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Hello all,


I'm treading new waters here. My first post in this forum, as opposed to the getting back together post. It's official, no more reconciliation. Short story is:

3+ years together, lived together for while. Broke up 3 1/2 months ago. Tried two or three emails, one long....the other short and sweet " don't be mad anymore, call me." to no avail. I'm starting to feel like crap more more..just when I think I'm get back to square one.


I have finally started to email and call my two good friends and they tell me that she has been hanging out w/ the ol' gang of friends and I guess she's going out a lot now. But they said that they would rather have me, than her. They were all wondering what happened to me. They even asked the ex about me, to which she said she didn't know. I told them I didn't want to do the stereotypical going out and partying and reconnecting w/ friends bs right away...my approach was just to be alone for a while. And man, am I alone. My aloneness, has turned into loneliness. They understood, though. And they say that she is kind of annoying and pissy sometimes when they're all out and that she tries to hug and kiss everyone and blah blah blah...(is this typical girl post breakup behavior??..I didn't stick around for other ex's to really know)which, to be honest I'm happy for her that she's out reconnecting with the world...it just feels like I got left out in the process (self-imposed, I know, but I don't regret it) I work weekend nights but I have the next three weekend off, so I'm going to try to go out and have fun and get a life. And get a myspace, maybe...naw, not yet...


My friends say that she's cool but sometimes it's awkward, which, if we share friends, I really don't want it to be. Like I said I kind of felt said and sorry for myself that she has a life......then they said that she has a myspace now, and I just had to go look.......wow.....In her about me box this is what she says......"F. U. for wasting my time, A-hole she says she has no time for meaningless people and that she is resentful if her feelings get hurt. Oh, and that she likes guys that smell wonderful" hahaha.... * * * ?!?! Oh, and aslo that she's sick and tired of putting friends and family last...that's how I felt when I was with her. I couldn't go out by myself with the very friends she's out with now. (well, some of them anyways) This is not the girl I knew. I mean I DID know she was fiesty but this is downright hateful. I have told friends that I really hold nothing agaisn't her, even though she did some crappy things as well......I guess what I'm trying to say is that her true feelings have come out. I think she is trying to play the victim......Anyways, I don't know whay but this has given a little bit of a panic attack...I couldn't sleep at all....


Just the thought of her talking bs about me, (which now I don't put past her) or laughing at my emails just sickens me to the core....I feel like cowering in a hole and dying....but I won't. As much as that hurt, it's what I needed. To think, I was about to send another email. Good thing I did look @ that. I would like to be friends or even aquaintances or even FWB but nothing else, anymore. I realize that now. (Since my friends had not heard from me in a while, they thought she had killed me. Jesus.Had I really been that blind?)



The thing is, in my aloneness, I have learned to forgive her and myself (some days are harder than others.) I think she just put up her myspace a week or two ago. Are girls really that (effing) mean and vindictive? I know the answer, I guess I just want comments....Please someone a kind word.....I'm not that bad of a person (I didn't cheat or anything) Why do I feel so anxoius and scared and weird?


some thoughts?!?

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