Wife seems distant and not engaged in relshp

[msucountry]

Wife and I have been married for 6 years and we have two beautiful children. By any account, our life is pretty good. We have great careers, a nice home, yada yada. A part of me has always felt somewhat uneasy about my wife's ability to engage in what I consider to be true intimacy. She is, hmmm.. how to put this, matter of fact in her manner and someone who takes pride in staying organized and on top of things, qualities that I love about her. If you were to ask her, she'd say that she loves me and our family and so on.

 

Compared to her, I tend to be more attuned to the emotional / intimate dimension of our relationship. I too appreciate the importance of maintaining the household, and staying on top of life's demands, but I also see our marriage as much more than merely an arrangement. I love her; I feel that special spark for her; in addition to liking her as a person, I am very sexually drawn to her. And naturally, I tend to very sensitive about whether she is on the same wavelength in terms of her having these feelings for me. I guess that on a philosophical level I believe these more chemistry-oriented elements are vital to a marriage - and I refuse to remain in a relationship that has been reduced to a living arrangement. Its in the little things. When I come home at night, she has usually fallen asleep. When she puts our children to bed, she will often allow herself to fall asleep in their beds, and will stay there - as opposed to being motivated to return to our bedroom to share some intimate time with me. Now, before I sound to unreasonable, let me say that I appreciate how all of us become tired from time to time and do not expect her or anyone to be poised for romance at every moment I am. But, you all know what I mean... how differently so many situations turn out when one person really "wants" the other - and how this desire will cause people to behave very differently than she otherwise would, how when faced with the choice of falling asleep versus spending alone time together, being "in love" can cause someone who is very tired to feel very awake.

 

I just don't feel these things from her. In subtle ways, she rarely seems to take advantage of opportunities to convey feelings of desire and attraction to me. When I ask her she claims that its just "who she is" and that she deeply loves me and wants nothing more than to be with me. I'm left feeling like I don't believe her in part and that deep-down she probably does know that certain feelings for me have dried up, and also that there probably is some truth in the fact that this is just her personality.

 

Whether its one, the other, or some of both, I am left feeling much of the time like I am in an imbalanced relationship - one in which I want her (at least in certain ways) more than she wants me. I am not interested in remaining in that.

 

And yet, there is so much at stake if we contemplated divorce, regrarding the household, kids, etc.

 

It leaves me feeling perplexed.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone - has your relationship always been like this, or has the intimacy tapered off the last few years? on some level, you liked this aloofness about her, because you married her. But now it is not a quality you like so much.

[msucountry]

Yes, you are right about a part of me liking this quality. But it has definitely tapered over the years. Even though I recognize that her personality limits her ability to speak my language in this way, it has definitely diminished over the years. The difficult part is that for some reason my interest in her and attraction to her has recently intensified.

[StretchGee]

he difficult part is that for some reason my interest in her and attraction to her has recently intensified.

 

Likely because she appears to be pulling away. That is the nature of attraction – that it builds when the object of our desire is less available.

 

Can you try that with your wife? Paradoxically, if you pull away she may pursue.

[msucountry]

Yes, I totally agree - how it is simply a reality that attraction tends to grow when the thing (or person) can't be easily conquered. How do I do this though? How, in a marriage, where one would hope these games aren't so much at play, do I reverse this tension? Especially when I am pretty worn down at this point by having to think about these issues with, of all people, my wife. We were recently pseudo-separated and I was able to get a taste (in another relationship that barely got off of the ground, and of which she is aware) of how different life can be when you are with someone who adores, respects, and desires you - just because she is that fascinated with who you are. It's really quite amazing. My wife claims that she loves me and wants nothing more than for us to stay together, but can I ever hope that she will make me feel this? And perhaps most painful, she doesn't even seem willing to be that generous in her emotionality and intimacy with me. So... I should try and force my mind to regress back to high school and figure out how to play cat and mouse?

[oliver]

msucountry, I was just searching through the posts and came accross yours. I am in an almost identical position. My wife and I have been married for 4 years and we have a 3 year old daughter.

I have always been the more affectionate one in the relationship but for the last few years my wifes enthusiasm has definiately waned. She too claims to love me, but she rarely (if ever) takes *any* initiative to show it....I actually have to ask for a hug most of the time. If I don't (I've gone weeks), no hugs or physical affection. Sex is infrequent and when it happens, it's hit or miss.

