When the plans change

[wish4me]

I have been dating this new guy for about 4 weeks. Cute, funny and loving. We get along together really well and there is never a dull moment. We've only been together for a short while but already he has taken me to meet his parents.

 

Because of his work schedule (flexible hours) we only get to see each other on the weekends. That's fine with me since I do VERY much enjoy my alone time. However, on the weekends before we leave each others company I will say "I'll see you sometime in the week.." In which he replies, "It won't be that long honey, I'll see you before then".

 

He calls me every night and always tells me to sleep well and wake up with a smile on my face, like he does (meaning that he's happy to have found me). He will always say that he will try to make it over to see me tomorrow if he gets off work early enough. I then get up the following morning excited at the thought that I may see him, only to get a call later to say that he is still working on the job.

 

I just feel as though my hopes are dashed and get disappointed when this happens. I'm not needy and really enjoy my alone time, but I find myself feeling disappointed when plans get cancelled. I told him that we just needed to focus on just getting together on the weekends, to avoid any disappointments.

 

Not sure if I'm being oversensitive since this is all new to me.!

[Clementine orange]

He needs to be a little less careless with his "I'll see you's" etc - it's probable he doesn't know the effect it has on you (he's a guy, guy's are oblivious to these things sometimes)

 

You need to be patient and realize that he's busy, and be happy and grateful he's in your life as much as he is.

[love4life]

wish4me, I get where you're coming from. I've never been needy, either. My only request of boyfriends has been "Follow through with what you say you will do." All your BF had to do was say, "I'm hoping to see you tonight, but I might have to work late. I'll let you know for sure later in the day."

 

People who are frivolous with their commitments really irk me. I don't think I could date someone like that.

[minniegirl]

wish4me, I get where you're coming from. I've never been needy, either. My only request of boyfriends has been "Follow through with what you say you will do." All your BF had to do was say, "I'm hoping to see you tonight, but I might have to work late. I'll let you know for sure later in the day."

 

People who are frivolous with their commitments really irk me. I don't think I could date someone like that.

 

L4L hit the nail on the head. It's not a needy issue. We feel disappointed because this person doesn't follow through. They say one thing and do another, do one thing and say another. That sort of wishy washiness drives me insane and I cannot stand it. If I say I'll do something, I follow through. If know that it might be up in the air, then I explain the situation. You may want to talk to him about this because it's clearly bother you (and it would bother me too).

[JeckyllNHyde]

Yea,

I agree with minniegirl (and L4L).

No one likes being excited only to be let down later. Once or twice is alot, imagine every week day.

I say tell him, in a gentle way, that he gets your hopes up and then when he can't make it you just end up really disappointed. He shouldn't say stuff if he isn't sure he will be able to follow thru..

[minniegirl]

Yea,

I agree with minniegirl (and L4L).

No one likes being excited only to be let down later. Once or twice is alot, imagine every week day.

I say tell him, in a gentle way, that he gets your hopes up and then when he can't make it you just end up really disappointed. He shouldn't say stuff if he isn't sure he will be able to follow thru..

 

My bf/ex bf (not sure what the heck we are) is well versed in doing this to me. This is one of his many issues he must work on. You need to tell him because it's not right.

[love4life]

L4L hit the nail on the head. It's not a needy issue. We feel disappointed because this person doesn't follow through. They say one thing and do another, do one thing and say another. That sort of wishy washiness drives me insane and I cannot stand it. If I say I'll do something, I follow through. If know that it might be up in the air, then I explain the situation. You may want to talk to him about this because it's clearly bother you (and it would bother me too).

 

And there you just demonstrated why we expect it of them - because we hold ourselves to the same standard. Common courtesy and respect for self and others is what it comes down to.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Yea, I used to do it to a friend. Not at all proud of it.

I would carelessly say: "well see ya tomorrow."

He would get really excited b/c he used to have feelings for me.

Then I would be like: "oh sorry can't make it today b/c ....", and he would be left really disappointed.

He later called me out on it... months later and I realised it wasn't right.

And I did my best not to do it anymore. I didn't take any offense since I knew I would feel same.

[Dominic_M]

I am too going through this with someone I am seeing now. Very busy and we make plans during the week. Only to have them cancelled because something came up for her.

 

She told me that we may get together tonight, I am already chalking it up to another cancellation and disappointment. And she hasent even cancelled yet.

[minniegirl]

And there you just demonstrated why we expect it of them - because we hold ourselves to the same standard. Common courtesy and respect for self and others is what it comes down to.

