hopefulromantic79 Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 How important is it to be "settled" before jumping into a relationship...is it ok to be a "work in progress" so to speak or should you be completely secure in every way (emotionally, mentally, physically)? I think about all this constantly because I really want to get out and date but I feel like it wouldn't be fair due to the fact that I don't feel secure in any of these areas...and I know myself well enough to know that I will always be struggling in at least one of these areas for the rest of my life! I also realize that I want kids and a great family life that I didn't have growing up...but at 28, it feels like that ideal is slipping away from me...I know that 28 isn't old, but it does give me a lot of anxiety...like I should be much farther ahead than I am in at least some area of my life...seems like I've had my head in the clouds for a lot of my twenties and now it's come to bite me in the butt. I don't know..just wanted to vent about this. It seems as though every time I get together with my single friends, all we talk about is men and relationships...and then with my married friends, all we talk about is marriage, babies, etc. Part of me wants to escape all of this...but part of me really wants that stable life. I used to get relief from watching Sex & the City...but the reality is, all they do is freak out about being single. I'm hoping this is just a phase I'm going through and eventually I'll calm down about it...but I just can't help but freak out about it right now. Can anyone relate? Anyways, just needed to get this out...thanks for reading . Link to comment
Dako Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 For most mortals, there's never a time where they have everything sttled and under control. In my case, it's never happened. Link to comment
toshiba Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 If you wait until everything is settled, you'll be waiting a long, long time. Life is not a series of steps and then you coast. Life is a continuous series of steps and those steps go up, down and every which way...and you don't know until you turn the corner which way the next set of steps are going to take you. Once you figure out that you're always going to be on a step, you can then appreciate where you are now in the journey instead of wishing your life away for some future date. Link to comment
talo Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 A good topic HR, If we are talking about 'settled family life', both partners would need to be well versed in 'handling unsettling circumstances' wouldn't they..... Isn't this what relationship(s) prior to 'forming a family' are for..... There is bound to be some unsettling circumstance around the corner isn't there... and the important thing is to be able to handle this well isn't it.... and this would require one to not be set(tled) in one's ways, wouldn't it..... Link to comment
WaterIsLife Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 I agree, this is a good topic. In the past I have done things in a way that I was often waiting for this or that to settle down/get fixed/change, etc. But guess what? Life happens! Link to comment
bulletproof Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Everyone will always be a work in progress, hopefully. Otherwise we would just be stagnant. A lot of people think that we need to be settled in all areas before we can have healthy relationships. I disagree with this. All you really need is to be secure with who you are on some level and not depend on someone to save you. Other than that, you can be exploring new careers, new living situations, whatever. If your friends are only talking about whatever their romantic status is, you might want to think of new subjects. I have one acquaintance like this, and I always have to steer her away from this same old stuff- who she's dating, her exes, relationships and the overanalysis of them. I try my best to direct conversation to her job, her friends, her family. And I avoid shows like SATC at all costs- it just perpetuates this garbage that we should only be concerned with relationships. While I agree that relationships are extremely important, there are other things going on in the world and with ourselves, if we have a full life. If not- time to create one. Link to comment
rockr Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 i found myself unsettled while being single and settled when in a relationship. it was like a missing piece in my jigsaw puzzle. Link to comment
WaterIsLife Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Everyone will always be a work in progress, hopefully. Otherwise we would just be stagnant. A lot of people think that we need to be settled in all areas before we can have healthy relationships. I disagree with this. All you really need is to be secure with who you are on some level and not depend on someone to save you. Other than that, you can be exploring new careers, new living situations, whatever. Very good point bulletproof. I think the key is also allowing yourself to grow, whether that is with someone else or on your own. Link to comment
Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 when i was in a realationship i had a job and i had a well amout of money, i have neither now, so yes i would wait to be a lil settled before i jumped into a realationship beacuse if i did right now it would not make it past one week Link to comment
hopefulromantic79 Posted December 14, 2007 Author Share Posted December 14, 2007 Thanks, all, for your opinions. After realizing how many areas of my life I'm unhappy with at the moment, I've realized that I was and am looking for someone to "save me". It's so much easier to focus on someone else. Everything I do I always have in the back of my mind...how will this impress someone or how does this make me look in the eyes of this guy, etc., etc., etc. I'm sick of living like that....so, dating will be put on the back burner (not that they are lining up at the door, lol), and I will spend some time with me, myself and I. I can't expect anyone to see the beauty in me if I can't see it myself. Hard part is getting to the point where I see myself in that way...I have years of abuse to work through in order to get there. But I have faith...there's that fire in me that's not out yet and I will get there Link to comment
love4life Posted December 14, 2007 Share Posted December 14, 2007 Hey hopeful, I'm one to focus on others, too. And, of course, lately it's been my ex. I had a moment of clarity yesterday, where something hit me and all my energy that I was putting into my ex kind of "fused" (for lack of a better word) itself back into me. I've been feeling much more clear-headed and much more balanced the last 24 hours or so (hopefully it will last longer!). I think the important thing to do is to notice when you're focussing your energy on your ex (or anyone whose outside of your control) and, when you do, reabsorb that energy you're expending and feel it wash back over and inside of you That way you won't be trying to "fix" anyone else and you won't need someone to "save" you. You'll be "fixing" and "saving" yourself at the same time. Link to comment
hopefulromantic79 Posted December 15, 2007 Author Share Posted December 15, 2007 Thanks, L4Life. And I don't want anyone to feel like they need to save or fix me....but for once, I want to feel like I am "enough" for someone. I don't feel that way and the recent break up just makes me feel that something must be wrong with me...I mean, I had a man professing his love for me, wanting to marry me and all of the sudden - poof, he's gone! Something my ex liked to tell me was that focusing on yourself is selfish. He told me making him happy would make me happy. Honestly, it did. Healthy or not, I LOVED making him smile. While I know that focusing on yourself is healthy, I do not think it's wrong to want and try to make someone else happy...I guess it's just about striking a balance? I feel as if I'm clueless when it comes to relationships . Good thing I'm single! Link to comment
love4life Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 I think, like everything in life, balance is necessary. I think as long as you put the same love and care you put into someone else into yourself, as well, then you'll find someone who's the right match for you. You're already so much wiser and self-aware after this experience that there's no way you'll doubt yourself when you meet someone who will treat you well. Link to comment
WaterIsLife Posted December 16, 2007 Share Posted December 16, 2007 You're already so much wiser and self-aware after this experience that there's no way you'll doubt yourself when you meet someone who will treat you well. I agree. I think that goes for you too L4L! Link to comment
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