My Husband has no time for me

[FlovesK]

I have been married for five months now. Life has been very difficult since.

I always knew the nature of my husband's work but recently he is getting more responsibilities and have to spend more and more time at work. He loves his job and really wants to prove himself to the company.

 

The problem is now with all the work responsibilities, my husband rarely has the time for me. I know for a fact he loves me alot and I am his priority, he just is not able to put his words into action.

 

By the time he comes home, late at night, he is so tired, he can rarely keep his eyes open.. We have been married for five months only and we share intimacy just once or twice in a week.

 

I have many a times tried and talked to him about it, explained how lonely and hurt i feel whenever he does not have the time for me. He keeps saying he loves me and i m his priority yet he is never able to show me the same. I more often than not cry in bed at night after he is asleep..

 

I do abnormal things to grab his attention like fight with him, sulk, cry, taunt him at times, compare his attention towards me to his attention towards his work and colleagues etc etc etc.. I have gone to the extent of breaking our relationship a few times too.. but he never will let me go. After a fight, things do change for a day or two, he becomes more attentive, but then back to square one.

 

I do feel guilty bout being selfish, not considering his fatigue and need to sleep and end up thinking it is my fault.. but then, dont i have the right to my husbands time, at such an early stage of our relationship? we are crazily in love with each other but why does he take me so much for granted?

 

Its a real dillema i am in right now. Can anyone help on what I should do?

[SapphireNoir10]

I know how you feel. My fiance works long hours and he is often tired and exhausted when he comes home. But in the long run your husband is working hard for you. For your future. Oneday he wont have to work as much and you'll have money and all the nice things you both deserve. Your just going to have to work it out with him. You cant stop him from working long hours because it would be worse if he lost his job.

 

What I always think, that is, in the long run it will be worth it. Maybe you can find more things to do when he isnt there. But you have to accept he has to work hard for you, to look after you.

 

I know how lonely it can feel I really do. But it wont always be that way. However, you are his new wife and he should appreciate you and give you any spare time he has and make the most of it. You sound like you have a very lovely husband who works hard and will never let you go no matter what. Dont push him aways by starting fights.

 

He isnt taking you for granted. He loves you. And your his first priority, but unfortunatley he has to work. it wont always be that way. If its making you cry tell him that! MAybe he will start making more effort. Not making love enough can make you feel awful and unwanted I know! But its inevitable. MAYBE you should talk about going for a holiday?

[FlovesK]

Thanks RoseJessica,

 

Believe me I am always in a constant fight with myself on wat to think. I keep wanting to be the most loving wife for him, especially when he comes home so tired. but the devil inside always gets better off me. We are planning on a Christmas holiday but that again depends on whether he will get time off work or not.

 

I hope things get better next year, when I start working and have my mind occupied on more useful things.

[SapphireNoir10]

Yeah. When your busier you'll understand more. I know what you mean about the devil winning. I always want to be the perfect girlfriend but if hes moody because hes tired or really quiet i find it really hard to understand because im not in the same situation and it can cause problems.

 

You just gotta stay busy and not worry too much. Its sadly just part of life having to work loads!!

[rootcause43]

I do abnormal things to grab his attention like fight with him, sulk, cry, taunt him at times, compare his attention towards me to his attention towards his work and colleagues etc etc etc.. I have gone to the extent of breaking our relationship a few times too..

None of your methods are helping things and blaming it on the devil inside you isn't helping. Marriage is a marathon. But like a marathon there are times that are tough and times that are sheer bliss. Often they are right next to each other.

 

It is unfortunate that during the honeymoon stage you are not able to spend as much time together as you would like - but this is how it is for most people - like the site says ... you are not alone.

 

However, you have to look at the long term and realize that what he is doing now will pay off in the end. He is out proving himself and they are watching. You're going to hate me for this, but start channeling your energies into supporting him and doing what you can for him.

 

It's like the reward one gets for volunteering. Often times you feel much better when you take the focus off of "me, me, me" and place it onto doing something good for someone else in a self-less way - not expecting something in return.

 

The benefit of this will be that you will show him how much you do support him and that you UNDERSTAND he is doing this for the both of you and your children someday (if you so choose). If you do this then my assumption is that any energy he has left over he will contribute to the improving the frequency of 'relations' so to speak.

 

It sounds like to me he is getting pressure at work to perform as well as at home. Let a little of the pressure out.

