Struggling.. need confirmation

[Girl_2]

I made the decision to move out from my partner of 12 years to "find myself." I have been having doubts for years (basically on and off the whole time we've been together, but very, very frequent) After counselling I have realised I've been going along in life and letting him run it and make all the decisions about what to wear, what music to listen to, how one should act in public etc etc etc

 

He's not a bad person just more confident than me. I let him do it because I lacked confidence in myself and looked to him for the answers. Now I wish to run my own life and make my own decisions. Problem is, I don't know how to do it or what I want anymore.

 

Now I resent it and feel like I don't even know myself.

 

I've been finding it really hard to find somewhere to live because of certain circumstances.

 

The whole process has been scary, emotionally draining and stressful. Some times I feel confident that I'm doing the right thing, and then other times it will hit me like a tonne of bricks and I will feel completely overwhelmed and I do suffer from stints of depression. Sometimes I feel like I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Other times I just hit the bottle- does wonders to switch the brain off and make me happy for a bit. But I know this is not healthy for me.

 

I go through stages where I think I love my partner so much, and I just want to be around him. But the next day, I don't want to hold his hand or kiss him. And it always seems he wants to kiss me when I don't feel like it. Like he gets all smoochy.

 

I think I need a bit of encouragement & confirmation that I'm doing the right thing.

 

I can't move forward in this relationship because I'm too scared. It would be irresponsible of me to have kids whilst I'm aware of my own unhappiness.

 

I get annoyed at him that he treats me like something that's "cute" rather than "sexy". I'm not a little girl, I'm a woman and I really crave that type of affection. I fantasise about other men.

 

I really really wish that I didn't feel this way and that I could just be happy and in love with him and we didn't have to deal with all of this.

 

He is nice, funny, generous, compassionate, caring & supportive. I may never find anyone like him again. And I don't know if I could stand him being with anyone else. Though other times I think "why doesn't he just find someone who is more suited?"

 

Sometimes I think he's just wrong for me.

 

And what's the difference between loving someone and being in love? I can honestly say that I love him, but when I'm asked by my counsellor if I'm in love with him, I hesitate and say that I don't know.

 

So I've arranged to go and look at some more places to live. I really don't know if I should, but I don't know if I shouldn't. Part of me wants to, the other part doesn't. I just feel like curling up in a little ball in a corner somewhere forever. Making decisions is too hard and I'm so scared. I want to try and do the right thing by working myself out (the counsellor thinks this is the best way to go- moving out for a bit, that is). I don't want to be all stupid and mess things up and start seeing someone else. I want to be sure about what I want. But will I ever be?

 

I'm struggling.. I feel like I'm going crazy some days as it's just all too much.

 

I've never cried so much in my life.

[ftheunion]

PHILOSOPHY. Take the intoductory course in college ASAP. It helps you know thyself.

 

Love is a choice to be truly other-centered. Plus they argue about happiness and justice, and what is good, existence, knowledge, and so much more.

[crookster_man]

Smart woman once told me, "you got to change a losing game"

 

You are not happy not satisfied. You need to strike it out on your own... good luck

[Ampire]

Why don't you move out but stay together with your partner for the time being...maybe all you need is some space from one another, maybe it will not only help you build the confidence you need but also help the relationship grow by distancing yourself and not living together...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Why don't you move out but stay together with your partner for the time being...maybe all you need is some space from one another, maybe it will not only help you build the confidence you need but also help the relationship grow by distancing yourself and not living together...

 

Yes, I agree. Right now you are struggling because you always had someone else guiding you and making decisions for you..now you are striking out on your own. I think that is healthy...you don't want to be childlike forever...you need to be able to fend for yourself and count on yourself. It is difficult and scary initially but after a while, you get used to it and feel empowered. This is an adjustment for both of you. Maybe once you strike out on your own you will find that you have outgrown him...or maybe he is the type of man that needs to feel in control and a rescuer. Once you are more independent you both might grow apart. That is not a bad thing...a relationship is healthier when both people are independent and come together because they want to share their lives.

[DN]

Hitting the bottle is substituting one form of dependency for another. I would rather depend on a human being.

 

I am not sure why you need to leave him to find that independence - why not negotiate a different way of conducting the relationship.

 

You run the danger of being independent and lonely - or lonely and dependent on alcohol and a counselor.

[mumble]

Space and direction are definitely in order.

 

You will never be happy with complacency.

[Girl_2]

Smart woman once told me, "you got to change a losing game"

Very good advice. I am playing a loosing game.. in other words, it ain't working for me now.

