Is it too late?

[breakaway]

I've been dating my boyfriend for over 2 years. We spent everyday together through college and now i'm at university 30minutes away, before i left he told me he wasnt willing to make it work. I went on holiday before university and the day i got abroad he left me for somebody else, i was heartbroken i didnt leave the room for 2 weeks, when i came back he wanted sex, and me wanting him so badly agreed to it, eventually i won him over and we got back together, but the effort on his behalf has completely gone.

 

he admitted just last week that throughout the relationship he had an addiction to calling 'call girls' for phone sex on a daily basis, that he had internet relationships with women and that he had visited strip clubs behind my back, it really really hurt, whilst he laughed i begged for him back and he agreed to one last chance saying i need to change my ways.

 

If i thought i had done something wrong i wouldnt be posting this but i don't know what i have done, could he be that vengeful that i'm at uni? last night he stayed over and i couldnt resist looking at his phone, he had been texting his friend saying he will go out clubbing with them on saturday and he's meeting up with the girl he left me for months before. It really hurt, yet i took the blame for looking through his phone. I told him i cant do this if he continues to be her friend because its breaking us apart and he refuses to drop her. Months ago he would of dropped anybody for me, i don't know what to do, i'm in such a state, i dont want to lose him. Please help. xxxxxxxxxxxx

[SapphireNoir10]

Why dont you want to loose him? Does he make you happy? Does he make you feel happy, loved, special and complete? No. Hes making you miserable and confused and theres someone out there who can make you feel like the most special person on the planet instead of messing you around.

[breakaway]

But the thing is, he does make me happy, its me, i upset myself. I go snooping through his phone to find things that will upset me. Last night we had an amazing night he never stopped looking at me and said 'i love you' every two minutes he hasnt been that way for months. I'm just so scared he is going to leave me for someone else, i've tried everything to make him happy, i've gave me him presents i've spent what was left of my student loan on bus fair to go and see him iv gave him romantic gestures and i'm out of ideas. He is my life, where i am living now i am with students who i won't see ever again after these 3 years, i'm not close to my family we planned everything together and i get on so well with his family, we are really close. i am so stuck and lost. xx

[SapphireNoir10]

I know exactly how you feel. But I also think that you are naive to think its your fault. He is the one that broke up with you, you begged for him back whilst he LAUGHED? Does this seem like the behaviour of someone who loves and cares for you?

 

If he loved you that much, he wouldnt break up with you and he wouldnt phone call girls and he wouldnt want relationships with other women and break your trust. He wouldnt DO that to you.

 

A man who loves you and cherishes you doesnt need other women. You should be his everything and the first thing in his life.

 

Sure he can be nice every now and then but its the whole 'Sweet and Mean' treatment.

 

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You will see for example

 

 

 

 

"The Loser"

 

Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the "fatal attraction" often described in movies. There are a variety of "bad choices" that may be encountered each week - most of which are easily to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging individuals, this paper will outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a male or female labeled "The Loser".

 

 

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

 

Check out that website

 

Yeah he makes you happy sometimes

 

But is it enough?

 

And its not you. It is him. He is at fault. And you could do a hundred times better.

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

Sounds like he treats you very badly- he doesn't make you happy. Why do you want to be with him? You say that you snoop, and although I certainly think that snooping is wrong... it tells me that you don't trust him. And you can't trust him because you KNOW he is addicted to call girls- that is why you have an urge to control him and search in his phone.

 

Do yourself a favour and consider breaking things off with him. A relationship can be so different than what you are experiencing now.

 

Arwen

[pinkelephant]

hi,

 

 

you should know it isn't your fault he's acting like this. i've been there. he made me feel like i was delusional and crazy. i was second guessing myself all the time, he made me feel like i was at fault. i snooped (not that i condone snooping at all) and found out that he treated his ex the same way.

 

the same mind screwing, making her feel like she was overreacting, the wrong one. whatever he did, she would cry and apologize for it. it made me realize it was him and not me.