 

If you are working full-time as well, then you may not have that much time to offer up as support I understand. But every little bit helps.

 

Marriage is about giving and taking at different times. It is your time to give.

[FlovesK]

Thanks for your reply..

 

I have been too harsh on myself on the first post. I m not that bad 24/7..

 

I do support him, I do tell him I am proud of him but it does hurt when all he does is work work and work.

 

He sometimes works at night from home. At times he has to work overnight.. and since we got married, he hasn't had more than 3-4 Sundays off.

 

Is it so bad of me to demand a lil of his time? During weekends (when he gets off ) he wishes to spend the time at home, resting, napping.. I suppress my wish to go out with him for a change.. We rarely go for movies, dinners..

 

Ok, he cannot make it from work on time and all, but do we waste the lil time we get from time to time??

 

Am I not right to get upset with that??? Is not marriage about equal compromise?

[ghost69]

i would never marry a girl i didn't want to do daily.

[Daligal83]

Marriage is about compromise, but sometimes one has to sacrifice more depending on the situation. I'm sure he wishes he could spend a lot more time with you, just like you wish he could. I doubt he's enjoying working so many hours and being so tired all the time.

 

Maybe you could suggest a weekly mandatory date. It's just once a week so it's not all of his free time. But it's a chance for you guys to have relationship time. If work is not put into a relationship, it can't last. So this could be a compromise because I'm sure you want more than once a week, and I'm sure he's going to be exhausted. But make sure to get out and do something at least that often, even if it's just dinner and a movie.

[Gath]

A weekly date is a good idea. I work a job with long hours and I can imagine how tough it would be on a relationship. Frankly if they're still expecting me to do this when I'm married I'll be looking for another job.

 

But at the same time being cruel to him is only going to drive him away from you. The kicker of it all is probably that he thinks he's doing it for you. We're so engrained by everything that the way a man shows a woman love is by buying her stuff that its hard to break that mental conditioning. We'll work ourselves to death for a family that would rather just have us at home.

[Poe]

Keep suggesting to him that he should find a new job. YOU are a priority. The job is just to pay the bills. When push comes to shove, I'm sure he'd rather live in a tent in the wilderness with you than with his lousy job and all alone.

 

Too many relationships fail for lamentable and preventable reasons such as this.

[Poe]

Yea I've read over these threads again, to neglect your marriage for sake of your job is just terrible unless it is an absolute financial necessity.

[3boys]

FlovesK, I know exactly what you mean. My husband usually comes home at a decent time (between 6-7), but when he gets here, he pretty much disengages from me & the kids. We've been married almost 13 years and it's been like this the past 10 or so. I jokingly call myself a "married single mother" because he never seems to be around for much. We've had a few pretty good blow-ups about this especially recently. You just really have to sit him down and tell him how you feel. If you have to, join a club or something to get out of the house for at least a little while.

[Sparkle]

Hi

 

Is there a reason why he needs to work such long hours? Is it financial?

 

Do you work? Do you have kids that you are home looking after?

 

I wonder if it is his drive and determination to do well in his chosen career that is causing him to be away so much.

 

Can you elaborate?

 

It is hard to see how you can compromise with so little info on your part.

thanks

[StretchGee]

You just gotta stay busy and not worry too much. Its sadly just part of life having to work loads!!

 

It is more of a choice. Some people choose to devote a lot t a career for personal and financial satisfaction. Others choose to just have a job, enough to pay the bills, so that they can invest in other things (such as relationships or hobbies).

[Wedgewood]

For many men work becomes an escape when he and his wife do not have a lot in common, when he gets more satisfaction from sitting in front of his computer or talking to his coworkers instead of her. When there are different educational levels, different energy levels, different hobbies or interests. Some men do it with work and some with hobbies. Men do tend to go to their cave a lot more than women, and work is one of them. If he NEEDS to work this hard to survive is one thing, but if he is being extremely ambitious while neglecting his wife, that is not good and will create resentment (or the wife eventually finds a lover who pays more attention to her).

