Can we talk?

[bridgid8]

So, I ran into my ex tonight at MY pub (there is an unspoken pub turf agreement- I don't go to "his"-this is the second time he has been at "mine" since the break-up in April). This was fortunate for my ego, as always being a "one of the guys" kind of girl, I was getting compliments when I walked in. Basically I had a little bit of make-up on and my hair was not in a pony tail for a change. So he was there. We spoke for a few minutes and he paid up and when he was leaving asked if we could get together to talk more. I asked why, and he said to continue this conversation (essentially a brief catching up) and to make sure I was ok. I said it might be ok but I told him that I would not be contacting him. He said he would email me about it. I don't know how I even feel right now. Do I meet up with him again? I still love him and this whole journey has been so confusing. I wish I could put my hope in a trash can and kick the **** out of it. But it is still there, I felt the hope again tonight. I have been through alot in my life and have always been resilient. I am so embarrassed and ashamed that this still lingers, I have let go of so many things,why is this one so hard? I have cried enough over this, I am doing all the things I need to do to be done with this. When will it let go of me?

 

Now I'll be waiting for his f email. I feel paralyzed again.

[Censored]

 

Now I'll be waiting for his email. I feel paralyzed again.

 

Well, unless he is clear on his intentions, then i would say avoid it. You have obviously come a long way but aren't there yet, don't let him turn you into an emotional wreck again.

[bridgid8]

Well, unless he is clear on his intentions, then i would say avoid it. You have obviously come a long way but aren't there yet, don't let him turn you into an emotional wreck again.

 

Thanks, you're right. It is so hard though, when all I have wanted to do is talk to him and be close with him. But I can't compromise my progress. Rock and a hard place. His intentions seemed to be that he wanted to see how I was doing. No "intentions" at all. If I am I mess now, I guess I need to stand up for myself and realize I'll be again if I meet with him too soon.

[Censored]

Yeah, i know its hard bridgid, but you know what, this guy will ALWAYS have a place somewhere in your heart, just accept that side of it and try not to let it grow into anything more than a fondness of what WAS but no longer IS. However, for yourself, you are number ONE and anything that could damage your progress needs to be avoided. Protect yourself vehemently against set backs.

[bridgid8]

However, for yourself, you are number ONE and anything that could damage your progress needs to be avoided. Protect yourself vehemently against set backs.

 

Thanks for the support. By now, I should know what I need to do. I guess I just needed to be reminded.

[need2bme]

I will never understand why someone has to wait to find out what somone else's intentions ARE. If someone wants to talk to you about being together or about anything to do with you, shouldn't they just be up front and SAY they want to be back together?

 

Why does someone get to "check up" on anybody, with no investment into anything else.

 

My ex, before this last ex said, "I miss the silliness". Well, tough, you gave up the silliness. You cannot have everything....you have to give up something too.

[BigTex]

His intentions seemed to be that he wanted to see how I was doing. No "intentions" at all.

 

Me ex tried this with me too. In my case, I think that she felt guilty. When I asked why she was contacting me, all I got back was silence. I don't know what her whole motivation was, but it certainly wasn't to try and reconcile. Good luck. Be strong.

[bridgid8]

Need2b, it is frustrating. When someone leaves, why do they feel the need to keep in contact? Is it so they feel better about themselves? Then just say "hey, I feel like I did a crappy thing and feel bad, I want to see you again so I feel better about myself". I don't want sympathy from him. I just want to get him out of my head. I want the longing to go away. He asked me to talk again when I was clearly not being warm with him, can't he take a hint? Why would he show up at a place where he knew there would be a good chance that I would show up? I MOVED to get away from him. I gave him his space. Why can't I have mine? Him asking to talk when the move is still fresh, AHH, it is so frustrating. I just want to be done with all of this. I want me back.

[bridgid8]

Me ex tried this with me too. In my case, I think that she felt guilty. When I asked why she was contacting me, all I got back was silence. I don't know what her whole motivation was, but it certainly wasn't to try and reconcile. Good luck. Be strong.

 

Thank you, I need that dose of reality. I think he feels guilty, too. But I know if I do meet with, I'll have something else on my mind.

[CatsMeeoow]

So what will you do when he emails? Just ignore it?

