Guilty and Terrified of the Sexual

[Rangel2]

I could really use some help.

 

I’m a first-year in college, and I have been dating another first-year (as my first serious relationship) for about a month and two weeks now. I’ve always been afraid of sexual conduct, probably because it simply goes against everything I’d ever thought for myself. I’ve always been so afraid of it, I just got used to the idea that I would never become sexually attached to someone.

 

But now, things with this guy are progressing, and I’m surprised at how much I feel like I can trust him. He has an amazing amount of control and open understanding when it comes to this topic. We have taken to spending the night together (twice already, perhaps again tonight).

 

I am having serious issues at the moment, though. We have taken to passionate kissing, his hand on my breast, and dry humping (fully-clothed) in bed. I would have to say that I think I almost enjoy it, but it feels…so…wrong. I’m not a religious person, but I feel like I have been committing a horrible sin, and I don’t understand why I can’t let that go. He’s not bothered by it at all, but he’s right there for me when I tell him these issues. Is it normal for me to feel this ashamed of partaking in sexual conduct? Are we going too fast? How can I get to feel comfortable with this…sometimes it makes me physically sick with guilt and disgust at myself. I feel ashamed, especially since I am enjoying it even though I am rarely stimulated myself, but I am subtly taking small steps to try to enjoy it more. That’s when I feel worst…when I enjoy it.

 

Why is this, and what can I do? I could really use some advice since, on one level, I really enjoy it, and on another, I hate myself for it. I feel so conflicted I don’t know what to do or how to feel. Am I too young for this? Is the relationship too young? Please advise me on how to deal with this horrible guilt….

 

Thank you so much for your attention.

 

Rachel

[bpsekh]

Yes, it is normal to be ashamed of your conduct, especially if you have had an upbringing that tells you it is wrong. And in a way, maybe you can be thankful that you are still at a stage where you can turn about from it if you feel guilty enough. Perhaps if your conscience tells you that you should be doing things differently, you need to reassess what you want out of the relationship. You can have a decent relationship without transgressing your beliefs.

 

Personally, I am also against pre-marital sex and extra-marital sex. I did not always hold this view, however. But I feel that pre-marital sex is demeaning to both men and women and degrades marriage. However, don't worry I'm not going to write to you that you will go to Hell for it. I'm not here to make you feel guilty.

 

Just for the sake of advice, do you mind if I ask what your religious background is?

[tiredofvampires]

You say you are not a religious person (which as you know is a very common reason for this kind of fear and inhibition, and sense of moral repugnance -- you even used the word "sin", which has strongly religious overtones). So perhaps we can take that one off the table, for now.

 

What you are describing are very typical emotions and feelings for someone who has had a past of sexual abuse or molestation, often early in life, and also often SO early, that it cannot even be consciously recollected.

 

When very young children are sexually abused, they may derive physical sensations of pleasure, though because they are being violated, they internalize that on an emotional level that they somehow "deserved" to be treated that way, and so are very conflicted by their normal sexual urges later in life. It is only natural to be disgusted by early abuse experiences, of course, so that will be superimposed upon further relationships and attempts to get physical as an adult. Shame, disgust, and feeling responsible for the physical and sexual violations early on in life can really set you up for re-living now.

 

It's not premature to want a sexual relationship at college age, and if you have been with your boyfriend for a considerable length of time (a few weeks or months) and feel emotionally bonded, it's perfectly healthy to move into sexual and physical intimacy. I am very glad to hear he is being supportive and understanding about this, as I think you will need a patient partner to work through these feelings and get to the bottom of them.

I am talking in a very elementary fashion, and perhaps you know some of this intellectually, but your post suggests that for you, this may be an issue that is considerably submerged.

 

Which is why you need more than just your partner's support -- I think you should see a therapist to talk about what sort of past experiences might have created these feelings. You were not born feeling wrong and dirty, this is not the way we naturally are created to be. You have to learn through experiences to feel ashamed of your sexuality. Someone either taught you to think of yourself in these terms, or did something to you so that you are repelled by it. These things are learned and laid down early in life in a fundamental way, and you will have to unlearn them. This is not going to be easy, as it sounds like you have very strong feelings around this, and they are probably deeply-entrenched, so get some good professional help to be able to talk and process things that right now are not safe to think about, understand or even recall.

[sleepygirl]

I am in the same boat. I too feel guilty when I go too far with a guy (not having sex, but making out, etc.). I was brought up in a conservative Catholic family with certain morals and values that are different from most of society. I would say go with your gut. If you don't feel comfortable and are going to feel guilty afterwards, don't do it. Take your time and let the guy know you think things are moving too quickly. If he truly cares about you, he will listen. Maybe the level of physical intimacy will feel better after you have been dating a little longer.

[pesh]

I felt this same way a few years ago. I think that it's because it's new and something you have never done before. Now you are revealing a new side of yourself that has never been seen before. It's weird, yes, but the weird feeling only goes away with time. It could be that you are taking things too fast. I suggest keeping things where they are (or even taking a step back) in the physical aspect. It sounds as if you have found a really wonderful guy who is not going to pressure you into doing anything you dont want to do. Take advantage of that and DONT do anything you arent comfortable with. At first, anything will be a bit uncomfortable, but it gets better over time.

What you are doing is not wrong- you are exploring your sexuality which is just another part of growing up. I hope this helped you, and i wish you luck!