 

Tell him how he can moderate his working hours, and set dates for the week. Allow him a few late nights a week and try to do something fun with your time while he is away, like an evening class, gym, girls night out, meetups, etc. Good luck, I am also married to a man who loves his work more than me

[Lil Missy]

so, i have the same exact problem with my husband. We've been married for 5 months im 20 and hes gonna be 30. I love this man to death! We dated for a year and long distance. i got to see him everyother weekend. When i was dating him i felt like i was in heaven. i couldnt explain this feeling to anyone. He was my first love! But after we got married he changed! He began acting like my father. Im a messy person and hes a neat freak all the way. So ive accepted that i always keep everything clean but for him its still never enough. He even starts fighting about it. I also feel like im his last priority. He never has the time for me. He also has something to do even if its his off day! Im so done with everything. Oh and im 3 months pregnant EVEN BETTER!!! its like what do the do now???? And you know how its often the mother in law that bothers people in my case its my brother in law. Hes 36 , divorced, lives with his parents and over my house every single day and even has the keys to my house??? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALL ABOUT? He needs to get a life! And my opinion never counts its all about what the brother thinks blah blah blah.....In july im moving like 2 hours away from my house due to school. so me and my husband are just going to commute! I cant wait to get my own space and do what i want to do. I want to be a student again. just like it used to be. I think thats why im taking all my husbands crap! And hes never on my side! which hurts but oh well. sooo any suggestions?

[Enigmatika]

Keep suggesting to him that he should find a new job. YOU are a priority. The job is just to pay the bills. When push comes to shove, I'm sure he'd rather live in a tent in the wilderness with you than with his lousy job and all alone.

 

Too many relationships fail for lamentable and preventable reasons such as this.

LOL....When someone becomes a priority over the means of my survival...Hell will freeze.

Yea I've read over these threads again, to neglect your marriage for sake of your job is just terrible unless it is an absolute financial necessity.

Roof over head.

Food in belly

Bills paid.

 

*Love* did not provide that....

 

Reality Check: If you feel your loved one is not spending enough time with you....get a job.

[notsoanonymous]

After recently going through my own mess with regard for him doing something he thought was "for us" and "for me" - I'm going to agree with the poster who states that he likely is working so hard in order to better you both financially and provide for you. At the same time, you are feeling a little neglected and it is frustrating to you. Both parties lose here in a lot of ways.

 

I guess what I wonder is if this is a "new" thing for you guys? Did you jsut move in together when you got married?

 

Or has it always been this way?

[Hellzapoppin]

I do abnormal things to grab his attention like fight with him, sulk, cry, taunt him at times, compare his attention towards me to his attention towards his work and colleagues etc etc etc.. I have gone to the extent of breaking our relationship a few times too.. but he never will let me go. After a fight, things do change for a day or two, he becomes more attentive, but then back to square one.

 

I do feel guilty bout being selfish, not considering his fatigue and need to sleep and end up thinking it is my fault.. but then, dont i have the right to my husbands time, at such an early stage of our relationship? we are crazily in love with each other but why does he take me so much for granted?

 

I'm going to speak to you as if you are my daughter; I hope you don't mind. I hope you do not get offended, but I'll say the exact things to you, that I would say to her...

 

Girl, you need to get a life, and you need to grow the F. up.

 

You've got a good man who is busting his a** to get ahead. He wants to establish himself in his career; he's probably thinking of your future - and what do YOU do?

You pout, sulk, pick fights, and act like a two-year-old toddler.

 

My God.

 

You love each other and you're still newlyweds. The man is working like a fiend so you will be financially secure. Grow up - he isn't your father, he's your husband. Of course you miss him when you're not together; but that's because YOU ARE NOT BUSY YOURSELF, WITH YOUR OWN LIFE, YOUR OWN PROJECTS....if *you* had your own life, you wouldn't be sitting around, whining because your husband works so hard; you wouldn't EXPECT to be entertained. You are having sex about twice a week; so you're not being neglected in the bedroom.

 

Grow up and start being a helpmeet instead of a hindrance.

 

Your behavior is just sad.

 

Here are my suggestions:

 

Change the way you are looking at your husband and this situation; girl, be grateful you've got a good, hard-workin' MAN. Do what you can, to "take care of him" when he comes home, make your home a sanctuary where he can rest and refresh himself and enjoy your new marriage.....cook for him, heck, give him a backrub when he comes home!

 

Why aren't you working?

 

If you don't work, or go to school, look into developing an internet business or something. Get occupied and get interested in YOUR OWN projects! Life is much more exciting and rewarding when you stop expecting other people to meet your needs, and you learn to do things on your own, for yourself. If you and your DH are healthy, then you need to start living each day and quit complaining about your lot in life. It's time to grow up. Get interested in the world around you; develop yourself; develop your skills and HELP your husband as he strives to ensure your financial security and his career.....your marriage will be much happier.