is this infidelity?

[moses]

I am a 32 y/o guy trying my luck here in the US and my wife is in the Philipppines with our son. I've been here for just over a month. One day I checked her e-mail and found out that she still communicates with her ex-boyfriend. There was no flirting in his or her messages, just casual hi's and hello's..

Then the following week i discovered that she has a secret e-mail address I checked her chat history and her ex was openly flirting with my wife and obviously trying to get her to flirt back but my wife was adamant. but at the end of the conversation i learned that the guy is coming from abroad and was asking my wife if they could get a cup of coffee and catch up. My wife agreed to meet here. She said "So when are you gonna be online again, just text me ok? if you're pushing thru in dec, just let me know. i'll fix my schedule for you. Mwah!!!"

I confronted my wife about this and she told me it was nothing, and that she only agreed to meet him because he is her friend. She was firm when she said "I'm not gonna meet him and have sex, we're just gonna go out and grab a cup of coffe."

I didn't believe her. I still don't. I don't think she would drive 250km just to have a cup of coffee with her Ex..and keep this all from me.

I can't sleep at night, I always think that what if the guy calls her again? Will she go with him? Although my wife assured me that it will never happen again, I still doubt her. It's like I couldn't trust her anymore.

I love my wife very much and I don't want to lose her.

I can't think straight now. Please help me. What is this situation i'm in? What will I do? Is she capable of having an affair? Thanks a lot.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The fact that she kept it from you is disconcerting. Even if she didn't have sex with him, there is still something not quite right...it is going down a bad road. She violated your trust by not being open with you. There is not much you can do...if your wife assured you it will never happen again, then to doubt her word will only drive you crazy and will drive the two of you further apart.

[Mysterygirl]

I agree with the above poster, the fact that she kept it from you and had a secret email address (how did u find that anyway?) is worrying...

 

I am sorry I have no advice for you, I wish you all the best.

 

Sometimes in life we do not understand why something is happening to us until it is all over ...

but i really believe that everything happens for a reason.

 

 

[toshiba]

Sounds like what could have been-- or could have been becoming-- an emotional affair.

 

I have a few questions about it. Did she meet him or does she still plan to or did she turn him down after you found out?

 

Also, could you explain what you mean by being a "32 year old trying my luck here in the U.S."? Trying your luck at what?

 

 

You said "I didn't believe her. I still don't."

 

That right there says a lot about your marriage and I won't try to sugarcoat things.....it's not a good sign. The fact that you don't believe what your wife says combined with the fact that she's in another country is the recipe for divorce.

 

The only hope I can see for you two is to get back together where you see each other regularly and to get counseling over the trust issue. Having separate lives and a lack of trust is going to destroy things rapidly.

[kr356]

maybe she didn't tell you because she knows how untrusting of her you are?

you said that he tried to flirt with her, but she didnt flirt back? sure she put 'mwah' on the end of a conversation, but I do that to all my friends. It is possible to have friends that are also your ex, it's not overly common in every ex relationship, but it is completely possible.. I have ex's that are friends that I would happily go and have coffee with, only coffee, and a few of my friends are the same, doesn't mean that we would jump into bed with them.

 

I dont know if you were this untrusting before you moved to the USA, but if you weren't maybe it's the distance that is making you this way?

[toshiba]

maybe she didn't tell you because she knows how untrusting of her you are?

Ok, if someone was untrusting of me and I cared about them, I know the last thing I'd want to do is to is something that would upset them, such as talk to an ex boyfriend behind their back. Instead, I would want to reassure that person that they could trust me and that I'd be an open book with them. And I certainly wouldn't want to do anything that they were uncomfortable with. Their feelings would come WAY before my need to chat with an ex-boyfriend.

 

 

you said that he tried to flirt with her, but she didnt flirt back? sure she put 'mwah' on the end of a conversation, but I do that to all my friends.

Those who are in committed relationships should not engage in flirty dialogue with members of the opposite sex. This is especially true when that member of the opposite sex likes them in more than a platonic way.