 

Why don't you move out but stay together with your partner for the time being...maybe all you need is some space from one another, maybe it will not only help you build the confidence you need but also help the relationship grow by distancing yourself and not living together...

I am thinking of this now. It might make it all easier. Maybe I just do need to get some space. After all, I've never had any space to myself. I was basically a kid before we got together. I regret not being a single adult to work out who I was before someone else told me who I should be.

 

Thankyou crazyaboutdogs... lovely and helpful post

 

DN, it is extremely hard for me to be my true confident self around him at the moment. I have had 12 years of his judgement and I can't just flick a switch and act differently around him. I just don't think I can do it here. It's so subtle and just like second nature, I think it would be extremely hard to try and do it around him.

And when he's away I enjoy my own company- I am not scared of being alone. I have alot of friends and family that fill the loneliness gap. And my counsellor has been the one to help me realise that I am dependant on someone else. I didn't even know that before. She has been the one that has helped me to see what the problems were. She is teaching me to trust my own feelings.. something I never dared do before. I had such little self confidence that I thought my very own thoughts were wrong, not true and ridiculous. She's teaching me to be independent which would be contradictory to me being dependant on her...

 

And also, when he's away I don't drink as much..

[Gath]

Well, firstly, I dissagree that you should leave this man. Because let me say this right now, the majority of "seperations" prefix the word permament after a few months. Once you're separated anything can happen, he could find someone else, you could, you don't know, cuz its the end.

 

Secondly, from the sound of your first post, it seems to me you're just letting other people tell you what to do again. Only this time its your therapist, and now you're here looking for more support.

 

You're the only one who can decide if this is the man you want to spend your life with. You. Your therapist really just wants you to take more control of your life, and be more confident and assured. One way to do that is to throw yourself out into the open ocean and see if you swim. But its perfectly possible that after you learn to swim, you'll realize that this man really was the one for you. Only you'll have lost him.

 

You don't have to leave him though to take more control of your life. If he's really the kind, generous, loving guy you say he is, then he shouldn't have a problem with you taking more control of your own life.

 

If you were to ask my advice, I'd say to pick something about yourself that you want. Go take dance classes. Get a new job. Make a bunch of new friends somewhere. Build your confidence in that regard. If this fella is the one for you he won't mind that you're not following behind, but running beside.

 

Don't leave him behind because you want to go find yourself. Take him along for the ride.

[Girl_2]

Well, I'm not going to stay in my current situation. I have accepted the fact that if I leave and want to come back that he may not want me back. All I know is that I can't live the rest of my life with these feelings like I have been doing for the last decade. If he does not want me back then I will feel it was meant to be. If he cannot stick by me and wait for me to sort myself out and find happiness then he's not the one for me. After all, he's played a big part in me feeling the way I do now. Ignoring my requests for a better relationship. Now that he has heard these requests he is willing to change, but I'm not sure if it's in him. I don't think people can really change their personalities.

 

If he's really the kind, generous, loving guy you say he is, then he shouldn't have a problem with you taking more control of your own life.

 

There you go, you said it. Moving out at this stage is what I need to do. That's what I need to do to take control of my life. I am lonely and isolated and don't know if I want to live where I do now. So I'm moving to where I think I want to live... where I wanted to live before he made the decisions about where we were going to live. (And basically told me that I was silly for wanting to live in the area I did.)

 

I don't understand why someone would want me to stay in a situation where I am unhappy and have been having doubts for years. Am I supposed to marry and have children with a man whom I have doubts about?

[Gath]

Well, I'm not going to stay in my current situation. I have accepted the fact that if I leave and want to come back that he may not want me back. All I know is that I can't live the rest of my life with these feelings like I have been doing for the last decade. If he does not want me back then I will feel it was meant to be. If he cannot stick by me and wait for me to sort myself out and find happiness then he's not the one for me. After all, he's played a big part in me feeling the way I do now. Ignoring my requests for a better relationship. Now that he has heard these requests he is willing to change, but I'm not sure if it's in him. I don't think people can really change their personalities.

 

You should hope people can change their personalities, because you're trying to change yours by doing this.

 

If you leave him to go find yourself, it won't be his fault for not sticking by you. Its a lot to expect form someone to still be waiting for you after you've left them.

 

 

There you go, you said it. Moving out at this stage is what I need to do. That's what I need to do to take control of my life. I am lonely and isolated and don't know if I want to live where I do now. So I'm moving to where I think I want to live... where I wanted to live before he made the decisions about where we were going to live. (And basically told me that I was silly for wanting to live in the area I did.)

 

I don't understand why someone would want me to stay in a situation where I am unhappy and have been having doubts for years. Am I supposed to marry and have children with a man whom I have doubts about?

