He moved out with no warning after seven years... please help

[desertlover]

My boyfriend and I had been together for seven and a half years. We’d had our ups and downs, but I would not hesitate to say we both loved each other very much still. We just clicked in an indescribable way.

 

One night he doesn’t come home from work around his usual time. He is a cook, so that time varies widely, so I waited for a few hours before I really started to worry. I called him a bunch of times and finally several hours later I drove by his work to see if he is still there. He had never not come home after work before, so I was worried something bad had happened. His truck was still there, so I figured that for some reason he had to work unusually late. He finally calls me at about 4:00 am. He says he had been at the hospital. He had heart palpitations and his work took him. He had been there for something like seven or eight hours. I asked him why he didn’t call me and he said he didn’t think to, that he didn’t realize how long he was there. I was very upset that he didn’t call me, but after I told him that I dropped it. He had been diagnosed with extremely high blood pressure, and I didn’t want to raise it.

 

He was put on toporol, which made him incredibly tired. He fell asleep basically as soon as he got home every night and slept basically until he had to get ready for work the next day. He also became completely uncommunicative. This frustrated me, but I chalked it up to the medicine and tried not to press it too much.

 

He went to a regular doctor about a week after the hospital for further diagnosis. The doctor told gave him more toporol for the high blood pressure and also Zoloft for depression. He also told him he needed to change his life due to the high blood pressure. I was happy the doctor had given him something for depression. I am pretty against prescription meds, but my boyfriend is not and I felt like he needed something. I thought it might help him turn a corner.

 

Well, he was on the Zoloft for about two to three weeks. He hated it. He said it made him feel confused, dizzy and “spaced out.” He said he didn’t know what he was doing. He was increasingly distant. The doctor told him to give it more time to work. I kept thinking things would get better. We’d had rough times befor,e and I thought we’d get through it.

 

One day he had off work. We never had the same work schedules. So he accompanied me to pick up some groceries and we had a great time. We were laughing. Things seemed pretty normal. He drove us home, and I got ready for work. He then hugged me for a long time, kissed me and stood in the doorway smiling and waving good bye as I walked to my car.

 

When I came home that night his stuff was gone.

 

I went over to his mother’s apartment. (His mother had recently moved into our apartment complex after a divorce with his dad. His dad had been seeing another woman for some time. My boyfriend was very angry about this. I thought it hurt him enough that he would never repeat his actions.)

 

His father was at the apartment. His mother had called him because Adam was “out of control” as his dad described. His dad met me at the door and told me he was there but that he preferred that I didn’t see him because he had been drinking and wasn’t in a good place. He also said “I was under the impression that you knew he moved out.” I said no, I had no idea he was going to.

 

So. I stayed in our apartment about three more weeks and then I moved back in with my parents because I was unable to afford my own place right away. During this time he came over almost nightly. He was still distant, but we talked a little. We also had sex one of those nights, and it was very emotional and great. Eventually it got to be the night before I was moving and he still had stuff there. I packed it up for him and helped him carry it to his car.

 

He explained to me he didn’t know what he was doing that night he moved out. He said he hadn’t planned it ahead of time. He said he felt like he was in a haze. Yet he did not want to get back together or try counseling.

 

Since I moved back to my parents I have talked to him frequently. It has been two months and a week since I moved. His has come and visited me at my parents and we went for walks holding hands and also hooked up again one of the times.

 

Basically I keep dreaming that we will get back together. He is still experiencing side effects from his medication, and I worry about him. I told myself I would be there for him during this time. I was upset that he had moved out like that, but I pushed it aside because I wanted him back and I also wasn’t sure if it was his medication that partially caused it. He also recently had the prescriptions doubled (two weeks ago.)

 

During this time he has gone through periods of not speaking to me. I asked him if he didn’t want to talk, and he said he didn’t know. He never told me to stop calling, so I continued to speak with him. He has also said he misses me. When he doesn’t talk to me, he has had a plethora of reasons as to why. The night before Thanksgiving he did not call me when he got off work and when I talked to him the next day balling, he apologized profusely. He kept repeating “I am so sorry. I am so sorry.” He makes me feel like he wants to be with me, but he won’t. I am so confused.

