Feeling on the edge

[volpe]

I am not sure what it is. Maybe it's Christmas, and being alone. Maybe it's looking back at a series of broken relationships and wishing I had someone to love and to have unconditional love, to have family in my life. Maybe it's being waitlisted for school and being ready to move on in life and to learn. Maybe it's the stress and the boredom at work, the lack of structure and support to do new things, the feeling like not doing anything because nothing is worth it and the fear of failing.

 

Last night I felt so sad, I felt like crazy. I'd drank a coffee I will never drink again, some cheap mexican coffee that keep me wide awake and I couldn't sleep and I thought all about how this friend of my roommate had been murdered by her ex-boyfriend in a fit of jealousy and I felt bad for him for ruining his own life. And I just felt so much sadness, it was so profound, I felt so alone and I felt so fearful of life and what it means... for a second I contemplated suicide myself. I don't know.

 

By morning time, I felt it was the coffee keeping me up and my normalcy returned, but being tired and stressed at work, and feeling christmas coming up without having family inviting me...........

 

I just feel so much sadness, I just want to hole up somewhere and cry my heart out. I feel bad because I cried in front of my supervisor and she said she is worried about leaving me alone at her house and I'm supposed to be sitting for her dog. I feel kind of embarrassed.

[Daligal83]

I think that if at any point you contemplate suicide, it's time to seek professional help. A counselor or therapist can help you work through those issues and come out stronger. Holidays can be an especially rough time of year, so it could be a good idea to contact someone soon and get a session in while it's that time.

[lukeb]

You are reaching out if only to this forum, that atleast is a good thing. Don't be shy about asking your friends for help, it is often easier to help out others than it is to ask for help. I consider it an honor if I can be of help and support to any of my friends. Have you tried counselling? You might be able to get free help if you have a healthplan though work.

[volpe]

maybe it's just an excuse, but i already tried to go before. i didn't really like my counseling session. the lady picked up the phone and was just rough around the edges. but maybe i should go....

[Daligal83]

The thing with counseling is that you won't always click with your counselor. You don't have to stick with the first person you get. If you don't like that person, try another. It's kinda trial and error until you find someone that has the right approach for you.

[hopefulromantic79]

Volpe,

 

I just want to say that I completely know what you are going through. I finally had to bite the bullet and go back to therapy and it has helped a lot. I have also broken down at work with a couple co-workers (thankfully they both admitted they were in therapy, too!). I do agree that sometimes you have to try out a couple of counselors to find the right one.

 

Things around this time are very hard...I sometimes wonder if the majority of people dread the Holidays and the people who actually enjoy them are in the minority...I'm the only one in my family who cares about putting up the tree, stockings, etc...and even buying gifts for my family. My ex was so fun around the holidays...we watched all of the specials on tv, went to light shows, went to NYC (it's so pretty around this time of year), etc. We were building traditions that I thought we'd have for the rest of our lives. It's so hard to let them go and even harder to continue the traditions alone.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to talk about my situation so much...from my experience, life can really change in an instant...so embrace your loneliness this season and know that next year you'll feel completely different and may just have that love we all crave in your life. I also think that volunteering somewhere will help get your mind off things and will give you that human interaction that we all crave this time of year. Try and focus on the beauty in life...I find when I do that (through art, concerts, books, etc.), I feel so much better.

 

Oh and I think crying is fine ... cry as much as you need to. Get it all out. I don't believe in holding back...maybe find a co-worker you trust and can talk to or if you feel one coming on, just run to the bathroom or a private spot. I know many times after I have a good cry I feel so much better. Hang in there..it will get easier. This season will pass and you will experience joy again