 

We all doubt, we all get confused. If at some point you are certain that your place is away from this fella who (in your original post) you talked so glowingly of, then thats one thing.

 

If you're merely leaving him because your therapist says its the best way to "find yourself" then i disagree. Its a way to find yourself, but it isn't the only way. I stand by my point that you can grow yourself and be the person you want to be with this man rather than leaving him and having some vague hope he'll still be there when you get done.

[Girl_2]

Gath, I'm not trying to change my personality!!! I have been trying to change my personality to fit in with someone else's standards and it just doesn't work!! I want to be true to myself and be the person I truly am!!

 

So you say that he is allowed to be controlling of me for the last decade to the point of me loosing confidence in myself and he shouldn't take any ownership of this?

 

Think about it this way, say you started a job with a really tough boss. You start to act a certain way around him, acting busy when he sees you, always worrying that you're doing a good enough job. You stay in this job for ten years, then one day your boss comes in and says "Ok, I've just turned over a new leaf. You may slack off a bit at work, have a bit of fun!" So you try to do what he says but you're looking at him out of the corner of your eye to see if he really has changed. Is it a trick? You think maybe I'll just work like I always have incase he slips back to his old ways and you get into trouble. How can you just go from acting one way to the other without feeling uneasy? You've learnt a certain way of interacting with this person, and it would be hard to just flick a switch and act more freely. It's ingrained.

 

I have tried for over ten years to fix my unhappiness. I have read numerous books, seen two counsellors, asked advice from lots of different people, talked to people, thought about it for hours upon hours upon hours, tried to ignore my inner voice, tried to do new things, new hobbies, see friends and be more independent. Nothing so far has gotten rid of the doubts and I really don't have many options left.

 

The counsellor didn't tell me to move out, she just helped me to realise that that is what I felt I needed to do.

 

And I am not certain but I don't think I ever will be if I stay stagnant in this situation.

 

If you leave him to go find yourself, it won't be his fault for not sticking by you. Its a lot to expect form someone to still be waiting for you after you've left them.

 

I know this, that is why it's scary and hard, but it's something I feel I have to do. Like I said, I will accept it if he does not want me back. I know I can't expect him to take me back. I know it will not be his fault for not sticking by me. But if he doesn't stick by me through what I need to do then he simply isn't the one for me.

 

We all doubt, we all get confused.

Ok, so is it a healthy relationship to have doubts every single day for over ten years?

 

And it's not just myself that I want to find. I'm not sure if he is the right one for me.

[Gath]

Gath, I'm not trying to change my personality!!! I have been trying to change my personality to fit in with someone else's standards and it just doesn't work!! I want to be true to myself and be the person I truly am!!

You misunderstood me. You said you didn't think he could adapt to this new you because you don't believe people can change their personality, which goes against what you're doing. Personally I agree that people can change their personality.

 

So you say that he is allowed to be controlling of me for the last decade to the point of me loosing confidence in myself and he shouldn't take any ownership of this?

 

Lets look at what you've said about this guy before.

 

He's not a bad person just more confident than me. I let him do it because I lacked confidence in myself and looked to him for the answers.

 

I go through stages where I think I love my partner so much, and I just want to be around him.

 

He is nice, funny, generous, compassionate, caring & supportive. I may never find anyone like him again. And I don't know if I could stand him being with anyone else. Though other times I think "why doesn't he just find someone who is more suited?"

 

From this description, he wasn't being abusive and controlling. You let him run things because that was easier and he was good at it. That doesn't lay the blame on him. I can understand if you're not happy with this situation now, but I don't see how he should take ownership for it when it was equally your decision.

 

Think about it this way, say you started a job with a really tough boss. You start to act a certain way around him, acting busy when he sees you, always worrying that you're doing a good enough job. You stay in this job for ten years, then one day your boss comes in and says "Ok, I've just turned over a new leaf. You may slack off a bit at work, have a bit of fun!" So you try to do what he says but you're looking at him out of the corner of your eye to see if he really has changed. Is it a trick? You think maybe I'll just work like I always have incase he slips back to his old ways and you get into trouble. How can you just go from acting one way to the other without feeling uneasy? You've learnt a certain way of interacting with this person, and it would be hard to just flick a switch and act more freely. It's ingrained.

 

If this is how he's acting, than its different to your previous descriptions. I don't feel people should stay with overly controlling significant others unless thats the relationship they want (some people do).

 

I have tried for over ten years to fix my unhappiness. I have read numerous books, seen two counsellors, asked advice from lots of different people, talked to people, thought about it for hours upon hours upon hours, tried to ignore my inner voice, tried to do new things, new hobbies, see friends and be more independent. Nothing so far has gotten rid of the doubts and I really don't have many options left.

