I just want to make this work...

[joej]

Hi all,

 

Thank you in advance for any advice you might be able to give to help me with this situation. I dated my gf for 3 years, and I broke up with her. I needed some time to figure things out with my feelings and felt pressured by my family to end it with her because we are different religions/cultures as well. I thought that what I was doing was the best thing for both of us, and that she would be better off without me and finding someone that was the same religion as her, although I still had feelings for her. We did not talk for 2 months, it was my decision. I realized later that it was the biggest mistake of my life, that I missed her, that we really are meant to be regardless of what anyone else says or what our differences are. I realized that I love this woman with all my heart and after 2 months I e-mailed her and asked her to come back.

 

Needless to say, at first she was very apprehensive but then because she is such a sweet girl she found it in her heart to forgive me and give me another chance, even though I didn't mean to hurt her that bad her heart was still broken because of the way I handled the break up (i.e. not talking to her for 2 months), although now I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

My problem is this: During our breakup, she hooked up with 2 different guys. One guy she made out with at the bar, but nothing happened with him. However, the other guy she hooked up with ended up coming back to her apartment and spending the night with her. She said that nothing happened with him, that there was only kissing and that at one point they both got naked, but then she stopped it right before they were about to have sex, although there was unprotected "contact" when he was on top of her. The guy she did this with was from my own culture/religion, and she knew that was a major reason why we broke up in the first place. She also knows that we are a small community and that it was possible that what she did with him could have gotten back to me. Also, she did not know this guy very well at all and it hurts me that she was able to do those things with him only 3 weeks after our relationship ended.

 

Needless to say, I am struggling to get over the fact that this guy was all over her, kissing her, touching her and being naked with her...these images keep haunting my mind ever since we got back together. To make matters worse, she lied to me for the past month since we got back together about what happened with him...she said that he never spent the night with her although this was not true. She was a virgin when we first started dating, and she has never been that close to doing anything sexual with a guy other than me. What bothers me is that she could do that so fast after we broke up even though she said that she was still in love with me, and that she lied to me so many times about it when we got back together...to the point where i didn't even believe anything she said about it anymore. We had unprotected sex numerous times after we got back together, and she didn't tell me the truth about what she did with this guy until afterwards.

 

My question is, am I just being a big baby or do I have any right to be upset about this? It has been really hard to get back together with her because I just keep picturing her with this other guy and it kinda made me lose respect for her because she did it and lied to me about it on top of that. Since then she has apologized to me numerous times and says that it was just a mistake because she was drunk, lonely, hurt, etc. Any advice on what I should do to get over it because I really would like to put this whole thing in the past and just be with her again and see her in the same light...I especially want to be able to trust her again. Sorry for how long this was!

[cant find my smile]

You are being a big baby as you say. You broke up with her and refused to have contact. I'm sure she was devastated and assumed it was over with you. You have absolutely NO right to be angry about this or say that you can't trust her. She obviously had good reasons for not telling you how far she went with him that night as she probably knew this would be your response - alse she might have been embarrassed that she was so intimate with a near stranger.

 

Get over it and move on - accept that by breaking up with her you lost all right to be angry about things like this. If you let this come between you two you are throwing away your relationship all over again. Stop making her feel bad for doing something that she had every right to do.

[mintblossom]

You were the one that broke up with her.

[joej]

Thanks for putting things in perspective. I know that I need to get over it, but any advice as to how? Are there any guys on here that have been through something similar to this who may have some helpful advice on how they put something like this behind them?

[candy604]

Yes you should get over it. You are being a baby! I mean in those 2 months either one of you could have met someone else. It's the fact of dating. She didn't need to disclose anything to you b/c it's you guys weren't together during those 2 months. For her, she thought the relationships ended and she has to move on. Personally if a guy broke up with me and didn't talk to me for 2 months, I'd feel that the relationships is definitely over. There is also no sign of wanting to work things out. So you just have to move with life. It's a different story if your in a relationship where you two decide to lay low for a while to work things out and one of you starts doing sexual things with another person. That is wrong then.

 

Are you a virgin before you started dating her? If not, she could bring up your past and start imagining other girls with you and get mad. Then again she has no right too.

 

Some people deal with their pain of a broken heart in different ways. If you want the relationship to work, you will have to put this behind you.

 

P.s I'm impressed with the fact that she had the courage to stop doing whatever with the other guy.

[Aleadragonhawk]

You weren't in a relationship with her, so you don't have the right to be angry about what she did. As for getting over it, it will take time. Be honest with her about the way that you are feeling but do not fall into the trap of accusing her of cheating or treating her in that way - she did nothing wrong. You still have emotions, though, and the only way that you're going to be able to address this is through communicating with your partner.