 

The thing is, I'm actually falling into what could best be described as clinical depression over this, and I find myself needing constant verbal reassurance from my wife that she still cares. She claims to love me but says that she is busy...that being said, she constantly goes out of her way to make plans to see friends (male and female) while I am lucky if any date I plan with her doesn't get canceled by her for whatever reason. It hurts tremendously. I fell like I'm going crazy.

 

I'm getting a bit desperate. If it weren't for my daughter I would have left a long time ago. I may still have to, but the thought of separating my daily life from my daughter is virtually impossible to even contemplate. I'd sooner cut off my arm.

 

Did you ever find a resolution to your dilemma? Did anything help?

[Enigmatika]

We were recently pseudo-separated and I was able to get a taste (in another relationship that barely got off of the ground, and of which she is aware) of how different life can be when you are with someone who adores, respects, and desires you - just because she is that fascinated with who you are. It's really quite amazing. My wife claims that she loves me and wants nothing more than for us to stay together, but can I ever hope that she will make me feel this?

In essense...you cheated on your wife, and now wonder why she has withdrawn from you?

 

....

She is still with you....that should answer the question.

 

Fundamental difference between the sexes:

Men tend to express and receive affirmation of 'Love' through Sex.

Women tend to be somewhat different in this...not all, but many.

 

Sometimes...myself included, we miss the subtle "hints" ...until, in his male frustration he blasts it out.

 

Men are sooo illogical.

 

TELL HER, what you are Feeling. Try to do so without anger. The results may surprise you.

I find myself needing constant verbal reassurance from my wife that she still cares.

*ouch*

...Thank you for your post....helps me to understand my wonderful hubby a bit more.

[JadedStar]

In essense...you cheated on your wife, and now wonder why she has withdrawn from you?

 

....

She is still with you....that should answer the question.

 

Fundamental difference between the sexes:

Men tend to express and receive affirmation of 'Love' through Sex.

Women tend to be somewhat different in this...not all, but many.

 

Sometimes...myself included, we miss the subtle "hints" ...until, in his male frustration he blasts it out.

 

Men are sooo illogical.

 

TELL HER, what you are Feeling. Try to do so without anger. The results may surprise you.

 

*ouch*

...Thank you for your post....helps me to understand my wonderful hubby a bit more.

 

I am not so quick to judge this man. If the wife is giving zero intimacy and falling asleep in the kiddo's beds then she need not think her husband is a machine who should rejuvenate on his own. He needs/wants to be adored. As i am sure she needs/wants as well. I do not think this is something that should be a "want to have" in a relationship. We need this in order to feel energized and loved.

 

I have been in two marriages that were polar opposite. I have seen a lot of things. one thing I know and have learned is that if a woman is an ice queen and doesn't want or give intimacy then she opens up a can of worms for herslef. Reading his post it does not sound to me like this woman is really doing much to do her share or help with intimacy at all in this relationship. I don't condone what he did seeking it elsewhere, but she isn't getting any pats on the back for a job well done either.

[Enigmatika]

Was not judging him...however as you pointed out, he did seek fulfillment elsewhere...??? That is dead wrong. In doing so, it simply exacerbates the current problem.

 

Betrayal will only lead to further distancing from someone that is clearly not as 'needy' of reassurance. What effort further should she expend once she has been betrayed? On what basis? It becomes HIS role to mend that broken line of Trust and Love. She will very carefully engage...if she will at all.

 

Each couple has their own unique dynamic. Each person within the couple is also unique in their needs/wants/ demands of their partner.

 

Nobody can hurt you as deeply as the one you Love, wether it be actions or inactions. However ACTIONS of Betrayal...:sad:

[JadedStar]

Ah but i didn't say i condoned him, I said i am not so quick to judge. Big difference.

 

Betrayal isn't the only thing that hurts a marriage. Feeling invisible hurts quite a bit as well.

 

Like I said, this is not about condoning, it is about not judging.

 

I think some women have ridiculous expectations in their marriage. Sorry, i do, I've seen it in friend's marriages. there are some women who want to be adored yet do nothing of any substance at all to deserve it.

[Enigmatika]

Ah but i didn't say i condoned him, I said i am not so quick to judge. Big difference.

 

Betrayal isn't the only thing that hurts a marriage. Feeling invisible hurts quite a bit as well.

 

Like I said, this is not about condoning, it is about not judging.

It is not about denial, it is not about mutual denial. It is about non-mutual denial.

