Transitioning from "Thinking" to "Feeling": Identity Crisis!!

[love4life]

My entire life I've been a rational, grounded, logical person. I would base my decisions on common sense. I was a realist.

 

Since my break-up I feel I've become more of a "feeler", a romantic, more spiritual, and much softer in my approach to people; as well as more vulnerable. I actually feel like I've taken on some of my ex's more feeling-based characteristics. We had both taken the Myers-Briggs test and I was a thinker and he a feeler. Maybe I'm trying to fill the void that his leaving me created?

 

Obviously, I feel different and I'm adjusting to this new me but I can't figure out if this is the RIGHT way for me to be. It's very scary, honestly.

 

On the one hand, I feel calmer (my anxiety and panic attacks that plagued me for years - even before my ex - are gone) and more empathetic to other people's needs. I've become more touchy-feely.

 

I used to be more sarcastic (though not at another's expense) and had a more colorful personality. I feel like I've lost my edge. BUT, I actually look back at that edginess and now see it as immaturity and insecurity; but... it was still FUN!

 

Anyhow, I'm having a bit of an identity crisis which sucks because just before I met my ex I really felt happy with who I was. He even told me one night, "You're such a character," due to my silly antics. I don't feel that "silliness" in me anymore, and I miss it.

 

I've changed a LOT since the break-up and I'm not sure what to do with the change - whether to embrace it or push it away.

 

I'd be interested to know if anyone else feels like they've changed at different times in their lives based on major events. How did you handle the change? And when did you finally feel comfortable with it?

[Pegasus]

I'd be interested to know if anyone else feels like they've changed at different times in their lives based on major events.

 

I did after my big BU.

 

How did you handle the change?

 

I'm still trying to process it...

 

And when did you finally feel comfortable with it?

 

I still strugle but I hope sometime I will feel comfortable with it.

[jul-els]

Major events in life always change us to one degree or another. The idea is to learn from it by embracing whatever parts of the change we think are good and of value and rejecting those aspects of it we feel are not useful.

 

The same goes with how we were before the event occurred. We need to embrace the things that we truly loved about ourselves before so as not to lose them and reject the things that weren't working so well for us in the first place.

 

It's all a part of the learning process; the very reason why human beings exist. It's all a learning and testing process. If we're good students, then god gives us an A and we can take that knowledge to help us and guide us and give us strength in the remainder of our lives as well as whatever is in store for us thereafter.

[love4life]

I did after my big BU.

 

 

 

I'm still trying to process it...

 

 

 

I still strugle but I hope sometime I will feel comfortable with it.

 

I'm guessing BU refers to university? I definitely felt like I was at a crossroads then, too. So many options and not knowing where to go. I finally came to a decision earlier this year about what my career aspirations are.

 

This change, however, isn't so much about trying to choose a path or meaning in life; it's more my outlook on life is changing and re-evaluating what's important. It's not about making a choice, it's just something inside me feels so different. It's hard to put into words. And I find that I'm valuing people and relationships much more than I used to. I guess the closest similarity I can think of is the change people undergo when they have children. Even though I don't have kids yet, I feel like this must be a similar feeling to that one.

[Pegasus]

I'm guessing BU refers to university?

 

No, it refers to breakup of 4 year long relationship.

[love4life]

No, it refers to breakup of 4 year long relationship.

 

LOL. Ah, okay! Thanks! I need to study my internet acronyms

 

How did you change, Pegasus?

[Firehawk13]

This change, however, isn't so much about trying to choose a path or meaning in life; it's more my outlook on life is changing and re-evaluating what's important. It's not about making a choice, it's just something inside me feels so different. It's hard to put into words. And I find that I'm valuing people and relationships much more than I used to. I guess the closest similarity I can think of is the change people undergo when they have children. Even though I don't have kids yet, I feel like this must be a similar feeling to that one.

 

That's called maturing and growing. I'd embrace this new change. Self-reflection is good; you should always be looking for personality traits about yourself you should improve. However, it's a big mistake to contrast your current self with your old self. Looking for, I guess, "old qualities" that you once possessed that you think will improve you as a person are good to strive to obtain, but you shouldn't fall into the trap of thinking you were "better one way" than you are now.

