Please give me your thoughts on this!!

[Ymeee]

Hi Everyone. I signed up to this site because I really need some neutral advice.... I hope you guys can help me!!!! This is very important to me!!!

 

To make this is as short as possible - 24 years ago the court took me and my brothers and sister from my mom. We were sent to live with my abusive dad and step-mother several states away. We all spent many years expecting her to show up to see us or take us home. We never knew where she was and never got a letter or phone call from her. We didn't know if she was dead or alive. We thought something really bad must have happened to her to keep her from ever contacting us.

 

The year before last, I found my mom. She had been married and divorced and was living with a new boyfriend where'd she'd been for several years. She tried to tell me she never got in touch with any of us because she thought we were being well cared for. This is crazy because she knew first hand how violent and abusive my dad was. She also tried to say she didn't know how to find us, but this was also lame because we were in the same town my dad had lived in for many years and his parents still live in the same place as well. One phone call would have located us.

 

I've tried to build a brand new relationship with my mom. I still have some sadness about living so many years of my life thinking something was keeping her away from her kids and now knowing she just didn't care enough to ever bother to even check on us. I tried to make excuses for her and see things from her point of view, but I can't do it anymore. If the court took seven kids from me, there is nothing on the planet that could keep me from finding them and working to get them back with me. I have to face the reality that she just didn't want to. Even knowing we were with a man that was violent, she turned her back on us and left us to fend for ourselves far from any family we knew or loved or trusted. I have worked very hard to bury these feelings and just build a relationship with her as adults and try to start fresh. The problem is, she's cruel and hateful to me. I don't know if it's her own displaced guilt or what, but I don't know if I want to deal with it anymore. I need your advice on this!! She's waiting to hear from me!!

 

I sent her a box of birthday gifts a few weeks ago. I sent a prepaid cell phone and a phone card to pay for a couple months of service so that we could talk whenever we wanted instead of relying so heavily on email. I've been busy lately and haven't had as much time to write to her daily and she's been upset about that. I also sent her a box set of movies that I thought she'd enjoy and I sent some software for her computer that she'd been saying she needed. I also sent her a birthday card. She sent the entire package back to me along with a note saying not to send her anything for Christmas! When I wrote to her and told her she'd really hurt my feelings by returning the gifts to me, she basically attacked me. She criticized each and every item I had sent her right down to the card. She adamantly said she did not want a cell phone and being able to talk to me on the phone freely would "change the playing field." She said that the card - which was humorous - was NOT funny and that it was out of character for me because I'm angry, resentful and sarcastic and she's never seen a funny side to me. She also said that I had given her things I wanted her to have instead of things she wanted. She said that if someone didn't know her well enough to know what she'd like - they shouldn't send her anything.

 

Every single time I try to do something nice for this woman - even offering a bit of advice to her about anything - she turns it around and says that I'm doing something awful to her. She told me her potassium was low once and I told her she should eat a banana. She accused me of trying to KILL HER because a banana could interfere with her other medications! I'm at my wits end and I don't know if it's even worth putting myself through this anymore. This woman caused me many years of pain and heartache and now she clearly wants to be the victim no matter what the situation is. Even something as nice as remembering her on her birthday and sending her a few gifts has been turned around to look like I was doing something bad to her.

 

Have any of you ever had gifts or a card returned to you by a loved one? I've never even heard of this happening to anyone before in my life. I'm terribly hurt and it's really put a damper on my Christmas. I have already been told not to send my mother a gift and I would worry that even a card would be returned. I don't even think I could open a package if she sent it to me for Christmas, either, after she returned mine.

 

Can you guys help me? What do you think of this? What would you do? I haven't written her in a few days and I know she's waiting to hear from me. I just don't know how to handle this or if I even should. I would be extremely grateful for your thoughts...

 

 

Sad, sad, sad..