 

I think some women have ridiculous expectations in their marriage. Sorry, i do, I've seen it in friend's marriages. there are some women who want to be adored yet do nothing of any substance at all to deserve it.

Clarify what you mean by "substance"....

[msucountry]

I hadn't been on this site for some time and just read your response. Can you tell me how things are going? Regardless of the tactics I apply, my situation seems to be worsening. My wife simply doesn't seem to be motivated to engage at all. It's very difficult to make progress when one person possesses that requisite desire and motivation, and the other doesn't. I have tried, for days at a time, to turn the tables and do my best to play "hard to get" and distance myself from her, hoping this might ignite something. She still sleeps on the couch most nights, but wouldn't admit to this as an intentional avoidance of intimacy with me - but of course I know it is just that. I try to occupy myself with thoughts and interests other than her, simply to allow for some cooling off, but its difficult when the rejection and resentment has been mounting for so long. I'm at a loss. We have two beautiful children and when I think about dissolving everything and attempting to establish a new arrangement and life, I feel sick. I can't imagine not waking up in the same house as my children every morning. And for some reason, despite the fact that she's done nothing lately to garner my affections, i find myself feeling drawn to her, and intensely wanting to preserve our relationship - maybe its because she is pulling away. I'm really at a loss these days and admit that I have allowed this situation to weigh me down and really affect my life. I feel rather out of control in this at the moment.

[msucountry]

She too became involved with someone, and actually, it was her little relationship that gave me permission [in my mind] to allow a connection with the other woman to occur. I have told her how I "feel" with anger and without anger a million times. She doesn't engage or respond in a way that would suggest she feels anything for me at the moment.

[ANewPerson]

I completely sympathize with you, as your situation is similar to my own.

 

My wife, “Sara”, and I met in our early thirties shortly after my first marriage of fourteen years ended in divorce. Sara is stunningly beautiful, extremely intelligent, witty, well-spoken, fun loving and full of life. She is also brash, facetious, sarcastic, fiercely independent and honest to a fault. She’s lived life by her own rules. With no regrets. No qualms about the decisions she’s made or the experiences she’s had. Sara is a realist. And has held true to this ideal through every facet of her life. Including her sexuality. Hence, her licentious personality. And her matter of fact, nonchalant approach to sexual intimacy (aka: rough sex vs. love making).

 

So it goes without saying that Sara had a very promiscuous past…….

 

After a year and a half of dating, Sara asked me to marry her. And considering the number of marriage proposal she herself had declined over the years (both long term committed relationships as well as casual sex partners), I felt that I had managed to connect with Sara on a level she had been so reluctant to avoid most of her life.

 

In the beginning, when our relationship made the transition from friends to lovers, sex for Sara and I was frequent and provocative. Extremely lustful and intense (ie: rough and naughty). Which was radically different from the slow, methodical lovemaking I had experienced with my ex-wife. But this type of sexual intimacy, that is, the “rough stuff”, was new and exciting for me. As a result, Sara and I enjoyed equal portions of passion, as well as downright sensuality, for the better part of our relationship.

 

But that all changed after her marriage proposal. She became more distant. More withdrawn. She has since lost her desire for sex all together. Any form of intimacy, with exception of cuddling before we go to sleep or a placid kiss on the cheek during the day, has since faded. Every other aspect of our relationship is fine. We just don’t have sex.

 

What adds to my frustration is the knowledge that, at least at one time, Sara had a very active sex life with her previous boyfriends and casual liaisons. Where as before she met me, she frequented college parties and nightclubs, with the soul purpose of finding a casual hookup for the night. Or would go out on the town with previous boyfriends, dance, drink, and enjoy the late night pleasures a couple would experience when they got home.

 

Not so much now with her own husband. She’s become quite the homebody. No desire to enjoy a night out with me (we NEVER went out on the town while we were dating, though I wanted so much to do so). Sex now is sporadic at best. And she seems to pull away from me whenever I try to show her a simple little display of affection like a kiss or hug.

 

And yet she tells me she loves me every chance she gets.

 

I would really like to know what it is that's changed.

[Enigmatika]

She too became involved with someone, and actually, it was her little relationship that gave me permission [in my mind] to allow a connection with the other woman to occur. I have told her how I "feel" with anger and without anger a million times. She doesn't engage or respond in a way that would suggest she feels anything for me at the moment.

Two wrongs don't make a "Right." ..how cliche, yet ever so true..

Counseling for both of you, separately and jointly.