 

I have asked him several times if he was seeing someone and the answer was always no.

 

Well, this morning I called him and a female picked up his phone. I asked to speak with him and she asked me to not call him until Monday. She said they were going on a road trip and didn’t want it ruined by me calling. Then she hung up.

 

I was upset, so I called back later and she answered again. She refused to let me talk to him, saying he was driving and it was snowing. I told her calmly that I had asked him several times if he was seeing anyone and he had said no, so I was wondering if they were indeed seeing each other. She said yes. I asked how long it’s been and she said she wasn’t going to answer that. I asked to speak with him so he could tell me. I felt that after seven years, I had the right to hear it from his mouth. She hung up.

 

I do not know if this relationship was started after he moved out or before. Is it wrong of me to feel that, even if it was after, this still counts as being unfaithful? I feel like we were still very much emotionally involved with each other based on our phone conversations.

 

So that’s where I am at right now. At this point I am angry that he wouldn’t admit to this. I am trying to tell myself that this is it. This is the point where it has become unforgivable, but I worry that tomorrow I’ll just miss him again. I have been so hurt by this whole ordeal, and yet I miss him SO much.

 

I cry basically every day nonstop. I’ve been going to work for months now with swollen eyes. I’ve lost ten pounds from not eating. I don’t do it on purpose; I just don’t feel hungry. When I do feel hungry I take one or two bites bite and then feel sick.

 

My friends have been supportive and all say don’t talk to him. I just can’t get past this urge to talk with him. I feel crazy that I want to talk to him so badly after all he has put me through. I don’t know where the strong woman I thought I was went to. I feel weak and pathetic. I don’t know how I can hurt so much after several months. I haven’t made any progress. All day long I obsess over what has happened, and I don’t know how to stop that. Reading these boards has been the first thing that has made me feel like my feelings are sane.

 

I just can’t get over it. He was (is?) truly a good man. I know this deep down. This is not the man I have known for eight years. I can’t reconcile this change. I love this man and I wanted to marry him. How do I move on from something that I dedicated so much of my life so far to?

 

I am sorry this is so long. This board is the first place I have encountered that made me feel like others understood. Someone please help me understand his behavior.

 

Please help me get over this. Thanks for your help.

[Catatonic]

I'm really sorry for you're going through this desertlover.

 

It sounds to me like your bf might have become traumatized or distraught from his hospital ordeal. His medication may also be affecting him and inducing him to act uncharacteristically. I'm not sure though since I'm not familiar with the side effects of Zoloft.

 

Right now it sounds like your friends are right. It's hurting you too much to be in contact with him and who knows if/when he's going to snap out of it. Maybe he'll get better and come back but maybe he won't. You can't wait around forever for him, you have to take care of yourself.

 

Take care.

[Nixee]

Oh dear

 

That is a very sad story, and I am so sorry you are in so much pain right now.

 

I don't blame you at all for feeling like he was unfaithful. Her refusal to answer when you asked how long it has been is something of a giveaway. Him moving out so suddenly is another. I'd even say the night he went to the hospital and didn't call could have possibly been a clue.

 

Basically, someone doesn't just up and leave all they have behind in such an abrupt manner unless they feel they have something else worth pursuing.

 

My own ex also ended things with me after 7 years and began a relationship with someone else right away. I felt very cheated on, though he swore nothing physical happened while we were still together. It didn't matter though... he'd stopped loving me and started loving her, and he left me for her.

 

With us though, it wasn't so sudden. We were fighting, we had problems. But that didn't make it any easier. I was crushed.

 

This last year for me has been hard. But I did get through it. And so will you.

 

The main thing for you to focus on right now is YOU, not him. He has confused you, led you on... shame on him. But you can't sit around expecting him to just come back, or for him to give you your closure either. You just have to accept that this is the choice he has made and take care of your own life.

 

I highly recommend cutting contact with him as soon as you feel strong enough to do so. It took me a long time to get to that point, but it has helped a lot.

 

Just like you, I also thought my guy was "the one". Seven years is a very long time. I was madly in love with him... he was my world.

