Emotionally low-key & friendships

[Celadon]

Seems like the more emotional people have an easier time with making and keeping friends. It's a tough reality to swallow because I'm emotionally pretty low-key. Well, at least, I don't normally express lots of joy and laughter. I'm more reserved.

 

It sometimes leaves me feeling inadequate and jealous when I have friends who make friends really easily, whereas people aren't so drawn to me. I don't know - I'm mostly just venting about this. But if anyone knows what I mean or if you've been like this yourself ... lemme know what you think and if you've done anything to improve the situation. Thanks.

[No Spaces Rob]

Hi K8tie, I consider myself an emotional person and I certainly don't have an easier time making and keeping friends. I wish you all the best with finding good friends - I don't have much advice to offer except that you should be very picky about who your friends are, because you deserve good ones.

 

Another piece of advice is to treat all people as if they already like you. One big mistake you can make is assume that people will not like you, or find you clingy or creepy, or dull. Assume that people really like you, even when you meet them for the first time, and you'll be a likeable person. If you seem hesitant, or scared, when you meet people, they might take it as you not wanting to open up to them and show the real you. They might think you are hiding yourself. Confidence is important, and for that you need to always assume that people like you and are dying to talk to you - until proven otherwise.

[Batya33]

It depends.... the trainwreck friendships where the person wants someone to listen to the drama stuff constantly probably requires an emotional listener. For me, quite often I gravitate towards the grounded/logical/analytical types who definitely care about me but can give me the objective view I need.

 

I tend to have more fun with people who are not overly emotional.

[Celadon]

Hi K8tie, I consider myself an emotional person and I certainly don't have an easier time making and keeping friends. I wish you all the best with finding good friends - I don't have much advice to offer except that you should be very picky about who your friends are, because you deserve good ones.

OK, thanks for the perspective and for the kind words. That's really nice of you.

 

Another piece of advice is to treat all people as if they already like you. One big mistake you can make is assume that people will not like you, or find you clingy or creepy, or dull. Assume that people really like you, even when you meet them for the first time, and you'll be a likeable person. If you seem hesitant, or scared, when you meet people, they might take it as you not wanting to open up to them and show the real you. They might think you are hiding yourself. Confidence is important, and for that you need to always assume that people like you and are dying to talk to you - until proven otherwise.

That's great advice. Thanks. I'll have a chance to practice this week, 'cause I'm going to a birthday dinner with a bunch of friends.

 

For me, quite often I gravitate towards the grounded/logical/analytical types who definitely care about me but can give me the objective view I need.

Glad to hear it. I realized today that one reason I was feeling insecure in this area is because I was with a friend yesterday who doesn't listen too well. She treats conversation like a game -- she always "playing" (telling the story, throwing out tidbits about herself so you'll ask her more about it, etc.). If I talk in a calm or factual way, she acts like I'm not saying anything and instead takes it as a cue for her to talk more. It was wearing me down!

 

But thankfully, today I had dinner with some people and one gal there was really nice and interested in a deeper conversation. So I was reminded that you don't have to razzle dazzle people all the time. Some people really are interested in listening.

[No Spaces Rob]

... I was with a friend yesterday who doesn't listen too well. She treats conversation like a game -- she always "playing" (telling the story, throwing out tidbits about herself so you'll ask her more about it, etc.). If I talk in a calm or factual way, she acts like I'm not saying anything and instead takes it as a cue for her to talk more. It was wearing me down!

 

Different people have different approaches or may react differently to you. Some people may not even like you! But I think if you meet enough people and you give them a chance to like you, then you'll realise that there are more people and that some will like you, and some won't. The ones that do, if you give them a chance (by treating them as if you assume they like you), will make you feel better about yourself. They'll prove that you are an interesting and sought after person after all.

 

In other words, assume people will like you, and after a while you'll probably encounter people who respond well (even though not everyone will), and these people will help you feel better about yourself.

 

I grew up being taught not to pay any attention to what people thought of me, so if people weren't nice I should ignore it. But I think this is a wrong approach, even though it sounds great in theory. The truth is, when people are not nice to us, we feel bad about ourselves and there's nothing we can do to help that, shaming ourselves into trying to ignore those feelings is useless. But if people do like us then we feel great about it. It's not possible to hide that, you are going to feel good if people like you and are nice to you.

 

So try to do things which give the opportunity for people to like you or be nice to you. It could be as simple as smiling at someone, with a big, confident smile, and see them return the smile. You can even do it with strangers! For every one person that does return your smile then you'll feel great. And you can also have conversations with people, again, being very friendly and smiling, as if they like you already and you have nothing to fear. See if people respond positively. Not all will, but those few that do will help you see that your feelings of inadequacy are irrelevant because you are likeable.

 

The other bit I said, about being very careful about choosing your friends, is kinda important, and I really really wish I was better at this. Choose people who are friendly towards you (assuming you are friendly towards them) and who are nice, and show an interest in you. If someone likes hanging around you but seems to be more focused on themselves or the sound of their own voice, then they need not be a very close friend as, for example, someone who you feel really respects you and cares about you.

[Batya33]

Katie - if your friend does that tidbit thing again just say "this feels a bit like your monologue where my role is to give you cues - I understand you want to tell me your story but I feel more like a captive audience than someone you really want to share this with"

 

And even though I'm not a big fan of e-mail - if this person truly won't listen, put it in an e-mail after cutting the next convo short.