Flirty dialogue gives the other party the green light. It encourages them to take things further. I have a suspicion that she knew this when she added the "mwah". Her intent was to encourage him. Why? Because she likes where it's heading and this way, this makes HIM take the lead, which exonerates her from guilt.

 

It is possible to have friends that are also your ex, it's not overly common in every ex relationship, but it is completely possible.. I have ex's that are friends that I would happily go and have coffee with, only coffee, and a few of my friends are the same, doesn't mean that we would jump into bed with them.

 

There is only ONE way to be friends with your ex when you're in a relationship and that's for your ex to be friends with you both as a couple. Let's see if this woman's ex wants to meet both them both (meet with the OP and his wife). What do you think the odds are that he does?

 

This is how you can tell it's an emotional affair. He's not interested in meeting her husband. In fact, I'll bet he's not interested in knowing much about her husband at all.

[moses]

I agree with the above poster, the fact that she kept it from you and had a secret email address (how did u find that anyway?) is worrying...

 

I read about it on one of her sent messages. She told the guy to contact her thru the secret e-mail because I know her passwords to her original e-mail address.

[moses]

I have a few questions about it. Did she meet him or does she still plan to or did she turn him down after you found out?

 

She turned him down after I found out. Now everytime this guy sends her text messages or e-mails she tells me right away and shows it to me. She doesn't respond to his messages anymore (That's what she told me).

 

Also, could you explain what you mean by being a "32 year old trying my luck here in the U.S."? Trying your luck at what?

 

I am Physical Therapist trying to land a job here in the states..

 

 

You said "I didn't believe her. I still don't."

 

I didn't believe her when she told me that it was without a malice when she agreed to meet him. Everytime we argue she keeps telling me that I have nothing to worry about and that her conscience is clean.

 

My wife keeps on reassuring me that it won't happen again and that she won't let anyone destroy our marriage..

She sent this letter to him thru e-mail- -

 

I want you to stay as far away from me as you can. I

love my husband and my son so much, I dont want to

destroy our happy family because of you. Agreeing to

meet you has caused a stain in my relationship with my

husband, who I love so much, and who I want to spend

my life with. No man, woman or any event can keep us

apart. We have endured so many hardships, and I am

confident that we will stay strong and happy together

as long as we live.

 

So please, I dont want you to call, text, email me. In

short, I dont want to hear from you again. I

appreciate it if you dont respond to this email.

 

I seems like she meant every word but It just so hard not to doubt her...

I feel like she's gonna go out with someone she really likes if given a chance...

Thank you for all your inputs. I appreciate it.

[LifesontheUp]

First of all I agree with the other posters that your wife was possibly going down the infidelity road. What she did by hiding the conversations she was having with her ex and the secret e-mail account has damaged your relationship, your trust in her................but it is salvagable.

 

In my opinion you need to start looking at her actions since you found out and confronted her. To me she seems to be showing you all the signs of trying to build back your trust, she wants forgiveness from you and is going about it the right way. It is hard I know to trust her again, this will take time. You need to forgive her or it will put a barrier between you.

 

I wish you luck. But try and remember that if you hang onto this hurt too long it will likely turn to bitterness and hate and you will not see anything good in her anymore, even when she is doing good things. In fact it may well lead to your marriage deteriorating to the point that a divorce is inevitable.

[moses]

How can I forgive her when she didn't even say sorry for what she did? She insists that she has nothing to feel sorry and guilty about because she did nothing wrong and her conscience and her intentions are clean.

She knows what i've been going through right now and she wants me to come home. I don't know if she really means it. I don't know anymore..

Is there a guarantee that she won't go down that road again? I really don't know if i'm making sense with all my questions..it's just that i don't want it to happen again beacuse it hurts so much.

[LifesontheUp]

How can I forgive her when she didn't even say sorry for what she did? She insists that she has nothing to feel sorry and guilty about because she did nothing wrong and her conscience and her intentions are clean.