 

He is now engaged to the woman he left me for. Only a few months after he left me he was able to propose.

 

It is hard to imagine that is the same man I knew and loved. But what choice do I have? You will be able to accept things in time, because you must. I deserve better, and so do you. You will get through things. Take care of yourself. And keep posting here.. .there are lots of wonderful people who really do understand!

[desertlover]

Thanks for your replies. I appreciate the support so very much.

 

Catatonic,

I have looked into the side effects of Zoloft on many message boards. I read one person whose husband did something very similar after being on it (moved out with no warning, only with her case kids were unfortunately involved). His confusion and haziness seems common. I just don't know at what point I can stop blaming the drug and truly blame him. I feel like it is the drug, then if I love him, I should be there to see him through it. I felt that way basically up until today, when I talked to the girl. I guess I don't anymore.

 

Nixee,

Thanks for sharing your story. I started crying when I read it. I appreciate you sharing it because I feel as though you really relate. I hope I can be as strong as you.

 

carriebradshawny,

I am 25 and he is 26. Things were not the best between us before the hospital, but I had no idea they were beyond working out. I guess it was worse than I realized for him. He brought up a lot of issues he had after he moved out. He never was a strong communicator and is good at hiding his emotions. He's pretty quiet and I've learned to deal with that over the years.

 

I do know he was at the hospital because my mom works there. She looked at his records to see what tests they performed since my dad has gone through a similar thing with high blood pressure. I was also surprised his work didn't call me. He works at a large place and was taken to the hospital by security, so it wasn't anyone who would have known to call me. I asked him who his emergency contact was (me or his mom) and he said he couldn't remember. Regardless, neither of us was called. I also asked him much later if he didn't call me because someone else had accompanied him to the hospital. He swears no one did (but then again, up until now he had sworn he wasn't seeing anyone). He did not have his cell on him, as his work does not allow them in the building. So it was in his car and security took him over, so he didn't get to go to his car to grab his cell. He claims he didn't think to ask to use the hospital's phone. Sigh.

 

I agree that it was callous and cowardly for him to have her tell me like that. I know this. Which is why I feel like I am finally (cross my fingers) feeling strong enough to not talk to him again. I just worry I don't have that strength. I tend to wake up and have this overwhelming urge to talk with him at all costs.

 

When you say "I would wager that this relationship with the other female has been going on awhile," I was really caught off guard. I honestly hadn't thought that. I thought it was perhaps shortly before he moved out at most. I had been too busy thinking about his medications and health condition. I guess I will have to think further about that.

 

Thanks again for listening.

[desertlover]

You're straight forward with your advice, and I appreciate that. ALOT. Lol...

[blender]

Well for right now take a deep breath and try to "accept" that for today he's not in an emotionally healthy place to be fully involved with anyone, even if he in fact with this other girl, it doesn't matter.

 

I know it hurts you so much, but just know that he's got to go through whatever he's going through for HIMSELF, whether it be growing up, dealing with his depression, high blood pressure, or his weird and unhealthy immature abrupt departure from your life, it all says so much more about how emotionally immature and unhealthy HE is, then it will ever say about you.

 

He can't run away from himself, although for now the "newness" of this other girl might "feel" like he's made a change, the FACT is he has NOT..he's just moved side ways... you know what I mean? He still has all his "issues' to deal with, and those are emotional things he would need to work on for HIMSELF, waaaay BEFORE he could truly be involved in a healthy respectful committed way with ANY woman...period.

 

He's just going through is own emotional journey and it has nothing to do with you or her.. it just doesn't. The "newness" of this girl will wear off in time and there he will be.again..facing HIMSELF..

 

You have to know deep in your heart that there were issues in the relationship you had with him, whether you can see them clearly now or not, eventually you when you are less emotionally vulnerable you will be able to separate your "feelings" from the "facts" about this whole situation.

 

Example: you FEEL he's a truly nice guy but the FACT is his behavior is not of a "nice guy".. it's of a coward.

