What Should I do with what I know?

[BrokenHeartedMan]

I had cheated on my wife early in our marriage. I am not proud of what I did and I never did it again, now married for 32 yrs. I never told her as I didn't want to cause her any pain. She is unaware that I have found out she is going behind my back and seeing someone else. Now I am having trouble as I can't seem to get over this. What I want to know is should I confront her and let her know that I am aware of her activites and tell her about my past mistake and because of that I am willing to forgive her? Or should I just leave it alone and see what she does and see what happens to us?

[Entropy Smith]

I say either 1)divorce or

2)call her on it without letting her know you were once a cheater...why both parties are guilty her's is in the present which means she doesn't want to be with you in the present.

[Supa_gurl]

Confront her on it, let her know that we are not all perfect and bring up your past indescretion. Maybe if she is willing to work it out and stay with you, she too can forgive and you both can move on together.

[Rabican]

if she doesnt know you did it, then shes just as guilty for cheating as anyone else whos ever done it. Telling her you did it, wont solve anything. It will just become a justification to her, for what she did. She will probably just tell you 'I KNEW YOU DID XXXXXX' I just couldnt prove it! And now in her mind, she did nothing wrong.... because you deserve what shes doing now.

 

Confront her, leave out what you did before for the sake of trying to heal your relationship...

 

Or just file for divorce, tell her what you know, and just know in your heart that your marriage isnt meant to be, otherwise you BOTH wouldnt be cheating on each other.

[yeawutever]

Either file for divorce or confront her with what you know but you would also have to be honest with her about your infidelity.

[AutumnBorn]

Infidelity alone is not a reason to divorce. People who say that haven't been married (or if they have, they haven't been for very long). You need to get into counseling - the cheating isn't a problem, it's the symptom of a problem! Something is wrong in your relationship, as far as she's concerned, or she never, ever would have considered seeing someone else.

 

I'm coming out of a 25 year relationship. Trust me...don't listen to these kids who say you need to file for divorce, at least until you know why you're doing it. You don't take a lung out because you've got a cough...you find out why you're coughing and remove it only if it's necessary to save your life.

[Rum]

I agree with AutumnBorn, there are too many off the wall replies by people who have no idea what they are talking about.

The strongest couples can have a bout of infidelity and find the issue and fix it.

Stating to have a divorce does not fix it and helps nobody. Just the process of going thru a divorce can be as hard as the infidelity itself, it's just not that cut and dried.

 

BrokenHeartedMan has been married 32 years, divorce is an option, but the LAST option after all other issues have been looked at. You do not scrap a car if you get a flat tire or run out of gas.

 

The best thing to do know is talk to her, suggest and go do couples counselling. Do not force the issue because she will be pushed farther away.

If you've had 30+ great years it would be good to face the affair now before it gets too deep. What happens in 99% of the time is your wife got caught up in someone that started out as friend and he made her feel good and important, the excitement is new.

She probably is not thinking clearly and has become self centered. If left alone the affair will run it's course and she will come crashing down to reality, but by then maybe too much damage will be done.

The dangerous thing is that when they are in their 'fog' they do not see clearly and justify their actions by pushing you, the husband, away.

 

The only way for her to wake up is too see couselling or let the affair run it's course. Letting it go is not a good idea as it will hurt to many people.

 

BrokenHeartedMan, i will be sending you a private e-mail. I've received many such messages from people who read my previous posts and have been thru what i am going thru, in many of the cases the marriage is better and stronger AFTER the infidelity, because they found the problem and fixed it.

I'm not talking bf/gf, or 1 year marriages. I'm talking couples who have been together for many, many years. The bond and maturity these couples have together can fix anything, no matter how bad.

 

--Rum

[Rum]

Unfortunately, i cannot PM you BrokenHeartedMan, you don't have the private message option.

 

I just wanted to tell you my story from my wife's experience, the remorse, guilt and shame she feels. But that comes after the fog lifts, in your case she is still in it. After 32 years, her pain cold very well be worse than yours once she realises what she has done, that's why it may be the best thing to both go to counselling now. Saves so much grief for later.