She knows what i've been going through right now and she wants me to come home. I don't know if she really means it. I don't know anymore..

Is there a guarantee that she won't go down that road again? I really don't know if i'm making sense with all my questions..it's just that i don't want it to happen again beacuse it hurts so much.

 

I was giving her the benefit of the doubt because her actions are showing you that she no longer wants to hide things from you. However I can fully understand your reluctance to try and put it behind you if she won't even admit to any wrong doing or even apologise.

 

Sorry but she has to see how this looks. Have you asked her how she would feel if the roles were reversed and you were secretly chatting to an ex and planning to meet up for coffee? What was her reason for keeping the secret account? Why hadn't she told you about her chats with the ex?

 

I would imagine that she does know that it was wrong to have such secrecy in your marriage. Keeping it hidden shows a lack of openess with you and I would question her committment on that too. Like they say, those that hide nothing have nothing to hide.

 

Anyway, I wish you luck. Oh and don't fall for the usual bull**** when they say they would have told you but you're such a jealous person.....its a common excuse.

[toshiba]

How can I forgive her when she didn't even say sorry for what she did? She insists that she has nothing to feel sorry and guilty about because she did nothing wrong and her conscience and her intentions are clean.

 

 

Sorry, but you have a problem here. If she doesn't feel that she has done any wrong, what's the value of that letter she sent him?

 

Let's say two kids steal something. The one parent finds out and they tell him that he can't hang around the other kid anymore. He goes and tells the other kid he can't hang around him. But he also says that he didn't do anything wrong. What are his chances of stealing again?

[moses]

Thank you all so much for all your replies. We had a fight last night. She changed her passwords to her e-mail account including the secret one. She told me the reason behind it was to stop me from checking up her e-mails because according to her it's driving me crazy...

I asked her what the passwords are but she wouldn't tell me. I think she has no plans of telling me.

How can this marriage work if we keep secrets from each other?

I think she's keeping something from me. I really do.

I learned today that she booked me a flight home. I'm not sure I want to see her, at least not the soonest... I want my anger and my pain to subside before I see her.

[NO1GR8r]

Sadly, if you stop her now, she will sneak and do it later. Let her go...dread the idea now - give her your blessing and she will probably "not go" because you displayed TRUST in her an if she really loves you, she won;t betray that trust. (see private reply for the rest).

Good Luck

[LifesontheUp]

Thank you all so much for all your replies. We had a fight last night. She changed her passwords to her e-mail account including the secret one. She told me the reason behind it was to stop me from checking up her e-mails because according to her it's driving me crazy...

I asked her what the passwords are but she wouldn't tell me. I think she has no plans of telling me.

How can this marriage work if we keep secrets from each other?

I think she's keeping something from me. I really do.

I learned today that she booked me a flight home. I'm not sure I want to see her, at least not the soonest... I want my anger and my pain to subside before I see her.

 

IMHO its time to knock her of the fence then. She has to face the consequences for her actions and face that she may loose you. I'm not one to tell you to give your blessings to her in the HOPE she won't go. She has to realise that what she is doing IS NOT ACCEPTABLE and if she goes the CONSEQUENCE is that she will loose you. Its a risk but lets be honest, we face many risks throughout our life.

 

If it were me, I'd tell her in no uncertain terms that this isn't the relationship you thought it was - a relationship with openess, honesty and integrity. I'd tell her that you are not returning on the flight she booked you until she realises that she has to change. That means she has to be honest and open with you about what is going on and she has to provide you with the passwords to her e-mail accounts......ALL of them. Also, she has to promise to attend marriage counselling with you. I think you need it as your wife is not acting like someone who is honest and open. She is hiding stuff. Like I said, he who hides nothing has nothing to hide.

 

She's expecting you to go home and she can work on you and smooth the waters. Knock her off the fence before this goes any further.

[Bunney]

Woah. I can't believe how negative people on here are sometimes.

