Where do I meet guys who have their <mod edit> together?

[lissa23]

Ok. So I got out of a 2+ year relationship a couple of months ago and I just recently started "looking" at my possibilities. I mean, at first I wasn't really "in the mood" to meet anyone but then I went on a couple of dates and just realized that the men that I've been "meeting" haven't really been anything that I'm looking for. I guess it's a fair assumption that after this rocky 2+, almost 3 years that I can clearly outline what I want and what I DON'T want. So here's a bit about me... and why I can't seem to find anyone or don't know where to go to meet anyone.

 

Name's Lissa - I'm half Asian and half Canadian (not that it really matters). I grew up in a pretty disciplined household however both my parents were very supportive in what I wanted to do. I did some acting when I was younger but ended up doing music for most of my "childhood and teenage" life. It brought me up to when I was about 17 when I wrote my first album, played on the Warped Tour, and toured Canada. I met my ex then. He was also a musician and we got along great. I still went to high school and took a few correspondence university classes throughout that time. After high school I decided that although music was something that I loved to do it was something that I wanted to do personally. This is when I took a step back and decided to go back to school. I got my business diploma in a year and a half (I worked so hard). This probably was the start of my ex and I problem when I realized we weren't meant for each other. I got my diploma and decided that I wanted to start working and do university correspondence to finish up my degree. I started off working at a small firm doing business development. After a year of that, I decided that I needed a change. Now I'm working as a Account Executive for another well known and respected firm here. I'm making good enough money where I am almost ready to buy my own place.

 

I'm not trying to brag or anything but I think the last year moved so fast for me that I want to find someone that I can relate to on that level. I am very career focused and career driven and I know that I still have a lot to learn. But I feel as though a lot of the men I'm meeting right now... really don't have an idea of what they want to do - and that's OK but at least have some kind of direction in how they plan to find out what they want out of life.

 

I don't know if I'm making sense... but I just don't know how to meet these guys?

[CrazyKing]

I have an idea what I want to do, but I'm out of money all the time, lol...

Guys who know what they want are always taken very fast...

[Cimmie]

I think that when you get where you want to go and are working among like minded people, you will run into men who have the same drive and objectives. That probably hasn't happened yet for you. But it will. You're just starting out, give it time!

[Barg123]

I'm assuming by "guys who have their together", you mean guys with a decent education and career path. The problem isn't that these guys are taken up too fast, it's the fact that they typically aren't prioritizing meeting girls at the top. Lots of them have the "make money first, get happiness later" mentallity, so their early, post-college years will be dominated by their jobs.

 

For example: If you ever go to a bar on a Friday night in NYC, you'll meet plenty of people who "work at an investment bank", but very few actual investment bankers. Where are they? They're still working!

 

The best way to meet these type of guys are through professional groups or career/personal development groups. It might feel a bit stuffy at first, but often this the only social outlet for these types outside of their work.

[Gath]

I'm assuming by "guys who have their together", you mean guys with a decent education and career path. The problem isn't that these guys are taken up too fast, it's the fact that they typically aren't prioritizing meeting girls at the top. Lots of them have the "make money first, get happiness later" mentallity, so their early, post-college years will be dominated by their jobs.

 

For example: If you ever go to a bar on a Friday night in NYC, you'll meet plenty of people who "work at an investment bank", but very few actual investment bankers. Where are they? They're still working!

 

The best way to meet these type of guys are through professional groups or career/personal development groups. It might feel a bit stuffy at first, but often this the only social outlet for these types outside of their work.

 

This is a pretty accurate statement. Although the whole "taken already" bit is also reasonable. A lot of guys like you describe get their SO in college. Of course a lot of them are later freed up when their SO realizes how much time he's going to be spending at work. . .

[lissa23]

I'm assuming by "guys who have their together", you mean guys with a decent education and career path. The problem isn't that these guys are taken up too fast, it's the fact that they typically aren't prioritizing meeting girls at the top. Lots of them have the "make money first, get happiness later" mentallity, so their early, post-college years will be dominated by their jobs.

 

For example: If you ever go to a bar on a Friday night in NYC, you'll meet plenty of people who "work at an investment bank", but very few actual investment bankers. Where are they? They're still working!

 

The best way to meet these type of guys are through professional groups or career/personal development groups. It might feel a bit stuffy at first, but often this the only social outlet for these types outside of their work.

 

Yeah I'm definitely considering that. I've gone to a few group meetings and we'll see how it goes.

 

I wrote this late last night and came back this morning to reread what I wrote. I didn't want it to sound as though I was looking for someone who just has a good job. With my ex he didn't and he hated it and honestly it brought a lot of problems into the relationship. I want someone who knows what they want to do and love what they're doing no matter how much they're making. It's important that they know where they want to head and if they are not at least have an idea of how they would find their passion. I'm just meeting men who really don't care if they wake up at 3pm the next morning and just sit around watching TV all day. I'm completely independent in my own ways. I have my own career, my own money, and my own things. I just want someone to share that with.