[bridgid8]

Hey Cats,

 

I don't know how to handle it. I think I'll respond, but until I actually see what he has to say, I don't know what I'll say. I want to be mature and thoughtful and be able to talk with him, but I just don't feel like I need play a role in him feeling better about himself- my only responsibility right now is to make sure I heal.

[dqueen]

It seems like you were doing fine before you ran into him. Do you think it was a coincidence that he was at your pub or was he just trying to somehow run into you and start a conversation? AS for him telling you he'll send you an email...well, he is going to make you wait...and wait...and wait until you're back to square one again and he feels like he has some power over you. Don't let him have his cake!!!

[CatsMeeoow]

Hey Cats,

 

I don't know how to handle it. I think I'll respond, but until I actually see what he has to say, I don't know what I'll say. I want to be mature and thoughtful and be able to talk with him, but I just don't feel like I need play a role in him feeling better about himself- my only responsibility right now is to make sure I heal.

 

That's fair enough... It sounded as though you wouldn't even read the email... but I think you should and if and how you respond then is totally in your court!

 

If you respond I would just wait at least 48hours... things may settle more and you might just change your mind... let it rest. I always make the mistake of going with my gut and zinging one right back... then I ALWAYS regret that!

 

Best Wishes!

[bridgid8]

dqueen, I don't think it was a coincidence, he knows there is a chance I'd have be there, especially on a Saturday night. I asked him for more time last month, I was pretty sure I would not hear from for a while. He had said himself (in the past) that because we were in such close proximity, that neither of us had been able to get clarity on the situation, and my moving (note: MY moving, not him) and NC would give us the opportunity to get clarity. If he did show up there, I think it was a pretty lame way to go about it. He did this once before too, about a month after the break-up after he had set the LC rules (email contact only). My car was parked out front of the pub that time and he was so surprised to see me (won't go into details of it, I am way tired of that story). He was the one who broke it off because he was not sure he could commit to me. How about at least committing to his decision? He walked away. He needs to live with the consequences- I told him I didn't think we could be friends. Why does this break-up require so much communication??? Why won't he let me have my space? We never "played games" during the relationship, why is he stirring up drama now? I am really angry at this point, sorry for the rant. By the way, he will not get his cake. I am taking back my power.

 

Cats, I am have become pretty good at thinking things over for a few days, although I sometimes regret what I say even after thinking about it for a while. When and if it comes, I'll try to figure out what is best for ME. And I'll probably come here for input!

 

Hmm. I guess the good thing about this is that I am seeing him in a different light. I feel really strong and confident today (and mad Feels better than the sadness. Ah, the post break-up mood swings...

[Deserted1]

Bridgid, I feel for you. I was in a similar situation. My ex and I hadn't talked in 7 months, NC on my part. Then she came poking around (through E-mail). She began to tell me about her life (catch-up), and asked me if I wanted to CHAT I could write her back. This was after a real nasty break up where she lied to me and left to be with someone else.

 

I finally had to be blunt and asked her what she wanted. 8 days later, that's all I had replied with. She replied back with "I don't want anything, I just wanted to see how you were doing." Well I laid into her and asked her why she was contacting me when I had asked her to only contact me if she wanted to get back together. She said that she forgot, and that her sis and dad said that I should be over her and it should be ok to talk to me now. WT!

 

I finally had to tell her to go her own way and leave me and my family in the past. She had no intentions of reconciliation, in fact she didn't even say sorry for what she had put me through. She did say "it just wasn't meant to be." Lol! We had been broken up for 6 months and she had my mom do her taxes. Again WT!

We had gone back and forth after that contact over the course of 10 days, with E-mails of getting it ALL out of our systems again. It was like reliving the break up all over. She said she wouldn't contact me anymore. That was April of this year. I haven't heard from her since. That's the end of that story. Ahh sweet silence! Just a little insight for those who may want to contact further.

[bridgid8]

We had gone back and forth after that contact over the course of 10 days, with E-mails of getting it ALL out of our systems again. It was like reliving the break up all over. She said she wouldn't contact me anymore. That was April of this year. I haven't heard from her since. That's the end of that story. Ahh sweet silence! Just a little insight for those who may want to contact further.

 

I had been enjoying my silence. This is shaking things up a bit.