 

@ OP

Instead on focusing on the bad stuff (which is ONLY the fact that she did not let you know that she was going to meet her ex, and by the way how do you know she was not GOING to let you know?), look at the good things.

 

Look at the e-mail she wrote to you. Not many people would do that. That was a very remarkable thing of her to do and write.

 

She booked you a flight home. If she didn't care, why would she even bother.

It's easy to fight and to misunderstand eachother over phone, believe me I speak from experience. At home you will be able to work it out way easier.

 

 

Anyway, I wonder why everyone goes like OMG OMG RED FLAG when it comes to exes. I know that if my boyfriend and I were to break up, we'd still be friends. It really depends on the way your wife and her ex broke up. People should realize that there is nothing wrong with meeting up with your ex for a cup of coffee. You know, not EVERYONE wants to meet up just to get some sex..

 

Anyway I wonder how you would react even if SHE DID tell you she was going to meet up. I dunno, you seem really weird to me. Why are you so untrusting of her? Has she ever given you a reason to be? I mean, you come off as a real weirdo to me snooping on her this extremely. Even going as far as checking her chat history, reading through her e-mails and stuff.

 

Have YOU ever hidden anything from her? Because people as distrustful as you often are not innocent themselves.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

first, everyone has to accept that anybody is capable of cheating... BUT that doesn't mean they will...

 

i think you do need to meet her face to face and talk about this, but don't assume she cheated, especially if you saw she was adamant in her emails about NOT sleeping with him...

 

a lack of trust and FALSE accusations can do in a relationship as much as cheating can. so you have to be careful that you are not just overreacting to something when she hasn't cheated. and you shouldn't be policing her email because she is not a child. that will only make her angry and rebellious if you start overreacting to this.

 

so please talk to her more and get marriage counseling if you can't trust her, or if you genuinely have MORE evidence she is cheating then you can investigate that.

 

but you're stuck in a cycle now that is harmful and need to move forward to try to calm down and resolve this.

[toshiba]

Instead on focusing on the bad stuff (which is ONLY the fact that she did not let you know that she was going to meet her ex, and by the way how do you know she was not GOING to let you know?), look at the good things.

 

Look at the e-mail she wrote to you. Not many people would do that. That was a very remarkable thing of her to do and write.

 

 

I think this is very naive. Have you ever experienced infidelity?

No, the fact that she didn't let him know about the meeting isn't the only thing that she did. And that email she wrote wasn't very remarkable to me. You'd be surprised at what cheaters can say and do.

 

Anyway, I wonder why everyone goes like OMG OMG RED FLAG when it comes to exes. I know that if my boyfriend and I were to break up, we'd still be friends. It really depends on the way your wife and her ex broke up. People should realize that there is nothing wrong with meeting up with your ex for a cup of coffee. You know, not EVERYONE wants to meet up just to get some sex..

 

It doesn't matter if sex is involved or not. Emotional affairs are just as damaging--often more so--than physical ones. When you are married, you don't share alone time with ex's anymore. And if you can't keep yourself from doing so, you shouldn't get married.

[MELLIES]

Always remember, anyone is capable of cheating, even priests.

[LifesontheUp]

I've gone back through this thread again and I was all for the benefit of the doubt but I still think your wifes reactions - the lack of responsibility and most recently the changing of passwords is not good.

 

Now she says the password changes are because the mails were driving you crazy. Yet by denying you access she has made the situation worse. Understandably now you are more convinced that she has something to hide.

 

Can I ask again whether she has explained the following:

 

1. Why did she not tell you about the conversations between them

 

2. Why did she have a secret e-mail account in the first place

 

3. Why was going to drive all that way to meet an ex just for coffee. (I can understand if it were in the same town but to me thats a hell of a long way to go meet someone you split up with in the past)

 

4. Was she going to tell you about her meeting with him

 

5. Was she flattered by the attention he was giving her

 

Also you haven't said how your marriage has been lately. Was your wife happy for you to go away? Has there been anything in the past that has made you doubt her?

