Ended a friendship - did I do the right thing?

[parralax]

Had this friend who was great and fun and endearing, we would chat, spend time together at work and outside of work. She was always really gossipy, but she was fun to be around, so I though nothing of it. After a while I noticed that she was saying really unkind things about people, and telling me about fights that she was having with other friends. Even although I would listen, I found myself not agreeing with the position she would take with these people, thinking that what she was doing was questionable. I saw her treat another friend badly.

 

Then one night she started in on me and yelled at me in public about nothing important. Thought that I had done something wrong, tried to overlook it, would be extra nice to earn back her approval but I never could. She would disregard my contributions to conversation, interrupt when I was talking, talk over me. Say cruel things about a guy I went out with and then decided not to continue seeing. He was an good guy - just not the one for me. It hurt me that she would say things about him. She would get "in between" me and other people I was talking to them and cut me off. I though that she might say mean things behind my back if I did anything to upset her. I got scared! It was like being back in high school.

 

Then she moved away temporarily. Life actually improved, I met more people and made some new friends. Found out that someone that she had told me that she did not like, and would gossip about had found her so difficult that she had not wanted to come to work. Discovered that she had acted in ways towards other people that they did not appreciate. I felt bad that I had allowed myself to listen to and participate in the gossip - I feel like I helped her hurt these people.

 

Dreaded her coming back but she did. It was OK for a while. Then she was appallingly rude to me for nothing that I had done and I had enough. The next week she made the moves on someone I really liked. Had not told her but suspect that she had an idea. I just stopped having anything more to do with her, and declined her invitations. For a while I got rudeness, backhanded comments and general scowling. Now we speak civilly, but that is where I draw the line. Never told her why, as thought that if I did that it would be pointless - it would be the same argument that she had with those other friends. She would not listen, would not be told.

 

But I still feel bad that I never told her why I ended the friendship - guilty that I just blew her off like that, even although even now I don't want to spend any time with her or have a friendship with her. I just want to be free of the dynamic.

 

Am still sorting out what this all means - how do I feel better about this? Has anyone else had a similar experience?

[Im_in_Chains]

Hi parralax

 

I'm sorry you went through all this with your friend. Clearly she was making you very unhappy.

 

I'm guessing that in an ideal world, you would have liked to be able to sit down with her and talk through your grievences, in an adult way, and perhaps resolve the situation? But I wonder, do you honestly think she'd have been receptive to this kind of discussion? Knowing what you do about her, do you think she'd have perhaps lost her temper with you, called you named and then perhaps gosspiped about you making you out to be all bad?

 

I'm guessing you had some concerns about how she'd have reacted if you'd raised these issues with her. With this in mind, you did the best thing you could at the time. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

 

I've recently expressed my concerns to a friend who was doing similar to your friend. Although she was very capable of giving a balanced view on things/situations/peope, she would then push the negative to the extreme and resort to name-calling of certain individuals or groups of people. It was all incredibly horrible and unnecessary stuff (I'll pm you a link). There's a lot more to this and it got personal. That's when I decided to raise the issue with her. Her response to that was to end the friendship. I was so relieved! But there's more to follow, too.

 

I think you did the right thing for you and you have to ask yourself: do you feel better for not having her in your life?

 

Take care

IIC

[parralax]

I really tried hard for us to get along. I even thought that I could manage her for a while.

 

Am absolutely certain that she has said things about me after I stopped contact with her. Am sure that I have been painted as the bad guy in this situation. Any confrontation would likely have meant that the gossip would have been worse. I felt cutting ties without confrontation was my only option, as had seen someone else try to call her on her behaviour and fail. Am not sure who ended the friendship there. I stopped asking and avoided talking to her about it after a bit.

 

I feel like my association with her has sullied me in some way. I think maybe people think that I am like her because I spent so much time with her. I think that some people think that I have been the bad guy to treat her like this (as she can be so genuinely fun and charming to so many people). I feel guilty about the gossip, I listened and participated. But a relationship founded on such utter gossipy nonsense seems absolutely stupid and pointless now. My life is better without her in it.