Why can't i get over him???

[Snow_bunny]

Ok basically me and my ex dated for roughly 5 years on and off the whole time. We have a six month old son together as well. Throughout our whole relationship though there were always problems...fights and arguments about everything especially him not wanting to spend time with me and just wanting to go out with his friends. He left me for another person when i was 6 months pregnant and then came back four weeks before my expected due date (which ended up being 2 weeks before the birth because my son came early). Stupidly i took him back. Anyways we stayed together for five months....got engaged in that time as well and then a week later he just called it off. I feel like every time he does something he just backs out. Ok so there is a little bit of background info...but you can also read my previous posts for extra info if you feel like it. But my main problem is why can't i get over him?? I mean i went out on dates with other people and the whole time i just think about him. I even called him on one date and talked to him for 20 minutes on the phone on the guise that it was my best friend in a crisis. I then preceded to get picked up and later had to admit it was my ex. Now there was nothing wrong with this guy...he was nice, good personality, not bad looking. He just wasn't my ex. Why did i set myself up for not letting anything happen with New Guy??? Ok it's not like my ex was anything great...he was a complete jerk. Treated me like crap alot of the time yet i still can't get over him. Every time he rings me up i jump, which to be honest isn't often usually just on Thursday so he can pretend to want to work it out and then not. I'm sorry i'm rambling but i have so much stuff coming into my head that i am trying to write it down. Ok another thing i have been doing is ringing him constantly just so i can talk to him...i know he doesn't want to talk to so i just try and drag it out which usually ends with me crying or ringing him again and again until he does. This is not what i'm usually like either i know what i am doing is wrong (constant ringing) but i can't help it. I don't know why i am doing this though because he is the only person i have ever done the whole constant ringing thing. he is also the only person i have ever loved and the longest relationship i have ever been in though. I just feel like i want to talk to him and it doesn't help when every couple of days he plays on my feelings by saying he wants to work it out. The thing is i know i don't really want to make it work...i just like the idea of us being together as a family and also he is familiar. I think maybe i am scared of starting a relationship with someone new and getting hurt again. Ok another thing that pisses me off is that he says he wants to make it work with me but he is sleeping with someone else from his work who is 14 years older than him (she's 36 he is 22). So why does he do this say he wants to make it work and then not??? is it just so he can see if he still have me?? He sends me messages in the middle of the night saying he still loves me...why if he doesn't want to be with me???? Ok i hope someone can find some sense in there to give me some good advice. sorry it is so long.

[romantic sweetheart]

Thank you for sharing all of your thoughts and feelings--I am glad you have explained the many emotions you are going through, and I understand every single one of them.

 

You have been on an emotional see saw with your ex, which has left you feeling vulnerable and scared, both honest reactions to what you have experienced. I know logically you can recognise the serious character flaws with your ex--but emotionally, it is difficult to let go. And that is why you continue calling him, hoping to come to some sort of understanding or closure with him.

 

As painful as it is, the only way to begin fully healing is to cut contact with him until you are back on your feet and not feeling so raw emotionally. Easier said then done, but you will be kept in emotional limbo unless you take steps to remove yourself for awhile, heal, and reflect. His calling you in the middle of the night to say I love you is not appropriate if he has no intention to follow through with what he says, and especially since he is involved with other people. That is completely unfair to you, and he is incapable of understanding the damage he is inflicting upon you by doing this.

 

And so you must be the strong one and stop answering his calls. Again, I know this is not as easy as it sounds. It takes all the strength our souls can muster, but it is the only way that we can find ourselves again, and take the time to give ourselves the gentle love and concern that our ex's did not provide.

 

It is especially hard for you because you have a child together, so I know you feel conflicting desires: to heal, but to still have a sense of family. But right now, the most important thing you can do for you and your baby is to take care of YOU, to surround yourself with loving and supportive people who show CONSISTENT care and concern for you and your feelings. Your ex is not anywhere near mature enough to do this for you. He can tell you he loves you, but his actions show just the opposite. And this is creating havoc in your heart and mind.

 

It's time now to be gentle on yourself, step back, calm your soul, and realise that you have done what you could to reconcile and be the loving person you wanted to be with a man. You have not been met half way, which has left you stinging with the pain of rejection and loss. It's not the kind of treatment any of us deserve. Love does not mean "sometimes" or "when I feel like it" or "when my next fling doesn't work out"......No, love means always, everyday, everywhere, bringing ourselves and others to our highest good, accepting challenges, and treating one another with utmost respect and honour.

 

Your ex has not honoured the soul that you are.

 

He has made his choices--he has decided what he wants to do, regardless of how it affects others. Bless him on his way, but know that he will be on a fruitless search for love unless he grows as a person and accepts responsibilty for his actions.

 

You have the benefit of taking this time to heal yourself and nurture the soul within, so that you will take with you lessons of pain and growth...and become wiser and more compassionate in the process.

 

Do not worry about rushing the process or fearing the days when it seems like you can't stop hurting--all of this is natural, and just the time clock of the heart. Keep writing and sharing, and seeking encouragement from all of us here, and from those who love you as the unique soul that you are.

 

Remember this: we came into this life to love and be loved. Love is our birthright, and it starts by embracing the person we are, and knowing we deserve the kindness and tenderness of which we dream.