What if "The One" is a cheat?

[Jetta]

Okay I think I met the one. He has a lot of flaws, and one of them is infidelity. Now what? Do you walk away from the one? Figure this is what God intends you to work on in your life? What do you do?

 

He is the love of my life. It's a strong love like Johnny Cash and his 2nd wife June had. The kind of love I'll feel like I'll die if I'm not with him, yet he's a cheat?! I don't think I can handle cheating. He's a bartender and exposes himself to that constantly. What do you do?

[Batya33]

makes no sense: "if I feel strong love for him then he must be the One and since he is the One then I have to put up with cheating" What about "since he cheats he cannot be the One?"

 

Nope. You feel strong love - sounds a lot more like infatuation or an idealized movie version of love - but even if you feel strong love it doesn't mean the two of you are compatible for a relationship.

[RayKay]

If he cheats on you he's not "the One".

 

You say you "think" you met the one; how long have you been dating?

I am a little concerned you would "die without him" whether you just started dating (though it is MORE alarming if it early) or have been dating a long time (still alarming, but if you have been together 70 years and your lives are that tied together I can see feeling that way not that it makes it any healthier) - it's quite needy amongst other things.

 

To me it comes accross as more about "wanting" him to be the one - or a romantic "Hollywood" version of love rather than the real stuff.

 

I really advise against deciding someone is the "one" before you actually have time to see them as they really are and develop a relationship. The one does not just float down on us from nowhere - they are genuinely real people flaws and all...and the "one" is ultimately the person we decide to build a life with. That and there is more than one "one" out there, but you won't find the RIGHT one until you end it with the "one" that really isn't.

 

I don't believe in God, but if I "did" I would say he does not expect you to be passive in your life and gives you the gift of choice and strength to also take care of yourself and make choices that are healthy for you.

 

From what I understand of Cash; he may have cheated BEFORE June (on his first wife), but didn't ON her.

[Hope75]

If he cheats on you he's not "the One".

 

It's as simple as that.

[annie24]

are you actually dating this bartender?

[Day_Walker]

There is never just "one" there are "many", if you choose to be with this man then that is all it is a choice, nothing more and nothing less. No matter the emotional bond you have with this man, you still have to make smart choices.

[BellaDonna]

Okay I think I met the one. He has a lot of flaws, and one of them is infidelity. Now what? Do you walk away from the one?

 

Don't walk away, run away.

[JadedStar]

I have no idea how someone can be the "one" but also be known for infidelity. That is a juxtaposition that just does not seem plausible.

 

I'd also caution anyone comparing a romance to any celebs. What we see and hear is not always what really is the truth. No offense to Johnny and June as i know little about them but I make it a rule not to covet celeb relationships as I don't really "know" them.

[Jayar]

Your problem is, you are defining "The One" as the one you happen to have obsessive (unhealthy) "love" for... What you're forgetting about is that "The One" should love YOU in return. And he wouldn't cheat on you if he did.

[toshiba]

If someone is a cheater, they're someone who is not capable of real love.

Also, when someone cheats, they carry other traits with them as well, such as lying, lack of accountability, and very often, substance abuse problems, such as drinking.

 

They often make up for these traits though by being smooth, sweet, flattering and affectionate.

 

If your "one" is a cheater, then it says that you mesh with those characteristics above. Chances are, you like the good ones (sweet, flattering, affectionate) and you're overlooking his bad ones.

 

The fact that you're drawn to his sweetness and flattery points to insecurity (in you).

 

In other words, if you work on those feelings of insecurity, you won't be drawn in by smooth-talking flatterers anymore and you'll see them for what they really are. And then, they type of guy you seek as your "one" will be entirely different than what it is now.

[amtjrtcet]

If he cheats on you he's not "the One".

exactly, there is someone out there that would be so much better to you. Don't waste your time on someone who cheats. You might miss 'the one'

[JeckyllNHyde]

Your problem is, you are defining "The One" as the one you happen to have obsessive (unhealthy) "love" for... What you're forgetting about is that "The One" should love YOU in return. And he wouldn't cheat on you if he did.

 

Yep!

Your supposed to feel mutual that you 2 belong togther and that you are each others "the one". Like there is no other one he would rather be with or clicks with.

 

Raykay

If he cheats on you he's not "the One".

[ghost69]

the love of your life would not treat you that way.

