Nubie girl - can't stop beating self up!

[Emo_gal]

Hi all -

 

My new bf broke-up with me after an argument that started over his breaking a dinner date because he felt compelled to study instead (we're both students in a high-pressure grad program).

 

We met almost 4 mo. ago - but have had a alot of false starts and stops in our relationship due to the fact that I am going thru a divorce and this has made nu-bf very skittish (understandibly). Although there is alot of compatability (we generally get along great - laugh alot, have similar life goals, ambitions etc), we don't get to go out much because of our schedules, and our turbulant start has been hard on us both - his obvious hesitation has caused me to be unsure of his feelings. He is a quiet, intense guy who is not really in touch with his feelings and is easily overwhelmed by his emotions (he cries if I cry, he is VERY sensitive to criticism or potential rejection). So the emotional turbulance has him rattled too.

 

For what it's worth, 4 days before the fight, he called and came to see me before he even dropped off his bags getting back from T-giving, and he was eager to see me the night before the fight (but I was sick). My friend, who is not one to spare my feelings, thinks that his feelings for me are definitely deep, but he is not the most "in touch" guy and that he is afraid, which is why he bolted so fast (saying "i guess i'm just not able to give you what you, or anyone, what they need")

 

In any case, we said alot of things at the breakup that weren't really true, and it was pretty raw/harsh. Since we have to see each other at school everyday, I decided to reach out and see if we could talk and at the very least leave things on a better note. He agreed and we plan to get together in a few days. But now I am analyzing everything I do - to the point of obsessing over one sentence in an email I wrote in response to his today (i was kidding him about his school obsession - even though that's what sparked the fight - i've often been playful about, and even like, his neurosis) .

 

I am looking for some support, someone to help me remember that this meeting is not the "be all end all", that one sentence (even if he thinks I was teasing him and didn't like it) isn't going to make or break things for good, that this will (and should) take time, and to give me some advice about where to go from here.

 

Thanks in advance to all of you who can help me sort all this out - I am TERRIBLE at nu-relationships (but great once things settle in about 6 mos. in).

[samross]

Hi emo gal

I'm sorry you're going through this hard time, especially with your divorce. I always try to be an optimist (even though the world keeps giving me reasons not to be ). I don't think one meeting has to be an 'end all'. And I don't think it most cases one sentence can make or break things for good in a relationship. Life is fluid - it changes as I write this. He may change, or maybe you're seeing the real person even after 4 months or so. You may change after you feel like you've commited to him, perhaps because you begin to learn what was really missing from the previous relationship, you initially felt like you had found it, but then later realize you didn't. It won't be the end of the world. You sound like you are a strong person. We say so many things in the heat of an argument that more than likely we really don't mean. Sometimes we do mean them and the other person really needs to hear it. I probably don't have to tell you that since you're going through a divorce, and it sounds like you are hoping this is THE relationship, there is the possibility of a rebound. Also, the new person can make the old person look so bad because you're only able to see one slice of the pie. It's one reason why so many affairs happen but usually never work out if they later marry. We develop an idealistic picture of the new person. Maybe you don't see what he looks like in the morning when you are living together (and I don't mean dating), how he reacts to stress in his life, little things that he does that will drive you up the wall but you've never seen them because he is always putting on his best face for you, how he may treat others, and so on. There is a lot of truth to the old joking statement 'the honeymoon's over'. I'm not trying to discourage you but at this point in your life - - going through a divorce - are you ready to put all your eggs again in one basket based on the relationship you've described?