[Miss Firecracker]

This is why the court took you away from her. She was unfit to be a mother, and she still is. I'd cut her off without hesitation.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, I second what Miss Firecracker said. Although she is biologically your mother, she really is a stranger to you. She basically is the child and you are the adult. She will never grow up and be the "mother" you want because she is emotionally messed up. Walk away from this and don't cave in to her guilt trip of wanting to hear from you...that's just more garbage from a drama queen. I am really sorry you are dealing with this. Just remember that you lived without her and survived okay despite the difficult childhood....you will be more than okay now.

[Ymeee]

I was thinking it - but it seemed so harsh. Thank you guys for making it seem so clear and simple. My family is dysfunctional and disassociated with each other and I don't get to see any of them. I've been without any family for a long time and was willing to put up with a whole lot just to have a mom in my life. I guess I needed to hear from someone else that it was okay to put an end to this. Thank you.

[Mysterygirl]

Everyone wants to be accepted by their Mother. I am so sorry you got the * * * * end of the stick when it comes to mothers.

 

In my honest opinion, it sounds like your mother is either scared to love you or just doesn't know how. Perhaps her parents weren't very loving to her.

None the less it really is no excuse..

 

You need to stay away from her, for your own sanity. Be thankful that you got the closure that you needed. You now know what happened to her many years ago ...

If you must stay in her life, then do it from a very far distance. If you have children, i would not let them anywhere near this lady.

[Ymeee]

Thanks for your input, Mysterygirl. I've been thinking that probably my mother never thought she'd ever see or hear from any of her kids again and wasn't worried about what she would say to us or how she would explain never so much as sending a single letter or card to us in all those years. When I contacted her, she suddenly had to answer for herself and she couldn't do it. She instantly acted like no matter what amount of abuse we had taken at my dad's hand - she'd had it worse. The truth is, she was out dating and getting married and living in a nice house with a man who owned a business and she probably could have gotten custody of us all back if she had wanted to. She was living a white picket fence life while we were being beaten, molested and sent to foster homes. She also acted like we were somehow responsible for us being taken out of her custody in the first place. We were just little kids, though, I think it was horrible for her to even suggest such a thing. I was the oldest - fourteen. The youngest was a year old.

 

She's said to me over and over again that I'm resentful and angry, but in reality, I'm well adjusted and happy. I think she can't imagine that I'm not furious with her and she can't imagine why I'd do anything nice for her. Maybe when I send her a gift it makes her guilt overwhelming? Maybe that's why she has to make it sound like I was punishing her. Maybe she WANTS it to be some kind of punishment because for her, it's like waiting for the other shoe to drop. She wants me to punish her and get it over with... I just want to forget the horrible things in my past and move forward without the baggage. I hate that she didn't do the right thing for her kids, but it's very much done and over with. I know you can't go back...

 

I've felt a little "mental" over this situation for awhile now and I haven't really had anyone to talk it over with. I've questioned if it was sane for me to even maintain a relationship with this woman when she's said such hateful things to me over and over again. I've been trying to figure out why I'd put myself through it when she's already damaged my family and my life so much. Now she quotes Dr. Phil to me as if she's so knowledgeable on family values and having good, healthy relationships... The whole thing that she said to me about me giving her something I wanted her to have instead of something she wants apparently came from Dr. Phil. I wonder if he also says it's fine to return gifts and cards and personally attack the character of the person who sent them?

 

I appreciate the kind people who took the time to offer me some words of wisdom and help me sort this out. It helps so much... I can't have a conversation with my mom because if I mention anything she doesn't want to talk about, she says that I've overly upset her, driven her blood pressure through the roof, and made her cry. She even changed her email address one time after sending me a really nasty email so that I couldn't respond. She basically wrote me off in that email and abandoned me all over again. I didn't hear from her for a really long time and then the whole issue was swept under the carpet...This effectively prevents me from trying to work through any of those issues with her. :sad:

[asperity]

i think you're making a good decision to cut the ties you have established. they sound unhealty for you. You can rest assured that you put forth the effort, it didnt work out, and you can move on with your life. its a sad situation, but if i were you, i would be proud of myself for the effort, and for being the responsible adult in the end, after all you've been through. I was raised in an abusive home, and when you choose to rise above it and be a stronger better person who understands they are worth more, you need to be proud of that.