 

honestly, you simply moved away, this gave him no excuse to be acting like a complete jerk. and if it made him vengeful, there is something VERY wrong with him that CANNOT be dismissed. trust me, i know it's hard to believe, but i really have been here.

 

he also acted very vengeful toward me, if i did something wrong, he'd "punish" me for it. everytime. punish?? even my own father doesnt "punish" me. there's something very wrong with him. stay away.

 

its so hard to, because i understand your kind of loneliness, but if you would just try and open up, you could find a very rewarding relationship at university.

[breakaway]

Your quite right, My boyfriend allways uses the word 'punish' i really really don't know what i have done wrong, When he got with me he had just ended it with his ex girlfriend, and i seriously thought she was some nut job, psychopathic if im being honest - but i realised with time, love makes you feel that way. When he wants to leave me i would much rather harm myself than see him walk away and yes it sounds crazy but i love him unconditionally. i have to admit, the other night i stayed over at his house and he was texting some girl, i got so jealous and paranoid that i just cried and i couldnt stop, he was screaming at me to shut up saying i have mental issues and needed help, which made me cry more, he told me when he was out he looked at other girls because they were a lot happier than me. Being the person i am i do tend to let him walk all over me, but as soon as he said that it really pained me that i stood up for myself, telling him that he couldnt treat women that way, he dragged me from my hair on to the floor and spat in my face continuosly. why do i want to be with him? he cheats on me, hes violent, he obviously has problem, so why on hell do i want to protect him and be with him. My family wont speak to me because i am with him, because they have seen what he can do, i have nobody but him, but i can't walk away from him, what on earth is wrong with me?!xxxx

[Clabs]

Hey breakaway

 

You need to break up with this guy as soon as you can. You have seen what a nut job his ex seems - this is a good insight into what you will be like if you stick around.

 

This is an abusive and corrosive relationship. Abusive people like this prey on your good nature. They act badly, you put up with the bad behaviour because you don't want to rock the boat. In accepting his bad behaviour, he loses respect for you. You in turn lose a little self respect and self esteem. They do this again and again, sucking you back in and then treating you badly. Each and every time they lose more and more respect for you, your self estemm and confidence take another hit.

 

Because of your lack of esteem and confidence, you don't believe anyone else will ever want you - you will be so alone - so you stick around. In the meantime, his treatment of you will get worse and worse - now he is physically abusing you too.

 

If you allow these vicious cycles to continue, he will eventually destroy you - destroy you and move on.

 

God this "man" disgusts me. He is a nasty bastard and an abusive bully, and he needs taking outside and given a good hard lesson in manners.

 

Honey - you have to get away from him, you really do. What will he do to you next? Respect yourself and love yourself a little more. You say that your family won't talk to you because they have seen how awful he is - but I can tell you that they will be overjoyed if they learn that you left him!

 

He is the one with the mental issues - not you. No wonder you cry and are not as happy as other girls - that is because they are not being abused by him.

 

Come on honey - please do yourself a favour. You aren't alone - you will get your family back - and you have us lot on here if you feel lonely or down. It won't be too long before your confidence and esteem begin to return. Once you start to feel the relief that you will feel when you do muster up the courage to get away from him,you will begin to feel better about your situation - your smile will start to come back and you will be on the road to getting the wonderful you back again.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Mark

[pinkelephant]

wow, freaky that you posted at 11;11. that was our "aniversary". its crazy how theyre so alike. it took me a year and a half to be more rational, i dont know if i can actually really walk away from him yet but i know that he's sick in the head. so is your guy. i know its hard, but it'll be so much easier with time.

 

i know it sounds rubbish, but it's really true. try to get support from others, im not sure what else to tell you but you really need to get away and perhaps therapy.

 

theres nothing wrong with you that you cant fix. it's just the abuse that makes you like this. my mom was abused by my dad and it took her 5 years to leave - shes the strongest person ive ever known. but the abuse really mess with your head.

 

i really hope you get away from him.