I don't understand..why do they do this?

[AngryHeart]

Ugh, I suck. I gave into contacting the ex. I won;t go into it all, but basicaly after an argument he told me he was just going for a walk, but ended up not coming back. I called, he said he wasn't coming back because he was sick of my " * * * * * ing" and that I'm too needy. I begged, cried, called, text that night with nothing but a "I'm going on a pub crawl, I'll see you later" I continued to ask him to come round so that we could talk...he ignored it. The next day, I asked what was going on, where I stand, etc. again he was still ignoring me. So I said my goodbyes one last time(well) and I went NC. After about 3 days of NC, I got a text claiming that he has never, and will never said anything bad about me. That he has no ahrd feelings towards me, that he will always consider me a friend and hope I find Mr Right one day. I ignored it, kept in NC, afterall I already said goodbye.

 

Then later on that night he text me again..something random about meeting the friend of a local rockstar, I again ignored it. But then this evening I caved it. I text him back saying "oh right, that's cool, should have got his autograph" and basicaly we had small talk. I then realise I probably shouldn't be doing it, I didn't feel too good, felt disappointed in myself. I then told him I didn't thin that us being friends, or small talking, was a very good idea because he knows he meant the world to me, but I'm not what he want, and I gave him some advice about not running away from his problems....he ignored it. I know that he could answer, he's probably only sitting in a pub, I doubt he's busy. This was about 2 hours ago. He ignores me when I'm saying anything serious, but then he'll text me something random like we're friends. Is he just trying to be friends? It hurts and confuses me. I know a lot of ex's do this. I just don't understand how he hasn;t got the decency to say anything when I 'm saying something of importance, but will send me something random My mum thinks he is playing mind games...but I dunno where I stand with this man. He never even told me if he wants to be with me or not, he never came right out and said he didn't, just that he hoped I found Mr Right. Any ideas how his mind is working, and why so many others(seems to be mainly men though) do the same thing?

 

Oh, I shoudl add - we had a fall-out before where he ignored me, but after 5 days he text me asking me to meet up with him, I did, and we got back together. This is the 8th day this time.

[Jeffrey2095]

Hi AngryHeart,

 

Sometimes couples will go through emotional throws when courting...

 

You break up, maybe you get back together, there are people, (lots) who have gotten married and divorced to the same person twice, even three times, so it is not that unusual.

 

Personally, I think a good thing about NC is it allows you to get on, not just sit at home waiting by the phone, YOU have decided no more contact, on your terms...

 

So, moving on is bound to be more difficult if he texts with these "little convos".

 

Sounds unfair to me to keep you on the string.

 

I would ask him, perhaps once more about his position on getting serious, if he says no, but still be friends, just tell him you can't do that, and this time stay in NC...

 

He might be trying to keep you on hold as a rebound in case his current goes awry...

 

"Put up or shut up" is the way I see this one.

 

Good luck.

 

Jeff

[CatsMeeoow]

I would definitely PULL away.

 

Make other plans... go out and get a life... don't make him the center of your world.

 

As you have seen before when you walk away he comes a runnin'.

 

In the meantime do some reading... you need to avoid arguments... you need to understand the keys to communication and that by bringing things up constantly it comes accross as pressure... By being pleasant and agreeing and being busy you will open his eyes... he will probably start to make more efforts to be with you... those will build over time... and then you can have that conversation.

 

Obviously the above is an easy condensed version. Just keep in mind when he does make contact DON'T argue... keep it light, keep it short, be busy...

 

I know it's hard... if only I had mastered that 6 months ago I'd be in a better place with my ex.

 

Good Luck!

[AngryHeart]

Thanks both of you for your reply

 

Jeff, you're right..there are couples out there that are always breaking up, then getting back together. But I don't want that.That;s too unstable for me. If he wanted me back, I would give it another try, I love him, I miss him, etc. and I do want him in my life, badly. But I'd only do it in time, because I know that at the moment he is very confused. He hasn't said it himself, but I'd say it's pretty obvious. I don't think he knows what he wants. After that first few nights, I haven't asked for him back or anything, I know it'll make it worse.