 

Remember, it's not about the 'other girl" it's really about HIS behavior and how he chosses to handle life's many challenges.. especially the FACT that HE allowed HER to be the one to tell you..that's just a cowardly act on his part.. and it says so much about him.. and I don't think it's something you would admire in him.. the way he treats her is just icky, would you be interested in ANY man who would let you tell his ex that he's with you now and doesn't want to talk? YUK... what the hell is that about? well it's about HIM..

 

it's probably always been about him..everything is about HIM in his world. Whether it be HIS depression, HIS sadness, HIS blood pressure, HIS feelings, HIS father cheated, HIS job, HE"S misunderstood.. but where were YOUR feelings being consider in all this?

 

Try not to make so many excuses for him, he's a big boy, he makes his own decisions, he CHOOSES his behavior, and for today you can start your own healing by accepting that it will hurt for awhile, you "attached" many dreams to him, but those are YOUR dreams, you get to take them with you on your own journey..

 

Start focusing on yourself, how loving YOU are, how forgiving YOU can be, and how much YOU deserve from a relationship..

 

and remember how he left you, because it's how HE would leave ANY woman.. it's says so much about HIM as a man... and try not to thing so much about trying to "figure out why" or thinking that HE is emotionally capable of evening giving you some respectful closure, he's to cowardly to do so.. SO...instead just say out loud ot yourself:

 

"I am NOT interested in any man who would choose to leave a woman the way he left me, or who would string me along with once in awhile phone calls or visits with hand holding, talking, and yet now be in a whole new relationship..and he even allow the girl to answer his phone and talk to me, and not be man enough to discuss it with me directly after we've shared so many years together.. yuk, that's not my kind of guy, no excuses, no "medical" reasons, no pity, no more "he's a nice guy" because NICE healthy GUYS DO NOT BEHAVE THIS WAY.. so he's lost ME, not the other way around".

 

You can take one baby step at a time, each day, take a deep breath, know that you'll cry about this until you are sick and tired of being "sick and tired" and you will CHOOSE to be proud of yourself for having loved someone, and then letting go when you ACCEPT that for right now HE is NOT emotionally ready for ANY self respecting amazing woman... and that's what you are becoming from this awful heartbreak, it's an OPPORTUNITY to re-discover YOURSELF, your own strength, your own values, your own dreams and to seek inner happiness THEN you can choose to SHARE that happiness with someone at some point, because authentic love is about "sharing" your own happiness and identity with the other person and NOT about ''attaining" it from the other person. There is a huge difference.

 

This heartache is a gift, a gift that leads to you discovering how wonderful and amazing and strong and classy and loving YOU are.. and once you really believe this about YOURSELF, and give all your "understanding and forgiveness" to YOURSELF, then you will attract the most amazing healthy love into your life.. it all starts today.. with you taking care of YOU.

 

You're going to get through this, it will be tough, it's so difficult to "let go" of who we "expected and hoped" the ex to be, and to separate that from who they "actually truly are"... remember his behavior and choices are a reflection of who HE is and not about you..

 

YOU are an amazing, loving, caring, understanding, wise, woman who deserves a man who is emotionall healthy enough to cherish you the way you deserve to be.. so start cherishing yourself.. focus on YOU..

[desertlover]

I agree it was amazingly well said. Thank you very very much. I think I'm going to print it so I can read it over and over until I believe it. Thank you.

[jdubs]

Wow, Blender...

 

That pretty much says it all.

[Cimmie]

Oh, my dear, this sounds EXACTLY like what I went through about two years ago with my ex. We had been together almost ten years, and he was cheating on me with a much younger girl (a student of his). He told me by email, because he was too cowardly to tell me to my face. It was horrific.

 

I agree with EVERYTHING Blender has said. This is all about HIM. It has nothing to do with you. The 'high blood pressure' and 'depression' I warrant, are symptoms of a guilty conscience. He has treated you appallingly. I went through exactly the same thing. You are full of confusion and hurt because he has been revealed to be someone totally different from what you thought he was. He has pulled the rug from under you. I would say that he was planning to move out for some time, but was too cowardly to tell you the truth. He's scum, as my ex is scum.