[breath.o.fresh.air]

I know exactly what you mean love4life, I've been there. In some ways, I'm still there. There were a number of catalysts in my case, (haha - each could probably have their own thread). But i think te secret is just letting yourself accept the changes, and even embrace them - everything we experience contributes to who we are as an individual, and to who we will become. Allow yourself to grow, and change, and even try to enjoy the new angle you can examine things.

[need2bme]

I love your post and it really makes one think. It is EXACTLY what I am going through now.

 

I have much input that I think may be beneficial or at the very least, show you that others can go the other way, from "Playful, silly, emotional thinkers" to wanting/needing to be more "serious/logical thinkers".

 

I think it really is ok to be both.

 

I will tell my story a little later though, as my boss says I spend too much time on here and he is right.

[love4life]

Thanks jul-els, Pegasus, Firehawk and breath.o.fresh.air, for your input.

 

I agree, as Firehawk put it, that's it's about maturation. It's just kind of scary for me, I guess. It means being an adult now and, with that, comes a lot of responsibility. Not that I wasn't responsible before, but I think the emphasis on nurturing relationships moreso now is where that added responsibility kicks in.

 

I just feel much more easily drained now in thinking more about others than I used to and I have this desire from time-to-time to revert back to my old ways. But I guess it's okay to let my inner child out once in awhile.

 

Firehawk and breath, I'm impressed by the fact that you're both under 20 and yet you have insight that most people don't have at your age or even my age, or even older sometimes! Thanks again!

[love4life]

I love your post and it really makes one think. It is EXACTLY what I am going through now.

 

I have much input that I think may be beneficial or at the very least, show you that others can go the other way, from "Playful, silly, emotional thinkers" to wanting/needing to be more "serious/logical thinkers".

 

I think it really is ok to be both.

 

I will tell my story a little later though, as my boss says I spend too much time on here and he is right.

 

I'm looking forward to reading your story!

[hopefulromantic79]

I'm in the same boat, too! I am a very emotional thinker and always act on feeling ~ thereforeeee, I suppose I am pretty spontaneous with my actions. This has gotten me into a LOT of trouble in the past. My ex was exactly the opposite ~ he would think through every little decision for hours...to me it was exhausting. But...I do see that I need to use the "thinking/logical" side of my brain more...I'd probably be more productive! I wonder, though, if emotional thinkers need logical thinkers and vice versa...I think they would complement each other well. I know I needed my ex many times to bring me back down to reality!

[love4life]

I'm in the same boat, too! I am a very emotional thinker and always act on feeling ~ thereforeeee, I suppose I am pretty spontaneous with my actions. This has gotten me into a LOT of trouble in the past. My ex was exactly the opposite ~ he would think through every little decision for hours...to me it was exhausting. But...I do see that I need to use the "thinking/logical" side of my brain more...I'd probably be more productive! I wonder, though, if emotional thinkers need logical thinkers and vice versa...I think they would complement each other well. I know I needed my ex many times to bring me back down to reality!

 

I agree that the two complement each other nicely. That's why I think that in some unconscious way I've taken on my ex's attributes. As though I need to acquire them now that he's gone.

[need2bme]

L4L: IT isn't really a long romantic read or anything, but...

 

I have always been an emotional thinker. I would wear my heart on my sleeve and say anything that entered my head (not always a good thing). I would always wonder; why can't that person joke? or why are they so serious? or why can't love be like a romance, all the time?

 

I started to find that even when I didn't want to, or I knew better, my heart would take over. I knew I shouldn't date this last girl, but it felt so good and she seemed so caring and playful. That is ALL I ever wanted. Someone pleayful and affectionate and silly and able to laugh and be sarcastic.

 

(Btw, I don't think you have to be logical to be sarcastic. Hell, I do it and I haven't been that logical. Humor comes from different places at different times. Besides, you are going through a breakup and self-discovery, so the humor may not even be there at times.)

 

Anyway, I just simply wanted to talk about whatever was in my head or enjoy anything playful. Everything serious was just too much. Everyone having to be here or wanting this or having that. I am not referring to losing your goals or not working hard, I am simply referring to being more emotionally driven.

