Longest post ever? How I see my breakup now

[Suesser Tod]

I wrote it last night, but I wasn't able to post it as I had another post on the main page. Happily I'm still standing in the same place as last night.

 

I'm having a revelation; I guess that it is because my mind is clear tonight.

 

I "dumped" my now ex-girlfriend, then I regretted and tried to get her back, she refused.

 

 

Now I realize something, that night...

 

 

That damn night. She came to my house after we had an argument. I can recall what the argument was about. I was on a work related travel, and I called her. That day she had gone to therapy but she kept hiding it from me. So we got into an argument about communication. That argument progressed into something more, she was invited to her cousin's wedding and she didn't want me to go.

 

I knew that something wasn't right, she had been refusing sex and now she didn't wanted me to go to her cousin’s wedding.

 

So I kept asking her what was wrong. She refused to acknowledge that something was wrong, she kept saying everything was right...

 

 

That night things ended up badly and we didn't talked until I was home. We agreed to meet up to talk about things and she came to my house. She came with a letter saying what I already knew, and that she wanted to work things out, but couldn't see us together in the future.

 

So I tried to talk her about the lack of compromise, as it just doesn't go with me. Now she "resents" that that night I told her that a relationship without any compromise was like a friends with benefits relationship, but that is how I felt.

 

 

Now I realize something. She didn't came to my house to try to work things out, she came to my house to get me to break up with her. And she was successful, she found a way around every approach I tried, and when I finally got her to accept to just try to make a commitment (just try to make one, not to make a commitment) she threw the bomb "I'm going to look for a job in a different country".

 

What? No matter what I did, she found the only thing I couldn't do. I haven't got my degree, so we could have relocated anywhere in the country for her to pursue her career, but not a different country.

 

 

And even then, when I asked her if she could arrange things so it could happen just a couple of years down the road, as that is what it will take me to get my degree, she said "Yes, I can, but I don't want to".

 

 

How could I have been so dumb and shortsighted? She leaded me straight into breaking up with her, gave me no option but to break up with her.

 

 

 

Obviously, then she asked me to be friends and that kind of stuff to relief the guilt.

 

 

But what kind of friends can we be if she even hides from me in messenger? She won't call me, she won't text me and she won't send me a message on messenger. How in earth can that be called "friendship"?

 

I tried to find out why we broke up, asked her to tell me what I had done wrong. And she did, she gave me a list of reasons. But now I'm not even sure if that was the truth. She has been lying all along, she said I hurt her, when in fact she made me break up with her, she tried to talk me into being friends when clearly she didn't meant to, and finally...

 

She agreed to start going out again and let things take their way. But she hasn't, she has been putting all her might into keeping us from getting back together.

 

 

Now, what throws me out of balance is that she wants me to be in her graduation. I think that it means that I'm still important to her, and all the effort she is putting into keeping us apart means that deep inside, she knows she can love me or still does.

 

 

She is just too coward and too self-centered to commit into a relationship, she wants to avoid getting hurt (more) and anything that might keep her from her professional goals. I know it’s not because of some other guy, I know it’s all about this damn idea she has that a successful woman is always alone, and that having someone else in her life might interfere with her career.

 

It’s weird, because that is exactly how she behaved when I first met her. I had a really hard time getting her into the relationship because of that. Now that she went to therapy she is back to her old self…

 

I’m not perfect. In fact, I know that I’ve got a bunch of problems I’ve got to work on, and I know that my problems were part of the reason she decided to break up with me. But now I realize that she wouldn’t have supported me through my own healing process, like if everything had been about her instead of “us”.

 

So that gets me to my final point, why would I want her back? She ran away from the problems, she didn’t tried to work out our problems, just kept hiding from them until I guess she couldn’t stand it anymore and decided to get me to break up with her.

No, she never told me how she felt, she never told me how things could have been improved, she decided not to put any effort into saving our relationship…

 

 

Even though I’m really angry at her for running away, I wish her the best and I hope She realizes that relationships are not perfect, that they require effort and compromise.

 

(Yet I keep wishing she realizes it and came back with me)

[stackawacka]

hi , when i first met my ex, she was in a relationship with someone she didnt want to be with. she didnt have the courtesy to finish with him. instead she chose to treat him so bad he would finish with her.

looking back now, i shouldnt have got involved.

she too is a driven career woman.

she also needed a security blanket before he finished with her.

im in the same boat as you my friend.

my ex sounds so familiar to yours.

[Suesser Tod]

Oh, I would love to e-mail her what I wrote here...

[Suesser Tod]

E-mailing this to her will cause nothing but resentment, so I don't think its a good idea. Currently with things as they are, it will only look to her as another way to try to win her back or another way to talk her back into the relationship.

Another outcome, that also involves resentment, is that she will think that I'm just trying to get back at her and hurt her.

 

So either way, it's a no go.

 

And also what I wrote is MY perception of the whole thing, hardly the truth and although I've tried to think about it with a cold mind, it may not be objective.

 

 

As for trying to win her back. I've come to realize that it won't be possible at the present time. She is putting all her energy into trying to avoid getting back, so anytime I try to come close to her, she will feel it as an attack and resent it. Also, it hurts me a lot. Currently I'm "fine", but everytime I see her I endure at least two days that are more painful than the actual breakup.