 

Sweetheart, I know it may not look like it now, but you will one day be relieved that you got out of this. He is weak and cowardly and irresponsible. As Blender says, it is weird behaviour, but it is behaviour I recognize. Let this other girl have him, and welcome. You will be much better off finding someone who won't dump on you like this, who shows you more respect and consideration, and who is not so utterly emotionally inadequate.

 

I really really feel for you, because I went through that pain and shock myself, and it landed me in a psych ward. I was suicidal after my ex revealed what he had been doing behind my back, and I thought I wouldn't survive it. I'd given over so much of my life and heart to him. I did survive it though, and so will you. Believe me!

 

What you need now is to be surrounded by people who love and care for you unconditionally. Your parents, siblings, close family and friends. Allow yourself to be cared for and comforted. Come on here and chat. pm me if you want.

 

You'll go through a lot in the months to come. What you are experiencing now is a 'grief reaction' similar to that felt by bereaved people. It's a terrible experience, one of the most painful in life. But you will come through. You'll feel anger and pain, but you'll emerge stronger and wiser. Believe me.

 

I won't say anything more about him. It's obvious what he is, and you have been unfortunate. But you're worth more than that. His inadequacy is clear. He isn't worth you. Remember that.

 

Hugs

[desertlover]

Cimmie,

I can't believe he told you through email. I can't get over how people can behave in this manner toward each other. Especially someone you loved for so long. Someone you lived with.

 

You say "The 'high blood pressure' and 'depression' I warrant, are symptoms of a guilty conscience." You know I just came to that conclusion yesterday. I had a hard time understanding his blood pressure problems in the first place. He is only 26 and leads a fairly healthy life. It made no sense to me when he was diagnosed with it.

 

I am sorry your experience led to the psych ward. I feel like I am just a step away from something like that myself sometimes. I hope to start seeing a therapist soon. I have a doctor's appointment Thursday and I hope they give me a referral. I'm kind of scared though. I've never been to a therapist before, and I am afraid they will just give me drugs to numb the pain. That's not what I am looking for. I don't feel like that is healing.

 

What's driving me insane right now is knowing he is with her on the "weekend away" she referred to. I can't stop obsessing.

 

Even after all this I fantasize that he will call me after this weekend and say he realized he messed up. When my phone rings my heart jumps hoping it is him. When I am away from my phone for the fifteen minutes it takes to get a shower, I check it immediately to see if he called. I feel like I would take him back in a second, even though it compromises the values I thought I had (I really believe in monogamy and find cheating completely unacceptable). So why am I thinking I could come to terms with it??? I thought I was a feminist. Why can't I convince myself to not think this way. To be angry and not want to speak with him, as I've been advised. Ugh.

[Cimmie]

^^

It's because you are still attached to him emotionally, and he isn't to you, that's the whole point about cheating, they allow you to continue in your fools paradise, attached to them, loving them, while all the while they are unpicking the stiches that bind the relationship together, without telling you.

 

I checked my phone obsessively for texts from my ex too. All the while he kept up this 'I really love you' stance which confused me totally, even while he was stamping on my heart and tearing my life to shreds.

 

I'm a full year into NC, come Christmas, and I can't recommend it highly enough. I delayed my healing by staying in touch with my ex and listening to his lies about how remorseful and regretful he was. All he cared about was himself. I would STRONGLY recommend that you go NC and do so as soon as possible. He has devastated you - you need to be alone and to get on with dealing with that on your own, without any emotional manipulation or psuedo remorse from the ex, or anything else.

 

I think the therapist is a great idea. It's always wise to get some professional input at times of real emotional crisis in life, and that's what you're going through right now. Do all you can to help yourself. Seeing a therapist is scary, but it's worth it. I don't know what I would have done without professional help. I may not have made it.

 

Don't brush your grief and pain under the carpet.

[desertlover]

I just ordered the book Don't Call That Man!

 

Anyone have any feedback about it? I ordered it expedited shipping. It couldn't get to me soon enough.

 

How do I go into no contact when I all I want is to talk to him? Until he moved out there wasn't one single day in the past seven+ years we didn't at least talk on the phone. I can't fathom not speaking to him.