 

"CatsMeeoow", you're right I need to pulltoway. Everyone tells me, and I know I need to, I just don't want to! But It's tough...I just need to try to. But one question....if he does contact again, do you think I shoul answer him? Maybe talk to him but be brief, etc. or is NC the best thing? I just worry that if I ignore him, he won't bother anymore...he's a stubborn sort!

 

And yeah, I need to work on myself in the meantime. If he comes back, that's great...but we both have cummunication problems I'd say! I'll work on mine, just dunno if he'll work on his.

[AngryHeart]

Bumping this for more advice. Any more inputs?? I'm thinking about breaking NC and going LC...I dunno which one is best in this situation? What do you guys think? I know I need to step back, and I will, but completely? I don't want to mess things up for good here.

[samross]

LC might be ok, but I would try to focus on you as other here have indicated. As a guy, thinking back to when I was in my early twenties, if I were texting you (and keep in mind when I was in my twenties the internet did exist yet like it does today. we used friends to go to them and say 'she likes you - do like her?. texting seem like such a much better way ) - - anyway,

if I were texting you to ask you about still being friends I can think of two reasons I might do it: 1) I'm feeling guilty about what happened, and 2) I really do want to be friends. Otherwise I wouldn't take the time to text someone. If you go LC and stick to it (leaning more towards NC) then give yourself some breathing room and see the direction things will go.

[thouse]

My take is this if you don't want to be friends, and you have already told him that, then NC just because when you do LC you still seem to get friend zoned. They call you and you talk about random stuff but nothing else. Yes, you are building a relationship( a friendship) and if that's not what you are looking for then what's the point. Men respond to action not words, and NC is definitely an action, if he loves you he won't just give up.

[AngryHeart]

lol, thanks guys. Different replies there! I'm taking it all on board and thinking about it. I probably WILL contact him eventually to get on speaking terms. But I won't tell him I miss him, want him back, or anything like that (unless he tells me first!) and I'll play it cool, etc. but I know I need to leave it at least a few days if I can, thik about it properly. Give him some time to miss me and think. But I just think that LC could really benefit us. Because the main problem he had with me was my "clinging" and "co-dependancy" so with LC it's showing I can survive without him being my boyfriend, but we're still in SOME contact to maintain that attraction and bond?? What do you think?

[circi]

ARGH I feel your pain. One night when I was going out with the girls, before me and the "becoming an ex as we speak" split up, he made the comment that I should go out and find Mr. Right. Claimed he was kidding but that hurt me sooooo much.

 

I don't know if this will help, but what I've been trying to do today seems to be helping me so it might work for you as well.

 

Every time you want to contact him, sit and think of all the things you don't like about him. All the ways he's done you wrong. I don't know your story, but saying he was going for a walk and not coming back is one way he did you wrong. Replying to your pain with such a bland message is another, as is ignoring you. I'm sure there are plenty. Write them down as you think of them, and refer to them as much as needed. I had forgotten about my ex's Mr Right comment until seeing your post and I just added it to my own list!

 

Keep remembering the pain he is putting you through - KNOWs he's putting you through, and ignoring. Show him you are NOT needy. Not contacting him is the only way to do it. If he contacts you just give polite responses if at all possible.

 

Tell yourself you deserve better, because you DO! Why would you want someone who won't even acknowledge they've hurt you?

[AngryHeart]

