regaining some element of control

[cheekychic]

have been thinking alot in the last few days about the way most of my LTR's have gone.

 

it starts off with the guy being totaly smitten by me and running around after me and putting me on a pedestal (though i never abused this at all and just enjoyed the attention). then over time when i fall in love with them and show a few signs of weakness i guess, the tables turn and they end up having full control over things ... like when we have contact, when we see each other, what we do etc and they knew i had no choice but to go along with whatever they want because i didnt want to cause conflict and also coz i was so in love with them that id jsut go along with whatever they want and take any scrap of themselves that they gave me.

 

my daughters dad and the BF after him both knew full well how in live with them i was and maybe not purpously .. but did use it a bit to thier advantage,

for instance.... i would try and make a point of not contacting them to see how long they will leave it before contacting me but after a day or so when they havent contacted me i cave in and contact them. i felt like if i hadnt made the effort to contact them then we may not have had contact at all.. or they knew full well id cave in anyway.

 

in these situations, how do you regain some control??? i feel to jsut not bother with them at all and waiting for them to contact me is playing games. or is it???

 

how do you show someone that they cant walk all over you any more and that things are gonna change?? i feel with me that i had let them rule the roost for so long that they prob wouldnt even believe it if i showed a couple of signs that i wasnt gonna take it no more.

 

is the only way to regain some control to act like you dont really care??

[cheekychic]

ps- and another thing in past relationships. it was always me who made the first moves to patching things up after relationship. it was always me going back crying and trying to sort things. why the F couldnt they

[Weeblie]

I think the first thing to do is stop caving in. Give them the opportunity to come back to you.

 

The second thing to do is make your life more meaningful for yourself. Get hobbies, volunteer, spend more time with your friends. Whatever will keep you busy so that you won't feel the need to cave in so quickly.

 

The third thing is to stop always working around their schedule. If you're not available, sometimes it's fine to not be available.

 

It seems like you've been giving up everything and waiting around for these guys and that's not good. They're taking you for granted because you're always there.

[cheekychic]

yea i do feel that. they know they can disappear for a few days or cancell arrangments with me or not contact me when they say they will but they know i am still gonna be there waiting like an idiot

[WaterIsLife]

I think its all a matter of setting boundaries and sticking to them. Easier said than done, I know. This doesn't mean that you can't still be open with someone and show your vulnerable side. I don't think there is anything wrong with making your needs and expectations known.

 

Also, have you given thought as to why to contact them? It sounds like you're doing it with the expectation of something in return.

[cheekychic]

well the reason why i usualy cave in coz i miss them so much and start to wonder if they are ok etc.

i guess in some cases its also to confirm to myself that me and the guy are still "kool"..... its like i spend all nite awake wondering what they are up to and if they are ok and how they feel about me.. and i know if i give in and text them... its like an instant releif from my mind working overtime

[cheekychic]

all my BF's have used the following alot... i thought it was just normal male behviour. what you think??

 

 

 

CONTROLLING WITH BODY LANGUAGE AND GESTURES: The verbal abuser uses body language to control his partner, just as he uses words. The words and gestures often go together. This can be seen as using HIMSELF to control his partner. Following are some hurtful and intimidating ways of controlling that are forms of withholding and abusive anger:

 

Sulking

Stomping out

Refusing to talk

Walking away

Refusing to give her something

Hitting or kicking something

Refusing to make eye contact

Driving recklessly

Boredom-crossed arms, eyes closed, head down, deep sighs

Withdrawing or withholding affection

Showing disgust-rolled eyes, deep sighs, inappropriate sounds

Strutting and posturing

[Weeblie]

 

 

Where's that from? Sounds exactly like a guy I dated. He was a controlling nut job.

[cheekychic]

i cqant remember which site it ws now but i typed controlling partners into google and it was one of the sites i found through that.

 

so all men dont act like this then??

[WaterIsLife]

No, not all men do. I would have to say that I can relate to your list. I've done some of them in the past.

 

Not sure if I would say that they necessarily are controlling gestures. Although they can be for some people. I think for others some of those gestures indicate an inability to cope with things or an inability to effectively communicate.

[real_life_101]

Control is an illusion. Stop worrying about it so much. Fall in love and enjoy it. It’s a great feeling. So many people spend their lives trying to gain control. If you want to do something other then what your partner wants sometimes you have to compromise it’s healthy. Nobody gets his or her way all the time. I would never date someone that had to have his or her way all the time. Who cares if they have more control then you as long as you love each other. My ex used to swear she loved me more then than I loved her. Lesson for you don’t try to read someone’s mind, if they hang out with you, and don’t cheat on you. There is a strong reality that they love you.

[Weeblie]

Hm...

 

Well I know I'm guilty of using a couple of those things. But I think if a person does most of those things and refuses to compromise or even give way some of the time...

Then yeah they're controlling.

The guy I dated was like that. If we didn't do things his way, he'd make me regret it by emotionally blackmailing me with those behaviors. It came to a point where we NEVER went to dinner anywhere that I liked. We NEVER did anything that I wanted to. And if he did decide to be nice and take me somewhere special, he'd complain the whole time or complain afterwards. He also expected something in return because he did something nice for once.

 

Bleh! I have low tolerance for that kind of behavior now.

[ycmanvs]

Wow, I had the same experience and I finally just gave up.