Second place, am I justified in being angry?

[shygirl23]

My boyfriend (we are in a serious relationship) and I just had an argument (he broke plans with me because of yet another "family thing") and he told me that he "couldn't help it" but that his family will "always come first because he can fall back on them."

 

This made me really angry. Should it have?

[Mythical_Suicide]

Depends on what sort of "family thing" it was.

 

I think it's great to always make sure family comes first, after all it is true blood is thicker than water. But at the same time, he should still make time for you.

 

How long have yall been dating?

[Hope75]

What sort of a family thing is it?

 

Is it something you can be invited along to?

 

Does his family like you?

[Timebandit]

Depends on so many things. What family stuff, which plans did he break, how long have you been dating etc?

 

We need more info.

[shygirl23]

Dating since very early June.

 

Just a random day spent doing nothing in particular with family. They do like me but I wasn't invited along and never am.

 

This happens ALL THE TIME. Literally, about 75% of our plans get broken because of "family things."

[shygirl23]

If we are serious enough to have future marriage plans then I think I should be equal to "family."

 

I cannot get truly serious with someone who will cast me aside for anyone.

 

He also does this same thing for "friends." Despite however longstanding our plans had been.

 

Something always comes up and I just keep getting angrier and angrier but he accuses me of being the bad one.

 

Edit: I know that he needs time with friends and family but it always interferes with plans we had already made together and then he never calls me as soon as he finds out he must break them, but rather sends a text message (unacceptable communication platform for serious things, in my opinion) to inform me at the last minute.

 

For example, today we had plans starting at 1:00. Instead of calling at 11:00 when he first found out about "family things," he waited until 12:35 and then got ticked because I was mad.

[Timebandit]

You can be as angry as you like. But I don't think being angry is very productive. Neither do I don't think that you ever get to change other people nor decide what they should do. His way of dealing with this not particualr sensitive, I agree with that. On the other side, you are two people with each your needs.

 

What you can do is to tell him what it means to you to be ignored - but do it in a firm but gentle way. Then listen really hard to him giving his version. Make sure he feels understood and that you understand his view too.

 

Once you are on equal footing, you can let him make his decision, or perhaps you can even make a compromise. Based on that, you can decide what you want to do with the relationship.

[shygirl23]

I can't get him to understand how badly it hurts that he always refuses to call or even answer my calls.

 

I just want a little common courtesy to make up for always being left in the dust, but he isn't even willing to do that.

 

I don't know how to bring it up anymore without it turning into a fight. I am tired of feeling guilty about it, I think it's his turn to make a change.

 

But that attitude isn't going to get me very far either.

[shygirl23]

Oh, and he doesn't understand that there will be arguments. Every little spat, he'll start making little threats hinting at him considering a breakup. Even over the most minor things.

 

I fight with him a million times less than I have with other guys in the past and he's never had a real relationship before (only

 

He doesn't understand about fulfilling other needs in a serious context and I don't know how to make him see it.

 

A minor disagreement every couple of weeks isn't very bad in my opinion. Not worth him trying to make me feel so horrible about it.

[Timebandit]

Oh, and he doesn't understand that there will be arguments. Every little spat, he'll start making little threats hinting at him considering a breakup. Even over the most minor things.

 

.....

 

He doesn't understand about fulfilling other needs in a serious context and I don't know how to make him see it.

 

 

I could be that this guy is just too immature to be in a committed relationship. I don't think it is your job to teach him how to behave, as he should already know this (with a bit of corrective feedback from time to time).

 

The only thing I don't know if you have tried, is actually listening and understanding his point. When he gets all up and defensive, it is quite likely because he does not feel that you understand his point. So you could try that.

 

Besides that you have three choices here. You can:

- stay in the relationship and hate it

- stay in the relationship and be happy despite his failings

- leave

[annie24]

i think you are right - if you two are engaged to be married (or are on that track), then i don't understand why you aren't invited along to the family events. seems to me that it would put you in that league. have you said that to him (ie, if you marry, you become family!)

 

You haven't been dating for all that long though - 6 months is not a very long time. Do you think maybe he does not take the relationship as seriously as you do? i think it's pretty disrespectful if he is making plans with you, but then breaks them. that is very inconsiderate of your time. i would talk to him about honoring his committments.

 

what are the other things you two disagree about?

[shygirl23]

He brought up the marriage thing before I did so I would hope he feels the same. I flat-out asked him the other night if he was happy with our relationship and he said yes. It's only ever with these dumb little fights that he starts hinting otherwise and I think he just does it to "punish" me.

 

And we only ever fight about him breaking our plans, refusing to call/answer phone calls, and my bad habit of correcting him (which I kept my promise and worked on it and I haven't corrected him in a quite a while now).

 

Oh and we also argue because he doesn't listen to me. We always do what he wants to do and I go out of my way to make him happy constantly. He doesn't really do the same. But when I bring it up, he says that he treats me the best that he can. And nothing gets solved. Just more plans broken.

 

I wouldn't mind if it wasn't so often.

[annie24]

so if he says, 'let's go out for pizza' and you say, 'no, we've done that the last 5 times, and i don't even like pizza, how about we get chinese instead?' would he throw a fit? now, you can compromise, by either taking turns choosing the restaurant/movie, etc.... or you can go to a place that serves both.... both good ways to compromise.... but i think it is selfish for one person to always do the choosing.