[shell80]

and remember how he left you, because it's how HE would leave ANY woman.. it's says so much about HIM as a man... and try not to thing so much about trying to "figure out why" or thinking that HE is emotionally capable of evening giving you some respectful closure, he's to cowardly to do so..

 

Wow...Blender...I wish you had of said these words to me 2 mths ago!!! They are brilliant...and hit very close to home.

[blender]

My dear, speaking to him at this point would do what for you? A temporary fix that will only send you reeling into more wondering, more anger, more resentment, more frustration?

 

Try not to do that to yourself.. take care of you, respect yourself...that is the beginning of your healing.

 

Your going through "emotional withdrawal" and it's a tough drug to get out of your system... but you can do so IF you take one day at a time of "no contact" by respecting yourself enough to not want any interest in a guy who is not intentionally making an effort to cherish your heart..

 

He doesn't know how to cherish anything it seems.. and that is HIS issue, not yours.. and he will eventually do the same thing to the girl he is with now... she too will become "too much" for him, "too real".. and he'll run in a circle again...running into himself...

 

Thank god you are no longer playing a part in HIS unhealthy pattern.. no more, you're on your way to growing way past this bad habit of a relationship..

 

I know you had many expectations, and you hoped and though he had so much potential..well you can not "teach" him, after seven whole years.. you can feel good that you tried, you loved, and know you've learned that YOU have to love yourself BEFORE you can fully invest in another person..

 

Answer this as honestly as you can, "what do you think YOU would gain from contacting ANY man who is disrespecting and cowardly?"

 

I know you have an "emotional habit" regarding him, after seven years it's normal to feel an urge to get a "fix" by talking to him, but that's just a "drug" one that doesn't last too long and all of the sudden you are back to an emotional square one...

 

For today, just think of your no contact as one day at a time.

 

For today, only for today you will not contact him, out of respect for YOURSELF...

 

Mark each day on a calendar that you go without contact, you will start to ween yourself off the emotional habit/drug you have allowed him to become in your life.

 

Try not to think or focus too much on him and this other girl..she's just really "HIM" all over again, because it's all about HIM.. he can feel "new" with her, and avoid temporarily facing himself..but soon enough he will have to face himself again, and again.. and she too will be victim to his "issues"..it's only a matter of time...

 

For now it's best that you try to allow yourself some time to invest in you.. not in him or who you 'hoped" he could be in your life,

 

instead concentrate on the FACTS more than the FEELINGS... I can't say this enough.. because focusing on the FACTS will stop you from wanting to contact him..

 

the "feelings" the "urges" the "false need" of wanting to contact him will pass quicker each time you allow yourself to "feel the feelings" but do NOT choose to re-act to them by contacting him..instead just feel the feelings, let them wash over you while you keep focusing on the FACTS..

 

the FACT is he is NO longer worthy of your attention or energy.

 

This "other girl" is not the "answer" to his issues, only HE is the answer to all that.. and as long as he hops from relationship to relationship or better put: "distraction to distraction" he can put off facing himself and the self work he needs to do in order to succeed in love, career, family, relationships, friendships. etc.

 

It's now time for you to widen your own world, get a new hobby, take a new class, take a cooking class at a local store, do anything to meet new people, take care of you, invest in yourself, make you the most interesting person in your life..

 

Again, this heartache you are feeling now will prove to be a gift in time, be proud of the inner strength you are now discovering in yourself... cry, then force a smile on your face and get up in the morning, feeling empowered by your heartache, and say "good morning" to someone, anyone, and feel good about you and all the wonderful possiblities in YOUR future without the "bad habit" you had for seven years..

 

This is a whole new beginning.. it really is, yes it will be tough to "let go".. but really what your going to do now is to NOT let go of YOURSELF anymore...

 

take hold of the steering wheel of your life, look ahead, because staring in the rear view mirror for too long only causes us to emotionally crash over and over again..

 

YOU are driving now, you've learned, you have new personal directions, you are in control of your future, be proud, smile, cry, smile, breath, cry, do NOT contact, give yourself a present for each four days you go without contact and start to celebrate YOU...

