she is always with her friends

[stratguy620]

So Ive been with my gf for about a year now...I live in Houston, and she lives in Dallas, so we only see each other once or twice a month. The thing is, and Im sorry if I sound like an a**hole for saying this, but I think she spends way too much time with her friends.

 

I know, I know, I have friends too, and I spend plenty of time with them. But she is basically with her friends from the time she gets out of class until when she gets home. Obviously, with us having distance between us, it doesnt really affect the amount of time we spend together. But I really dont know if I want to be with somebody who needs to be around their friends that much. Everytime I text her or call her... "Hey Im with my friends right now..."

 

Like I said, I know it sounds selfish, but I just dont understand why she needs that kind of time with people. She always says she needs lots of alone time, but it seems to me the only time she's alone is when she's sleeping...any advice?

[JeckyllNHyde]

I think your feeling that since she is always with friends she never really misses being with you since she is always with company. I been there too with guys. Also if she wasn't with her friends so much maybe she would be calling you more right?

I don't think you should feel there is something wrong with her though, for having her friends and her social life.

 

I think what you need is to be re assured that she still misses you even though she is surrounded by them, and maybe when you both communicate, she should set aside some time especially for you so she can sorta give you some undivided attenton during a phone call for instance without having all her friends there.

[stratguy620]

well thats the thing...

 

we talk for an hour or so every night before she goes to sleep...

 

its just the fact that she wants to spend literally all her time with other people...i think that defines her personality, and i really, really dont like the idea of being with someone that is that...needy i guess...

[JeckyllNHyde]

Ohh, well that's good. At least she does set aside time jjust for you at night.

I doubt she is really needy. She just likes hanging out with her friends. It's not a sign of neediness, just friendship. Neediness would be if she couldn't be without someone in particular or didn't know how to have a life or be independent. Or worse if she stayed home and waited around for your calls. That would be a bigger put off I think. She's getting out, spending time with friendss and having fun.

 

Or maybe is there something else which bothers you about her hanging out with her friends everyday all day? Apart from of course her seeming needy of her friends.

[stratguy620]

Thats what I was getting at...she is so far from being dependent, and needs to have people around her all the time.

 

I told her she should try to go shopping, or go to a museum, or just anything by herself...she got mad at me and wondered why anyone would do that, and that they must be a loser for doing so.

 

I spend a lot of time by myself, just because I can better enjoy things that way I think.

 

Also, I think the fact that her friends are very controlling and possesive has something to do with it. I know that even if she is really tired or has other things to do, if her friends ask her to come over and hang out, she will do so...

[JadedStar]

You are right in that it could cause problems when the two of you are no longer long distance. Very gregarious people who can never be alone often do have a hard time with people who think spending some quality time alone is important.

 

I'm like you. I think that would be strenuous to be in a relationship with that type of person. My daughter is like this. She is 22 and seems she can't be alone more than an hour without calling me to say she is bored or going to a friend's house or running the roads spending money she doesn't have.

 

I've asked her many times - isn't there anything you like to do alone? Don't you want a hobby, or just quiet time to reflect and her answer is NOPE.

 

I was never like that even when i was a teen. i HAVE to have alone time. I cannot stand to be with people 24/7.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Ohh.. maybe your worried that she won't be able to deal if someday things go wrong with her friends?

I see what you mean and why your afraid she is needy. But I don't find these are unhealthy signs. Usually when neediness is a problem or turn off is when for instance, someone gets possessive or mad if people aren't there for them,or throw tantrums. Or you can't leave them alone for long periods b/c they feel 'lost'. Her friends are the ones who call her all the time so maybe they are the ones who are more needy, she just goes with the flow. She is probably just someone who is used to going everywhere with friends. When she becomes a few years older and finds herself needing to run errands alone etc, she will see what you meant about getting out and doing things alone. Right now though she doesn't really need to since her friends are there for her to be with all the time. Some people are just that way I guess. Others not. It's not a bad thing though.

[JeckyllNHyde]

LOL, me too. I'm your daughters age and I need me time. I can't be with people 24/7. I like doing things on my own.

But sometimes I wish I was more like people like your daughter, since they just seem... hmm... more worry free or never bored. Like for instance say they get dumped, something bad happens: they have a bunch of close friends to go to and just hang out and have fun as usual. People like this don't tend to sit around and ponder all day about stuff bugging them. Me, I tend to let it bug me, or sit alone and think about it.

 

I agree though that if someone can't be alone for a few hours.. not a good thing (I guess). Not that I can really think of any negatives coming from it, I mean eventually you get a job, etc and your kept busy anyway. But for some reason it just doesn't seem good.

[Daligal83]

I think this isn't her being needy, it's just a personality difference. She seems like a very social person who has befriended some very social people. There's always something going on and if she's invited to join in, she likes to. Nothing wrong with that. Just because it's not how YOU want to spend your time, doesn't mean that it's wrong on her part. Just like she's wrong in implying that you can't go places alone. It just all depends on what the person prefers.

 

Now if you are in the same city eventually and don't think you could handle this, well that's another story. But that's just a compatibility issue, not an issue of her being needy in my opinion.

[Hope75]

Sound to me like she is a very social person and she enjoys spending time with her friends- I see nothing abnormal about that.

 

I just noticed you are 21, and I am assuming she is around your age, and that is typically what 21 year olds do. Their friends are their lives.

 

As you said, you are long distance so it's not affecting the amount of time you spend with her.

 

What would you rather her do? Sit home alone and miss you?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think this boils down to a personality difference. There are lots of very sociable people who just like to hang out with friends all the time while others prefer alone time. I am more of a homebody like you and don't have a problem doing things on my own. People who are more sociable or who have never done things on their own, can't fathom doing something alone. I remember many years ago when I lived in the US for a few years, I joined a bowling league. Some people at work were astounded that I actually walked into a bowling alley on my own and asked to be put on a team in a bowling league. I have even gone bowling by myself.

[Hope75]

I'm the same as crazyaboutdogs. I enjoy my private time immensely and have no problem eating out alone or doing things by myself. But I have friends who very much enjoy the company of others and who prefer to be with someone socializing all the time.

 

I don't think it is fair for you to expect her to spend more time alone simply because you like to do that.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I think I noticed something, and this of course doesn't go for ALL or I could be just totally wrong. Maybe a lot of people who are "ok on their own" see something unhealthy about the ones who are the total opposite and LOVE being with people all the time. Few examples off the top of my head:

My and the way I see my sis (who also hates being alone too long)

Original P and his gf.

Other poster and her daughter.

My friend's mom and how her mother sees her.

 

We tend to worry or something for the ones who seem like they can't be alone too long.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think I noticed something, and this of course doesn't go for ALL or I could be just totally wrong. Maybe a lot of people who are "ok on their own" see something unhealthy about the ones who are the total opposite and LOVE being with people all the time. Few examples off the top of my head:

My and the way I see my sis (who also hates being alone too long)

Original P and his gf.

Other poster and her daughter.

My friend's mom and how her mother sees her.

 

We tend to worry or something for the ones who seem like they can't be alone too long.

 

 

I think you are on to something! I also wonder about people who can't be alone...but I really think it is just a personality thing and not that they are necessarily emotionally unhealthy.

I mean, they can always argue that those of us who like to be alone are anti-social and have issues.