 

And it's not just myself that I want to find. I'm not sure if he is the right one for me.

 

 

If leaving him is what you want, then do it for the right reasons. And don't blame him if he doesn't wait for you. But I don't see how dumping someone you've been with for 12 years and going out on your own is really going to make you happy. It seems like one of those magic "if i do this it'll all work out" fixes. If you've really tried having hobbies, and new friends, and all that jazz, what is really holding you back and making you unhappy?

[crookster_man]

If leaving him is what you want, then do it for the right reasons. And don't blame him if he doesn't wait for you. But I don't see how dumping someone you've been with for 12 years and going out on your own is really going to make you happy. It seems like one of those magic "if i do this it'll all work out" fixes. If you've really tried having hobbies, and new friends, and all that jazz, what is really holding you back and making you unhappy?

 

Pretty much I agree, The grass is green syndrom on the other side syndrom.

 

The real question is "what is making you unhappy" as Gath stated. Everything you did, the hobbies, friends, and so forth are only going to add to your happniess, not create it. You need to do some soul searching, though I'm sure you already know the answer.

 

until you address the reasons why you feel unhappy, you will NEVER beable to aquire it. No matter who you are with or where you are at in life.

[tangi39]

I do not mean this to sound harsh- so I apologize in advance if it does - this is merely my two cents & one person's opinion.

 

But from what is sounds like- it sounds like you "assigned" (perhaps subconsciously) your partner that control role and are now resenting him for it. Please don't blame him, but step back and look at what is really bothering you. It sounds to me like you wanted this person to solve all your problems for you - and when you realized he couldn't- you became angry & resentful.

Then decided to take matters into your own hands. But don't know quite how.

In all honesty, I don't believe it's him at all- for a few reasons.

If you truly feel deep in your heart that this person was not the one for you- why would you have stayed with them for 10 + years ? You admitted to suffering from depression- this is purely within yourself. And probably the main cause of a strain in the relationship. And also, if you are going out & trying new things are your own that still aren't making you happy- to me this suugests that the problem lies is you- something you have created and are harboring for some reason to prevent yourself from being happy.

Could it be you are afraid of being truly happy ? If so, being alone will not

change how you feel on the inside or "cure" your depression so to speak.

If you truly don't love your SO , you need to tell them & leave NOW so they can go find someone who will give them the love they deserve.

Personally, I think someone who will stick by someone who goes through bouts of deprssion for 10 + years is a saint ! If it was me, I'd be gone thisfast whether I loved them or not- cause that is a heavy load to bear.

I am not trying to villanize you or say you're a bad person- cause I don't think that. It is normal to have doubts occasionally, I'm sure your partner has too. But please don't think that leaving is the magic answer. It won't solve everything- your depression may even get worse without the support of your SO. If you do leave, be prepared for you SO to leave your life for good. It sounds like you don't want to lose his friendship, but in all honesty you probably will- You can't have you cake & eat it too.

I think right now, you should sit down with your SO & have a serious talk- have you explained everything to them ? After 10 + years, he has a right to know. Then decide a course of action. But please please don't blame him for something that is happening inside you - that I strongly recommend you continue to seek counseling for. It's time to take a hard look inside instead of at this other person, because they are not the cause- this is coming from you.

 

Sorry for the tough love speech- I have several people in my life who have suffered from depression- and sometimes holding up a mirror is the best thing. I truly do wish you all the best- and hope you can someday find happiness within yourself.

 

Good Luck !

[Girl_2]

Alright, I had a long post written but deleted it. I'm not going to come back here anymore. It has taken me a long time to get where I am and I am being proactive about my unhappiness at long last. All your posts upset me to the point of tears and are counterproductive to what I need right now.

 

I wish I could've found more support here.

[crookster_man]

Alright, I had a long post written but deleted it. I'm not going to come back here anymore. It has taken me a long time to get where I am and I am being proactive about my unhappiness at long last. All your posts upset me to the point of tears and are counterproductive to what I need right now.

 

I wish I could've found more support here.

 

Being proactive or running away?

 

Yes, it's us, strangers who have no choice but to respond objectivly to your words that are causing you grief...

 

Well do what you feel is best. You are the master of your own ship.

[Gath]

Alright, I had a long post written but deleted it. I'm not going to come back here anymore. It has taken me a long time to get where I am and I am being proactive about my unhappiness at long last. All your posts upset me to the point of tears and are counterproductive to what I need right now.

 

I wish I could've found more support here.

 

Good luck then, I hope things turn out well for you and you're happy with the decisions you make.