 

At first, I would think about everything. Then I was involved with a woman who showed me the arts, the waves, music, dance, ways to just sit and be. I could never just be.......

 

When we broke up, I thought I needed some of that, so I somehow gravitated to it. I just wanted to act, dance, sing, play around, enjoy someone's company, etc...

 

So, enter the new ex... She was what I thought was playful, understanding, romantic, etc. She may have been, but she also had a very logical sense about her. She worried about money (she had good reason) and status and stuff, just like I used to. She once said, "this isn't love. It is not what it is always gonna be"....etc. OK, I get that, but in the first months, you should be able to enjoy yourself a little.

 

My ex was right though. Part of my silliness, had turned into not caring. I just wanted to be silly and just work and have a good time. I had so much and lost it, because I was STUPID. I didn't throw it all away, I just didn't plan as I should have and had to live off of some of my money. I also did not plan then, for retirement. I just got so tired of being a grownup, that I didn't wanna do that anymore.

 

Everyone I knew that was, was so miserable. Everyone in my field, seems to have no life. Everything is about deadlines and technical this and that. What is the next best thing...

 

So, I have been in both places (well, I really don't know if I ever thought logically...;-) ).

 

I know that for me, I need to grow up (yes I know that being an emotional thinker does not mean you aren't "grown-up"). I need to be more logical and more rational.

 

That all being said, if you can get anything from my ramblings, I think what you are finding, doing, discovering...is quite normal. You may find that you are somewhere in between both.

 

I think that we can all be logical and then learn to see things as a child, as well.

 

Me personally, I will be as logical as I need to be. The rest of the time, I just want a home, kids and a wife I call my best friend, where I can be as silly as I want and my kids learn that they never have to grow out of the passion they have for anything.

[bulletproof]

If I may make an observation... your post in and of itself is evidence of the logical thinker in you. You are overanalyzing and rationalizing your new emotional state. As someone who lives and dies by logic and rationalizing, I recognize that from my own post-breakup state. I tried to understand how it was that I was feeling so bad, and I felt all these emotional ties I hadn't experienced before. It was a state of mind that lasted way too long for me, as I wasn't myself for at least two years. Recently, I saw some friends that I hadn't seen in a while, and one of them told me I was finally 'myself' again. I knew what she meant. So my advice is to stop overanalyzing your state of mind, and don't overthink your core personality. You have lost your edge for now, but that will come back. Just let it. It doesn't mean that you're a cold, immature, or unfeeling individual. It means that you have a certain way of dealing with life that is specific to you.

 

Yes, major life events change us. But it should enhance who we are, not make us become someone we're not.

[love4life]

My ex was right though. Part of my silliness, had turned into not caring. I just wanted to be silly and just work and have a good time. I had so much and lost it, because I was STUPID. I didn't throw it all away, I just didn't plan as I should have and had to live off of some of my money. I also did not plan then, for retirement. I just got so tired of being a grownup, that I didn't wanna do that anymore.

 

That all being said, if you can get anything from my ramblings, I think what you are finding, doing, discovering...is quite normal. You may find that you are somewhere in between both.

 

Thanks need2bme! I think you're right that I'm somewhere between both. And maybe I'm just spending a lot of time exploring this new aspect of me. You make an interesting point about being silly all the time. I was definitely like that during my short-term relationship, but it was because he was so amused by it. I made him laugh and I liked that; plus the relationship was so young that I didn't want to get too serious too quick given his warning to me of his commitmentphobia.

 

I think part of my desire to be silly/goofy/light-hearted is that I was raised in a family where composure and poise and "being a lady" were of the utmost importance and if I ever did anything goofy I was met with a "Don't be stupid" or something along those lines from my father. Only recently - ironically after my father's death - I've let myself behave like the kid I never got to be. Okay...I'm getting off-topic.

 

Also, when I find myself suppressing my personality it's because I remember some of the things my ex said to me during the break-up, so thoughts like, "Nxxx doesn't want me because he thinks something is intrinsically wrong with me" surface and I assume that since he didn't want me, no one will if I behave the way I did when we were together. I think this goes hand-in-hand with bulletproof's post about questioning who I am at my core. And I hate that I let one man's unkind words cut me so deeply. Hopefully in time, I'll feel like my old self again and not see myself through Nxxx's eyes.