[ghost69]

If you treat someone with love, respect, kindness, warmth and meet all of their needs as best you can, in other words - are a great partner in their eyes, then they will not cheat on you. It's the law of reciprocity, people will treat you in return how you treat them. A partner who is all of the things I mentioned will cause their partner to love them more, not drive them away into the arms of another. Of course, this is assuming he's psychologically healthy. Some people have an inclination to certain behavior regardless of how they're treated, but they're not the norm and aren't as common, so why worry about it?

 

the bold - not exactly. there are people out there that are so selfish they don't care who they burn or hurt.

[JimmerJammer]

Instead of telling the woman how she's supposed to be or what view she is SUPPOSED to have of her situation, try taking an objective view. I understand many will feel, including myself, that a person who cheats or is unfaithful isn't the one and I agree, only she is the one that is meant to come to her own conclusions.

 

Anyways to Jetta,

Understand who "the one" is for you and whether or not there are things you are letting slide for the greater good of the relationship or for something above yourself. I could say that the confusion you may be experiencing is whether or not strength in this life means forgiving and getting past something such as this, but I think the real question for yourself is to know whether or not this behaviour is truly acceptable in your view; something you must ask yourself, "am I REALLY ok with him having cheated on me?" and then asking yourself whether your feelings say its not acceptable or if you can move past it.

 

The point here is to realize that you may already know the answer to the question you have laid before us to help you with. What is at stake isn't just your self-esteem, your worth, your respect for yourself, but also the fact that his choice has impacted you however to what extent and what ramifications that choice has on you now. I know we have the idea in our minds that this person we're with is meant for us and is "The one" for us only that "one" for us isn't some mystical bonding that automatically means fate has brought us together. It may be the case, but I think pretty much we must first ask ourselves what we will and won't put up with in life and make sure we are congruent; no matter who or what comes at us. So if we told ourselves we wouldn't be with someone that cheats, then we better not be with someone that cheats. Or we'd also be cheating ourselves.

 

Honestly ask yourself from the view of never having been with this person, figuring out what you will and won't put up with, the kind of person this person would be that would be right for you and whether there are some things that aren't important enough to you to be overly picky. Once you have that idea, then figure out whether or not this person is truly "the one" for you.

 

This may actually work out mutually well for you as even though you may decide to leave this person, it will help you to identify what preferences you look for in another person. Either to help strengthen your confidence in the choice of this one you are with or to help strengthen your overall picture of who they are, so that in the future you'll have a better understanding of who that person is.

 

Hope this helps.

[JimmerJammer]

carriebradshawny,

 

in retrospect I would agree that this would weigh in on her decision, but that decision alone is not ours to make. I only mentioned general and inclusive knowledge based on what she stated had happened and where she currently was with her situation. The extent of depth could potentially hold no bounds and each additional piece of the puzzle she provides us only changes a part of the dynamic and not the whole.

 

In her post she made mention of the fact he is the love of her life, unless this is a crush from afar I interpreted it as her saying she is with the guy and he cheated on her. If they are not yet together, she loves the guy and KNOWS he has problems with infidelity well then I still feel what I said holds water in her decision. Its not meant as an absolute and was meant as guidance for her to make a decision with.

 

All the same I appreciate your questioning and well intent to help her arrive at a solution for herself. After all that's what this forum is meant for

 

cheers

[Jetta]

Thank you all for your responses. They were very helpful.

 

Just to answer a few questions. He's bisexual. We met 3 years ago, I was married, he was engaged and broke it off right away I hesitated on the divorce to the point I thought he had moved on and well I ultimately slept with another. He returned saying I cheated on him and hurt his heart. Then I knew he loved me too. Currently we are not together. I needed to work through some thouhts/feelings to obtain some kind of resolution. I feel to this day that he's the one and that one day we'll be together. Yet at the same time I feel like I need to move on.

 

Ours was not your usual relationship. Not sure why it went so strangely but it really did. However I have to work through my thoughts/feelings on it regardless, for healing and closure.

 

So thank you.

[annie24]

on a related note, i once dated a bisexual guy and i wouldn't do it again. besides other reasons we broke up, ultimately, i think he would have cheated on me.... with a man. i can't speak for bisexuals, but i was not willing to have an open relationship, and i think eventually, he would have wanted to be with a man. i would not be ok with that. so, dating bisexuals is not for me. are you ok with dating a guy you think might need to be with another man at another point?