OH MY GOD. Why don't I listen to people? Instead I listen to my WOUNDED heart. I text him tonight. First it was just a text saying "hey how's it going? no answer. Then like 10 minutes later I put somethign like "say hi to Jade for me (she is a girl who was like my enemy, hated me, told him lies about me) on seconds thought's maybe not. See you." No reply. Then like 20 minutes later...I sent him a long text saying I miss him, asking him what went wrong, that he said he was happy, he wouldn't leave me, etc. that I didn't understand it. And I asked him to tell me what he wanted, so if he didn't want there to be an us I could move on. I'm a PRAT. I shouldn't have done this, omggmgomg. Now he's gonna have 3 texts from me, looking like someone with manic depression. Happy and ok, then heartbroken. To be fair he may be in bed, there's quite a big chance. But now I really regret breaking NC big time. At least I'll know this time where I stand. If he doesn't answer, or he answers with anything other than "yes, I do miss you and I want to be with you" or along those lines...I will know I CANNOT contact him anymore. Because loving him is killing me. He probably doesn't love me, and maybe never did. WHY DO I HAVE TO LOVE HIM SO MUCH?! I gave him everything I possbly could.....nobody has ever loved him like I have He told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that nobody has ever said and done such nice things as I. What happened to that?! Sorry, but I'm an utter mess..I had to get out of bed, I cannot stop crying. I feel like apart of my soul has died.............................if I don't get the response I want, I will have to remain NC even if I have to chop off my hands and feet.

[CatsMeeoow]

AH -

 

You are going to be okay! Yes - you are strong and wonderful and brillant! I'm so sorry that he has left you hanging and I truly know what it is that you go through when you text and he doesn't respond. It feels as though someone has literally ripped your heart out without the benefit of anesthesia.

 

Don't worry - you are not the first one to text and text and text. Ask around... I think I hold that record here! LOL!

 

Leave that phone of yours alone... walk away. It's okay to cry those tears. You are not alone and you are very much loved. Let him figure this out for himself without any interruptions from you.

 

Make a plan to do something for you tomorrow... can be something silly like going out for that decandent ice cream. Do one thing for yourself tomorrow... you can do it!

 

Lots of hugs!

[AngryHeart]

Thank you for your kind words.

 

I'm mad at myself - should have never text him. But we'll see what he says. I really doubt it will be positive. Yes, I'm thinking about flushing my phone down the loo!

[circi]

Don't feel bad, I've done the same. I too am guilty of being needy. Though I got a favorable response in that he loves and misses me too, end result is the same. No response as to what went wrong and no confirmation that he wants to be with me. I would have preferred no response at all. At least then you know it's done. Limbo is hell.

[AngryHeart]

What an Ahole. After sending him that message he totally ignored it. I got a text about half an hour ago saying "I'm fine, guess what? I'm now in the Wherry changing a machine there!" lol........I sent him a text telling him that I miss him, and can he let me know why he left so I can move on, or does he want an us. He ignored that and replies to the "how are you" one. Wow.......ouch. I think I've inflated his ego. Well, time to deflate it. I MUST go onto NC properly now. I gnored that heartless text, and I will ignore any others unless he is BEGGING for me back. And even then I'll need to SEE he's serious. I doubt it will happen anytime soon.

 

Oh by the way, the Wherry is a hotel he took me to for my 19th birthday. We had a lot of fun there He changes machines for his work.

[CatsMeeoow]

I've often found that you can't discern emotion or tone or intent from a text....

 

I have mis-interpeted many texts from my ex... I put meaning in them he never intended.

 

So maybe him bringing up the hotel was a way to open lines of communication. Maybe he just isnt comfortable talking about the "I miss you stuff"?

 

Maybe a direct "I'm doing fine... I'd love to chat soon if you are up to it... please let me know"

 

That is direct.

 

You do what you need to do for yourself and that very well could be NC. But, I found all too often I let my feelings get hurt from texts which were never intended for that purpose.

 

Hang in there!

[Zorba]

OK he may be sending some mixed signals, but I have to be honest you're coming accross exactly as he described you. Needy over reactionary and variable. Now I know and realise and indeed sympathise with you as you're in a bad place at the moment, but for your own sake you need to try to change that in you. Forget him this is for you and any future relationship you have with him or any other guy. If not you may find yourself in the same position down the line, or worse they'll stay but disregard you as a "emotional" and treat you like a child. Not good and I can think of two relationships that I know where the man thinks like that.

