Emotional Cheating?

[sekrg]

My partner has a 'friendship' with a married woman who now lives some distance from him. When they lived in the same town she visited him (without her husband), went out with him and they had long conversations and shared all intimate details about each other's lives. He told me the relationship was not physical so it's all okay. When he moved she asked if she could come and live with him (she didn't but she kept asking), and they keep in contact through email, SMS and phone. it took him a long time to tell her he was in a relationship with me and when I asked why he could not tell her he said he had to break it to her gently. He also told me he had trust issues with me (I have never betrayed him or done anything to warrant that) and that she was the only person he could trust. He has just received a Christmas card from her which says they can trust, comfort and believe in each other and they make a special difference in each other's lives. Oh, and his friendship is a priceless treasure to her. He gave her all his contact details so they could keep in touch but even after we started a relationship he did not give me his mobile number or postal address. She knows things about him that I don't - even when I ask about specific things he won't tell me but he has shared these things with her. How can I have a relationship with someone who does not share or communicate with me but does all this with someone else? She went to him for financial and diet advice (he is NOT a nutritionist or a financial planner) and she has told him he is the only person who understands her. She still lives with her husband and I feel for him because he is in the same situation as me - with someone who is emotionally attached to someone else. I am really upset that my partner told me he trusts her but not me and also upset that she had/has all his contact details but I didn't.

I told him when you give someone your phone numbers, address etc you are inviting them into your life, asking them to be in contact with you and when you don't give someone your phone number etc it is because you don't want them in your life. I feel he has asked her into his life but not me.

[arwen]

Hi sekrg,

 

I am very sorry for your situation. It sounds like your partner is very attached to that 'friend'- especially if he tells her more things than he does you.

 

Is there any reason that would explain him not trusting you? Because that is a problem that could be independent from what is going on with that 'friend'. But on the other side, sometimes people who are not able to trust, are that way because they know they cannot be trusted themselves.

 

I think it's time you open up to him about how this situation makes you feel and ask him what his view is on the future with you.

[sekrg]

Is there any reason that would explain him not trusting you?

 

No, none that I can see. I don't cheat or betray. I left my home town and family to move to another town with him.

[SinfullySweet]

You moved to be with him, but don't have his mobile number? That is absurd! His "friendship" is an issue secondary to his relationship with you. Did I misunderstand?

[sekrg]

You moved to be with him, but don't have his mobile number? That is absurd! His "friendship" is an issue secondary to his relationship with you. Did I misunderstand?

 

 

I know his mobile number now, but we were months into our relationship before he gave it to me and yet she had it.

I am just tired of being treated with disrespect and like she gets all the respect and love and I get the negativity and nasty comments. She gets his trust yet she is married? I don't betray or cheat and I get no trust?

He stops me from talking - I have to listen to him for hours on end yet when I talk he gets angry because I just blabber on and on or he justs walks away while I am speaking. Yet he can have looooong phone conversations with her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This guy is disrespecting you. I would suggest you get out of the relationship so that he is "free" to pursue his married woman. What goes around comes around and she will likely not leave hubby for him so he will lose both of you. He doesn't trust you because he knows HE is not trustworthy...he is cheating on you..whether that has crossed over to physical cheating is anybody's guess, but he is certainly emotionally cheating. I think he has you around for appearances...his heart is tied up with this married woman. Let him go, he is not worth your time.

[arwen]

I think this relationship only causes you distress. Not only does he disrespect you and the normal boundaries of an intimate relationship, he also cannot be trusted. Personally, trust and respect are KEY ingredients for a relationship, and without those it's awfully hard to carry on- it's like you are doing all the 'relationship' work and he can do whatever he pleases.

 

Arwen

[Gath]

tough situation with multiple issues.

 

from your description, he's known this woman longer than he's known you. if its true that she's a friend, not a lover, then its a preexisting relationship that you really don't have any ground to demolish. the status of their relationship hasn't changed, they've been this close since you and him started dating. i'm sorry, but you can't suddenly tell him he has to end it. its no different from trying to cut off an old buddy. i would have to be in pretty deep into a relationship to even consider a request that i sever or decrease ties with one of my best buddies.

 

it's still your right to ask because it obviously hurts you, but i wouldn't be surprised if he chose his friendship with her over you at this point. if i may ask, how long have you two been seeing each other?

[sekrg]

I have known him for more than 2 years and we have been in a relationship for one year. I don't expect him to cut off his friends but he has told me how she has 'crossed the boundaries' and tried to turn their 'friendship' into something more even though she is married. When she calls here and I answer the phone she is rude and abrupt to me, he also tells her details of our relationship that should be kept private but it took him a long time to tell her about me. My point is if she is married and just a friend, why keep me a secret for so long?

[Gath]

I have known him for more than 2 years and we have been in a relationship for one year. I don't expect him to cut off his friends but he has told me how she has 'crossed the boundaries' and tried to turn their 'friendship' into something more even though she is married. When she calls here and I answer the phone she is rude and abrupt to me, he also tells her details of our relationship that should be kept private but it took him a long time to tell her about me. My point is if she is married and just a friend, why keep me a secret for so long?

 

He probably didn't want to tell you because he cares about both of you (albeit in different ways) and didn't want to hurt you. its stupid, but hey, us guys can be about stuff like that.

 

with this information though, I think I see where you're coming from more. He definetly wants to keep the relationship on the level, but this other woman does not appear to be willing to settle for that. In that case, at least in my opinion, you're more entitled to ask him to limit this relationship.

[sekrg]

He probably didn't want to tell you because he cares about both of you (albeit in different ways) and didn't want to hurt you. its stupid, but hey, us guys can be about stuff like that.

 

with this information though, I think I see where you're coming from more. He definetly wants to keep the relationship on the level, but this other woman does not appear to be willing to settle for that. In that case, at least in my opinion, you're more entitled to ask him to limit this relationship.

 

He didn't keep me a secret from his male friends or another female friend but he could not bring himself to tell this woman. I don't think he wanted the dynamics of their friendship/relationship to change. Meaning I don't think he wanted it to become just a regular friendship - he likes the adulation he gets from her. He told me he even had to speak to her husband to assure him there was nothing going on. Well, even if they had not been physical there is still something going on because an emotional relationship is deeper than a physical one. And she tells him things she doesn't tell her husband. And I am sick of being compared to her - I can't be trusted because she is the only person he can trust.