We broke up, but we still live together!

[induce]

I broke up with him and we live together. We have been living with one another for about 2 years now. There have been ups and downs, but I found that we were arguing with each other way too often. We've broken up for a short time before, but always came back together with promises from both sides. Financially, we are both unstable, and I felt like we were digging a bigger hole for ourselves being together. We both gained a ton of weight, and were just becoming so unhealthy. This is so hard though because I broke up with him only a couple days ago, and he is so heart-broken. He continues to go to work, but when he comes home, he is so sad. He wants to talk, even if it's only to say "Hi, how are you?" I've made it clear that we are broken up, and gave our landlord our 30 day notice. I can't bring myself to be mean to him, but it's so hard having to be his support. I love him, but know we are so bad for each other. It's hard to function and get my life in order, and it kills me every time he looks at me with his sad eyes wanting to talk about how he is in despair. Also, neither of us have a place we can go for a month before we find new apartments. We're pretty much stuck with each other. I want him to be ok SO badly. What should I do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is a tough one because you are stuck living together. You have to be careful that you don't give him hope of reconciliation but at the same time be understanding of his pain. Just keep telling him that it is better for both of you because things were just not working out. Ultimately you can't help him heal, he has to do that himself.

[Nixee]

I was in this situation with my ex when we split up. I lived with him for a whole month after we broke up (I have a cat and was having a very hard time finding a place to live that I could afford and who would allow my cat).

 

It is very rough. Things can almost feel like normal... and yet they aren't.

 

Because you are the one who ended things, I'd recommend giving him space. You don't want to lead him on or confuse him, but at the same time you should remain civil and friendly with him as much as possible. It is only a matter of time and you will get through it. As my mom told me at the time: you need to go into 'survival' mode. One day at a time until you can start to move on.

 

Maybe you don't have anywhere else to stay, but do you have hangouts or friends houses you could spend some time at so you arent home quite as much? You mentioned putting on some weight... what about taking up a workout routine? That could get you out of the house a bit more.

[HajiMaji]

I know this isnt why you posted, but why have you two broken up? No matter what, living together after break up is emotionally destructive.

[induce]

Crazyaboutdogs & Nixee - Thanks greatly for the advice. I am pretty much behaving as you both suggested. The thought that I'm supposed to be mean to him or treat him coldly is a hard one. For some twisted reason, I believed that maybe that would be the best for him but needed to hear from someone that it's not. I keep to myself when I'm home (I've been hanging out with a friend every night) but am pleasant when he wants to talk. It's just hard to have gut-wrenching conversations with him all the time. I still love him, and hurt deeply also... but I'm numb enough that I can think clearly, whereas he can't. The relationship is just so destructive. Unfortunately, I am deathly allergic to animals and incidentally, most of my friends seem to own at least one furry beast.

 

HajiMaji - I agree with you, but I'm pretty much stuck. I finally took the step to break up with him a few days ago as he had just come back from a four day trip. I realized that I didn't want him to come home. He isn't a bad guy, but we argue... a lot. Sometimes it's just passive-aggressive crap (from both-ends) which is just uncomfortable. I didn't realize how uncomfortable it was until he was gone. There was just such a sense of peace during those four days. The love addiction was probably what kept me in the relationship for so long and what kept bringing me back every time we broke up. It doesn't help that we are both pretty irresponsible by nature. We both procrastinate, have a tendency to overindulge in food (which replaces our old tendency to overindulge in partying) and have a hard time organizing even time to spend with each other. We just down spiraled as far as giving into our weakness'. I don't think either of us can get better with each other as mates.