 

*High Five*

[minniegirl]

I didn't want to mention this to the OP since her bf/SO she is dating cancels due to work which is a valid excuse I guess.

But if someone makes plans and is cancelling, it usually means they aren't as much into you as you may be into/interested in them. If I like someone, no way I will cancel (alot). Once or twice if I am really tired or something happened and I don't have a car or w-ever.

But the rule which usually goes is: if someone wants to see you they WILL MAKE the time, no matter what. If I wanted to see someone, and something came up, I would still go over to see them after (if it's not past midnight) if even a while.

 

Thank you!

[wish4me]

Thanks to all who have responded. Didn't expect to get many responses.. this is great!

 

My guy is currently working on a contract and a lot depends on weather, other contracters and time restraints. When he calls in the afternoon and says "sorry hon, not going to be able to make it" he always adds "your not mad at me are you?" There are times he will say "I think your mad with me, ok let me take a shower and I'll be over".. to which I reply, "It's ok, don't worry, we will shoot for the weekend".

 

I believe he is not playing games but guess he is oblivious to my feelings. He always asks me if I'm happy with him and if he's up to my expectations!

 

When we are with each other, he can't do enough. Fixing stuff around my house, trimming my trees in my yard. He is a sweetheart. I know he has a problem displaying his feelings but he has already told me that he has fallen in love with me. One night on the phone he even said "have you seen that movie jerry mcquire, where he says YOU COMPLETE ME, well hon I never thought I would feel this way but you complete me. He's even said that he hopes that this relationship is not short term, but doesn't want to scare me off since I have been divorced over a year.

 

Perhaps my expectations are high? But I can't see why I need to change ;-o

[JeckyllNHyde]

Well, I don't find your expectations high in general. I think your on the right track.

BUT I do find 1 and only 1 of your expectations high: the one where you expect him to come over even though you say it's ok if you see him till the weekend. He seems like a truly great guy from what you have posted.

But next time he asks if your mad or if he should shower and come over, show some excitement and say 'YES PLS!'

 

How else will he know what you expect from him, he isn't able to read your mind.. I know it can be hard to be 100% honest and also have the fear of coming over needy (trust me, lol I feel the exact way) but he seems to like you as much as you like him.. Just tell him next time. I'm sure if you where doing some small things like these which made him feel down, you would want him to hint it/tell to you if you were completely oblivious. Good luck!

[Batya33]

Nope - sorry - when it comes to work emergencies there is no "making the time" on that day - maybe the next day, maybe the next morning, but if you have a certain type of job or career it is not easy to say "no" to a boss or let down your team and certainly you want to save those times for personal emergencies or if you have expensive theater tickets and it's his birthday etc.

 

I am very much in favor of "no one is that busy - they make the time" but when it comes to plans on a particular day during the work week work is a valid excuse. Of course some may be using it as an excuse, but that's a matter of trust and judgment. In all my relationships over the last 13 years or so I've always said up front that I may have to cancel due to work - and by and large my boyfriends have said the same to me. Sucks but it's reality. Luckily I rarely have to cancel these days.

 

And I am with you about empty promises. I have a friend like that. I just don't think the work thing and the "hope to see you" is quite the same.

[luxe_13]

The fact that you do see him every weekend is great - that's actually alot for the early stages of a r'ship.

 

Just focus on the weekends. Get it in your head that you won't see him during the week. He is poribably getting your hopes up 'cause he also hopes he will see you - thenw ork gets in the way. I'm sure he means well.

 

We all get oversensitive in a new r'ship (see my thread!) so don't worry, your reaction is normal (as far as I'm concerned). Just keep busy during the week and enjoy YOUR time

[wish4me]

Luxe 13..

 

Yes your right. I should be thankful for the days we spend together. We talked a lot last night and he told me that since his job is demanding and he gets paid on what's completed it was difficult to keep plans.

 

Plus, he lives about an hour away, has a SUV, that is a gas guzzler. I know he is very responsible with money and won't spend what he hasn't got. He did say that he was finding it tight over the past few weeks to afford to drive over to my place 3 times a week and back but he would not discuss it with me because of pride issues. I told him that he just needed to be honest and that we could each take it in turns for him to see me, for me to see him. Since I have a young child he doesn't like me getting out at night on the road, let alone be talking on the cell phone.

 

We did get a lot straightened out last night. Thanks again for everyone's feedback.