[bulletproof]

Also, when I find myself suppressing my personality it's because I remember some of the things my ex said to me during the break-up, so thoughts like, "Nxxx doesn't want me because he thinks something is intrinsically wrong with me" surface and I assume that since he didn't want me, no one will if I behave the way I did when we were together.

 

I kind of suspected this from your original post. I did the same exact thing and tried desperately to change aspects of myself that my ex had commented on when we were breaking up. The problem was, I took what he said out of context. He was really commenting on the relationship and what was lacking, not what was lacking in me specifically. So for the next two years, I tried to be that other person, the one he 'would' have stayed with, so that when I met someone else I wouldn't screw it up. I don't recommend this. It doesn't work. Be true to yourself (as long as you like who you are and it is working for you in terms of your friendships, work, etc.).

[love4life]

I kind of suspected this from your original post. I did the same exact thing and tried desperately to change aspects of myself that my ex had commented on when we were breaking up. The problem was, I took what he said out of context. He was really commenting on the relationship and what was lacking, not what was lacking in me specifically. So for the next two years, I tried to be that other person, the one he 'would' have stayed with, so that when I met someone else I wouldn't screw it up. I don't recommend this. It doesn't work. Be true to yourself (as long as you like who you are and it is working for you in terms of your friendships, work, etc.).

 

It's funny but I didn't realize this until I started writing that last post. I guess the hard part is hearing these things (my ex was specific about me, not the relationship) from someone who you hold in such high esteem. The person you care about the most puts you down and you start to question who you are and your self-worth.

 

I posted a thread about what he said that hurt me a few months ago: Post #6 specifically recalls when he said this to me. I've since forgiven myself for my one emotional breakdown in the relationship and can see how I over-reacted. But now I'm interpreting his comment of "instability" as referring to my personality and, thus, I feel the need to suppress it.

 

Gee, look where I've gone with this thread, which isn't at all where I thought it was going. This is like therapy!

[need2bme]

I think part of my desire to be silly/goofy/light-hearted is that I was raised in a family where composure and poise and "being a lady" were of the utmost importance and if I ever did anything goofy I was met with a "Don't be stupid" or something along those lines from my father. Only recently - ironically after my father's death - I've let myself behave like the kid I never got to be. Okay...I'm getting off-topic.

 

L4L: But this ISN'T off-topic. Not at all. It is still a part of you and what you are currently dealing with. I believe that both are a part of you. We will all find middle ground. It has just taken me a little longer, that is all.

 

Also, when I find myself suppressing my personality it's because I remember some of the things my ex said to me during the break-up, so thoughts like, "Nxxx doesn't want me because he thinks something is intrinsically wrong with me" surface and I assume that since he didn't want me, no one will if I behave the way I did when we were together. I think this goes hand-in-hand with bulletproof's post about questioning who I am at my core. And I hate that I let one man's unkind words cut me so deeply. Hopefully in time, I'll feel like my old self again and not see myself through Nxxx's eyes.

 

L4L: I think we all do this. It is a part of self-examination. I think at first we may think it is something we MUST change, then we start to realize that other's opinions of us are always colored with their own. You may realize that some of the things he said were true, but it doesn't make you less, it makes you more, because you want to be all you can.

 

I kind of suspected this from your original post. I did the same exact thing and tried desperately to change aspects of myself that my ex had commented on when we were breaking up. The problem was, I took what he said out of context. He was really commenting on the relationship and what was lacking, not what was lacking in me specifically. So for the next two years, I tried to be that other person, the one he 'would' have stayed with, so that when I met someone else I wouldn't screw it up. I don't recommend this. It doesn't work. Be true to yourself (as long as you like who you are and it is working for you in terms of your friendships, work, etc.).

 

I think we can be true to ourselves and still examine what others have said. Maybe not so much as "what if I am?", but "was there ever a time when?"...

 

I just think, as I wrote above, that even though we can examine what others say, we must always remember that what they do or say about us, is not always about us and is always colored by something that has happened to them.

