What do you think?

[kirsty-love]

I have been friends with this girl for the past 4 months and we became friends through a friend of mine. She is my age 18 and currently single. I am 18 and have been with my boyfriend for the past 6 weeks. The reason i am posting on here is because i think she has feelings for me. I am not too sure so i hope by posting on here you could share your ideas with me.

It started off fine when we met, shes a nice person, funny and caring. The past 2 or 3 weeks i have begun to think she is maybe "too friendly". She says things that i think are signs of flirting for example telling me that i look "beautiful" in my photos. When i first told her about my boyfriend she told me that she "doesnt care about him". She sends me texts 24/7 even ones that say "ok" etc pointless ones. Now she has started telling me that i am "in love with her" she says i am a "lesbian" and that " there is no point hiding it". She seems obsessed with wanting me to be a lesbian and when me and my boyfriend had a disagreement the other week she told me that she was always there for me and that i should "forget about him". She has now also started making up stories telling me that she has an infection and she has to go to the hospital all the time for tests to make me "worried" about her.

Please can you tell me what you think, is she a lesbian and does she like me?

x

[Jeffrey2095]

Hi kirsty-love, and welcome to ENA,

 

Yes, your friend is most obsessive... defining you for yourself and all.

 

She does sound like she is a lesbian...

 

Lonesome and clingy too, just personality-wise.

 

So, perhaps you could define yourself to her clearly and hopefully she will drop the issue.

 

Good luck and best wishes.

 

Jeff

[kirsty-love]

Hi thankyou for the reply.

I dont know what mare i can do to make it more clear.

When she calles me a "lesbian" i tell her that im only interested in guys but she doesnt seem to want to listen.

 

She keeps telling me she is a lesbian and then that shes bi and then shes straight i cant keep up with her. I really am stuck. I still want to be friends but nothing more. I have shared this with my mum who told me to stop talking to her incase she tries to "turn me ".

Please can i have some more help?

xx Thanks Kirsty xx

[lukeb]

What do I think?

 

There are lots of possibilities of what is going on. Maybe you like the attention and the drama around this friendship and you're simply wanting to continue on this path. I'm not sure but I think that is the most likely senario. People generally are in the types of relationships they desire, either consciously or sub-consciously. So its a good question to ask yourself if this may be true.

 

If it isn't true and you genuinely do not like that type of attention, there is only one thing to do. Make it clear that you do not swing this way. If that doesn't work, you would actually be doing her a favour by cutting her loose. Continuing on with this friendship actually would send her a confusing message.

[kirsty-love]

What do I think?

 

There are lots of possibilities of what is going on. Maybe you like the attention and the drama around this friendship and you're simply wanting to continue on this path.

 

There is no way that i am enjoying this. If i was i wouldnt come on here to ask for help from people would i?

We are only friends , i have made this perfectly clear to her and she is the one choosing to take it the other way. Maybe she is trying to see whether i like her, i dont know!

I do not want to continue on this path, i want to go back to being just friends with her. Please dont turn this round and say that i am enjoying it because i am not. I just want to be friends again without all this !

xx kirsty xx

[wiser]

There is no way that i am enjoying this. If i was i wouldnt come on here to ask for help from people would i?

 

I think the reason the other poster said that is because you dont appear to be doing anything to stop it. Why not? Why do you need to ask on a forum what to do when the answer is simple.

 

Next time it happens, look her right in the eye, and say firmly, and with a bit of anger, "I'm not gay, I dont love you, and you are starting to annoy the heck out of me. If you want to remain friends with me then cut the crap, starting right now".

[aquatic]

Well, it's pretty hard to "stop" something you're not even sure of without coming accross like a presumptuous j@ckass. Maybe it's the difference in dynamics in men and women that's why the replies here (from men, although I do see their point) make it seems so easy, like it's a b/w thing? There are gray areas to deal with in interpreting her friend's actions, and a whole 'nother set of gray areas in interpreting her own reactions. We can be consumed worriers, lol.

 

Back to the OP, since you say you aren't interested in her in that way (and you make sure you are not, because being receptive to her flirtation would be confusing to her) but would like to keep her as a friend, and she's not doing anything aggressive aside from the flirty hints, why not just casually mention something like "I hope you drop this lesbian joking, it's a bit weird because I really like you as a friend." Something clear and firm, but not confrontational or directed at her person.

 

If she doesn't change, it shouldn't be hard to humor her flirting; it's harmless as long as you maintain control over your self. If you find it annoying, then I guess this is where it ends.

 

Hope this helps.

[wiser]

Well, it's pretty hard to "stop" something you're not even sure of without coming accross like a presumptuous j@ckass. There are gray areas to deal with in interpreting her friend's actions, and a whole 'nother set of gray areas in interpreting her own reactions. We can be consumed worriers, lol.

 

Gray areas? The OP seeming like a presumptuous j@ckass?

 

Aquatic, are we both reading the same OP? She said her friend "told her she is a lesbian" and "don't try to hide it" because "you love me".

 

That's about as black and white as it gets.

[lukeb]

I'm not so sure the flirting is necessarily that harmless, from where I stand I see the friend falling in love with kristy-love. It is unclear to me what it is that kristy-love is doing about that. It appears that the friend has crossed some clear lines in the friendship, telling here to leave the boyfriend. She is obviously not respecting the fact that kristy is in a relationship. She is starting to become obsessive, that doesn't seem harmless to me. Where are the gray areas I wonder?

[aquatic]

nairobin/lukeb, what struck me the most about the OP was that despite plethora of "signs", her end question was still an unsure 'is her friend a lesbian?' Surely if these signs are aggressive and decisive, she wouldn't even wonder. That is why I am speculating that, despite all that kristy-love's said on this thread, there's some doubt on her part if she's reading these "signs" correctly (and we are just reading what she's giving us).

 

Maybe the friend's a flirt and desperately clingy one, who happens to be lesbian. Maybe the words of this friend aren't as dramatic or intense as we imagine it, but are more off the cuff teasing comments. Heck, she even says sometimes finds the bi/straight. I know a woman who hounded a friend of mine, whom we kiddingly referred to as her lesbian stalker, but the "stalker" turns out to be straight. I guess weird pandering and obsessive attention are her ways of wooing. I know two other girls who flirt with each other people mistake them for a couple, and they kid about being gay for each other when together, but (again) are totally straight.

 

So, it's not always that easy to confront someone about things like this, plus to make sure it doesn't damage the friendship. Gay, straight bi-curious, outrageous flirting, etc., it's not always easy to see how b/w it is, if it is. In this case, I'm not saying the girl's not gay, I'm saying if there's something that makes kirsty-love hesitate, maybe there's more to it and try to approach it the least damaging way possible.