[Batya33]

I'm assuming by "guys who have their together", you mean guys with a decent education and career path. The problem isn't that these guys are taken up too fast, it's the fact that they typically aren't prioritizing meeting girls at the top. Lots of them have the "make money first, get happiness later" mentallity, so their early, post-college years will be dominated by their jobs.

 

For example: If you ever go to a bar on a Friday night in NYC, you'll meet plenty of people who "work at an investment bank", but very few actual investment bankers. Where are they? They're still working!

 

The best way to meet these type of guys are through professional groups or career/personal development groups. It might feel a bit stuffy at first, but often this the only social outlet for these types outside of their work.

 

I live in a major city like NY, have been a busy professional for over a decade, dated men mostly within my industry and you could not be more wrong about these mens' priorities. they (and I) work hard and play hard and by play hard I mean they - and we- have time to date and develop relationships. the ones who don't simply choose to prioritize making money but they are not the majority.

 

I dated seriously two young investment bankers and several young corporate lawyers in my early to mid- 20s -- and I met and went on dates with many other professionals and "workaholic" was not the reason it didn't work out. they were career driven and they made time for dating and relationships. So did I.

 

I rarely hung out at bars though to meet men- wasn't my scene. I met one that way - at a singles event that took place at a bar..or meet through friends at work or meet through the many outside activities these people do (sorry, but the "social outlet" comment was pretty darn funny). I meet professionals through: community theater groups, volunteer work, at parties, benefits, through sporting activities, through my friends who belong to my book group, women's networking groups, etc.

 

I met my current boyfriend many years ago at work and we reconnected a few years ago and started dating. One reason we reconnected is because when you network and stay in touch with people it's much easier and more natural to get back in touch - you have more in common.

 

Please be careful not to listen to generalizations like that poster - I dated in that crowd for over 15 years and never had that experience - neither did my friends. I didn't prioritize making money over my happiness and neither did the men I dated and had relationships with.

 

On line dating is also a great way because for those who travel a lot for work it is sometimes easier to schedule a coffee meet than an evening at a crowded bar. a close friend, a former actress/musician only knew others in her line of interests who weren't financially stable - she wanted someone who was so she answered ads from the newspaper and met her husband (this was over 20 years ago).

 

Congrats on being financially pulled together and being close to being able to afford your own place! Hmmm maybe your real estate broker will know someone to introduce you to (or will be a cutie, lol).

[lissa23]

Batya,

 

Thanks for you first hand insight. Did you ever go through the run of men who were intimidated by your drive? I find that the ones who don't mind don't really have an idea for themselves and the ones who have somewhat of an idea may not necessarily want a woman who does.

[Batya33]

I've heard the myth all my life of men who are "intimidated" by so called "career women" (I am a woman who has a career, yes but i am no more a "career woman" than a man with a career is a "career man") but I have yet to experience any problems with that.

 

Now, it's possible that some men were intimidated and that those were not the men I was attracted to or interacted with (so how would I know). There were a few men who i spoke with on the phone through on line who made several saracastic/negative comments about my job before even speaking with me 10 minutes - I am not overly sensitive but it was so transparently insecure -- and boring/cliche comments - it would have been a waste of time to meet that person.

 

Otherwise, never was an issue.

 

I know how to remove my work hat after work. Period. I am very feminine - no not feminine "for a career woman" - just - feminine - by any reasonable standard. I also don't define myself by my work - I am an aunt, a daughter, a volunteer, etc before I am what I do for a living.

 

I found that I was not as compatible with 9 to 5-ers or, schoolteachers for example who worked till 3PM. Often they would be intrigued by my choice of job/career but if I had to cancel more than once due to work, or if I didn't have an answer to "well if you work late, when do you"take" dinner" (so they could meet for dinner - but there are times - few and far between now - when dinner is 15 minutes of sushi at one's desk), the intrigue was replaced with "I don't want to have to put up with her schedule." And that was fine.

 

If I were dating again i would be open to dating someone with a regular predictable schedule just as I was then, especially since my schedule is far more predictable these days - but since I've had no problem meeting men within my industry who I like/am compatible with I haven't had to face that issue.

 

The people I find intimidating are those who don't remove their work hat at the end of the day. But that isn't about their job - that's about their personality.

 

It also helps to live in a major city where having a busy career is no big deal so it's less likely to intimidate anyone.

[Barg123]

Please be careful not to listen to generalizations like that poster - I dated in that crowd for over 15 years and never had that experience - neither did my friends. I didn't prioritize making money over my happiness and neither did the men I dated and had relationships with.

 

I'm surprised that somebody would dismiss my scenario as if it were a myth, because it simply isn't. There are many professions where an explicit downside is that you will have considerably less time to socialize, develop relationships, and have extra cirricular activity in general.

 

Whether these people love their job above all else or simply are willing to grind a few years away in order to secure a brighter future, they joined these professions knowing that it would likely be the dominating aspect of their life (whether temporarily or permanent). It's easy to say "work hard and play hard", but once you're crunching away at a 80+ hour work week or waking up in a new city every day, meeting new people suddenly feels like more work (maintaining an existing relationship is a completely different topic). There are numerous life stories published in books and magazines where people talk about their careers, how they loved the glory, money, and responsibility/power, but eventually stopped the fast-track because it took too much a toll on the other parts of their life.

