Break up question.....simple and straightforward

[jak34232002]

I really like this girl but I need to break up with her. I am willing to work and compromise for the relationship, but my impression is she does not want to do this, though she has not told me this directly.

 

I am at the point where I still really like her, but perhaps realizing that she may not be the best person for me in the long run, and I should end things now to save myself future pain.

 

My trouble is that I feel like I want to be the one who ends things not her. Instead of being like, "Let's break up" should I instead let her know how I feel about her and hear what she has to say? Maybe she is willing to work things out?

 

It's kind of like, I am the guy and I want the power and I want to be the one who dumps her, not the other way around. I realize that sounds bad, but it is what it is.

 

Should I instead approach this with complete unselfishness, be honest and tell her how I feel and what I am willing to compromise in my life for her? But by doing this, I set myself up to be dumped and victimzed and be that helpless guy she would feel sorry for because she dumped me. I don't want to feel like a victim. Why not just dump her now, like my gut is telling me to do and see what she says after that?

 

Any advice?

[Fisch]

To me being a man would be telling her the truth. Granted, one should keep an open mind, not afraid of letting people know that you stick to your values and expectations. In my opinion, breaking up with her because you want to feel power is immature and small minded. If you are going to break up with her, do it because: like you said she does not appear to be willing to work and compromise for a relationship.

 

Yes titles can get annoying (she dumped me, i dumper her, we broke up). Part of being a man (to me) is not being insecure about that sort of thing.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I don't think this is really about avoiding victimhood. Are you afraid to have a conversation with her about the things you've observed and that have prompted you consider ending it? How long have you been seeing her?

[Lana0120]

If you really like her, then discuss the things she does that bothers you. You'll never know for certain about whether she's willing to compromise or not unless you find out from her.

[jak34232002]

Yes, I'm definitely afraid to have a conversation with her about the things I've observed that have prompted me to end it. She's one of the most depressed people I have ever met. I feel so out of line telling her I think she's depressed. Who am I?...a physciatrist or someting? No. That would be insulting to her I think, and I don't want her to think that i pity her.

Should I really bring that up?

I've been seeing her/communicating with her for 8 months now.

[noidea1213]

Well, if you dump her, you might wonder if you did the wrong thing. But if you lay it all out on the table first, you might feel stupid afterward, but atleast you'll have no regrets and can then just move on vs. thinking about if you did the right thing for the next couple months. Unless she's apart of your group of friends, you'll most likely never see her so it really doesn't matter. Atleast you won't be beating yourself up the next day...you can just talk to her and get it over with. For all you know, she feels the same way.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Yes, I'm definitely afraid to have a conversation with her about the things I've observed that have prompted me to end it. She's one of the most depressed people I have ever met. I feel so out of line telling her I think she's depressed. Who am I?...a physciatrist or someting? No. That would be insulting to her I think, and I don't want her to think that i pity her.

Should I really bring that up?

I've been seeing her/communicating with her for 8 months now.

 

Eight months? You should definitely lay it out. Maybe it'll be the catalyst for her getting some help. Don't worry about what she thinks; her thoughts are none of your business so don't mind read. You owe her honesty, at least.

[Ampire]

If you tell her everything and she does not want to work it out, then you might feel stupid for the moment, but the upside to that is you will never have any regrets or what if's....

[jak34232002]

Eight months? You should definitely lay it out. Maybe it'll be the catalyst for her getting some help. Don't worry about what she thinks; her thoughts are none of your business so don't mind read. You owe her honesty, at least.

 

 

Can you really tell someone that? I mean, again, I don't want to come off souding like an armchair psychiatrist.

I think she would be so insulted if I brought that up.

[Crows]

IN my opinion, you need to lay it out on the table for me.

 

My ex did not lay it out for me and I didn't get it and continued doing the things she didn't like.

 

I tried but I didn't feel the relationship was in such dire straights as she did.

 

She did not tell me straight up what was goin on! And she ended it!

 

If she had only communicated things better, I would have compromised. I would have done anything for that girl.

 

She called me on a bad night to make me really jealous.. and that was the match striking.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Can you really tell someone that? I mean, again, I don't want to come off souding like an armchair psychiatrist.

I think she would be so insulted if I brought that up.

 

Yes, you really can. Why not? Unless you say, 'honey, you batsh*t crazy and i'm outta here', you're not being insulting.

 

You're not diagnosing her, you're just telling her that you've observed some things that have made you wonder if she's depressed and you're letting you know because you care. Why would she be insulted? Don't confuse what would be your reaction with what her reaction will be.