 

I previously suggested marriage counselling and someone else has too. If you can I would go as there are issues here to be dealt with. Tell her you won't come home until she agrees to counselling and she starts opening up to you. If she REALLY wants to sort this out she will agree. Don't brush this under the carpet as it could end up costing you your marriage in the end.

[moses]

she told me i might get upset and jealous if she told me all those things.

she said she'd drive that far because he is her friend.

our marriage is doing fine. she seemed happy and i was happy.

she's kinda sad when i left.

no i don't remember her doing anything suspicious.

we really do need counselling.

this might mean nothing but now that all of these things happened...i remember she was receiving e-mails/links about penis enlargers, viagras and cialis in her original e-mail. this was a few weeks ago and i recall seeing these e-mails a few months back but i never really paid attention to it until now.

could this mean something? if it were random e-mails how come i don't receive one? how could she receive these kind of e-mails?

[Bunney]

I think this is very naive. Have you ever experienced infidelity?

No, the fact that she didn't let him know about the meeting isn't the only thing that she did. And that email she wrote wasn't very remarkable to me. You'd be surprised at what cheaters can say and do.

 

No, it is not naive and yes, it is the only thing.

 

It doesn't matter if sex is involved or not. Emotional affairs are just as damaging--often more so--than physical ones. When you are married, you don't share alone time with ex's anymore. And if you can't keep yourself from doing so, you shouldn't get married.

 

Lol, since when are marriages prisons? Ex's are just people like everyone else, just that you have shared an emotional bond with them in former times. Your statement goes for the insecure, distrustful people out there.

 

 

Oh, and another thing to add to the "positive" list. You said he guy was trying to get her flirt back, but she didn't do so. This tells what kind of person your wife is

[moses]

she told me i might get upset and jealous if she told me all those things.

she said she'd drive that far because he is her friend.

our marriage is doing fine. she seemed happy and i was happy.

she's kinda sad when i left.

no i don't remember her doing anything suspicious.

we really do need counselling.

this might mean nothing but now that all of these things happened...i remember she was receiving e-mails/links about penis enlargers, viagras and cialis in her original e-mail. this was a few weeks ago and i recall seeing these e-mails a few months back but i never really paid attention to it until now.

could this mean something? if it were random e-mails how come i don't receive one? how could she receive these kind of e-mails?

Today 05:45 AM

[toshiba]

No, it is not naive and yes, it is the only thing.

You didn't answer the question about whether or not you've experienced infidelity.

 

 

Lol, since when are marriages prisons? Ex's are just people like everyone else, just that you have shared an emotional bond with them in former times. Your statement goes for the insecure, distrustful people out there.

 

Of course they're people like everyone else. And you can now be friends with them as a couple---not one on one. Married people should not have friends of the opposite sex that exclude their spouse from.

[LifesontheUp]

she told me i might get upset and jealous if she told me all those things.

she said she'd drive that far because he is her friend.

our marriage is doing fine. she seemed happy and i was happy.

she's kinda sad when i left.

no i don't remember her doing anything suspicious.

we really do need counselling.

this might mean nothing but now that all of these things happened...i remember she was receiving e-mails/links about penis enlargers, viagras and cialis in her original e-mail. this was a few weeks ago and i recall seeing these e-mails a few months back but i never really paid attention to it until now.

could this mean something? if it were random e-mails how come i don't receive one? how could she receive these kind of e-mails?

Today 05:45 AM

 

So shes still not opening up to you. I would suggest that you ask her to go to counselling and then perhaps you can get into what is going on with her and work on ways to build the trust etc. If she wants to work this out she'll agree to counselling.

 

I wouldn't worry about the e-mails. I used to get lots of them too. My understanding is that the companies sell the e-mail addresses and hence the junk. Similar to the junk mail that arrives at your home address. If she has joined sites and given her e-mail address then it can get worse. I closed one of my accounts down purely because of all the spam you are referring too.

 

Anyway, I wish you well and hope that your wife will agree to counselling.

 

Edit to add: Good book for you could be Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. She also has a website.