 

Things are better for you now that there is no threat of contact?

[bridgid8]

During the first few months of the break-up, we only kept in touch by email. It was such a sad and desperate time, I checked my email obsessively, and I don't want to go down that road again. Last night, I was checking a little too much. Putting the brakes on today. Once at lunch and once in the afternoon. dqueen was right, although I don't think he would hold this over my head intentionally, it has a power over me, waiting for this email. And I need to be realistic that it might never come.

 

I really think this is all so he feels better about himself- at what cost? My sanity?

 

Cranky today, wished I could have stayed in bed today. Wished I hadn't spoken to him.

[CatsMeeoow]

Waiting really bites!

 

Hang in there!

[strawberryoctober]

Bridgid8

 

I can relate to your posts as I had been lingering in the background as well. Our timeframes and situation are very similar. My ex and I worked together and live in the same area. Straight NC (or very little) and I got a b-day card and present in the mail from him, 5 months later. It was a very empty feeling and brings you back to the early emotions of checking email obsessively and searching for meaning that isnt there in every word written/typed (we never spoke and I dont think I could even now). They just want to get rid of the guilt of hurting someone. Be careful because anything short of 'I want you back' is going to be an empty feeling. Good luck and keep us posted.

[bridgid8]

Bridgid8

 

It was a very empty feeling and brings you back to the early emotions of checking email obsessively and searching for meaning that isnt there in every word written/typed (we never spoke and I dont think I could even now). They just want to get rid of the guilt of hurting someone. Be careful because anything short of 'I want you back' is going to be an empty feeling.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience, strawberryoctober. How long ago did you get the gift? How are you doing now?

 

I got an email from him this afternoon. It makes me feel so sick. He apologized for things being so awkward. He said he just wanted to talk more to see how I was doing. I told him that I would not contact him and that things were in his court so he said "I have been respecting the distance you said you wanted, so I'm not sure what you meant by saying things were in my court. It's ok." ugh.

 

And now, the only thing I want to do is talk to him.

[strawberryoctober]

We broke up in May and I was left closing out bank accounts and settling that stuff. I wanted to be done and not have any more ties to him. He did not once respond to anything (giving him his share of the money, closing the account and an email I sent him). He completely ignored me . In July he sent an 'I'm sorry email' but again, it was his guilt regarding how badly he handled things. He said I was one of the best things that ever happened to him, blah, blah... I found it quite patronizing and it hurt so much. That was a really tough time. I got the b-day card in early November saying he had been wondering if we would ever speak again and hopefully over time things between us will change b/t us and he wishes nothing but the best for me and he truly hopes I am happy and the gift was a happy birthday/peace offering. We have exchanged a few emails but dint talk about anything of substance. He just says I hope you are doing OK and I hope I see you or talk to you soon. He offered to help me move and I said no thanks. He always says let me know if I can do anything to help in the future (regarding whatever issue we are discussing). I know none of these things are a genuine effort to see/speak to me but he wants to feel better about the way he ended things. We were really good friends for a few years prior so I know he misses my friendship but I will not go down that road. The emails made me happy at first but then they just made me feel sick to my stomach. Its a process and I thought I would be completely over this by now but contact of any sort is a small set back.

Hang in there. Are you going to see him?

[bridgid8]

Its a process and I thought I would be completely over this by now but contact of any sort is a small set back.

Hang in there. Are you going to see him?

 

I know what you mean by that, I would hope that by now I would be better with all of this. I had been feeling good last week, I felt like I was getting myself back, having fun and, yah, I was still thinking about him, but it was not as intense as it had been. I felt like I was actually moving forward and expected the occasional bump in the road. This has made me realize that I am not ok with it. In order for me to let go, I need him to let go because checking in every so often makes me twist things in my mind. He can't have it both ways, and I don't mean that in a selfish way- he walked away from me, he needs to stand by his decision. He left me with "I don't know if I made the right decision" crap and that left me with a hope I having been trying to extinguish. He needs to stop being concerned with how I am doing, or at least if he is worried about me, not feel the need to make it my business. I wish I could be pals and talk once in while and be a part of his life. He has an ex from long ago that he still keeps in touch with, maybe he thinks he could have that with me. But he can't, not now. And I can't be in a position where every time we communicate, feel like I waiting for him to come to his senses. I can't live in this holding pattern. I will speak with him, but I am taking classes and have finals coming up (along with work and the holidays to deal with) so I think I am going to let him know that I would like to talk, just not yet. I'll let him know that I will be in touch- taking things back in my court. That will buy me some time to get my thoughts straight and figure out what I need to let him know. And I know this is an invitation for more misery ahead, but this will be on my terms.