[AngryHeart]

I think today I blew any chance of us getting back together. I acted like a complete needy, emotional unstable wimp (which I am.....) I cannot talk to this guy without it leading to me telling him I miss him,etc. And today I really went OTT. I was pratically beggin' him, and beggin' him to do something to help me I know I need to deal with my own issues...I need pro. help AGAIN. I will get some. But in the meantime I can't seem to stay away from texting him, but I just HAVE TO. I'm ruining any chance, and I'm ruining myself, and I'm probably giving him a hard time too. I don't think he knows what to do, cause he doesn't respond when I say those things. I'm such an idiot, why couldn't I just stayed in NC?? Now I feel really weak, desperate, and guilty.

[Muzatsu]

Heart, seeing as you and I are in a similar age range, I can probably relate to your feelings all too well. Believe me, I have acted as you have, and find it hard to just be friends with someone that I love, while the other person pretends that everything is fine and dandy. But time will always make things a little more bearable. As of now, you must keep NC, or you will push him farther and farther, something that I have done one too many occasions in my own situation.

 

Even though I have faced the reality that my ex does not want to be with me and doesn't feel the same, I prefer to live in a fantasy world in which he is just lying to me and that one day he will regret his mistakes and come back.

[AngryHeart]

Thank you.

 

Yeah, I know. I have to try my very hardest to do NC until I am A) Healed, B) OK enough to REALLY just be his friend, or C) HE asks for ME back, and I know that things could be sorted this tme. Unless one of those 3 happens I need to stay away from him for my own sanity, if not his aswell. I don't KNOW if he is stressed or whatever by this - but he may be. I'm gonna guess it's not entirely easy for him as he's not a BAD person. I don't think he is bad at all, I just think he's either confused, or wants to live the single life more than be with me ebcause he is so used to it. Well, I dunno why...I guess I smothered him also. But whatever real reason...for now he doesn't want me, and I can't be just his friend. I am not going to have my phone with me so much, and I'm not going to keep checking it all the time I went out tonight and I left my phone at home just incase!

[circi]

But in the meantime I can't seem to stay away from texting him, but I just HAVE TO. I'm ruining any chance, and I'm ruining myself, and I'm probably giving him a hard time too. Now I feel really weak, desperate, and guilty.

 

Look at what you wrote. You know that what you're doing is just pushing him away further. You know what you're doing is making you feel even worse. You CAN stay away from texting him - you just don't want to. Are you willing to live with the consequences of what you know is going to happen if you don't stop?

 

I know you're hurting, and I'm truly sorry for that.

Just food for thought.

[Muzatsu]

Going out and having a good time, as well as studying (I am assuming you are taking college courses) will lessen your focus on your ex. So far it's worked for me. It's that empty space between recreation and class when I ruminate about the ex. Make sure to be with friends and also try to meet new people because you never know what will happen.

[AngryHeart]

I know, I know. I can do NC, it's just really hard. But I'm going to try........again.

 

And yeah...got to try and get out there too.

 

I'll live, I'll be OK in time!

[Muzatsu]

that's the spirit!

[AngryHeart]

Damn straight. He's just one person in the world

[watermelon]

Im your age too, honestly NC is the way to go. 2 years ago I broke up with my boyfriend (of 6 days btw...) he stalked me harassed me practically threatened me saying he had nothing left in his life, kept sedning me text messages asking me why it happened etc. at first i responded but after a while i started to ignore it he was so needy so unnatractive and so easy, not things any person is really attracted to. a few weeks later he got the picture and stopped contact, i started to miss him and would text him occasionally although i still didnt want him back, however 2 months after we broke up he was playing it really cool and was the guy i facnied when i first met, i couldnt resist! next 2 years were the best ever and im so glad i gave him a chance, but i would never have gone back after his constant harassment-its NOT ATTRACTIVE. you need to go NC for your own self respect. one of 2 things will come out of it 1) you will be over him 2) hell come back and hopefully if 1 happens you can forge a friendship. i know its hard but you hae t think what he is thinking needy desperate harrasing people are not attractive give him space, he may come back, if not you still have your self respect, will be over him ,a stronger person, and will do much better in your next relationship. it just takes time. if you really cant stop txt him, delete his number or change it to a fake one. its tough but you will be ok eventually good luck xxx