Anyone else here self-sabotage?

[someguy88]

So recently I did the most stupid thing. I professed my feelings for a woman before we've even dated. This woman was my first love from a long time ago and for the last few months her and I have been getting reacquainted, a lot through email.

 

Anyways, because I have the self-hate thing going on I've always felt that I deserve to be punished rather than loved so I tend to do stupid things when I develop real feelings for someone. I have a fear of rejection as well.

 

Normally, with women I play the role of the seducer and I never really let myself go with anyone. I never let them see the real me; they can't reject me if Id don't let them see the real me; it's a defense mechanism. Thus, through the years my relationships can be measured in months and weeks instead of years.

 

Right now I'm feeling kind of stupid about professing my feelings for this woman and killing all hope of a relationship with her, but at the same time I feel relieved knowing that she can't hurt me.

 

Just wondering if anyone else out there self-sabotages their relationships?

[Clementine orange]

I don't think I self sabotage but I've been with plenty of women who have.

[love4life]

someguy, I'd be interested to know why you've only had Short-term relationships. I ask because my ex was the same and I feel like he intentionally sabotaged the relationship (he even told me that he has a tendency to push people away).

 

What are you afraid of?

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

no i do not......from what i read your afraid of failure

 

being afraid of failure and being afriad of being hurt are two things you have to not be afraid of............if you are you wont move far in life.......

[arwen]

So, in fact you didn't sabotage your happiness, because you revealed your feelings instead of hiding them. How is this ruining your chance of a relationship? In order for a relationship to start, someone needs to express those feelings, right? So you gave yourself a chance. Scary because you have something to lose, but a relief because you don't have to keep this inside of you anymore. Well done

 

So... How did she respond???

[someguy88]

someguy, I'd be interested to know why you've only had Short-term relationships. I ask because my ex was the same and I feel like he intentionally sabotaged the relationship (he even told me that he has a tendency to push people away).

 

What are you afraid of?

 

Fear of abandonment? Fear of failure? Fear of engulfment? Fear of success? I don't know...maybe all of them?

 

My issues have a lot to do with the fact that I was abused by my father growing up. Nearly all my life I felt like I deserved his abuse even though my head tells me that's wrong. Whenever my dad would go at my mom I used to always jump in the middle and try to get my dad to direct all his crap at me. Even when I was like five years old I remember him punching my mom and while my older brothers went running away I jumped on my dad. As I got older I found myself instigating fights with my dad when he started going off. I thought I was strong enough to protect my mom and my brothers and that it was better for me to take his crap then them...I was wrong, it's kind of made me a messed up person.

 

I don't know why your ex feels the way he does. For me, it really is centered around the fact that I hate myself sometimes. I don't feel like I deserve to be loved or that I deserve to be happy. It happens even in my work sometimes.

 

It's hard to explain. It's like looking at yourself and thinking that deep down you're the most disgusting person on earth. Sometimes I feel as if I'm fooling people into loving me, whether it be, friends or SO's. I feel bad that I've 'fooled' them into loving me and think they'd be better off without me in their life so I push them away. Most of my friends would describe me as an affable, sometimes charming, and sincere guy, but I have doubts sometimes.

 

I don't know. I'm all messed up. lol

 

When it comes to relationships; like I said, I never let myself go. I "act" like the perfect guy. I can be very charming and I know all the right things to say and do to build attraction. However, I can only keep up the 'act' for so long and I end up resenting the person for liking the 'false' me.

[Taking The Lead]

You're socially inadequate. What you should have learned socially and psychologically in highschool went straight over your head. Apparently you think that it's okay to hold yourself back from somebody you have feelings for.

 

I'm sorry, but as long as you're being fake in a relationship you'll garner no sympathy from me.

 

Get ahold of your feelings. Being shy isn't an option anymore.

[someguy88]

So, in fact you didn't sabotage your happiness, because you revealed your feelings instead of hiding them. How is this ruining your chance of a relationship? In order for a relationship to start, someone needs to express those feelings, right? So you gave yourself a chance. Scary because you have something to lose, but a relief because you don't have to keep this inside of you anymore. Well done

 

So... How did she respond???

 

ha! Let's just say that I didn't reveal my feelings in a good way. I sent her a text. lol And yes, I did blow it, because everything was going fine between her and I, but now that she knows she's 'got me' before she's built attraction for me, I'm dead in the water. lol I know how this girl thinks. We're very close now and we were first loves years ago...we are friends, but more than that. I should have just kept my trap shut and let things progress as they may. Declaring my feelings for her at this point is huge turn off for her.

