Break up from a two year relationship and stuck...

[staircase]

I'm going through ambivalence. Broke up officially four days ago, was with him for two years. It was a mutual break up but so far he's taking it better than I am. Says he is at peace with the fact that we weren't meant to be and wants to remain friends. While I certainly agree that we were in something that just wasn't going to work, I still have pockets of time when I want to be back with him and I second guess my decision.

 

I want to be friends. On a rational level I can totally see that we shouldn't be together and I'd rather be doing the friends thing than having no contact, especially when he says the door is always open. On the other hand, I don't want to be getting into a friendship where it's possible that I'll want to get back together or I'll hurt hearing him talk so candidly about how he's moved on. No contact for now seems like self preservation.

 

How do I do this? No contact will save me from hearing about how he's moved on but being friends would mean that I could still talk to him and lessen the heartache in other ways, by feeling like I could still depend on him.

 

I'm so confused!

 

 

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You don't have to see the whole staircase to take the first step.

[orangesoda]

I think you've answered your own question.

 

Listen, you know what you have to do. You just don't relish the idea of it. But as hard as it will be, you must do NC until the morning comes when you rise out of bed and you know for sure that the emotions for him can no longer affect you.

 

That's the day when you can take him up on his offer of being friends. It sounds like that's an offer that has no deadline. It's an open ended one that you can take up when you are ready.

 

So I would say that you start your NC as soon as possible. You are certainly entitled to tell him that you need time away from each other to get over him and when you've gotten over him, then you can be friends.

 

It's simple in thought I know but hard to accomplish. Rely on friends, family, new hobbies, and new romances to help you along the way. The people on this board will walk with you every step, you know.

 

Wish you the best of luck, and hope you find peace of mind sooner rather than later.

[staircase]

Hi orangesoda, thanks for your kind words. What makes this tricky for me is that we've both been giving mixed messages.

 

ME: Although I have said I would prefer no contact I still called him when he argued that it made no sense to suffer alone and that I could call him anytime.

HIM: Although he said he wants to be friends he also said he wanted to kiss me and still found me attractive.

 

Hmmm. Just reading that through again really makes me see what a mess this is. The only thing pulling us back together is my desire to rely on him emotionally and his desire to rely on me physically...or is that being too simplistic?

[orangesoda]

It may be a good summary but I'll be the first to tell you, friends with benefits = disaster. Especially when feelings are involved. Sooner or later, someone gets hurt, and they get hurt bad. There's a good chance that it would ruin any future friendship.

 

It just isn't healthy to be part of each other's lives half-heartedly.

 

Maybe you both give each other mixed signals. Then it's time to sit down, have a heart to heart, and then make a decision.

 

Either you try to rekindle things or you go separate ways (for now).

 

Honestly, I think you deserve better. Don't settle for anything less than what you want. It may ease your pain to have the crumbs instead of going hungry (in a sense)...but it also means that you'll never get to enjoy a full meal until you give up that dependency (on the crumbs).

 

Sorry to be such a downer, but I do hope you two can reach some kind of healthy agreement.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, I agree. You need to go No Contact so that you can heal and see that you can make it without him in your life. You survived quite well before you got together and you will do just fine with him once again out of your life. Once you have both lost the dependency on each other, you might be able to become friends. Right now you want an emotional crutch and he wants a physical crutch and no good will come of that setup.