Spending Christmas together

[Flapjacks]

Ok, this is my first post on this forum, but I'm just confused about something, need an avenue to vent, and would love to hear what other people think. It seems very minor, but I have other means to get this out for the time being, so I appreciate any feedback.

 

A little background, my girlfriend and I have been going out about a year. It got fairly serious fairly quickly, and has remained so. She's nearly 19 and I'm 26, which presents an age difference that may or may not play a factor in the preceding story. She's recently moved out from her parents, and currently lives with my parents while she attends college (long story, but suffice it to say extreme control issues living with her parents). I live approximately 400 miles away during the week for work, and on weekends I return to my parents. So we live together on weekends and about 10 weeks of vacation time during the year.

 

Anyways, she brought up today that on Christmas day she'd like to spend approximately 2 hours with two friends of hers. I have no issue with this. The friends were there for her when she moved away from home. And given her current relationship with her parents, she won't have any direct family to spend time with on Christmas Day. The catch however, is that I haven't been invited to go along with her, and don't expect to be. The two friends will be having a set of parents over, and they don't particularly like the age difference, so one of the two really doesn't care for me, for no reason other than that. I haven't even been given the opportunity to be friendly with him. My girlfriend doesn't want to ask for an invite for me, and doesn't want to make the situation awkward.

 

Now on the surface, I see no issues with this. She'll have limited social support beyond me and my family, and would like to accept the invitation to go over to her friends. I have no issues, I can get along just fine for a couple hours by myself. If it helps her, or makes her feel good, then I'm more than happy.

 

The catch is, and this is whats nagging at me, is that the reverse situation would never fly. If it were me going somewhere without her being invited on any day, especially Christmas, there would be conflict. In situations where she's been unavailable to go with me when I've visited friends and family I hadn't seen in quite some time, she's been upset that I didn't wait to go with her. Or if I've gone on trips for work, she's immediately asked why I didn't ask her to go with me. Now, there have been occasions where I haven't been vocal about her being invited or welcome at places. Situations where I have no issues with her coming with me, but I should have said "why don't you join me" and didn't. But she typically has issues with me going somewhere and not inviting her or asking her to come along, whether or not she's available. And in any situations where she may not have been invited (i.e. nights out with the boys), she has stated "I'd be pretty angry if you went without me" and I've simply declined to go because she wasn't available. In fact, if I had friends who said "oh why don't you come visit, but leave your Girlfriend behind" I feel that I would simply begin to dissociate with the friend. That situation has never occurred though.

 

Anyways, thats the situation, and although we've attempted to discuss it, it just doesn't ever seem to have resolve. Its an ongoing conflict. Am I being irrational and petty, or do I have a valid complaint? Beyond what I view as a double standard for the type of situation, and being slightly angry about the rudeness of her friends, I don't see a problem saying "go, have fun, say hi for me". I just don't appreciate the way it all seemed to work out.

 

Thanks in advance

[arwen]

I think people should always be careful in turning things around in a discussion/argument- although you are probably right in it seeing that she is very particular about being included in your activities. If I were you I'd now simply inform her about your feelings in this and leave it at that. She is obviously for some reason not willing to make concessions.

 

I really understand what you mean, in the past I had a bf who would regularly suddenly decide to spend holidays with friends and not even invite me (well sometimes he did, but it was certainly not something that I could count on. This made me incredibly insecure!).

 

Take care,

 

Arwen

[ftheunion]

Ya, its sucks, but don't nag her about it. She needs to be free to make up for her parents being dumb. So even if the relationship should fail its good for her to live at your parents house and associate with whoever.

[ghost69]

i used to spend christmas with multiple families. my ex and i would end up driving all over town to hit each of our family's festivities. it was actually kind of fun. i wouldn't have said anything if she said she wanted to be with her family and didn't want me to come.

[Flapjacks]

Yeah, I get all that and have no issue with it. I guess being flexible, and even though I don't particularly care for the way everything worked out, I'll shut up and let it be.

 

Like I said, I don't have any issues with her going away for two hours, or two days or two weeks for that matter. But it sucks when its a "yeah, and you're not allowed to come, and I'm content with letting that happen".

 

This whole little thing turned into a huge argument. The double standard started it, but then inability to communicate with each other on a constructive level. I wasn't able to express that I didn't appreciate the double standard, and the situation devolved from there.

 

I also think in the state of anger that I got into, this was the double standard that broke the camel's back, I guess. Little things like certain rules that we've established (because of insecurity issues), but when the roles are reversed, she suddenly wants to change the rules. And there seems to be no flexibility. Its her way, so I adapt, and then shes in a similar situaiton, and then all of sudden her way becomes different for the changing situation.

 

I don't know.