 

Know any friends that had to study for a certification exam for their profession (CFA, CPA, ARE, BAR, actuary, etc.)? Most likely they weren't very outgoing in the months leading up to their exam. And preparing for these exams is often just a taste of the commitment required for the job.

 

Does that mean all of these career-driven individuals have no social life? Of course not, everybody is different. But people who made a commitment to their jobs will inevitably have less time for everything else, including the social scene (non-work related) and relationships.

[Batya33]

Thanks and yes many of my friends took the bar, boards, CPA, you name it -given my age (17 years older than you) and the number of people I know it likely is in higher numbers and for longer than the people you know. I was responding to the blanket statement about "no social life' not the "no social life while preparing for the CPA/bar/boards/final exams/PHd defense" - that is obvious to me.

 

And as I wrote above most professionals I know - we work hard and play hard. I found that my friends who had more free time didn't necesarily socialize more - they ran more errands, went shopping more often, went to the gym more often, did laundry or just vegged. Nothing at all wrong with that - in fact it was very right for them! - but the correlation of longer hours-less social life is not necesarily true.

 

You simply get more things delivered (groceries, laundry, etc), you live in n area that is closer to where the action is (because you can afford to), you fit in your workouts early morning or later in the evening and yes there is less time to relax if you also want to be out there dating people or meeting people to date. It takes a lot of motivation to be out there in the dating scene and I found that treating it like a part time job at times - putting in the same "drive" I did to my job - worked well.

 

And - since especially in the early years you're having dinner with your colleagues in a conference room, you end up socializing some at work - especially if you're working with an intense deadline around the clock - so there are office romances, there are more opportunities for someone to get to know you and think "hmm I know someone who would be perfect for him" etc. And, no the office romances/relationships are not all risky - if it's not between supervisor/employee then it can be managed especially at a huge company, from what I've seen and experienced.

 

Once again, there are degrees of statements - yours was qualified, and so is mine. It's a whole different story to describe driven professionals as having no social life and as the professional organizations being their only social outlet. That was what I was responding to.

[KAT MOMMY]

First off, I think you come off as a bit too cocky and not at all confident. Kudos for finishing school and staying focued and it is awesome that you have very supportive parents-please understand that a good 80% of the world are not as fortunante as you have been. Also keep in mind that women mature much faster than men and at the age of 24-27 they are still not grounded and focused. I think that after 30 they begin to view the world with a different perspective.

Also you have to keep in mind the odds as well which has a lot of the professional men out of sight. alot of them are happily married, gay or bisexual, players, saved, or just plain lame. Most of the time the ones that are well-off already have their "leading lady" in which have been there from the start so really I think it is a very small window of opportunity to meet someone "ready made"-opposed to meeting a couple dozen with potential and/or working towards their goals.

 

Someone else mentioned the fact that they may be at work overtime. I wouldn't give up hope though because you never really can underestimate the future. My only advice would be to fall back a bit meaning breathe easy. I am sure you let your style of dress, your visa, your jewelry, car, house talk for you and if not try that approach first. You don't have to blurt it out becauseit is a bit intimadating to someone who doesn't have their life in order and for someone who does it gets boring after a while-not unless you are looking for a total geek!

 

Good luck

[ghost69]

go to a swap meet. the guys that have the booths. they have it together. not so much the shoppers.

[Batya33]

Katmommy,

 

I completely agree that no one should brag about what they do for a living or raise it out of context - that is crass even if not intimidating and comes accross as insecure.

 

I don't see a link between being successful and dressing in a flashy way/flashing a VISA - there are many flashy dressers struggling to make ends meet - it's called credit card debt - says nothing about true success.

 

I also found it far more interesting to meet self-made people - not ones where parents and trust funds funded the education/lifestyle.

[lissa23]

That's exactly why I tried to re-frame my statement. I did not want to come off at all "cocky" or that I'm perfect. Believe me, I am no where near perfect. I'm still learning the ropes and constantly growing. I have wonderful parents but I have worked my behind off. Although they're supportive I had to financially support myself through school. Yes, I am proud of myself but I'm not saying it to prove a point. I'm saying it because in order for someone to give me good advice they have to at least see where I'm coming from and where "in life" I am whether it's at the beginning of my career or I'm finishing it. However, like many of us here have gone through a bad relationship there are certain things that you learn that you won't put up with anymore.

 

Like I said before, it's not about the good job or the good money... It's just guys in general who have an idea or at least some kind of drive in them... not someone who doesn't know what they want in the future and isn't willing to find out what their potential is.

 

I guess it's just frustrating is all. I mean, I've met guys from all walks of life who are well off or who are just starting off. I'm not saying because they have a stable job, money, and a nice car that they've "got their **** together". It's really about someone who is on the same page as me.