[breath.o.fresh.air]

we must always remember that what they do or say about us, is not always about us and is always colored by something that has happened to them.

 

I love this point. It's SO true. Everything we experience influences our perceptions of the world, and the people around us. I personally don't think it's necessary to examine every change we experience through life, because we are ALWAYS changing. But sometimes, we do need to ask ourselves if we are being true to ourself. Nobody should have to go through life trying to live up to other people's expectations, views and opinions. That's not to say that those opinions aren't valid, but be sure that at the core, you are you.

 

Aside: you might enjoy a poem I posted in Poetry titled "Who Am I?". It was written awhile ago when I was going through an identity crisis, so to speak.

[bulletproof]

It is indeed like therapy, just a lot cheaper.

 

I agree with the above posters. Take into consideration something someone has observed about you, but always remember what that the person is coming from a perspective that is shaded by all of his own issues, etc.

 

I also think that sometimes people will try to give reasons for a breakup because they feel obligated to. Sometimes, for whatever reason, a person just isn't into the relationship, but they feel pressure to put a label on it. Something like 'sensing an instability' might just fall into that category. It's vague enough so he doesn't have to either own up to what he's really feeling, or maybe he just doesn't know what he's feeling.

 

Either way, I totally hear you when you say that it's hard to hear criticism from someone you hold in high esteem, but always try to remember that person is just human, too, and makes bad judgements and assessments like the rest of us. Maybe when he said emotionally unstable, he meant that in terms of what he's used to and/or comfortable with. And that's not the same thing, nor does it mean you won't find anyone who finds your heartfelt reaction to something like your sister's trauma completely acceptable.

[WaterIsLife]

I think this is pretty normal after any traumatic experience, at least when the feelings from that experience are truly faced and not bottled up/ignored.

 

This topic reminds me a lot of a thread I started awhile ago on thinking with the head or with the heart. I would definitely say that I was more of a thinker rather than a feeler.

 

Now I've found myself opening up to people I otherwise wouldn't have. Even on topics not related to my past relationship. Heck, I even told my best friend (a guy) that I love him in a text message! (Note to self: delete said text message before someone sees it and takes it out of context!). Things have gotten to a point now that I have had a couple friends come and seek advice from me about different things, so I would have to guess that this new part of me has been apparent to others.

 

I agree that it can be scary. Openness does also make you vulnerable. But would you rather go back to when you would give less of yourself to others and not be as empathetic as you are now? I know I wouldn't, so I accept the vulnerability aspect of it all.

 

You are realizing a lot of things about yourself, and thats good. But you're still your old self too, you've just added a few things in my opinion!

[love4life]

we must always remember that what they do or say about us, is not always about us and is always colored by something that has happened to them.

 

I agree - and it's what I've been telling my mom about my sister's accusations towards her. I see so clearly that my sister is projecting and yet, if someone projects something on to me, it can be hard to remember that it is just that. Once again, I find myself giving sage advice that I have a hard time believing when it comes to me!

[love4life]

Aside: you might enjoy a poem I posted in Poetry titled "Who Am I?". It was written awhile ago when I was going through an identity crisis, so to speak.

 

Thanks, breath, I will check it out!

 

I also think that sometimes people will try to give reasons for a breakup because they feel obligated to.

 

bulletproof, and to his credit, I did ask repeatedly "why" and "what's wrong with me?" He probably wouldn't have said that if I hadn't pushed.

 

This topic reminds me a lot of a thread I started awhile ago on thinking with the head or with the heart. I would definitely say that I was more of a thinker rather than a feeler.

 

Now I've found myself opening up to people I otherwise wouldn't have. Even on topics not related to my past relationship.

WIL, I remember that thread! And I seem to remember posting something to the effect of finding a balance between the two - that they need to be in synch.

 

P.S. I hope your friend didn't take your txt message the wrong way! ;-)

[WaterIsLife]

 

P.S. I hope your friend didn't take your txt message the wrong way! ;-)

 

 

No, he didn't! I knew he wouldn't. I've known him since I first came to the town I live in and he's been the one thats been there for me through several traumatic experiences.

 

Someone else that were to see it might take that txt the wrong way though!