 

So, I think I may have to go with NC. Trying to win her back is having the opposite effect and it's being extremely painful to me.

Maybe in the future, when I feel better, I may try to give it a shot again, but that will be once I'm healed and once I can show her a real improvement on the work I'm doing to solve my own problems.

 

 

The graduation...

 

Well, it has two parts. The "academic" graduation, tomorrow, where she will receive her diploma. I'll be attending, and basically I'll only be there with her parents, see her receive her diploma and give her my best wishes. After that, I'm gone.

 

The graduation party is next Saturday. I won't be attending. I wanted to go to my gf's party, but I'm not going to go to a party for someone that is not my girlfriend nor my friend. It would be way too hard on me, I'm not going to put myself through that.

 

 

Tomorrow I'll be there, I'll put my best face and that's it. I wont' tell her about the party, as I don't want to ruin this special day to her. I'm going to let her know maybe tuesday or wednesday, depending on my schedule, so she has enough time to get to terms with it by Saturday. The least thing I need is give her somethign more to resent me about.

[Suesser Tod]

I see ...

 

You're a better person than most, Tod, to be so considerate of HER position and to be there for her at her commencement to celebrate her happy time w/ her -- I think this is as important as being there for someone during their times of need ...

 

I'm not entirely sure what you did that was so wrong to want to revisit this relationship at a later date (despite her thwarting your best efforts for a reconciliation) by showing her how much you've improved since you guys last dated.

 

But having read your posts here and there, I know that you are in the right mindset to make a decision best for your particular situation.

 

Take care of yourself and good luck.

 

 

Well, basically I have some sort of personality disorder that may have turned our relation into hell, but that is only my theory.

 

During our last talks, she said I had hurt her a lot several times. To be honest, I don't know. As far as I know we had some misunderstandings and only two fights during our relationship, one that was one week after we started dating, because she had trouble adjusting to the idea of having a boyfriend, and a second one three or four months ago, when she had an identity crisis.

 

But my brother, that is a good friend of hers, told me that "he saw our relationship as a stormy and unstable" as she cried a lot. Honestly, I don't know why, everytime I tried to talk to her, she refused. So there may have been a lot of things that hurted her, but she kept them to herself.

 

She also hurt me a lot, the difference is that I've let go all of that and I've forgiven her, whereas she is the kind of person that will resent you a long time for the smallest things.

 

I know that in the future a "everything is fine honey" will drive me nuts, but I'm not worried, I know I can get over it.

[need2bme]

I know that in the future a "everything is fine honey" will drive me nuts, but I'm not worried, I know I can get over it.

 

I like what you wrote about. It seems you are finding your way.

 

However, I would also like to point out the quote above. I thought that I had put all the crud form my long-term breakup behind me, but the messed up feelings came right back when I was dating this last ex. So, sometimes we think we are ok, but then the subconscious plays a trick on us...

[Suesser Tod]

I like what you wrote about. It seems you are finding your way.

 

However, I would also like to point out the quote above. I thought that I had put all the crud form my long-term breakup behind me, but the messed up feelings came right back when I was dating this last ex. So, sometimes we think we are ok, but then the subconscious plays a trick on us...

 

Well, that is normal and expected. Life is a learning experience, so you learn something everyday, even if you don't want to. Unfortunately, not everything that you learn is good.

 

Also, you might become conditioned to certain behaviors on a relationship. The key is to recognize those behaviors so you can avoid them.

 

Unfortunately, this is the second time in a row where "everything is fine" means "everything is wrong", so I'll have to put some serious effort and attention to get over that.

[Suesser Tod]

HA!!!

 

Today I got the results from my psychiatric evaluations!!! I'm really happy, as it turns out that I was indeed incorrectly diagnosed in the past. I'm not bipolar, it's just an anxiety disorder!

 

 

Guess this is the first time someone will be happy about having an anxiety disorder, but I'm really happy about it.

 

 

My therapist (psychoanalyst) already got me a treatment plan, including one psychiatris and one psychologist. I'll work on the anxiety disorder with the psychiatrist and the psychiatrist is a "self-steem" specialist, with whom I'll be working my self steem issues and keeping my mind from overthinking everything. I'll also continue with the psychoanalyst trying to figure out why I don't like people, my social skills, etc.

 

Turns out that I'm ridiculously analitical and rational, go figure...

 

 

I do have traces from bipolar and borderline, but happily they are just personality traits and consequences of the anxiety disorder.

 

 

 

 

As for the ex...

 

 

 

I attended to the academic graduation, everything went well, but when I hugged her I cried. I couldn't help it. She did too...

 

I followed my plan, so I told ner nothing about the graduation party and I gave her back the invitation next day. I went to her house and never got off my motorcycle. We talked for a while outside of her house, and we had a great time, we were laughing, having fun, a talk like we never had before

 

I gave her back the invitation either way. She got real sad and cried when I gave it to her, so I made her laugh a bit more and explained her that it was the best thing for all of us. To be honest, because of the good time we were having and how well we were getting along, deep inside me I did had these "we can be together" feelings and had second thoughts when I handed her the invitation. But I'm convinced it was the best for all of us, specially for myself.

 

Now I'm sticking to NC.

 

 

I also need to heal, something I haven't been able to properly do with LC. In fact, I think that LC hurt me a lot more than the actual breakup.