 

Wow, a gift? I would have lost my mind. You mentioned he offered to help you move, did you live together? When were your last emails?

[strawberryoctober]

Wow, a gift? I would have lost my mind.

 

It was a gift certificate to a new restaurant he thought I would like - near my new apartment. We didnt live together but I had to leave my apartment and he knew that. It was a generic card you would give your mailman and an empty gesture. Our last emails were last week - initiated by me and it made me feel worse after. I was going to ignore the card but couldnt deal with him feeling sorry for me so I wanted to be friendly in my response, not sad or bitter. I wanted him to know I am doing well - for the most part. He knows I have no interest in friendship so that will be our last contact other than an unexpected run-in if it should happen.

I am sorry that you are hurting again but for me, it was so much worse for that he is contacting me because he is 'worried about me' or wants to get rid of guilt - not because he misses me. I dont know about you but it made me angry when he said I am one of the most amazing people he ever met (or in your case that he is wondering how you are doing). I am a big girl and dont want his pity or his pep talks after he ended our relationship. I will be fine, so will you.

I think you living in the same building for so long, made this harder to move past. You could let him know that you will get in touch with him in the future when things are less hectic and you may not even want to at that point. There isnt anything he can say that will answer your questions or make you feel better right now. Maybe when you are in a different place, that will not be the case. I tend to think 'I dont know' is a 'no' so unless he says otherwise you are playing with fire. You are not in a static state, his actions or lack of, are quite clear.

Sorry if that sounded harsh but I think we both know, if they wanted it another way then they would move mountains to make things right. Dont settle for anything less because someone out there will do that for you.

[FreedomRing]

Hey Bridgid...

 

Believe me, I know exactly how you feel.... Your hunch was right about the reach out being attempts to make the dumper feel less guilty. That's all it is. My ex broke up with me, then 2 weeks later after I had moved out of the house, and back in with my 'rents, sent me a text stating the following: "Hey..how are you[/b]? How are your classes?(I had just started my first semester in grad school prior to him ending things...nice timing pal) Just wanted to make sure you're ok(What the..??!!

 

Are you for real??!!! Mother's day was the following week, and he sent a text to my mom, and left voicemails to both my bro and father for Father's Day...Lol..talk about assuaging his guilt...he just wanted to uphold the "nice guy" image he has..whatever MAN.

 

Now 7 months later, I've bumped into him on the subway a couple of times, with casual, uncomfortable conversations, where it was obvious he would have rather pretended to ignore me. LOL....go figure...can we say...emotionally immature?

 

You deserve better....and so do I! Keep your head up and plz pamper yourself. I love spending my $$ solely on me this year...instead of bills and a ridiculous mortgage

[yellow_sweater]

he just wanted to uphold the "nice guy" image he has..whatever MAN.

 

Haha... you guys will love this...

 

My great-aunt, who has acted as a grandmother to me, sat down with me at Thanksgiving to see how I was doing. Of course, I was rocking my thing, totally kicking @$$, and we had a great talk.

 

Then she started with the, "He was such a sweet boy, I loved him so much."

 

I cut her off and said, "He rode the village bicycle before we were completely broken up."

 

Her eyes got really wide, and she just said, "Oh."

 

I still chuckle thinking back to that memory...

 

If you've ever seen Pan's Labyrinth, the evil character is obsessed with his son knowing who he is, and the last thing the evil character realizes is that his son will NEVER know who he is.

 

I know that being a "nice" guy is important to my ex--but if it were really, truly important, he would have been nice to me. He was not. There's no harm in telling the truth. Haha...

 

---

 

Ok, another thing: you all should set up a Gmail (email) account and forward your new email address to all of your friends and family but NOT your ex. Then, you can set up a filter in Gmail to send anything from your ex's email address straight to the trash, where you won't see it.

 

It's one more step to insulate you and ENFORCE no contact.