 

it sounds like he doesn't really know how to be in a relationship....

 

when he breaks plans, how do you react? i think it's important to tell him that he would never break plans with his boss or his coworkers, so why is it ok to do that to a gf? that's what i don't understand.

[shygirl23]

No, he wouldn't throw a fit over that. He isn't quite that bad.

 

I don't understand why he'd do that to a girlfriend either. But he told me today that his family comes first. So I know that I'm not the most important person in his life, even though he is in mine. I break plans with family all the time to do things with him and go way out of my way to make things convenient for him.

 

He called me one day because he had a bad dream that had upset him and I went right over. If I called him crying, something seriously wrong, he wouldn't do the same. I know this from experience.

 

Family should be important to him, but he has broken my plans for the past month for family. And I am still waiting on my turn.

 

I can't marry someone if I am not THE most important person in their life. That's what a serious commitment is.

 

But even without marriage in the picture, I can't handle always getting shut out. I don't know why he can't say no to family just once, so he won't have to stand me up.

 

Actually, if he would just acknowledge it and come clean, I could let it all slide. But he won't even do that. It's somehow my fault.

[theartofruin]

I'd be upset too in that position. As timebandit mentioned, some people are too immature to understand what a relationship is about. I've been in that position before where I get cancelled on for friends (and nothing important!) and it's a real sickener. The one person you should be able to rely on, the one person who you think wants to spend time with you no matter what, and they treat you like that. I've no idea why people do it. But I don't think in the longterm this is somebody who you are compatible with; you won't be able to change him, and I seriously doubt he think he is doing anything wrong.

[annie24]

i think you should stop bailing on your friends and family for him. i also think he sounds very immature. and i wouldn't get more serious with this man until he shows he is serious about you.

 

i would have a serious talk with him about respecting your time. ie, i am a busy person, and if someone cancelled on me like that, i would give them one more chance, and after that, the relationship would be off for good (unless they had a super duper good excuse like they were in the hospital or had to take their brother to the hospital, etc....)

[shygirl23]

I'm sorry that happened to you too, but it is a relief to know that I'm not the only one bothered by it.

[annie24]

no, you're not the only one bothered by it, and don't let your boyfriend make you think that you are being unreasonable. it is not! my friends and i are all busy people, and we wouldn't disrespect each other by doing that. i had a friend that was doing that a while back, i had a talk with him about it, and he stopped.

 

whenever your bf cancels plans on you, you are stuck inside your house when you could have made plans with your friends instead, gone out of town, gone to a show, etc.... it is disrespectful for him to go off and have fun with his family while you are sitting at home twiddling your thumbs. not cool.

[Hope75]

I agree with Annie that he's definitely not respecting his commitments to you or your time.

 

5 months is not really that long a time, and so while I don't think you equate 'family' just yet (not engaged and a short term relationship) that does not make it OK to just blow you off for hanging out with family repeatedly.

 

I think you need to confront him about it and tell him that you love him but are not willing to keep wasting your time making plans with him knowing there is a good chance he will blow them off to do something with his family.

 

Tell him you like his family and would be more than happy the be included in their plans but if he continues to blow you off frequently you are going to have to re-evaluate if this relationship is right for you, because someone who does not respect you and make you a priority is wasting your time and his.

[girliegirl67]

I may be going out on a limb here but to me it sounds like he has another girl. In my experience I've found that when someone gets that mad about you asking logical and fair questions or being legitimately angry then he is probably doing something he shouldn't be. If he isn't bringing you around friends and family, if he's blowing you off last minute, threatens break ups, I'd be highly suspicious. I feel you have every reason to be upset when canceled on with no warning especially if it's habitual. A one or two time event is understandable because things do come up. If your as seriously involved as you say I think you should sit him down and talk and IF he isn't willing to listen, gets mad at you, or does anything to start a fight then run...run as fast as you can and find someone who cares about you!

 

I'll also say that if a guy truly cares about you and loves you or is even really in "like" he will trip over his own feet to get to you!! Seriously! He would not be leaving you out of much!!

 

In light,

GG

[annie24]

^^^^^^ oh that is an excellent point. are you SURE he is single? if he isn't bringing you around to these functions, blowing you off, suddenly changing plans on you, yes, that is entirely possible he is seeing someone else.... that does add up, doesn't it?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, he could have someone else. On the other hand you haven't been dating that long so maybe he is not that serious about you that he wants to invite you to join in with his family. Forget about the marriage talk...lots of guys who want to get the woman hooked talk the marriage talk very early in the relationship. He is not being respectful of you and of your time. He sounds very selfish and self-involved. The threats to end the relationship if you disagree with him is not a good sign...that is emotional blackmail. This guy is very emotionally immature and you would be far better off without him.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Constantly changing plans without consulting with you / inviting you along and the hints about breaking up with you lead me to one conclusion: this guy isn't invested in your relationship. If he really cared about you, when you expressed being hurt, he'd be there for you. When you weren't okay with constantly being stood up, he wouldn't tell you that other people are more important than you. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a man who constantly upsets you and who you know wouldn't be there for you even if you called him crying?

[wiser]

How old is he? Does he still live with his family? If so, he's going to be very affected by family matters. That will change as he gets older, and eventually gets out on his own.

[shygirl23]

I'm positive that he isn't cheating. He just doesn't know how to say "no" to anyone but me.

 

I've been cheated on before by others, he doesn't fit the same mold.