 

all the energy you have put into "helping, fixing, nurturing" HIM, now goes to YOU..the new wonderful strong independent, amazing, attractive, YOU.

 

Trust that this will be one of the most empowering, self discovering, amazing times in your life... FATE has been nudging you this way for a long time... so try to stop "resisting" and start "accepting" that something so much more emotionally healthy, so much more loving, so much more fulfilling is ahead for you... because YOU are the one who is growing from all this..not him..he's going in a circle, and you are going waaaay ahead......

 

One day at a time, no contact, breathe, cry, smile, feel empowered.

[Cimmie]

Thank you for posting that Blender.

 

It speaks to me deeply. I think it's exactly what the OP should hear right now.

 

Wish I'd been on ENA and reading your posts two years ago.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with what everyone wrote..this man is not worth your time. However, I really doubt that the blood pressure issue and the depression are as a result of what he did to you. I think what he did to you was partly a result of the blood pressure and depression. He is not a well man both physically and emotionally and people who are not well can behave in an off the wall manner. He is awfully young to have high blood pressure...this could fuel the depression. If he had to be rushed to the hospital...this is serious. Who knows how he linked up with the other woman...some people, when they go through a life-altering experience, suddenly throw their old life out the window and embark on a new life. Maybe this other woman is a rescuer and sees herself as his protector...who knows what he said about you to her. What he did to you is horrible and it will take you time to get over it...take care of yourself and focus on yourself not him. He has a lot of problems to deal with so let it be the other woman's headache not yours.

[desertlover]

Thanks again for your insight Blender. Thank you all so much for taking this time to offer advice. I don't know any of you, so I am surprised by how kind you are and how much you give of yourself to help someone you don't know. You are amazing people.

 

Cimmie, What is OP? Sorry I not familiar with a lot of the acronyms used on here.

 

Crazyaboutdogs,

You said "However, I really doubt that the blood pressure issue and the depression are as a result of what he did to you. I think what he did to you was partly a result of the blood pressure and depression." That is what I keep struggling with. It never dawned on me until it was brought up here that his blood pressure might be a result of what he was doing. I am again thrown into thinking it wasn't, but I don't want to be naive about this.

 

I tried to examine his behavior before the hospital and I pretty much came to the conclusion that there wasn't any time he could have been cheating really. He left for work before me. When he got home I would talk to him on the phone from work and he was always home when I got home except the day he moved out. As I mentioned, we didn't have the same days off, which could have given him time, but not much. Even on his days off we did stuff until I had to leave for work. We would usually get dinner together during my one hour break (I work in the evenings). When I called him on his days off he always answered him phone. And usually he was at his mom's house seeing if she was okay. I know there is always a way if you are going to cheat... but geez, I don't know where he fit it in.

[blender]

My dear, maybe he didn't "cheat"..maybe he's just a guy who is basically a bit of a coward, always has an "issue" or whatever... either way, I hope you will discover that "why" he did, or "when" he did it, has nothing to do with you, it's all about him, his issues, his patterns, his lack of ambition, so many people, guys, have blood pressure, depression, diabetes, hypoglycemia, and NONE of it has to do with a CHOICE of behavior... so no more excuses or reasons about "why" he decided to run away from "himself and the relationship' because the fact is he will repeat this pattern...with many.. no one can cure him of 'himself"....

 

so take a deep breath and choose to learn about YOURSELF and try to ween yourself off of trying to "understand HIM" and just take care of YOU... He does not define you, or validate you, or have anything to do with your worthiness or value, he's just a guy who is stuck in his own emotional pattern, the scenery may change but he will be the same....

 

Today you celebrate YOU..... do NOT take anything he did, said, or does personally... it's not about you..it's all about HIM..

 

So get back to emotionally investing in yourself...it will give you the biggest return...try a "different" approach to YOUR thought pattern and say to yourself: "I am in NO WAY interested in a guy who behaves as he does, he lost me, and I'm CHOOSING to let go, and grow past this, good for me."

[desertlover]

"I am in NO WAY interested in a guy who behaves as he does, he lost me, and I'm CHOOSING to let go, and grow past this, good for me."

