy, heartbreaker thing that makes me look needy and desperate. It was strong-willed and logical. If it fails and pushes her even further away, as I'm sure some will warn me about, I'm still not sure I'll regret that I sent it. We were together for too long not to have a little "talk" about things.

 

Have I identified what may have caused our relationship to drift off? Yes, perhaps.

Is this something that with a little work, things can get back on track? Yes, perhaps.

 

That is why I broke NC. I understand all the rationale behind NC. But sometimes, communication might be a good idea. If I fail, I fail. But I'll be more proud of myself for taking a mature route and asking her if we can work on some things (after we take a little break and space). I'll stick to my guns in not showing her a needy headcase where I'm constantly begging her back, but after 6 years I don't want to go down without at least trying to open the possibility of discussion and self-therapy. In this disposable society, people seem too willing to just cast off without taking the hard energy to work on a relationship glitch.

[beebee]

this thread has struck such deep feelings that i have... i woke up this morning and i realized that im hopeless... im not only hopeless, but profoundly sick in my head and it scares the hell out of me...

 

yes, i too have waited for some acknowledgment of my existence... suffice it to say, i received none... its been way too long a time anyway and thats why i feel so hopeless... i thought of posting a thread on the "suicide" site before i started reading this... its as if im doomed to unhappiness because of this man...

 

just bear with me if anyone takes the time to read this... im going through a bad time (in my mind)... im trying to cut back on my anti depressants because i want to go this alone and ive noticed that in the 2 weeks that ive cut back the dosage (with my doctors instructions), the obsession and old feelings have returned... i have no hope... no hope of anything...

 

i was doing so well!... i would come on ENA and give my opinions and feel so much better... i mean, once you feel as if you are healing, you NEVER want to know that someone is going through what you went through... if there is one small bit of advice you can offer someone, you will do that to hopefully help them... im rambling and im off of the subject... im sorry...

 

i had hoped that after all i went through to get to him, all that i gave up, all i did at his insistence time and time again, he would have called to ask how i was... no... he never did... did i exist?... did we exist?... was it all a bad dream?... what drama!... would have made an excellent movie... but in the end, he has turned his relationship with me into someone else, seamlessly, without a beat... so why would he miss me?... why would he even give a damn about me?... he doesnt... thats what hurts the most...

 

i know that what all of you who say "it would only make matters worse if you heard from him" mean... that i would possibly think he wanted me back and i would get the wrong impression... but that is truly not what i would have picked up on if he contacted me... it WOULD give me validation... it would ease my inner pain to know that he was, even a little concerned... that he had not forgotten me and my love for him... screw the fact that i realize now he never really loved me... yes, i realize that... the man doesnt know what love is... but of course, he does now... my luck...

 

ill get over this and i will somehow survive... survive for what i dont know yet...

 

im so confused and so sick of these obsessive thoughts...

 

what a drama queen i am!... lol...

 

hugs... beebee