[love4life]

I feel like you've just written down what I've believed to be on my ex's mind. I really feel that after he knew he won me over he started to resent me and stopped opening up. My last encounter with him 3 months ago was very intense (for me) and I told him I see his insecurities but want to support him and see him "be the man I know you can be". I saw him put up a wall and called him on it and pretty much screamed, "Why won't you let me in?!" He only pushed me away more by telling me he'd started seeing someone else (that's proven to have not lasted, though, and I think it was just a way to get me to go away). It's heartbreaking to tell someone you want to do these things for them and love them unconditionally just to have them push you away.

 

Anyway, don't mean to hijack, it's just uncanny, the similarities.

 

Have you considered going to therapy to talk about it? It sounds like you've identified the root of the problem with your relationship with your father. And I think that by stating your feelings to this girl, you've mad a good first step.

[someguy88]

You're socially inadequate. What you should have learned socially and psychologically in highschool went straight over your head. Apparently you think that it's okay to hold yourself back from somebody you have feelings for.

 

I'm sorry, but as long as you're being fake in a relationship you'll garner no sympathy from me.

 

Get ahold of your feelings. Being shy isn't an option anymore.

 

I'm not shy at all in the traditional sense. I'm an extrovert. I'm very aggressive and good at getting women to be attracted to me. My nickname in college was "smooth operator". lol The problem arises when it comes to being real. I don't believe it's okay to hold myself back from somebody I have feelings for. I do believe that it's ridiculous to come right out and profess love for someone before a relationship even exists. Doing that puts a lot of pressure on the other person and more often then not pushes them away.

 

Also, I don't really appreciate tone of your post.

[someguy88]

Yea, I know other women in my life have been as frustrated with me as you are with your ex. Sorry to hear that.

 

Okay, I think you guys might be missing one major point. This girl and I aren't dating. We were together like 10 years ago and we just reconnected as friends months ago. I should have let my actions speak for my feelings instead of my words. What I've done is akin to saying, "yo baby, you want to get married" on a first date. lol

[love4life]

Yea, I know other women in my life have been as frustrated with me as you are with your ex. Sorry to hear that.

 

Okay, I think you guys might be missing one major point. This girl and I aren't dating. We were together like 10 years ago and we just reconnected as friends months ago. I should have let my actions speak for my feelings instead of my words. What I've done is akin to saying, "yo baby, you want to get married" on a first date. lol

 

Were those your exact words? If not, then you should be okay. Take things slow for now but once you feel things are progressing be honest with her about your fears.

[someguy88]

Were those your exact words? If not, then you should be okay. Take things slow for now but once you feel things are progressing be honest with her about your fears.

 

haha! of course those weren't my exact words!

 

She already knows all my 'stuff' and I know all of hers. I know she loves me, but I think because she does know all my 'stuff' that she might want to just be friends. I don't "act" at all with her. I was feeling that her attraction was growing for me, but I scared her away.

[Ampire]

I'm not shy at all in the traditional sense. I'm an extrovert. I'm very aggressive and good at getting women to be attracted to me. My nickname in college was "smooth operator". lol The problem arises when it comes to being real. I don't believe it's okay to hold myself back from somebody I have feelings for. I do believe that it's ridiculous to come right out and profess love for someone before a relationship even exists. Doing that puts a lot of pressure on the other person and more often then not pushes them away.

 

Also, I don't really appreciate tone of your post.

 

 

hhahaah that gave me a good laugh...

[love4life]

haha! of course those weren't my exact words!

 

She already knows all my 'stuff' and I know all of hers. I know she loves me, but I think because she does know all my 'stuff' that she might want to just be friends. I don't "act" at all with her. I was feeling that her attraction was growing for me, but I scared her away.

 

How do you know you scared her away? Did she say so? What's the indication that's how she's feeling?

[arwen]

How do you know you scared her away? Did she say so? What's the indication that's how she's feeling?

 

I was wondering about that too. Yeah, a text is probably not the best way to confess ones feelings. Have you heard from her at all since?

