I'm unintentionally hurting other people

[Unhumble]

I have the impression that - especially in the recent months - I'm coming accross to people in a way that I don't intend to. I have the feeling that others are hurt by what I say. Or see me as a cynic, which isn't what I am.

 

I'm usually a "good guy", but recently many girls even literally told me "I don't want to talk to you anymore." which is - to me - very surprising.

As if they were somehow annoyed by me.

 

There must have been some change in my tone, in my sense of humor, and I don't like it because it's probably also related to my chronic pain...

 

What is it that's changing in me?

Am I becoming arrogant?

 

Can anyone here help me or give me some advice on how to self-assess myself?

[elite867]

Hi Unhumble,

 

Based on what you have said, all I can say is think bout what happened in your relations with others that drove them off.

 

You see, I also have the problem of coming off the wrong way at times. I never had someone flat out say to me they did not want to be my friend anymore - but I have had people give me the cold shoulder.

 

In this situation, I like to ask what the problem is. The only problem with asking what the problem is - is that you might actually get an answer!

 

It is a rude awakening to have someone tell you exactly why they may not like you - but you have to listen and understand where the other person is coming from if you want to change.

 

I hope I was helpful!

[Unhumble]

Yeah, for example today I tried to ask one girl and she just looked at me in an annoyed/insulted manner and said f-off. Do you understand?"

And I don't even know why

[elite867]

Well, either this person is just incredibly insensitive or she was really hurt or offended. Either way, I think you may be better off - she has a reason for not wanting to associate with you and you will just have to accept it.

 

I oftentimes have a very hard time dealing with the fact that not everybody likes me. I wish I could be friends and get along with everyone and I always wish that the guys I like would like me back - but it is not the case...c'est la vie....

 

I am sorry that I am not being more helpful

[Unhumble]

The problem here I think is a matter of communication; one party (usually the others) makes an assumption about me without me even knowing it, thereby not allowing me to defend myself.

 

I don't think it has to do with "being friends with everyone"; I think it's rather a matter of how to keep old friends without letting them misunderstand...

 

I would need some advice on how to confront them; I don't want to be pushing but I have to find a way to "trap" them (not literally, I mean by some abstract way) so that they will confess the reason without snubbing around...

[elite867]

All I can say is that I have tried confronting people before on certain issues and it usually ends up blowing up in my face and the relationship is truly over - if it wasn't already.

 

Perhaps you were right in everything you said and did and it is unjustified for them to not want to be friends with you - you cannot control others.

 

In my humble opinion, if you cannot have a conversation with a friend without 'trapping' them, literally or otherwise, they are not worth having.

 

Does anyone else have any suggestions?????

[Unhumble]

Even though they might not be worth having, I'd at least like to know the reason why they just sever the ties without any apparent reason (or, if there is a reason, at least I want to know what it is!).

 

Maybe did I really hurt them and they're just playing proud, or they actually think that I'm purposely acting as if I don't know...?

That's why I don't want to risk misunderstanding them.

[elite867]

I understand that you want to know - but all I am saying is that if they don't want to talk to you, you will only make the situation worse by purshing it. Trust me, I have been in these situations and its hurts - but it can be way more painful....

 

Every person can rationalize their behaviors, even if it is wrong - it always seems rational to the person behaving that way. People do not usualy act a certain way knowing it is bad or mean - they think it is good. This goes for me, for you and for them.

 

They think they are right, despite if they aren't. You think you are right even if you are not and in a situation like this, it is possible to aggrivate them to the point that they take action against you.

 

I am not saying that they would, I am just saying to be careful and try to let it go even though it is hard and heartbreaking to do it.

[Pinkbunny]

Explain to the person it was not your intention to hurt them and that you apologize. Take responsiblity for what you did that it was wrong. Then see how the other person reacts. Be patient. It may take the other person a while before they forgive you. Hell they may never forgive you, but at least you can own up to what you did, and get on with life.

[Pinkbunny]

Also you talk about chronic pain, but don't explain it in detail. What do you mean by this?

[Unhumble]

Also you talk about chronic pain, but don't explain it in detail. What do you mean by this?

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I actually have a completely different "non verbal communication / body language" ever since it started, so I also thought that it might be negatively affecting the way I communicate...?

[Unhumble]

Hmm, but think about it: if they really come to the point to physically confront me, I will somehow find out the reason in some way.

They will either blurt it out, or - since all violence somehow spreads through gossip - she will eventually tell someone the true reason and I will find it out through secondary sources of information.

What do you think?