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How do I "change" my ways?


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While I feel confident and things are going well at college, I have some little issues in the dating department, and I think I've nitpicked what some of them are. However, I don't know how to really fix them, and for that I need your help. Some personality flaws of mine (those that relate to women):


1.) I overthink EVERYTHING. This is a bad one, and I believe it is most prevalent. Even my friends know I do it. In relevance to the boards here, there is this girl I like. Some of the "overthinking" in my mind, outside of the normal "does she like me back?": "I don't see her much - when will I see her next?," "What if she says no? Things get bad after a refusal, and I don't want that to happen...again," "What do I say to break the ice?" Questions like this are ALWAYS running through my mind when I like a girl, and I don't know how to just "not think" about it. Reason being if I don't think about it, it seems I do better. My friends can tell I am rather inexperienced with women because I'm always trying to figure out how to make it work.


2.) I am pretty self-conscious. This has a bit to do with #1. When I'm walking, talking, etc., I tend to also consider how people think of me. "Do I look good?" "Am I coming off well?" "Will I look like a moron if I do this?" always come up in my mind as well. I feel I don't do crazy things (real daring things) because of how I will be perceived. Except for my height (5'6"-5'7"), I feel I am attractive - I hit the gym often, I run, I have a muscular physique. However, this doesn't keep me from being self-conscious and worrying about how others view me.


3.) I am too calm, cool, and collected. For some reason, I never express anger. I can't do it. My dad preaches not showing a loss of control and also living by the "golden rule," so I'm very used to compressing my anger and then using my anger towards something good, such as lifting weights or running. thereforeeee, I never yell at people, and I can't really raise my voice, even if I try. I have a good personality - I usually have a smile, I'm optimistic, I have a sense of humor and wit, I am talkative, but I'm also more like Bill Belicheck than Bobby Knight - I don't get out of control (I don't show anger), I keep myself stable, and I don't brag if I do something well (or lash out at someone if they don't come through). On the same "Belicheck" thought, I am not flashy; I like having a quiet breakfast in the dining hall, I try to keep things ladi back and low-key, etc.


In addition, I don't show any flashes of meanness. It seems having a little anger shows an edge (edge is a good thing IMO), but I am usually not really angry at other people (only get negative feelings towards someone if they disrespect me). Over time, I get past things and usually any tension I feel I have with someone fades. If someone asks me to do a favor for them and it's not hard, I do it. Some of my friends think I am being "too nice" and not "asserting my authority." For the record, I can "assert my authority" if need be, but I carry myself so I just talk to people and let them know what's up - I don't yell or lose my temper. Finally, when my friends and I at college go out partying, I keep myself in check, unlike a lot of other people. I don't get myself too drunk, I actually remember what happened the next morning every time lol, and I make sure I don't do anything that can get me sick. The one bad thing about this is that I can't have a ton of "fun" a lot of college drunks do.


4.) I depend on a schedule. I feel in order to get things done, I need to make a mental schedule of my day, and for what lies ahead. I like getting into a rhythm and knowing what's on tap for each day. A pleasant surprise is always good, but if I don't have an idea of what I need to do each day, I feel a little bit lost or a little out of it. This does wonders for time management, but it's also looked down upon be people who like to make things "exciting."


5.) I'm a little hyper. No, I'm not loud, so at sporting events I'm not the one hooting and hollering and causing a scene. However, I am always up for being active and wanting to do something rather than sit around and chill. I don't take naps, I speak quickly, and I'm always moving around.


I know some of you may think I'm posessing some values/traits most people should have, but I feel some of it needs to be tweaked. One of my friends summed it up perfectly with a few scenerios:

a.) In poker, I'm the type of guy who will be "safe" and only get aggressive if I have a very good hand.

b.) When it comes to some girls, if I ask them out and they say "Yeah sounds good, we'll chill sometime," I think of it as "yes, I'm in" while the girl really means "If we run into each other again, maybe we can hang out some time."


So what do I do to "fix" this? Being myself works for a lot of things, but not with women. At all. I feel my looks are alright, but I really do not do well with women. I feel the reason(s) why are the ones I posted and elaborated on above. Basically, I act "professional" and try to carry myself the best that I can. My friends view me as a leader because I'm confident, determined, and smart, but as I said, it doesn't help in the world of women. Girls seem to want a guy with an edge, someone who can get mad, and someone who will go crazy every once in a while. I have some swagger, but I don't get mad and go crazy.


What do I need to do to alter my demeanor in a manner that it's more attractive to women?

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1.) I overthink EVERYTHING.


practice meditation.


2.) I am pretty self-conscious.


drive a couple hours to a strange town, chage into a minikirt, and skip down the street singing "I'm pretty, so very pretty".


3.) I am too calm, cool, and collected.


take up boxing.

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Not everyone woman wants some daring and exciting fellow. As diverse as men are in there personalities so are women. There are lots of women out there looking for a nice steady guy who likes to get things done and be active.


As far as the over thinking part, when you start to do it, just breathe. Focus on the air going in and out. Focusing on that will take your mind off of the other. Just relax and be who you are. You are fine, and it wont take the right girl long to figure that out. Just remember that.

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some of the things you specified clash. you say you are calm, then you say you are hyper.


1 and 2 are the same thing. you overthink other people's impression of you. who cares what others think of you. people you should worry about are GOOD friends and family members. all the rest is not necessary.

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Thanks for the advice so far. Some thoughts:


under_my_ambrella - nice comic relief with #2. I can't see myself getting into meditating, but the boxing one could work. I dunno if I'll take boxing lessons, but I do hit the gym hard 3-4 times a week.


onewithbooks - I never said I wasn't daring and exciting at all. I agree I'm not the most daring, but with "exciting" I meant as trying to hurry or cram something in because people like to do things at the last second. I like to do exciting/fun things all the time, I'm just not the most daring. However, the rest of your post sounds good. I do feel I am steady and like to stay active. Also, just "breathing" could very well work - it'll calm me down when I have too many things on my mind at once. I HOPE the right girl comes along; it's always used as advice here to make one feel good, but I hope it's true.


Ghost - I see what you're saying, I'll try to make that a little bit clearer. I said I was hyper...I don't mean I'm loud and am always buzzing like I came off a red bull. I mean I'm walking/running around a bit, and I don't take naps (apparently everyone else here at college does). As in the being too calm/cool/collected, as I explained I can never lose my temper and show anger socially. I usually take any anger I have out at the gym. I agree with your assessment of #1 and #2, and I'll work on making that work.

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Your main problem is the thinking. Get past that and everything else is fine. You don't sound like you're afraid, so what you need to practice is being a man of action, rather than a man of plotting. both are positive attributes, but you need to be balanced. since you've gone over into the thinking, you just need to focus on acting.


So next time you see a pretty girl, use the 5 second rule. You have 5 seconds to go talk to her. Just DO it. say hello, how you doing, whatever. 5 seconds is more than enough time to get your game face on. Let your instinct flow from there.


Practice being spontaneous. Do things without thinking. Follow your gut.

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