I screwed up...drunken email

[Catatonic]

So as the thread title says...I made a big mistake in sending my ex-friend an email when I was tipsy a couple days ago. It makes me wince just reading over it again. I wrote it with the sentiment of trying to explain how I felt by her behavior and get her to explain her side of the story to me but...it's over emotional and blaming.

 

Here's the email I sent:

 

"Hey,

 

I know we aren't on friendly terms but i wanted to know if you wanted to talk. part of me still resents you but part of me still wants to know why and what the heck happened. i don't know if you even know for yourself what you did and why you did it but if you have any explanations for me, i want to hear it.

 

as for my part, i know i didn't handle the situation very well because i've never before had such intense feelings for someone. i was very hurt when you emailed me instead of calling me and especially by the fact that you're not gay or bi because in my eyes you're the one who started things by flirting with me. i tried to stay friends anyway and tried to organize a group activity but you ignored that too. maybe i should've been patient with you but i was too hurt by what was happening and by the time you replied a week later it was too late. i just don't know why you'd go out of your way to hurt me and go tell everyone about it but i guess that's just how you are.

 

i guess what i'm trying to say here is that i am at a crossroads in my life and i have healed enough to see that you are a very special person to me. i really don't know why and i wish that it wasn't true but i want to know at least your side of the story. not saying that i want to be with you or even friends with you but i do want to gain a little more understanding.

 

then again given your track record i won't be surprised if you ignore this email and continue on with whatever you're up to. i don't want to think of badly of you anymore but i can't help it given what you did and given you're still haven't offered anything other than a cold shoulder and a couple of random impersonal emails. well if that's the way you want me to think of you then that's fine. either way have a happy birthday."

 

I'm an idiot for drunken mailing, but I can't undo it now. But the thing is, it's true what I said about her being special to me for whatever reasons I don't understand and that I really do just want to know what happened. I dunno why I'm backtracking now...I know I should just continue NC but I feel like a moron for sticking my neck out again. Maybe I'm just masochistic like that.

[Poe]

I think you did the right thing. Sounds like you had alot on your mind, alot you wanted to say, and you were still sober enough to have your point come accross honestly and sincerely. I never would have guessed you drank before writing that. I think you're the bigger person, and kudos to you for wishing her a happy birthday regardless.

 

I had a girlfriend that after she was blatantly in the wrong, I still called her up to make things at ease. Not that that was forgiveness on my part, I just didn't need that feeling weighing down on me. I didn't need the anger or the hurt or the pain. I'd rather just speak my peace and walk away. If she got the better of me, kudos to her. I'm still the winner for walking away a better person, rather than carrying meaningless resentment that'll only bring me down.

 

So all in all, kudos to you.

[Catatonic]

Thanks Poe, it really means a lot to me.

 

It's something that had been simmering in the back of my mind for a while and I think the alcohol just made it come out. I did in a way want to just release pent-up emotions and maybe that's selfish of me but I finally felt strong enough to speak up. The resentment was definitely holding me down and I feel a lot better knowing that I tried to make things okay between us. Actually, I honestly think it'd be a win-win situation if we had a talk because she wouldn't have to feel guilty anymore (IF she feels guilty) and I'd get closure.

[sayer7]

I so totally agree with Poe. You are the bigger person by having said what you said in the way that you said it. That email seemed very sincere and mature, not sappy or antagonistic or confrontational. It was simply an invitation to her to tell her side of the story if she wanted-- and to wish her Happy Birthday... and that was even bigger of you. If she doesn't reply and continues NC-- that's her decision. You made your decision, whether sober or not, and I think it was the right thing to do. Maybe it will help you get some closure having done this, and maybe this experience has taught you some valuable things for future friendships. So, good job and I wish you the best outcome!

[Catatonic]

Thanks sayer7

 

This whole thing's taught me lots for sure. It's funny how it takes things that break our spirits to teach us how to be stronger.

[shell80]

Don't beat yourself up over it too much...we've all been there done that, and really what is a drunken email in the scheme of things?

 

You were honest and sincere - you could of said a lot worse!

 

Perhaps you needed to get it all out of your system.

 

Either way - you are not an idiot - because if you are, then so am I and everyone else on this forum!