 

As for the more underlying things... I come from a different background but recognize what you say about not deserving love or happiness. Sabotaging potential relationships or happiness is in fact (I think) a matter of control. Instead of others rejecting you when you don't expect it, you sort of push them to reject you, eventhough that's the last thing you want, it confirms the belief that you have deep down (the fact that you keep telling yourself that you don't deserve love anyway). You need to climb out of that pattern. Maybe it will help you to read the book 'Reinventing your life' by Young and Klosko. It's all about the thought patterns that underlie our behaviour and potentially block us from being happy.

 

Arwen

[sun]

I feel very identified with what you are saying, I have sabotaged my success and my happiness in several occasions and to cope with the regrett and guilteness afterwards is very tough.

 

 

I used to be very "successfull" in relationships when I was younger. For me it was a performance, they fell in love with me and I dumped them, mission accomplished: "no love"

 

For my experience I have found out that it is better to be loved for who I am even if it goes wrong than to be loved for somebody who I am not, because I feel they have loved the person they thought I was, no me.

 

 

I am very scared of happiness and success and even more of destroy it myself as I do. If you ever found a good advice please share it.

 

Hope you can break free from your fears. Anyway everybody is a mistery inside and everybody has different fears, it is a big skill to handle them. We learn.

[sun]

ha! Let's just say that I didn't reveal my feelings in a good way. I sent her a text. lol And yes, I did blow it, because everything was going fine between her and I, but now that she knows she's 'got me' before she's built attraction for me, I'm dead in the water. lol I know how this girl thinks. We're very close now and we were first loves years ago...we are friends, but more than that. I should have just kept my trap shut and let things progress as they may. Declaring my feelings for her at this point is huge turn off for her.

 

so you have opened yourself up. That's a progress.

 

Just relax, be prepared for all the scenarios: the worst, the medium and especially the best, which is the one I tend not to be prepared for. Good luck People don't change feelings from one day to the other, just take it easy

[someguy88]

Thanks for the comments everyone! I really do appreciate it.

 

How do you know you scared her away? Did she say so? What's the indication that's how she's feeling?

 

I can feel it. I've been being more aggressive with her about my feelings for her over the last couple of weeks because I deluded myself about her level of attraction for me. It's hard to explain. I understand her better than anyone else in my life. I know what makes her tick and if she were just 'some chick', she'd be putty in my hands. After years of "acting" I've become very good at building attraction...it's really quite pathetic. With her I feel as if I can be myself.

 

 

so you have opened yourself up. That's a progress.

 

Just relax, be prepared for all the scenarios: the worst, the medium and especially the best, which is the one I tend not to be prepared for. Good luck People don't change feelings from one day to the other, just take it easy

 

Thanks. I am trying not to get too worked up, but as with most things, it's easier said than done.

 

I feel very identified with what you are saying, I have sabotaged my success and my happiness in several occasions and to cope with the regrett and guilteness afterwards is very tough.

 

 

I used to be very "successfull" in relationships when I was younger. For me it was a performance, they fell in love with me and I dumped them, mission accomplished: "no love"

 

For my experience I have found out that it is better to be loved for who I am even if it goes wrong than to be loved for somebody who I am not, because I feel they have loved the person they thought I was, no me.

 

 

I am very scared of happiness and success and even more of destroy it myself as I do. If you ever found a good advice please share it.

 

Hope you can break free from your fears. Anyway everybody is a mistery inside and everybody has different fears, it is a big skill to handle them. We learn.

 

I think I could've written these words myself. It's such a ridiculous thing. If I ever do get some good advice I'll be sure to share it. I hope that someday you find some sort of resolution for yourself.

 

all the best

 

I was wondering about that too. Yeah, a text is probably not the best way to confess ones feelings. Have you heard from her at all since?

 

As for the more underlying things... I come from a different background but recognize what you say about not deserving love or happiness. Sabotaging potential relationships or happiness is in fact (I think) a matter of control. Instead of others rejecting you when you don't expect it, you sort of push them to reject you, eventhough that's the last thing you want, it confirms the belief that you have deep down (the fact that you keep telling yourself that you don't deserve love anyway). You need to climb out of that pattern. Maybe it will help you to read the book 'Reinventing your life' by Young and Klosko. It's all about the thought patterns that underlie our behaviour and potentially block us from being happy.

 

Arwen

 

I'm a huge self-help book reader so I'll definitely pick up a copy of that book. Thanks for the tip. What you wrote sounds pretty spot on.

 

Thanks again everyone!