Should they know how much they hurt us?

[Optigan]

Dear community,

 

In case someone has noticed my absense - I've been feeling sort of less bad, yet not good enough to come back here as a healed supporter (SuperOptigan, anyone?), which I hope I will someday, rather sooner than later.

 

Anyway.

 

Something occurred to me and I would like you to answer and theorize a bit. The question is in the title; the short story of my inspiration is as follows.

 

I had a semi-professional correspondence with my ex girlfriend which ended (of course?) on a highly personal, and (of course?) highly hurtful note from her side, after which I kept my cool and responded in a very matter-of-factly manner.

 

As she did not respond, I wrote a very heated email - suffice to say it involved the possibility of her sending me a video of her having sex with 5 monkeys and me being unable to get any more upset by it than I already had been upset by her.

 

But then something happenned.

 

I looked at my previous emails, sort of liked them more than the one with monkeys and decided against sending the new one. Ended up not sending anything.

 

So I thought I might come here and do some reasearch, you understand...

[annie24]

i wouldn't send that kind of an e-mail, either funny, or revealing how much you've been hurt. i'd forget her as quickly as possible and move on.... the way you show someone they aren't worth your time is to stop contacting them.

[-BK-]

It hurts everyday still for me that I'm not with her. I've had some better days after a month, but today honestly feels like it was two weeks ago. I know it won't last, but when I have days like this... I really want her to know how much she shook up my life. That being said, I don't believe she should have the satisfaction of knowing she could affect me like this. I won't give her that piece of information. Keep NC and let her wonder. It probably wouldn't matter what you told her anyway.

[JadedStar]

Chances are they know how much they hurt you, and either don't care, or do care but still must move on, so emails like that don't serve a great purpose.

 

And like BK said, why take the chance it might give someone the satisfaction of knowing they have that kind of power over you? Hurting someone a great deal would mean that person had some type of power and in this instance why even let them know that?

 

I truly think in cases like this not letting on what is really going on in your head is yuor best bet. It is a self protective measure.

 

And at the end of the day even if they really DO know how much they hurt you, if they don't want to reconcile what real purpose does that serve? IF they have moved on I doubt they will lose many nights sleep over it. And if the break up was callous on their part I doubt they'd lose any. People who don't like to hurt others would at least try to break up in a humane way. IF they didn't, that tells you they probably don't care how much you hurt and it can make some people feel like a big shot.

[Optigan]

Still waiting for this...

Oh, OK, I'll edit that out.

[Optigan]

Is this better, in your opinion?

 

What I meant by "interesting" is that some time ago, I wouldn't think twice about sending something like that, but now I actually lookad at my options with at least a semi-clear head and concluded it would be better to not send it.

 

(To others: am I kind or what? Even to monkeys.)

[Optigan]

Oh, I'm so sorry that one got deleted. Personally, I think posts like that one are invaluable.

 

And I don't even think it was off topic - i think it was perfectly on topic, because I am not sure myself how interesting any of it is anymore.

[toshiba]

I don't see how it could do much good to send it based on the two scenarios that could be possible:

 

There are the people who really did you wrong...say they cheated on you or were abusive in some way...even if only slightly abusive (if there is such a thing). Chances are, those ex's probably aren't to care about how hurt you are. If they can cheat on you, cut you down or things like that --- while they were with you -- then feelings are probably not something that they have much of, and they're not suddenly going to produce them.

 

Then there are the people who are nice but just lost that romantic feeling in the relationship. Since they're basically nice people, it'll upset them to know that they hurt you. But even though it upsets them, they still know that they can't force themselves to feel that way romantic way again. So since they can't make themselves feel that way and since you're making them feel bad for how they feel, they'll probably want to just avoid you.

 

So either way, it seems like showing that you're hurt doesn't do any good.

[Lana0120]

The best thing to do is exactly what you did. Sit there, write out exactly what you're feeling, then delete it. If you're feeling really frustrated, keep writing it over and over and over... different versions and keep deleting them. It's very therapeutic, gets your feelings out there, but you keep some dignity.

[Optigan]

It's very therapeutic, gets your feelings out there, but you keep some dignity.

 

Yes it does, but the feeling/decision of not wanting/going to actually share those feelings with her was rather interesting/new to me.

 

Oh, sorry, Entropy Smith, I used the I-word again. But I said "interesting to me", so I guess you shouldn't mind this time.

[delerium6]

I think a lot depends on timing.

 

Making a weepy phone call or sending a heartwreching letter within a couple days of the breakup is understandable when your heart is freshly torn open. It's human (as long as the letter is not filled with insults, name-calling, etc.), and the dumper should understand that. It's nice to adhere to this "NC" within hours or a couple days of getting hung out to dry, but it's almost impossible to do.

 

But writing these sorts of letters weeks or even months after the breakup is a different story. This is where will-power needs to come in and stop yourself from repeated beg/plea/hurt contacts.

[Darryl2312]

My ex knows how much she has hurt me but has never once said sorry.

Basically she emptied the house of my things, I mean everything !

I was taken in by the police twice for contacting her ended up getting 200 hours community service, ive never been in trouble with the police in my life.

Its been almost 4 months it hurts so badly, she has turned my life upside down we were together 3 1/2 years and she could not care.

I love and hate her at the same time she seems to have moved on.

I dont know if ill ever find or trust a woman again.

[Sickboy48]

My ex has no clue how bad she hurt me. She even got her new bf to talk crap about me. She won;t realize what she has done until she is done with her current "relationship" am sure.