I feel like this relationship is going nowhere

[tf987]

I'm in about the strangest relationship I've ever been in, and I'm starting to think hard that it is time to end it; I just don't think it is going anywhere and I think it will be much harder to end it later... much more painful.

 

The thing is, I'm staying in it because I feel lonely, and I will feel even more so if I leave her. But I don't feel good much of the time around her. I have the sense that any spark she once felt for me is gone, and I feel like she is still only with me because she hasn't met anybody else... though I feel like she is looking for somebody else.

 

I've never been with anybody that makes me feel this way, but whenever other guys are around, single guys, any PDA that could have been going on with me seems to disappear. I've asked her about this, and she says it is a complaint she has heard all of her life, and she is trying hard to not be that way... but that doesn't change how it makes me feel.

 

We bought tickets to go to San Diego for the holidays, she put the tickets on her credit card. This was a couple of weeks ago, and I took this as a sign that she is serious about me, but I still can't escape the insecure feelings I have when I'm with her. Even when I'm in her bed I sometimes feel alone.

 

This is strange. I've been in many long term relationships, and never felt this way around anybody that I've been with for more than a few months... we've been together almost 6 months.

 

She comes from a family that is rather broken... her mom has been married 4 times, and she abandoned her for a year with her dad when she was an infant... I know she has issues, but when I try to talk to her about any of this stuff she just pushes me away.

 

I'm so torn. I like her... in spite of all this stuff we can have a blast together, and have great talks, and have great intimacy, but I don't know how to be in a relationship with her... or I don't know if she knows how to be in one... though we talk a lot about it and she says she is trying harder with me.

 

But I can't escape the feeling that she is not being honest with me about her recent relationship past. She has been in contact with 3 former boyfriends since we have started dating - she has told me - and two of them want her back - the other is now engaged. Why is she still in contact with them? She told me one is supposed to be NC, but the other and her have so many mutual friends that she can't do the NC thing with him.

 

I stayed at her place last night, and again awoke feeling alone. She would hardly cuddle with me in the night. I got up to leave in the early morning, and she asked me what was wrong. I told her I feel like she has lost any spark for me. She said she is just stressed because it is finals week in grad school, and things will be better next week when finals are over.

 

The thing is, I'm really bad at leaving women. It is easier for me once I lose attraction to them, but I'm still very attracted to her, she is very sexy. I just don't feel good around her, emotionally. It all feels empty... like we are going through the motions, but forming no emotions.

 

I hate this time of the year too, days are short, rainy, and the last thing I want to do is face these days having just ended a relationship.... but the prospect of San Diego with her is just 2 weeks away.

 

Sorry this is so stream of consciousness, but I just had to type this out. Maybe somebody out there will see something in all of that that I'm not seeing. Who knows, maybe things really will be better in a week when she is done with finals?

 

I've confronted her with the trust stuff and her ex boyfriends... she says she can't help the one guy breaking the NC... she has told him again. The says I just have to trust her. I feel like telling her that trust is earned.

[Poe]

Sounds like she has intimacy issues, but I see no reason in anything that you have said that justifies your leaving her. Just because she isn't as emotionally responsive as you are, or as you would like her to be, doesn't mean she isn't trying. She might be. Coming from a broken family really can destroy someones whole world and the way they relate to people.

 

I can really relate to what you are saying. A few girlfriends ago, I had one like this. It felt like if she could have had me have sex with her from accross the room, she would have. It was emotionless, passionless, dry... and I'm like ok she's obviously attracted to me, what am I missing here?

 

I did alot of reading into the subject because I eventually broke it off. Not for your reasons, but there were alot of drugs and lies, and I just got fed up with giving her benefit of the doubt. I don't regret it at all. She told me herself she didn't know how to be in a relationship. But if your girl is trying to do the best she can, you might want to give her some breathing room.

 

Ask yourself though if she is worth the investment to you. It may be some time before she opens up. Can you handle that? It might be a year or two at least before she even begins to talk about stuff. Keep in mind it's nothing personally, but talking about painful experiences is... well, painful. Would you want to talk about the most painful experiences in your life? Maybe the best thing you could do for her is NOT talk about those things.

 

Also, do you have reasons for not trusting her? If she is honest and candid with you, and does nothing to display that she is untrustworthy, why not take her at her word when she said that this guy breaks NC? If she's getting random phone calls, texts, goes out and doesnt tell you where she is... then that's a different thing.

 

She's probably lonely as hell, because everything she is doing to protect herself is isolating her as well. Ask yourself if she's worth the time. In my case, I would have stayed were it not for the drugs and the lies. But some people deal with emotional trauma better than others.

[sidehop]

Welcome to ENA!

 

The thing is, I'm staying in it because I feel lonely, and I will feel even more so if I leave her. But I don't feel good much of the time around her.

 

And you shouldn't feel this way if you were in a secure, happy relationship who you would not question or be afraid of having thought of being alone.

 

It just reminds me of my friend who dated her ex for five years...the last two years she said he was like a roommate, no sparks, no intimate talks of any kind including marriage & children. She only stayed because she felt comfortable. It got to the point where enough was enough.

 

To me I think you're just hoping that she will change or trying to see her finals as a valid excuse. But I think you do see the big picture already. She may come from an unstable family and perhaps she may or may not change. You sound like someone that likes to have deeper conversation with your partner and I feel she's just not the right person for you right now.

 

And the holidays do suck when it comes to this sort of situation but...the new year's is coming and change is a very good thing. I think you'll be happier to be with someone you can truly care and love and at the same time get the same back.

[sun]

The thing is, I'm staying in it because I feel lonely, and

 

Personally I think that a person should be with another one because there are in love with each other.

[tf987]

She blames a lot of this stuff on the stress she is experiencing while in grad school. It is very time consuming, and she has to work 20 hours a week to pay some bills, and she has to do this volunteer but required work a couple of days a week... so not a lot of free time. She is also getting deeper and deeper into student loan debt (almost 100K she told me). Anyway, she gets frustrated when I don't seem to understand the stress she is under... I try, but at the same time I want a fairly "normal" relationship, and from my perspective, the stress seems to have the biggest impact on her time with me... she is still able to spend some time with her other friends, she gets to go to the gym, etc.

 

And we have these 2 tickets to San Diego to use... she says things will be better over the holiday break... but I don't recall things being much better over the fall break... she was stressed then too.

 

I feel like I should not put up with this stuff, except I like her a lot compared to some other women I've dated in the last couple of years... so I put up with it but at the same time feel like I'm not getting what I want out of it... and what is the point of being in a relationship out of which I'm not getting what I want? The sex is great - though not as frequent as I'd like (but hey, I'm a guy) - but sometimes (not during or after sex) she just seems so distant and acts like she is pushing me away.

[sidehop]

Sounds like she is VERY busy but if it's interfering with the relationship you two should really talk about it. I don't blame her for being stressed, I can't imagine going to grad school and working, only because I have a friend who's doing the same is under a lot of stress.

 

Talk to her about it more when you guys have more time for yourselves. I hope you two the best!