 

 

A third of me truly believes this. It does.

 

A third just misses him regardless.

 

And another third needs for some reason to figure out every single detail and make sense. When, why, how long? I think the lies frustrate me the most because I can't get anything straight. I have the kind of logical mind that must figure everything out and over analyzes behavior.

[Chris777]

in time everything will start making sense, right now your mind might be clouded by dozens of questions and hurt feelings but after it all you'll find it within yourself that you deserve better. If someone did this to you then he/she doesn't deserve your love and later you'll most likely be happier with someone else or at peace with yourself until you're ready to love again. That's the way I look at my situation. Be strong.

[benga]

You have received some fantastic advice already. I don't have too much to add. I can relate to your shock, anguish, dispair and grief. These are very natural feelings. Its very natural to think about him and what's going on with him. But the truth really - you will never know. There is no point thinking about that and focussing on him. Right now the focus is on you and how you can make yourself feel better. When I was a newbie here, i had read this article and I read it for several weeks till I started to feel better. Go through it and have faith - you will be OK.

 

Cheers

Benga

 

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Having read an amazing post on a subscription only relationship help forum, I knew that it would be invaluable to this site. Moderators, I think you'll agree and maybe make this one a 'sticky', I think everyone should read it. All credit due to the author - username of 'Whitestreet2000' on the 'Lifted Hearts' community - thanks!

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"I've been on this site for almost four months now. When I found it, I was sure that absolutely no one in the world had ever, or would ever, experience the pain that I was feeling after my break up. Funny. I found a virtual world full of folks who have gone through and experienced the same things and felt the same feelings that I did. That helped a lot.

 

So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down.

 

You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months.

 

You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything.

 

You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful).

 

They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new.

 

You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.

 

For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope."

 

You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, pay your money because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t.

 

You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive.

 

Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did.

 

Then you'll get serious about no contact. It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called.

 

Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow).

 

Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson.

 

Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.

 

And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.

 

And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be.

 

But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery.

 

I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react.

 

Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back.

 

And the universe will take care of the rest."

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[Cimmie]

A third of me truly believes this. It does.

 

A third just misses him regardless.

 

And another third needs for some reason to figure out every single detail and make sense. When, why, how long? I think the lies frustrate me the most because I can't get anything straight. I have the kind of logical mind that must figure everything out and over analyzes behavior.

 

I went through that endless fruitless obsessive questioning. That's part of the process. I thought if I could just 'understand' why he had done what he did, that I wouldn't suffer as much. I was also looking for excuses for him, or seeking to absolve him of responsibility, a pattern which had dominated my relationship with him, and which was a feature of his relationships with other people.

 

If you've been with someone for seven years, that's a substantial chunk of your life, and you will mourn that for a long time. But you will get over it. The lies are the most difficult to deal with because they alter your perception of the reality of the situation as you understood it. That's why lies are as damaging and destructive as they are. Ask yourself, 'am I ok'. It would be wise for you to get tested for STDs, that is one of the unfortunate consequences of infidelity. Then sort out the emotional aftermath.

 

As Blender says, concentrate on YOU. Forget him, his needs, his mistakes... Chances are that there were unhealthy patterns in the relationship leading up to this. Cheating rarely comes totally out of the blue. I know there were in mine, and I had been deceiving myself about these patterns for a long time. Coming to terms with my self-deceiving was also a difficult part of the break up. All of these things lie ahead for you, but you will emerge a stronger and wiser person at the end of it. You just have to grit your teeth and start dealing with the pain. Get as much help as you need. And take care of YOU.

 

OP is 'original post' or 'original poster' btw.

[Nixee]

Benga, even though it isn't your own writing, I really like that post... thank you for showing us.

 

It is kind of humbling to realize that, yes, I went through most of that.... even though I wanted to believe that I was so different... that my ex and I were sooooo different.

 

Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back.

 

That was one of the biggest things I held on to after my breakup. Trying so hard to remember that, although he affected me greatly, I'm still ME... I still have myself. That is something an ex can't take away if we don't let them.