Advice from a man on infidelity in a marriage..

[eltee]

If you find yourself cheating quite often on your wife (newly married)... where do you see the marriage going? Of course, you don't wanna hurt her, and of course you wanna try and hide it, but overall... do you as a man want to be in that type of marriage? When does it reach the breaking point for you to decide to get out, because this isn't what marriage is...this means something is wrong. Or is this what marriage is and I'm totally naive.

 

Don't hold back. I would like to know this (something like personal research for myself).

 

Thanks

eltee (female)

[Gilgamesh]

Well of course if a partner is cheating on their spouse, something is wrong, because why is he or she cheating? what are the reasons?

 

could be many things, lack of excitment, not enough sex, no love, etc. If problems cannot be worked out/resolved, its better that they separate because they are living a lie.

 

To me, a good relationship is based on trust, there can not be any after this happens.

 

everyone has the right to be happy, and shouldnt be in a relationship that makes them unhappy.

 

Now i know some peeps will say, hey but a man can stil love his wife, but wants a little variety on the side, well maybe thats true. but, I cant do it. and dont think if someone loves his wife or girlfriend he needs to do this.

 

So, if your not getting any at home, or the love and affection are gone, do everything to fix the problem, if you cannot, then divorce or breakup, then find someone new. not before.

[jaded4life]

Some say that it is not in our human nature to be monogamous. Personally, I feel very different, I believe the majority of our population perceive that if you cheat, you can not love your partner. Humans are very weak, we give into temptation so easily, not just of the sexual type but of all temptations. Certain personalities are affected more, not just a gender thing. People cheat for many reasons, some we may deem as more acceptable, some we look upon as being selfish and dirty.

Bottom line is that cheating hurts ppl, infidelity in a marriage is an ominous sign, no matter what time period it happens.

Personally, while I am in a commited realtionship and we are sexaully bonded, I feel as if my partner is sacred, no I do not believe he has never slept with other women, but I do not even think about that. All I know is that sex shared with someone I love is a very intimate, very personal expression. If your wife is like me, you have already lost her, call it a sixth sense but we know! The touch may be different, the emotion you express, there is a certain look in a lovers eyes that has betrayed you.

Of course not all couples share this depth and it may go on for years and create no problems for your partner, as they will never know.

It all depends on your perception of sex, is it a physical need, emotional need? Some couples are swingers and have no problem sharing their partners, it will all depend upon the individuals perception.

I perceive you to be wrong, yet I am not your partner, understand?

The only other advice I have for you is for you to practice safe sex, receive counseling and give your wife the honesty she deserves as a human, be man enough to tell her, give her the chance to find a faithful, lasting love.

[eltee]

this is great feedback. It helps me to hear what other people think. But to clarify, I am a woman who knows a man who is cheating on his wife and it hurts me cause I care for this man... i'm staying at arm's length away from him, because i too believe marriage shoud be respected. i just want to understand where "my friend" is coming from. Why he is in a 3 month old marriage (knew the girl for 8 years) cheating on her behind her back... why not get out... is he afraid to hurt her? is he afraid to be the "bad guy"? Yes, there are obviously problems in their marriage and yes, only he can figure it out... but i'm just wondering if men ever do "figure it out". If men can live a lie in a marriage and be fine with it... or are we all human beings with breaking points??

[Gilgamesh]

Its really sad when someone hurts another like that, and themselfs eventually.

 

I feel sorry for people that cannot commit and find happiness in just one person.

 

You may be a friend with this person, but there is little you can do to change him. its who he is by nature. he can only change himself and only when he wants to.

[clearwater]

You are in a tough spot.

I think that since you are friends with the man, you should discuss the situation with him. Assure him that you will not discuss it with anyone else--and hold to it. Do NOT tell his wife (unless you think he is putting her life in jeopardy). But he needs to know that he's not "getting away" with anything, that you--his friend--are holding him accountable for his actions. And in talking to you about his situation, not only will you gain some insight into why your friend is behaving this way, but I would think that your friend might also gain some insight into his own behaviour. And maybe by having someone to talk to, he will come to realize that the time to get out is NOW--and not after 5, 10 or 30 years of a miserable marriage.