[Rangel2]

Really, I'm not religious! I was raised Protestant, but I've reached the phase of healthy doubt and questioning, so it's not religion that's bothering me.

 

Is my shame something that I may be able to get over with time, or is it just something that I will always be ashamed of?

 

I have grown up in a place with so many teenagers who are far too young to be so open about their sexuality, and my distaste in that is what, I suppose has led me to this...a decision of my own that I would not end up a young child who was pregnant. But it seems as though I may be approaching the proper age.... Though this boy and I have not been together for very long....

 

Thank you for your response, bpsekh, and I hope to hear back!

[tiredofvampires]

Yes, it is normal to be ashamed of your conduct,

 

 

"Normal"?? I don't know about "normal". Some things that are common out there are sadly "the norm", and I doubt this is one of them.

 

But one thing is for sure: it is certainly NOT HEALTHY!

 

There is nothing wrong with you, except that you feel so bad about yourself when you have normal, healthy instincts. I strongly repudiate bpsekh's post.

[bpsekh]

"Normal"?? I don't know about "normal". Some things that are common out there are sadly "the norm", and I doubt this is one of them.

 

But one thing is for sure: it is certainly NOT HEALTHY!

 

There is nothing wrong with you, except that you feel so bad about yourself when you have normal, healthy instincts. I strongly repudiate bpsekh's post.

Note that I also said if she's been brought up to feel a certain way. The urges for human beings are natural, and while in the modern time, pre-marital sex is becoming mainstream, if it conflicts with her upbringing, then that's why she feels guilty. Under those circumstances, it is normal to either be uncomfortable with one's actions because of that conflict. Either that, or they will learn to disregard what they believe in. Ultimatley, it's a conscious choice that the individual will have to make regarding their sexual conduct.

[Rangel2]

I replied last time when there was only one response...now I am intrigued by what "tiredofvampires" has said. I've always felt very anxious and a little afraid of my father, and I'm wondering now if that has anything to do with what you said. But I don't know. It's a very interesting (and very nerve-wracking) assessment. Especially since I don't remember anything of that sort happening to me.

 

Pesh and sleepygirl, I suppose that's true. Yes, he's amazingly patient (he claims bragging rights when it comes to that, and he has proven it time and time again). I was horrified of kissing in the beginning, but got used to it as time went on. I described it as a fear of anything that was "wet."

 

So, I don't know, it's good advice. I'm still bothered by tiredofvampire's response, though. Does anyone else think that might be the case?

 

Thank you so much for responding.

[Rangel2]

I think it might also be interesting to mention that even my MOM thinks I'm sexually retarded! The forces against it were put on me by myself, not so much by my parents. My mom only gives me the "be careful, and be sure you're ready" talk, instead of the "I'll disown you if you have sex!" So she's openly supportive of it...it's just me that's messed up, I guess.

[Shylight9812]

Tell me, have you ever felt the urge to be different? Better perhaps, of those around you who you were taught to be different from? My own sexual suppression and shame was the cause of this. I hated anything to with sex, and the idea of doing anything disgusted me, becaquse it would make the same as those pregnant teenagers, that love-struck school drop-out the bad stuff I wanted nothing to do with...if you can answer yes to these questions, you and I might be in the same boat. You can drop me a line anytime if you wish.

[Rangel2]

Yes, Shylight9812, I think that's what I was trying to get at. It sounds like you used to be in the same boat as me, but that you've since gotten better. Is that true? How did you do it, and what would you suggest for me? It's getting really bad....

Thanks so much.

[Scootchy]

My girlfriend is also scared of sex, she doesn't know why she is scared. We are both still virgins and she is very shy. She is 19 and I am 21. We have been together for almost 8 months now.

 

We get as far as me comfortably making her topless and me fingering her. That is as far as it has gone. I think only time will progress things further.

[Cimmie]

Tell me, have you ever felt the urge to be different? Better perhaps, of those around you who you were taught to be different from? My own sexual suppression and shame was the cause of this. I hated anything to with sex, and the idea of doing anything disgusted me, becaquse it would make the same as those pregnant teenagers, that love-struck school drop-out the bad stuff I wanted nothing to do with...if you can answer yes to these questions, you and I might be in the same boat. You can drop me a line anytime if you wish.

 

I know exactly where you are both coming from, and I am considerably older than either of you.

 

My advice would be to work hard now on overcoming those feelings, because as tiredofvampires says, they will need work to overcome, and they stand in the way of normal healthy functioning.

 

OP, I think there may be a number of things operating here- your anxiety around anything 'wet' hints at a slightly obsessive personality - you might be on the OCD spectrum. Do you experience anxiety apart from sexual anxiety and guilt? Do you have body image issues?

 

All I can add, in terms of my own experience, is that I grew up in a strongly religious and conservative household, with a father who is repressive and prohibitive. The stigma attached to sex outside marriage or pregnancy outside marriage was huge. Added to that I am on the OCD spectrum and have anxiety problems and have had an eating disorder. I have experienced the same feeling about sex as you and these were not properly addressed in my adolescence and early adulthood as they should have been.

 

I would say to you that it gets much more difficult to deal with these issues as you get older, so please do have a chat with a counsellor/psychologist about them. It's great that you have a sensitive and patient boyfriend (stay away from selfish egoists!) but it is your responsibilty to deal with these difficulties. If you want to have a happy and fulfilled sexual life you will take steps to do so.